I am feeling out of place here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Ropefree, Nov 19, 2008.

  1. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Hello Parents...I am new to this whole type of relationship and I am not feeling
    supported. I do want to find input and ideas from others who are in the fray with the turmoil that comes with the process of living in the world as it is with the conditions we have amoung us.
    I am not feeling the support. For example last night I was responding to the threads, the people and situations that I assume is the point...having feedback that inspires and encourages us to keep on plugging away. And the moderator interjects that I just posted "the same thing five minutes ago":faint:
    Maybe I did...hit the submit twice... or maybe it was a differant one and some of the thoughts are similar.
    Anyway...I do not "get" this site yet and I keep coming here because the voices I am reading here are in this river with my family and pulling against the same forces that we all find along this journey.
    Also when I am looking for responce I am not finding that what I thought I did add is being included...maybe I am not doing the search correctly...but
    I hope to figure this out and hope that my voice is welcome.
    Tootle do.
    Any thoughts?:anxious:
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you were treated that way. I haven't been around as much as I use to but I will try extra hard to be supportive. I know this kind of forum can be very intimidating if you aren't use to it.

    I'm not sure why your responses are not being recorded. I'll try to go back and see which threads yu posted on and see if I can figure something out.

    In the meantime why don't you start a post of your own and we can get to know yu a little better.

  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Sorry if you do not feel like you are being listened to.
    Are you looking for support or just looking to give advice?
    Maybe let us get to know you like Nancy said. What kinds of of things are you going through. There are a lot of parents here who have a lot to offer and have been here a long time.
    We are a good group and try to listen and help when needed.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    OK I think I now understand a little better. It seems that in some of your posts you are lecturing rather than giving input. Perhaps if you change the wording of your responses you will get a better reaction. It also sounds like at times you are presenting yourself as an expert, when many of us have been through years of this stuff and resent someone coming in and telling us what to do.

    I wish that some members would be honest and give you that feedback instead of deciding to ignore you or put down your responses. I am surprised the moderator didn't give you some advice on how to make your stay with us more comfortable. If you have truly come here looking for mutual support in this difficult child world we live in, then you are like all of us here and deserve the same consideration and respect. But it is better to walk softly when you first come in until we all get to know you.

    I hope this is helpful.

    Last edited: Nov 19, 2008
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Ropefree,
    gosh, I hadn't noticed any lack of responses to you more than anyone else, not anything in an obvious way ... maybe it's that there are so many threads, that people are all over the place on notes. I did a search for you and found that I had responded to about half of the same threads you had responded to, and also to one you had started. We don't all respond to the same notes.
    (And if others are like me, we start to type something and then our difficult child walks in and interrupts our train of thought and poof! we forget to hit "send" or we type in a convoluted msg.)

    Also, sometimes there isn't a whole lot to say after a while ... for eg, look at how many people actually respond to a note and how many people have read it. It's generally a very different number. Some of my notes have rec'd about 20 responses but have gotten over 300 hits!
    I occasionally have problems being unable to find my own posts. Usually I miss the fact that the thread has expanded to more than one page and I forget to click on the next page and think it disappeared.
    That's a possibility.

    Also, I see in your profile that you are a creative person. You like to write, as do I, but not everyone here likes to write; they do it simply to communicate. They have to. So some people will not respond as often or with-as long of a response as you would hope.

    I don't know anything about the moderator issue. If I post twice, I hope it is deleted :). I've had a cpl threads locked and it was sad, but I could see why it happened.

    I'd just keep plugging away. We all need one another's support and we all have different ways of responding to things.

    At one point I saw that there were over 3,000 members here. You're going to get a wide variety of opinions, attention, and lack thereof.

    I hope that helps. :) I've exhausted my supply of limited brain cells for today. :)
  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    It's funny that you say that because I was just thinking last night that I have had so much support regarding my recent "daughter in jail" posts and I was feeling a bit guilty that I haven't responded to many others posts. For no other reason than I have been busy and so consumed with my own turmoil, it hasn't been easy lately. I am so sorry that maybe I have been a little selfish and have not reached out. Please know that everyone here has good intentions and no one means to shun you purposely.

    Welcome to the board. Please stick it out. This truly is a wonderful site to be a part of. The people here have helped me a great deal. We truly are a cyber family. :)
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Just speaking for myself - I tend to reply when it's something that I know about. I'm not "up" on the ADHD stuff and I'm always afraid that I might answer stuff incorrectly.

    I tend to "shoot from the lip" as my mom used to say, so I'm a little more cautious on the forum when it comes to giving out information or input.

    My kids are not in their teens yet, so I don't have parenting experience to back up my opinions, so I tend to just give a "quick perusal" and then move on.

    I do offer my condolences to all that are currently parents of teens because most of them are "icky". ;)

    I've also been sick, chasing around like a nut and not sleeping at night, so my posts haven't been as frequent as usual.

    Sorry you don't feel supported - keep plugging away - we'll get to know you and you'll get to know most of us!

  8. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    Hello Ropefree
    Sorry you feel this way.
    I have a son with Prader Willi synd and no medication prescribed and I dont have a lot of advice to give but I got lots of considerate ,knowledgeable advice here given with great warmth and I have no other great experience to pass to others yet but my support for each individual situation
    Stick with it .We are all battling a difficult road for life/
  9. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I'm sorry you feel out of place. I hope you stick around and see what a great group of parents/friends this place is made up of. We all have different & unique situations.....sometimes the right people are not on at the right time that have been there done that or have suggestions/comments that can relate. I do not post as much as I would like to because of a few reasons......time, lack of specific experience/knowledge of the topic, many times I start typing... it will be 2 hours later & I can't finish my original thoughts. What I do know is that when I found this place it was perfect timing for me.......everyone here has been wonderful helping in one way or another even if it's just knowing I'm not alone & can reach out if I need to. I also have realized that I get the biggest smile on my face when I read positive things about all of these families daily.....that means these difficult child's of ours can bring happiness & I was doubting that when I first came here. This family has changed that for me ;)
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I kind of agree with Nancy. When I see those kinds of posts, I'm not sure what to do with them. I will be honest--I don't really read them. A lot of us have been through the mill, although at times we still need lots of support. But I don't really know that most of us are looking for that type of advice...your posts did not make me angry at all. I just sort of post when I think I can help, and you didn't sound like you were asking for any help/support...
    I hope you stay.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hopefully some of the feedback will help you and we will be more aware of your posts.
    I can tell you that long circuitous posts take too much time to read. (I have been doing this for years). I seldom read them all the way through if I can't follow the story. If you are asking for support or help we can share our stories and offer our support but all of us are on equal footing. We are all overwhelmed parents who have been through it all. We tend to not appreciate being lectured to .

    Clear up your signature profile so it is a little clearer what your children's ages, diagnosis etc. If you look around you can pick up what is a more common way to do a signature profile.

    It's a nice group and supportive but as a newcomer you have to give a little too.
    Welcome to our little corner of the world.
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hello Ropefree, I am experiencing computer problems so have not been around a few days.

    I get the "duplicate post within last 5 minutes" a lot. It is a computer message (not from a moderator). It seems to be easy for me to hit the submit button more than once. :smashcomputer:
    Hang in there. It sometimes takes awhile for people to learn how they can best help someone. I don't always know what to say right away. (Sorry)

    I hope you will continue.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    This is a truly a great group here and I have received so much support over the last year. I tend to come for a while and then not find time for a while and then when I come back I feel like I've lost all my buds but it's not true. There is a collective sisterhood here that endures. I hope you decide to stay. Hugs, ML
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member


    well i can say a few things, this place i have found to be an amazing source of support, friendship and even laughter at times. yet in life I have learned that most things take time. Everyone here is wonderful, we are all unique and yes listening is infact a skill I have learned. I tend to rant and rave yet this site has taught me patience and to truly enhance my listening skills.

    I'm sorry you had a negative experience, yet you have to understand also we respond to threads because we "want" to, and also we are all busy on and off through the day with our difficult child madness. So, it's def a heavier flow here at times than others.

    ok well i hope to see you posting your own threads :)
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It takes a little time to get used to the nuances of any new group. This group is very welcoming and supportive and has become a family to me, and to many of us.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hang in there if you can, ropefree.

    I remember back when I first joined - there were times I was desperate for some answers, I was really stuck because our system and our bureaucrats were being obstructive and I didn't know how to get around them, or what services we were entitled to. I posted in desperation and found so few replies that my thread disappeared off the front page too fast.

    And the problem (with the benefit of 20:20 hindsight) was twofold:

    1) I don't think people really understood just how desperate i was for help, answers, ideas, anything; and

    2) Because I was the only Aussie member, nobody was sufficiently familiar with the Aussie education system and what advice I DID get was stuff I'd tried long ago, and it hadn't worked because our bureaucrats were able to block stuff that they shouldn't have been able to.

    I almost dropped out at that point. But there were glimmers of help in other areas which had me hanging in there, and over time I began to understand the people her a bit better and got a better feel for how things work in general.

    A site like this has rules that you have to follow. They're all spelled out clearly. But every site is different in the unwritten rules that are simply part of the combined personalities of those involved. If we had to sit down and write these out for you I think we'd have a hard time trying to define everything. But I can tell you this - those unwritten rules are a lot better and kinder here than on many other sites. I often do searches for obscure topics here and there (from emails I get, etc) and sometimes I come across other forums where the rudeness is so extreme it's breathtaking. Even forums where support is offered on a range of topics (not necessarily to do with kids) - you say something even slightly controversial and they jump down your throat with obscenities. A young friend of ours was on "Australian Idol" and I posted a supportive message about her and some of the responses I got were very upsetting, simply because the girl I was supporting was not THEIR chosen 'pet'.

    I've only rarely seen people on this site react even remotely like that, and only when a particularly hot topic gets under people's skin. The moderators here are thankfully very vigilant about this and will jump on anyone (me included) if something we say risks upsetting someone else. Because I'm an Aussie I have to watch my language, what is innocent to us can be offensive to people form other countries. It goes the other way also - language acceptable in the US can be offensive to an Aussie, but there're few of us here and we're thick-skinned.

    When I first joined this site I was really desperate for help, I was frantic. I was also very easily upset, because of the ordeals we'd been through fighting the education system and the bullying problem, for years. I still get angry when I look back and see what we endured, especially the boys. My desperation also made me hypersensitive to criticism (real or implied) and there were a few times when I wanted to walk away. I've copped criticism in PMs as well as in threads and it has felt like a kick in the guts. The occasional person breezing through this site can be a bit heavy-handed with the criticism. And then - I've often tried to show support and had my words seen as criticism or sarcasm because the person reading it was oversensitive (just as I was in the beginning). I had one new member I responded to take umbrage at my frequent use of quote marks - I do it when I'm unsure of the semantics of a word, for example. She interpreted it as me being sarcastic and *****y, which was not what I intended. If she had read previous posts of mine she would have realised that I wouldn't do that, certainly not to a new member and only ever in fun to someone who I feel 'knows' me well (see? I did it again!). Unfortunately, she didn't stick around to get to know us. A pity.

    I also have learned to stay away from topics I know less about - it's too easy for me to put my foot in my mouth! And sometimes what I would do is very different, for cultural reasons. We're more laid-back in Australia, we often react differently.

    So hang in there, be gentle with yourself and don't expect miracles form us yet. Until we get to know you better, any advice we have for you may be very wide of the mark.

    And maybe it will be the same for you - as you get to know US better (individually) you may find yourself having a better 'feel'.

    It happens like this in real life too, I've found.

  17. Please hang around ropefree,

    I think it takes a while to get a feel for the Board. I know that I have gained so much just by reading the posts of others. I only respond when I believe that I have something of value to add, so that's not so often - as I'm really new to all of this. Given time, I think you will see just how supportive and helpful everyone is here.

    I have a sense that you will have much to offer to the mix. I'm really looking forward to your future posts.
  18. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sorry, but when I read your posts I didn't see where you were asking for anything or saying anything specific. I'm one of those who can respond to certain issues because I have had experience with them but I'm really not a touchy-feely type. Heck, the people that I love here (and I truly do love them) are lucky to get a "hug" from me.

    This post, to me, is your first post that showed any honest emotion or asked for anything concrete. We're a good group. We care about each other even if we don't always like each other. We'll help in any way we can but we have to know what you need and want from us.

    I rarely post any issues with my daughter and, when I have, I usually received few responses. I understand it is my problem because I don't say how much I'm hurting or how confused I am or the like. I come across as pretty strong and pretty sure of myself even when I'm not. So, I don't get the responses many get but it is not the fault of this group. I know that if I ever say I'm in pain and I need support I will get it wholeheartedly and overwhelmingly. However, I also know I have to be the one to say I need it. Few here are mind readers.

    You have to do the same. You have to say what you need and want, what is going on. Generalities just don't work. You won't always get the answers you want but that is because of the wealth of experience here. If we think there is a way to handle something better or we know that what you are trying won't work, we'll tell you. Usually as gently as possible but some of us have a sledgehammer (me, sadly) approach.

    Like anything else in life, take what you need and leave the rest. If we aren't giving you what you need after you have asked us, we may be the wrong group for you.
  19. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Marg's comment about how she felt when she first joined certainly struck home with me as well. I think when we all first come to this site we're so desperate for help, feeling very alone, and been told so often things like it's a problem with the family, if you'd just discipline him more etc etc etc etc etc. as if we hadn't already tried every method of discipline in the book - that we become very sensitive to critical remarks, whether real or just interpreted that way. I know that's the way I felt when joining here, so relieved to read posts from parents who's kids were like mine, yet unsure of what would be said about me and my kids, even if anyone would respond at all.

    Like Marg, being from western Canada and my problems being a lot with how my difficult child was in school, I don't think there was a lot that members could help me with as our school system and health system are different, even slight different from the Ontario members here. And as I don't post a lot, I don't get tons of replies when I do which I understand, people respond more when they get to know you more or resonate more with the problems you're having, but the responses I got were what I needed to help my difficult child. Even seeing that people were reading my posts even if they didn't respond let me know that my "venting" was heard.

    I don't tend to respond very often when the problems are bipolar, or adhd or something I don't know much about, I don't want to offer advice or thoughts that might be wrong or out of place. I have limited time during the day to read let alone post, but I am sorry if I've missed posting to you when I could have, my bad, and I hope you don't give up on the site. The people are very caring here, and the more we get to know you, the more people will talk to you.
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    I think we've all felt at one time or another that we're either being misunderstood or we don't receive the feedback that we hoped for. I have found that the boards on this forum tend to ebb and flow, just like in life. Sometimes I am surprised by the responses that I or others receive about a seemingly insignificant matter. Other times I feel bad when I see someone post with little to no response.

    The thing is that not every one posts because either they have their own stuff they are dealing with and simply cannot find the strength to be supportive of anyone on a particular day. Or perhaps they simply cannot relate.

    Also, written responses, as opposed to verbal response lose the nuances of body language and facial expressions...so often, words spoken flippantly can be misconstrued as being mean spirited or lacking in appropriate emotions.

    I won't tell you what to do, but I do hope you will stick around a bit and give it time. Do some reading of other posts and try to get a feel for the way the boards operate. Hugs, hang in there.