Husband has an adult child that was adopted.

[AppleCori]

Honestly, Kim, your hubby's daughter sounds a lot like the young adults many of us come to this board to discuss.

She and her bio-mom are in the "honeymoon" period of their relationship, and it doesn't sound like it is going well.

She may very well be knocking on your door in the near future, if she has exhausted other family and friend options. There is probably a reason for this.

Don't discount the effect this young woman may have on your household and your other kids, especially you teenagers. Many of our difficult adult kids often enjoy creating chaos, triangulation, and dissention. Hope she is not like that, but you have to know this is a possibility.

 

[BusynMember]

I was a save the world person too. I thought love saved all. I did foster care and adopted kids too. But one kid we adopted burned us...he acted charming toward all adults, but sexually assaulted our two younger kids. Wow. That was a huge wske up call that love doesnt save anyone. We had him leave and never saw him again. A weaker marriage would have collapsed. It was a hard time. That cured me of bringing strangers into my life on that deep a level.

I would not bring this woman into your house with other kids there, no matter how much you want to try to "save" her. She obviously has serious issues. She has had them for years. Her parents know her best.

If you do let her in and she steals from you or kids or manipulates and hurts your kids, you will feel terrible. I would talk to her parents IN DETAIL before bringing her into your house. If I recall you have a very difficult, complicated six year old boy to think about. The last thing he needs is a new difficult, troubled, unknown "sister." You have no idea what she is capable of doing. You wont know that either.

Please be safe.

 

[AppleCori]

It's very easy to say that you won't put up with a young adult who won't work/go to school and who won't pull their weight around the house, but when the person (who has made all kinds of promises) won't keep a job (or get a job), is messy and has to be told over and over again to pick up after themselves, keeps saying that they will "do it later", you are put in a very difficult position.

Once she is there, you either have to nag/remind/cajole the person constantly (and this gets old quick), make them leave (very hard to do), or put up with them running the house.

And it is a much more difficult situation if the young adult tries to manipulate one of the parents or turn the kids against the parents.

Just because you lay out the rules ahead of time, doesn't mean they will be followed, especially after the honeymoon period is over. This has happened to most of us who have brought our difficult adult into the house.

 

[BusynMember]

Once she lives there you have to evict her to get her to leave. Dont be me. Dont think she just needs love. Her parents love her. I adopted three kids and would take a bullet for any. DNA doesnt equal parenting ir a superior instant connection. Just ask my friend. Her parents may not be perfet (who is?) But they do love her.

 

[kim75062]

Thanks ladies .

I know she needs way more then love, I'm sure her parents give her plenty of that. by the sounds of it she needs some serious therapy at the least.

I'm definitely not good with the whole drama type stuff. I'm a very laid back person that deals with things as they come and don't stress about them.

Lucky for me there's really no where for her stay with me anyway. I'm moving in a few months to a bigger house so my mother has more space (she already lives with me due to aging and health problems) and the better school district for difficult son.

She still has plenty of options for family down in the state she's in anyway that I'm sure will end up being a better choice. She did post on Facebook yesterday that she can't handle living with biomom and is ready to go back home. Hubby encouraged her to go back home and take a break from all the new people in her life and recollect her thoughts and feelings of it all where she feels safest.

She also messaged me for my opinion, I think because I'm familiar with the situation but also still an outsider looking in to the situation. I told her do whatever she feels is right for her and not to worry about hurting anyone else feelings including her biomom and biodad. I assured her that we have no expectations of her and will be here whenever she is ready if she is ever ready to build a relationship.

I think the problem with her current situation is it was to many people to fast that all want to be part of her life. Biomom has not accepted the fact she's not her mom anymore from what I can tell. And now there's endless siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins etc. all looking for that long lost relationship.

Why I'm not really sure, if any of these people cared so much where were they 18 years ago? The only one that was there was biograndma (biomoms mother) convincing biodad that he would completely mess up biodaughters life by trying to take her out of foster care. Because if he did then biomom wouldn't be able to get custody back (which would be any day now) and it would split her from her siblings etc. (all lies he figured out years later and much to late).

 

[kim75062]

Update: daughter is still living with bimom and now 2 more siblings.

I can't even express how angry I am with the bimom. She convinced the other 2 children to drop out of college to come live with her The other 2 children are 20 and 18 and we're adopted by the same family as toddler and infant. My heart breaks for the parents. They spent so much time and effort providing these kids good opportunities and the bimom messed it all up in the matter of knowing them for a weekend.

Now all 3 kids are working crappy minimum wage jobs and expected to hand over their paychecks to her her to help with bills If they don't then she told the kids she's packing up and moving across the country to be with some guy she meet online a few months ago. These kids are going to get nowhere fast in life this way. She's manipulating them all and using them. I guess 20 years doesn't change people as much as I thought it would.

I'm well aware it's non of my business and not my place to say anything (so far I haven't) but it's still so wrong.

 

[BusynMember]

What's interesting and puzzling is that she didn't raise them and gave them no opportunities in life yet they are willing to drop their good lives and follow her. Even after her abandonment and now her lack of concern about their futures.

Make no mistake about it. The kids WANT this. Ever try to tell an eighteen year old to do something she doesn't want to do? Many refuse. Twenty is even older. There is something in them that wants this...maybe her approval after she abandoned them. It is a deep hurt. Or maybe they really didn't want to go to college and she gives them free housing and freedom to do easy jobs so they trade that off and give her the money.
The entire situation sounds dysfunctional, but not only can't you control her, you can't control adult kids. They will do what they want to do. There is probably more to the story than you are being told. Talking about it to anyone most likely won't help.

Adoption is difficult for the person adopted. It is a seemingly unnatural abandonment by mom and dad and affects each person differently.
I agree bio. Mom is a part of this, but not that she is all of it. I am sorry for this sad update. But they have the option of going back home. I think the cycle will play out and they will go home. If they don't, they are old enough to know what they are choosing to do. Eighteen year olds are able to serve our country and vote. They are young, but not THAT young.

 

[kim75062]

I agree but I know the level of dysfunction and manipulation the bimom is capable of. My heart hurts for all the kids, I know it won't be long before she breaks their hearts all over again.

 

[BusynMember]

Being the mother who stayed up nights, walked the floors, gave hugs and kisses just for love, cared for them in illness and helped, when they were sad, say while they did homework, fought for them at school, sacrificed and loved our kids every day, even when it was hard, I feel the worst sadness in this mess for the REAL mothers of the kids who ran off to bio. Mom than I feel for the kids.

Sorry. Anyone old enough to menstrate can breed and spit out a baby. And any man can contribute sperm. That isn't being a mother or father. That is simply doing what all animals do....have sex and possibly breed when they have the urges.

What are these kids thinking? How hurt their parents must be and my heart aches for them. And I dont care how manipulative bio. Mom is. The kids are certainly old enough to get who their parents are and are not. Seeing bio. Mom out of curiosity is one thing. Living with her over their families is on them. 100%.

My sympathy lies with adoptive parents. Of course, we are not perfect. Who is? But we truly loved and cared for them. The womb and sperm donors (no offense or particular man meant) contributed nothing to their childhood, probably the most important years of their lives. They don't e

ven know them.

Jmo

 

[kim75062]

Being the mother who stayed up nights, walked the floors, gave hugs and kisses just for love, cared for them in illness and helped, when they were sad, say while they did homework, fought for them at school, sacrificed and loved our kids every day, even when it was hard, I feel the worst sadness in this mess for the REAL mothers of the kids who ran off to bio. Mom than I feel for the kids.

Sorry. Anyone old enough to menstrate can breed and spit out a baby. And any man can contribute sperm. That isn't being a mother or father. That is simply doing what all animals do....have sex and possibly breed when they have the urges.

What are these kids thinking? How hurt their parents must be and my heart aches for them. And I dont care how manipulative bio. Mom is. The kids are certainly old enough to get who their parents are and are not. Seeing bio. Mom out of curiosity is one thing. Living with her over their families is on them. 100%.

My sympathy lies with adoptive parents. Of course, we are not perfect. Who is? But we truly loved and cared for them. The womb and sperm donors (no offense or particular man meant) contributed nothing to their childhood, probably the most important years of their lives. They don't e

ven know them.

Jmo

I normally would agree with you SWOT, I know many adoptive families and they are 100% wonderful parents taking on these kids that are damaged due to the bio-parents neglect. There's always that 1% that really should of never adopted children though and unfortunately I think daughters parents are that 1%. The more Ive talked to the mom the more I can see that she really hasn't ever been a priority to them. More of a everyone else was having kids and they needed one as well to keep up. Their bio-child that came later went to private school, daughter went to public school because " her IQ wasn't high enough for them to waste their hard earned money on that type of investment" (her mothers words to me). Daughter was also allowed to drop out of high school at 16 due to bullying because her mother said 'it wasn't worth fighting if shes not going to make it through college anyway". They didn't find out she was dyslexic until she was 15, until then they just accepted the fact she had a "learning problem" and it wasn't worth the effort to teach her. She also needs glasses (no surprise all my kids and their dad do) but her mom told her they look ugly so she would never wear them. Her mother also always told her she was fat, and would purposefully buy her clothes 2 sizes to small to "encourage her" to lose weight. by the way shes like a size 8 and only 5' tall. shes far from fat.

 

[BusynMember]

I would say that like too many adoptive parents she wanted her adopted child to share her DNA abilities which doesn't happen. Many adoptied kids are sadly a disappointment to well off educated parents if they can't achieve at the same level they did.We were told by several social workers that parents like us, non college grads actually had much more success with adoption because our expectations tended to be realistic. Most kids who are adopted are not products of brilliant parents who are type A. Most are average people who may have had mental health issues and other limitations. Or they may be less achievement focused but

I just read an article about the high percentage of learning disabled adopted kids and that this tends to follow them through life. I get very angry at parents who would claim to love a five year old child just like he or she were born to them yet refuse to be flexible and proud when that person does his best, and it is not enough. So I agree with you!!!

On the other hand, the entire deck was stacked against her too. Her dad somehow lost touch with her and Bio. mom sounds like a piece of work!

I would not trade my kids for any kids, bio. or not. Ever. THEY are my heart and soul and if you feel any less about your adopted kids, you never should have adopted them.

I feel badly for all these kids. You would have been a good mother to this girl. You are truly big hearted and I bet you are accepring. That is important of all parents. I know many bio atenys who get upset at kids that don't go to college. in my opinion that is so wrong. If you want someone to save your wishes, get a puppy. Well, my dogs are not obidient......

 

[kim75062]

I forgot about this thread!

Quick update, against all advice here and better judgement daughter lives here now.
She came to visit in December, things went good much to my surprise. Went back home to biomom to be kicked out that same night.
Her Parents told her "that's what you get for trusting the one that gave you away" and refused to help her. After bouncing around friends houses for over a week, we let her come back here. (Mid January).

She got her GED by mid February, by march has enrolled in college to start this fall (yay now 2 kids in college at once to pay for!) she just got her birth certificate and as card (adoptive parents wouldn't give it up) so she can get a job and drivers license. She's 23 tomorrow and her parents refused to teach her how to drive because it would raise their car insurance.

Also no longer speaking to biomom, or siblings from biomom. Though she did locate all of them and put them in touch with each other. ALL of these kids have mental problems.

 

[Dory]

Hey Kim,

At the end,

It's just you. And if you are totally lucky,

You have a buddy,mate,to share the rest of your life.

I have done everything possible for my three children.

It's time for us to live the rest of our lives.

We give give give and our lives are eaten away!

Sorry for being nego,