I don't think SO will ever get it. Sigh

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Nov 15, 2013.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Once again SO and I had an argument over my parenting of difficult child. He thinks I let her walk all over me and I'm a bad parent. While it's true that sometimes I do give in to her because she is so demanding and persistent, I don't think he realizes that parenting a difficult child and a easy child are two totally different worlds. He has one adult son who is a easy child. Him and his wife divorced when he was a baby, so all he has ever had was every other weekend visits with his him when he was growing up. He was never a full time parent, and his son, for the most part, was a easy child without any real issues. He just doesn't get how parenting a mentally ill child is different than parenting one who is emotionally stable.

    Last night, for example, difficult child asked me for a dollar so she could go down to the vending machine to get a snack. We are both trying to lose weight and snacking on junk food at 8:00 at night is a no go. I told her she couldn't have it, but she begged and pleaded with me, stating she was still starving after dinner, and she wouldn't let up. I am in the middle of a medication change, and lately I have been getting terrible migraines. Last night was another bad night, and all I wanted to do was to try and sleep it off. I gave in and let her have the stupid dollar. I wasn't in the mood for more badgering, and difficult child can get brutal. When she doesn't get what she wants, she gets up in my face, and sometimes shakes me and won't leave me alone. I couldn't deal with it so I gave in. I know I should have stood my ground, but last night was not the night to do so.

    This morning, at 6:30, I wake up with the migraine still here, and a text from my boyfriend telling me to stop being such a push over and start being a parent. I can't count how many times we have already had this discussion. Again, I don't always give in, but it does heavily depend on the situation and what mood I'm in. I told him about my migraine and why I let difficult child have her way. He told me it was no excuse. Then he had the nerve to say that it's obvious that when my kids were little, I didn't say no from the get go and that's why they walk all over me now. He couldn't be more wrong and the nerve of him to say that! He has no idea how many countless times I had to endure difficult child's tantrums for hours on end because this kid of mine never gives up! I have been scratched, hit, had things thrown at me. I've had to save her from hurting herself. She would bang her head against the wall, kick in car windows, scratch herself till she bled, and tear her own hair out. I stayed strong, like everybody told me to back then, because they told me it was just a "phase." Yeah right, a phase she never grew out of!

    Back then I was much younger and stronger. I had more patience. I was in my twenties and I could tolerate it better. Since i just hit my forties, my patience is nearly gone, and I find it harder to put up with her antics. Sometimes I am strong, and other times, when I have a pulsating migraine and I am sleep deprived, I am not so strong. But he needs to learn to stay out of it! He came in her life waaaay too late to try and tell me how to be her parent. He seriously needs to back off. Plus he has the habit of texting me during stressful times, like when I'm at work or early in the morning when I'm trying to get everybody ready. It is stressing me out and I don't know how to politely tell him to back off without sounding like a *****. This weekend it's his birthday and I am taking him out to his favoritet restaurant. Right now, with the way I'm feeling, I don't want to be anywhere near him. How can I let him know that my kids, although they adore him, are really none of his business when it comes to their discipline?
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Can you print this out and read it to him? You have really stated everything so purposefully. He let you have it about your parenting skills. You can calmly state everything in that letter, including your thoughts on his parenting skills. Stand up to him and show him you are not a pushover, don't make any excuses for your parenting skills ever again. Everyone is too old for this, sometimes it just is what it is. He has to accept it now and back the heck off. I understand you completely, I work with special needs children all day. I had a difficult child of of my own. People think the worst of the parent, not understanding that you are putting 3,000 percent more of yourself into parenting a difficult child than a easy child. It certainly doesn't seem that way to "others" who really ignorant of the situation and don't know enough to be grateful they somehow ended up with easy child's.
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Upallnight, you are so right and I see it all the time where I work. My coworkers constantly put the blame on the parents over here. Kid gets bad grades? Blame the parents. Kid refuses to come to school? Obviously the parents never had any control over them when they were little. I am trying to educate people as much as possible about difficult children and the reasons why they do some of the things they do. I don't know if I'm making any impact on anybody, but I sure am trying. It just burns me up to hear a teacher or a coworker say it's all the parents fault when the kid misbehaves. Of course there are a few times I do see a parent who has basically let their kids do whatever they want without suffering any consequences, but more often than not it's so much more than that. I am constantly hearing the blame game and I don't like it, especially when it comes to my own life. If someone has never walked in my shoes they can't even come close to telling me what I should/would/could do. Everybody has a story and those who think they have it all figured out are just ignorant. Yes, that includes my boyfriend.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Maybe the teachers need to read "Lost in School"... the "teacher" version of "The Explosive Child".
    Our RR teachers are always stuffing that under the noses of every teacher they work with... "Kids do well when they CAN".

    Maybe boyfriend needs to read The Explosive Child and a few other books...