I apparently ruined my daughter's wedding

zeke11

New Member
My 30 yo daughter got married 4 days ago. She had an elaborate wedding (we contributed some, but could not afford much). I designed and created all the centerpieces, packaged them, etc., went to all her dress fittings, helped her find the dress and did much damage control when she was stressed out about this or that. Reassured her, supported her, took care of details.

After the wedding, there was a general :censored2: session - she was complaining about the shuttle bus service, bus was late, driver was inept, etc. My sister chimed in with the fact that one of the hotels neglected to hand out the care packages that my daughter had prepared for out of town guests staying there. I had not reported any negatives to my daughter, simply reiterating that everything worked out for the best - the late driver resulted in late guests getting to the ceremony on time, etc.

However there was one thing that kind of upset me at the reception. I had asked daughter if it was ok if I requested a few songs from the dj. She said ok, so I emailed the dj a week before the wedding with a list of 8 meaningful songs. Music is important to me and I really looked forward to dancing to these songs, one of which was my husband and my wedding song. DJ immediately emailed back that he would work the songs throughout the evening.

3/4 through the reception, I had not heard one song. I went to the dj and asked and he said he couldn't get into his email and didn't remember what my songs were. I said oh, that's disappointing. A minute later, he called me back and showed me he had opened the email. I said great! The night went on and finally I heard one of my songs played. That was it. Just one song (not our wedding song by the way).

Now let me interject that I know this is my daughter's wedding, not mine. And I had no input (other than centerpieces). But anyway, again, the song requests were really the only thing that I had asked for and I was very sad that didn't work out.

After listening to my daughter talk about what didn't go exactly as planned and that she was going to email some of these vendors, at that point the next day I sent her a quick email telling her about the dj and that I was disappointed. Then I went to google the name of the dj service and saw a review site. So I though, ok - I'll do a quick review and wrote exactly what I wrote above - exactly what transpired. I gave him a one star because he was not apologetic in any way and bordered on rude to me as well.

The text messages from my daughter then came fast and furious --

"I had a great time and the last thing I need is people coming back to me telling me all the negative things that happened and why they didn't have fun to try to change my viewpoint."

Of course I had no intention of the above and immediately apologized to her and went back and removed the review. Then i found his facebook page and gave a 5 star review and since it was on my phone and I'm not an expert texter, I wrote a one word review - "Fabulous!"

Then she responds:

"Now I just feel like this is a jab at me. You just needed to delete the review you didn't have to go back and do a sarcastic comment when you clearly don't feel that way. Here I am still happy and excited from the weekend instantly crushed with a long email about something negative and then that notification of that review which just feels like you creating drama and trying to get at me. Sometimes it just feels like you like to create negativity. We wanted to come spend time wiht you this weekend but now I don't even feel like it.

I don't know why you couldn't just let me have my positive thoughts of the day without throwing in something to try to ruin it. You send me like a 5 page email (my note: it was about 2 paragraphs just explaining what happened as above) about how horrible it was. (my note: I only told her the dj story and NOT that I thought the whole wedding was horrible). I don't know how you would at any point figure that it would be a good idea 4 days after our wedding.

You really should think things through. If anything you should be trying to make sure anything negative DOESN'T get to me yet instead you're making sure it does." (my note: yes, I had done exactly that, praising everything and telling her that I had a wonderful time until I heard her complaining about some things she was planning to follow up on that were negative and I thought she really wanted to know about things like this so she could also follow up).

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So, after this I had to leave the house, went to a small park and felt like I had to talk to somebody, but I felt like I did such a terrible thing to her I was embarrassed to talk to a friend or sister thinking they would judge me for being so cruel. I was literally uncontrollably sobbing. I ended up calling a crisis hotline and the lady talked to me so I was able to calm down.

I admit I am a sensitive person and to be accused of this terrible treatment just killed me. I know there are two sides to every story, but I did support her so much through some real potential disasters regarding guests declining that she felt terrible about, in-law interference that she was stressing over; spent a lot of money we don't have, threw her a beautiful shower. Never once did she compliment my centerpieces. The only comment she had ever made was to tell me not to use the ones that I really was proud of as she didn't like them. (they were white roses in a white lace basket with some lavender tulle and small pearls).

Today I'm crying again and I feel our relationship cannot be mended since I am so hurt. I feel like she is way more concerned about the dj's feelings than her own mother's. I thought she would tell me she was sorry I didn't hear my songs and I didn't expect that she would complain to the dj, but I thought maybe she might side with me. The fact that she is so angry with me because of his feelings just adds to my hurt.

If I am wrong, please set me straight. I did apologize immediately without arguing about it, but she continued to accuse me of ruining her wedding. Maybe she will eventually forget this happened, but I never will.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think that your daughter was over the top mean. Is this normally how she treats you?

I would have been devestated too. I would have cried.

If this is how she often treats you,perhaps she is not really a nice person, daughter or not. We come here because of problem children, mostly adults. Is this why you came? We understand.

You should NOT have to walk on eggshells around anyone, especially your daughter. You did nothing wrong. She in my opinion was being difficult and disrespectful.
 
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zeke11

New Member
My gosh, SOT - I am so appreciative of your reply. I really don't know sometimes if I am wrong. I do feel she is disrespectful and I also feel like I am walking on eggshells around her.

I joined this group several years ago when I was having trouble with another child, when she was a teen. She is now 26 and is very sweet and I get along great with her.

Thank you for letting me know I did nothing wrong. I was just so embarrassed to discuss this with my sister because I wasn't sure at all.

I felt so awful because I went out of my way, seriously, to let her and her husband know that I thought the venue was delightful and gorgeous (although it was a barn and it was extremely hot and difficult for me because i have heart disease), that the food was delicious, the desserts amazing, and that I was having the best time ever. I really did - and for her to say that I was only negative about everything really shocked me.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
It wasnt true. You were kind and loving. So you are not allowed to voice a complaint? She is your boss? You have to watch what you say and do regarding her? Why? That sounds to me like the problem is hers, not yours. Does she have a mental illness or a personality disorder, like borderline? Have you suspected anything was wrong?

I dont know though about confiding in family. Depending on the family dynamics, that can make things worse. Relatives can tattle like Mean Girls if it is a drama filled group .You know them best. Can you trust sister with your thoughts?

I prefer therapists. They are neutral and dont tell anyone. Second on my tier would be a dear friend who does not really know your family and cant get involved. And was honestly caring.

I hate FB. It is often used as a bully pulpit for chaotic families and friends. I dont use FB and most of my kids dont either anymore. I suggest using willpower and not reading your daughter's postings if she is disrespectful to you.

My daughter is having a barn ceremony next August. I hope its not real hot in there!!

Love and light and you treat yourself the kind way you deserve to be treated. Maybe distace yourself from this daughter while she is having her poor me hissy fit. Even after, if this is the way she treats you focus in on those who are kind to you. I learned to do this. It makes llife much better.
 
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Nomad

Well-Known Member
It’s been my experience that people definitely can be over sensitive and odd when it comes to weddings. Big time.
And sometimes a person might have a small point, but blow it up to the point that it makes no sense.
Or sometimes one can agree to disagree.
You might want to seek counseling.
It sounds very painful.
I hope in time it blows over
Hang in there.
 

Tired out

Well-Known Member
The problem with emails/texts and anything written on internet, including reviews are that the writing can seem sarcastic, mean, complaining or nice depending on the mood of the person reading it.
Since you were unhappy with the DJ (which it sounds like she took personally, after all she hired the dj) she read you "Fabulous" with an eye roll like you were being snarky..she is the only one who would read it that way because she knows the back story.
Wedding are emotional time bombs from the time the planning starts to 2 weeks after.
My daughter's maid of honor went all diva at the reception and left early. The best man (groom's brother) wouldn't co-operate with the photographer. there was a long list of stuff afterwards..I don't remember what it was now! What I do remember..delicious cake, the family that came from out of town, the 1000 balloons Julie and (difficult) brother blew-up for reception. the 1050 paper flowers we made for tables, bouquets and swags. Dancing with the bride to Taylor Swift's "shake it off" . And the Mother's & daughter's dance my daughter requested to Taylor Swift's "Best day with you today". There were so many good moments the bad ones fade away.
Truthfully, I am not going to complain about something someone else booked and paid for. I wasn't thrilled with some things at my daughter's wedding but I only critiqued the things we personally paid for.
To be honest I think you are both over the top.
Your daughter for getting so upset with you for being unhappy with dj.
You for sobbing uncontrollably over a tiff with daughter.
Let it go. Don't bring it up again. not to apologize, nothing.
If she brings it us just tell her to let it go. Tell her You enjoyed the wedding and loved being there for it and she was a beautiful bride. All the little crap of weddings passes and hopefully there will be wonderful pictures to look at to remember all the fun parts and let the little glitches go.Bring up special moments of the wedding.
Good luck.
 
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