husband went to visit young difficult child in prison...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Oct 24, 2012.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    This past Sunday.
    I went on a trip with my mom Friday and didn't get back til Sunday night.

    husband has offered young difficult child a job with his company...husband has 2 companies really. One that deals with cable jobs and one that deals with Network jobs. Oldest difficult child is currently doing the "cable side" of the business and has been quite successful at it! Oldest difficult child is expected to start doing work on the Network side of things as of this March. So oldest difficult child and young difficult child will be working together for 4 months til oldest transitions. Yikes!!! I am so hoping that young difficult child will appreciate this opportunity and thrive. There is quite a bit of money in it for young difficult child if he can manage...get along with others, work hard, etc.

    husband expects young difficult child to do a number of things, including:
    1. Comply with parole conditions
    2. No drinking or pain medications
    3. Pay rent to us...and a given amount of money to his family per month.
    4. His family is NOT to live with us...and they have to discuss overnight visits in advance.

    I did talk to daughter in law since the "visit" on Sunday and she said that young difficult child was concerned that he would not be able to see his family very often when he gets out in December...because of 6 day a week job situation (which oldest has been doing for around 2 yrs now). That kind of annoys me that he is thinking of what he will be missing instead of seeing all he has to gain. daughter in law and the kids are not going anywhere...they have been living with daughter in law's mother for past almost 2 yrs. What they need is for young difficult child to save up enough money to move them into a rent house.

    I was glad husband went to visit young difficult child without me. I don't know why...but it has often seemed to me that husband is much "harsher" on the difficult child's when I am present...??? I've never understood this but it's as if my being in the room with them causes husband to elevate his tone. It's very strange. In any event I was glad that husband went alone to visit young difficult child.

    We still have not put the house up for sell...have just a few more things to repair/finish up before we call a "stager" out to help re-arrange before it goes on the market.

    I'm doing well...alittle nervous about young difficult child coming home in 6 weeks or so...He claims to never ever want to go back to prison again.

    keeping your difficult child's in my thoughts and prayers,
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think your husband's offer is very generous and I hope your difficult child takes it. It will be hard for him to find a job when he gets out and this will be a way for him to start proving himself. He can save enough money to rent a house with his family after he has had some time transitioning back home. It's a win-win situation. Otherwise he is on his own and will have to find his own job.

    Why is it our difficult children can only think about what they want, not what they need.

  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    LMS- I think you & h are very logical and grounded and fwiw, I agree with your conditions absolutely.

    Forgive be if I overstep, how does daughter in law feel about the plan? I might take her out to lunch and make sure she understands that the end goal of difficult child living at home, working 6 days a week is to he can reunite their family in their own home. And that you want her to be united with you on that goal bc it's best for EVERYONE.

    I only say that because a few of us have had difficulties with our difficult child's SOs who have more influence than we do as parents. Just be careful, Know what I mean??
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm really pleased, LMS. Your husband has struggled with difficult child's path for quite a long time and although in the back of my head I was "hoping" I wasn't confident that he would offer "one more time". Whew! Perhaps difficult child doesn't really know how hard it is for a felon to get any job in today's market place...especially a white collar job. I will keep my fingers crossed and say a few prayers that he has matured a bit.

    Glad to read that you are doing well, my friend, and hoping that your real estate market is healthier than we have in Fl at the moment. The change of environment may be difficult for you but I see it as a fresh start for you and husband.
    Lots of new memories to be shared with-o chaos and violence. Hugs. DDD
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    So true that difficult child's tend to think more about what they want (immediate gratification) rather than what they need to provide and survive going forward. It's disturbing when his family could really use some stability and parents providing rather than seeing all the grandparents taking care of everything! It's been pretty dysfuncitonal.

    Good idea about lunch date with daughter in law as I do think she and young difficult child were planning on "honeymooning" for awhile. Though daughter in law has claimed that she realizes they will only be able to see each other on the weekends as grandson is now in Pre-K for 5 days a week. daughter in law is also going to classes Tues and Wed nights to get her GED. She even mentioned getting a job (outside of taking care of the kids) if her mother agrees. So I am glad that she is at least thinking of the future.

    Yes, I was also pretty relieved that husband and Oldest difficult child are willing to give young difficult child a job opportunity with them!
    Young difficult child will make enough money to take care of his family. You would think he would be extremely grateful...and maybe he is but obviously has really missed his family too. It was especially hard on him not seeing 3rd baby girl born and not really "knowing her". He already has a special relationship with his "fiesty" middle child/daughter...she is definitely a "daddy's girl". She is a risk taker and very independent-minded.

    I am looking forward to the next chapter in a new house DDD. And yes, it has been fun just being the two of us lately (husband and I without all the kiddo's).'s like "we" are aloud to act like kids for a change!!!

    I just talked to my mother and she suggested that I write young difficult child and ask him if he has "other options" than coming home to live with us. Perhaps he thinks he can have things "his way" if he is living in a half-way house, finding another job, and seeing his family on other terms. At least it would give him something to think about...the alternative. We are not going to just let him come home and be on "vacation from prison".

    Thank you for the care,
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    A halfway house seems like a great alternative... :)

    That is an incredible opportunity you are offering him! I cannot imagine what it must have been like for him to not be there to a child born and miss out on the beginning of her life. I know he is where he is because of his own actions, but that has to be hard on a person...
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    It has been hard on young difficult child but as you said it is because of his own actions.

    It is so clear that young difficult child has Bipolar Disorder like myself. And I know the sub abuse is because of his anxiety and depression. He was depressed when he took pills and was drunk, wife calling 911, then at hospital spitting at police because they wouldn't let him see his wife. 2 Felony's for that.
    Then breaking probation for the Felony's by being drunk (and who knows what else) getting angry and putting his fist through windshield of car with his children in the backseat. The second offense was he has literally been in prison/jail the past year for spitting at police.
    It's a hard lesson...but his latest letter suggested he has been doing quite a bit of soul searching in re: to his drinking/drug abuse.
    He also has been known to stab himself at different times. I do have concerns about suicidal behavior if things don't work out just as we all plan.
    I will call 911/ambulance to assist if he is suicidal again.
    And if I have to...I will call his parole officer if he "falls off the wagon" too many times.
    I understand a "slip" but if drinking/drugging ever becomes a pattern again he must find somewhere else to live and work.

    Young difficult child has alot of choices in front of him. I am hoping his sweet beautiful family will provide enough "reason" for him to want drastic change in his life and follow through.

    We shall see...