My S/O and I have been together 6 years. He's wonderful with my kids, he's got a kind heart, is patient, loves kids, has always wished he and I could have had a child (my tubes are tied). He so wishes for a chance to be with a woman, in love, having a child to parent with a spouse. i've spoken here years ago about his daughter. She is 15 now. The mother sadly is a major drinker and drug addict (drugs we know of: meth, cocaine, oxy's), she's a total nutjob. They broke up when his daughter was a infant, she was caught in bed with S/O's best friend while pregnant for their child. He stuck it out for the baby. When she was diagnosed as severely autistic, it was discovered that she had started her drug use during pregnancy. My s/o couldn't stomach her after that. He had regular contact with his daughter for the first several years, and continues to always pay support (even while unemployed) and would help his ex with above that amount if it was really for their daughter (and not drugs or bailing her out for bills when she spent her money on drugs etc). then for 8 years, she was in a drugged out abyss and cut all contact to my s/o. A year after s/o and i met, she called my house (he wasn't living with me either, it was weird). Out of the blue after 8 years. she carried on about her "burden" and exhaustion and how she shouldn't have to parent alone and s/o better "step up" "man up" "grow up" and take on half "the load" (as if the poor kid is a load of manure or something GrR). Now, s/o NEVER wanted to be shoved out his daughters life. So we sucked up her game playing for the greater good. We worked hard to help his daughter adapt to us, to my kids, and worked to where she could come spend weekends here. They live 3 hours away, we have no car. We managed anyhow. Even to where we'd pay his ex the gas to drive here and drop their daughter, then pay for her hotel and meals for a long weekend and her gas back home). then she disappeared again. dating a wealthy bar owner who supplied her cocaine. 6 months later, pops back up again. shows up to drop off their daughter completely loaded drunk at our door. we had several visits in a row with her drunk dropping off and drunk picking up (thank god she wasn't driving). Then she disappeared. each time, it was harder as their daughter got older, to help her get used to us again etc. We'd get over her rages, get her comfortable visiting again, poof, away goes the mom with her again. The last contact with his daughter was 3 years ago, Thanksgiving. Mother was stumbling drunk in my door, 7 hours late, on Thanksgiving day. My entire extended family was here, she was falling into them etc. It was horrible. After that visit, no contact AGAIN. About 6 months later she called all "frantic" and stressed, "need a break, i'm bringing her tonight". What?? We had a big family event that weekend. S/O said where ya been for 6 months? Again?? Explained we couldn't without notice, but the following weekend worked for us. We never heard from her again. 2 years goes by. Almost exactly a year ago, he was on course for work in her area for 3 months. he was staying with his brother and sister in law. he tracked her down and asked to take his daughter each weekend to his brothers. it never happened. Once she set it up, then cancelled last minute. then the next weekend she said she wouldn't let their daughter go, but that SHE would come spend the weekend with my S/O! He was like, huh? NO. the next weekend, she said he could spend the weekend at HER house with their daughter AND her, but only if they resume a relationship because "their daughter needs mom and dad together in the same home as a family". He told her in no uncertain terms, wasnt' happening. that was the last we heard. Today, doorbell rings. There she is on my front step. I was stunned. i said he isn't here. She said can i come in. I said no. she was shocked. she said I've always come in. I said "S/O isnt here". She said so what, you've always been nice to me, we get along fine. I said "we did get along fine until I watched you break your daughters heart over and over and play destructive games with the love of my life". I then told her what time S/O would be home. She went into a meltdown on my step. How she didn't sign up for parenting alone, my S/O is a deadbeat if he doesn't "man up". I got a bit nasty. thankfully I didn't swear, name call or yell. But I lost the polite small talk. Told her to never ever tell me that s/o needs to "man up". That he's a wonderful man who loves his daughter and is an amazing father and step father. That she needs to grow up and do right for THEIR DAUGHTER. Told her to take her drugged out self off my front step and speak to S/O who HAS to deal with her dramatics but that i didnt' feel a need to. She turned on the tears. Went on about how she is so messed up. Has hurt s/o so much. how she loves him. (Excuse me??? loved him while pregnant with his child and being in bed in HIS house while high on cocaine and having intercourse with her drug dealer???) Anyhow, I told her to can it. That I dont' care what she thinks of S/O, or of herself. That what I do care about is not listening to her garbage, and that i do care about her daughter and hadn't heard a thing in her drama about feeling bad for hurting that girl. more of the same dramatics, true confessions time. She carried on more about her "burden". I did speak kindly for a moment. Told her I can't imagine the responsability that comes along with parenting such a special needs child and can only guess at how difficult it must be. i do actually feel huge compassion and understanding for the difficulties in that. Then I told her that if she thinks she is going to play on S/O's heart strings with tears, he was over her tears affecting him when the doctor implicated her cocaine abuse in respect to their daughters disabilites. That he was not going to sign up AGAIN for her ****. That I knew he would be more than happy to be supportive and coparent. but that no way he'd sign up for games again. She actually had the nerve to then tell me that she didn't want him to coparent. She wanted a place to safely drop their daughter when she needs a break every few months for a week or two. WHAT??? I was beyond any words. So I just quietly told her I had nothing nice to say so the conversation should end. Told her again when S/O would arrive home. she honestly said to me "Well if I can't come in to wait, would you like to go out for a drink with me while I wait". OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took a deep breath and said "He'll be home at 5:30". And shut the door in her face. I knew she'd be out there before S/O could get home, waiting in her car. So I took a taxi across the city to the sticks where the airport is, and his school campus. Found his class and had him grab his stuff and beg out to his professor. Waited 20 minutes for a taxi to drive all the way back to teh airport for us. filled in S/O. he cried. He knows this isn't a chance to be there for his daughter. It's a game played for her benefit to party when she wants, as always. We arrived home. He cried some more. he was writing a note to put on the door for her when she showed up. he planned to write a note saying to leave, call him next week when he has a chance to figure out what to say to her. Didn't get to it in time though> Turns out she was up the street watching the house (creepy!) and had seen us come in. So she's rang the doorbell about 10 times in the past hour. S/O had locked the door and told me that he can't cope with her. He has an exam tomorrow and is so upset, I know he can't possibly study. I hope his prof will put it off until Monday for him. He can't bring himself to talk to her. no good can come from it because she's not going to stop the game playing, and once and for all, he's too old and fed up to continue to let her put him and that poor kid in this position. it's extra sad because his daughter no longer remembers even spending time here, after a 3 year absence. She shows no recognition of the word "dad". (told to us via her family) His daughter may not even realize she's missing out on a awesome father, but we know that she is missing out. It's horrible to watch my S/O suffer over and over again. I wish I could have just rattled her and shook sense into her. Sorry for the length. i had to vent, erupt, whatever. I didnt' feel it fair to vent to S/O about my feelings on this issue, when this is HIS daughter, the pain is his, the loss of his daughter is his. its a shame for his ex too. Many people don't have an ex who "gets" what it means to coparent even while not in a romantic relationship anymore. She had every chance to have a involved father to be there for their daughter, and even to remain there for her, within a friendship setting despite their break up. She is truly a lost cause. ------------- PS. his ex's mother and father live on the same property in another house, and her sister and brother in law on the opposite side of the same property. They are very involved with S/O's daughter, so the only upside to anything in this story is that his duaghter is mostly protected from seeing her mother all messed up when she's drugging. it is a crying shame that she is around her mother though when she is on a drinking tear. thankfully it is mostly avoided by her parents taking over and her going out on her partying stint while this girl is safe with grandma etc.