I feel like there’s no way out.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by B’smom, Aug 21, 2019.

  1. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    since B was kicked out from residential treatment in May, things have gone from ok to horrible. His verbal aggression has gotten to the point where it’s almost hourly, physical aggression is almost daily. We looked into putting him into foster care but they told me they’d charge us with child abandonment if we did. Something I cannot be charged with as I work with children.

    The only thing that’s gotten better is that he’s no longer targeting Little One. He seems safe for now which is good because they said they’d have no problem taking Little One out of the home. Easier for them to place a normal child than one that’s causing all the problems.
    B has been taking all of his anger out of me though. My arms are currently covered in bruises and bite marks. Which I’d rather it be me than Little One.

    J leaves for work every morning, and B is calm. But it’s like as soon as J leaves a switch goes off. The second I tell him no or “soon”, he starts with screaming and telling me to shut the F up. Then he starts with all the other big words. If I’m lucky, he storms to his room where he’ll hide until he’s somewhat calm. But then there’s the times I’m not lucky. I held his door shut after he attacked me and he broke the door frame.

    I’ve considered calling the police when it happens but since he’s under the age of 12, there isn’t much they can do. Part of me refuses to call because I worry what the neighbours will think. I worry that children’s services really will step in and take Little One. LO is currently the only reason I’m keeping it together. Part of me feels so guilty, maybe we should let them take LO, at least he’s probably be safer.

    Two days ago after I told him I couldn’t make him eggs, he had a meltdown and told me he was going to kill me in my sleep. Needless to say, I haven’t been sleeping well.

    The doctors keep telling me not to take things personally, that he doesn’t really mean what he says in the heat of the moment. But when you hear those words over and over again, it beats you down you know.

    I’ve considered talking Little One and the eldest and leaving. Just so we can be safe. But then I’m leaving J behind to deal with it all. J whom I love with all my heart. Our marriage isn’t perfect but I want him in my life. Plus if I leave him, what happens to B during the day? There isn’t a single agency that will help us.
    I’ve also considered leaving with B, so then at least the rest of the family is safe. I imagine I’d end up killing myself though, being locked in an apartment with B all the time and no escape. I’m not done with my life yet, I’m not done living.

    I feel like there’s no way out. That we’ll just have to wait until he’s 12 and start charging him with domestic assault. But I’m not sure if I can take another year of this. I’m not perfect, but I don’t deserve this.

    I think I need to check myself into the hospital, I’m pretty sure I’m having a breakdown. But then children’s services will step in. And J won’t be able to work. How do you put yourself first when you feel like the whole world is upon your shoulders, depending on you. I feel so alone, even J doesn’t really understand, B seems to love him. B blames it all on me, which I know is to be expected since I’m the main caregiver. I just feel so trapped
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Is there the possibility of a medication that will sedate him during the period when you are alone with him? I don't mean so that he sleeps, but so that he is calm(er). There are consultants that come into the home that do behavioral analysis and plans, that train him and you to stop the problematic behavior.

    I don't see how you can sustain this. Since he is acting better with his father, is there the possibility of a role reversal for the two of you that his Dad be the caretaker and you the breadwinner? Or a shift change for his father to be home during the day? I don't know your circumstances...I'm sorry.

    If you are in the US what about trying to get him qualified for Regional Center? They will help with services. Have you thought of surrendering parental rights so that he can receive the kind of care and containment that he seems to require? Parents do this. Something has to be done, so that you not be sacrificed.

    Because I forget his age I don't remember if he's enrolled in school. Once he's school aged, if the problems occur at school, he could qualify for residential treatment paid by the school district.

    How is B with animals?

    I am so sorry this is happening to you and that you have been left to deal with this pretty much alone, and bear the brunt of this.
  3. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    I’ll have to call and ask. Nothing has ever been mentioned before. He’s on a whole slew on medications and been on many others before. Nothing actually seems to help.

    Unfortunately J makes triple what I could ever make working full time. We’ve talked about it but from a financial stand point, we wouldn’t be able to pay all of our bills

    He’s aggressive unfortunately with animals unless he’s completely calm but even then he’s a little psycho. We wouldn’t hate leave him alone with one.

    We’re in Canada so residential treatment is free unless you go privately. We have been to two different ones and both said they couldn’t help. The last one, he was kicked out of due to violence and aggression.

    I think our system works differently in Canada, we tried to put him in foster care so we could sign over our rights- but then we would be legally charge with child abandonment.
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Call a family law lawyer (very specifically THIS kind) and find out your options. A lawyer will keep everything confidential.
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  5. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    There are other residential treatment facilities nearby but they won’t take him because he is all over the map according to his neuropsychologist (iq 81, executive functioning 4y/o, social 2 years old) he recently turned 11. We don’t start school until after labour day weekend in Ontario.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I worked in prisons in mental health. I know there IS medication that will sedate him. It is NOT in HIS interests to be abusing his mother. It is NOT your desire to sedate him. It is your desire that he NOT harm you and that he be calm enough to take direction and to control his impulses. So that you can care for him. I agree with Busy about calling the family law attorney.

    Has he had a neuropsychological evaluation? Has a developmental disorder been ruled out? Is there a history of anything like this in your family or your husband's?

    This is going to sound nutty. I would write a list of his symptoms, very simply. I would enter them in a google search box and I would see what comes up. I have done that routinely. It is amazing what comes up, in terms of diagnoses and treatment and strategies. I have to leave now, but I will try, too.

    I remember you now, B's mom. I wish you would stay with us, and not leave.

    OK. I just googled this. Quickly, this is what I see or remembered:

    There's a book called: The Explosive Child. I forget the author but can look it up later. Ross Greene MD is the author.

    Is there Equine therapy near you? if there is, it should be free. I have read it is tremendously effective with kids like yours. The horses teach them to settle themselves.

    What comes up is to assess for autism spectrum, assess speech and language disorders, including sound disorder, sensory processing disorders.

    It may be that he is acutely reacting to some kind of environmental (or internal) stimuli. The reason he may target you is that his boundaries with you are so permeable and shared. It may also be that he "blames" you because you won't make his distress go away. I would bet that it is this, rather than the fact that he is some "bad" kid.

    But the end result is still the same, regardless of the why. You are the target. This is what's got to stop. Somehow.
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    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  7. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    When reading your thread what resonates with me is that you seem to be carrying the burden of this all by yourself. Do you have any other support system like family, therapist or someone who comes over to give you reprieve from the situation? Never being able to remove yourself from the situation isn't healthy for you.

    I'm sure it's tough with three children but if you don't take care of yourself you'll get sick things and will be even more difficult.
  8. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    This is a current list of diagnoses that’s been given to him in the past year: (we have only been given the diagnosis of depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) , ODD and apraxia twice) this list does not include the ones that the doctors tell me are no longer relevant. The first residential facility was adamant it wasn’t ODD

    Severe expressive and reception language disorder
    Severe depression
    Childhood apraxia of speech
    Sensory-Motor processing disorder
    ADHD combined type
    Developmental coordinator disorder (Dysapraxia in the states)
    Speech sound disorder
    Sensory modulation disorder
    Language processing disorder

    (New ones from neuropsychologist)
    Developmental dysexecutive syndrome
    Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder

    He had a neuropsychologist in April, which was extremely informative. Before he was given a borderline intellectual functioning (iq of 74) but he tested 81 on his report. The doctor said he was probably never performing his best because IQ’s don’t usually jump that much. It’s also where he was given the executive functioning of a 4 year old. I’m told he presents like someone who has an intellectual disability even though he doesn’t have one.
    As far as family history, nothing major: depression and anxiety (me and my mother), I have ADD. I also have a malformation that affects my cerebellum. We had an MRI done to check if he has it but it came back normal. He also had basic genetic testing done (micro duplication on 14q12) but the government refuses to do a more in depth be cause “he’s not severe enough”. So we don’t really know what to do with it. Some studies suggest there’s a sun gene that causes Rhett’s which doesn’t really fit him. And Foxg1 syndrome which also doesn’t fit.

    Usually comes up autism, although the doctors have assured me he doesn’t have it. I personally believe that’s what’s up.

    Dr Ross Greene is amazing. I’ve “read” (audiobooks) most of his work. The first treatment centre was all based and CPS which does not work at all on him (makes him extremely agitated)

    There is a place nearby although it’s private. Which isn’t really an issue. The issue lies with his phobia (although the second last doctor said it’s not a phobia) of bugs and insects. It’s honestly a meltdown over ants, flies and especially bees/hornets (screams, cries and runs away). He wouldn’t get out of the car (we tried to do just private riding sessions).

    Autism man. Or at least PPDNOS.

    This is a complete list of all of the diagnoses he has ever been given. We have seen 8 psychologists/psychiatrist/neuro.

    pediatrician suspected autism at 18 months due to regression)

    Mild intellectual disabilities
    Oppositional defiance disorder
    Obsessive compilation disorder
    Severe expressive and reception language disorder

    Severe depression

    Generalized anxiety disorder with phobias

    Childhood apraxia of speech
    Global developmental disability

    Sensory-Motor processing disorder
    ADHD combined type
    Developmental coordinator disorder
    Speech sound disorder
    Sensory modulation disorder
    Language processing disorder

    Developmental dysexecutive syndrome
    Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder
  9. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    There’s no one to leave him woth. J’s Family lives out of province (12 hours by car). My parents cannot handle him (my mother gives him anything just to avoid conflict- it makes it worse cause he then hates me even more). And my father has a lot of health issues. So we don’t ask. I do have a sibling but she’s expecting. So that’s a safety issue, not that she took him before that anyways.

    We have a respite worker that takes him out occasionally but B often refuses to leave or if he’s being unsafe (hitting etc) it’s not safe to leave either. The children’s respite home in our area refuses to take him due to his violent nature. We have a behavioural specialist we’ve been working with for about 5 years now. He comes in home and helps design behaviour plans. We have tried a lot over the years and nothing seems to work. Some made it worse.
    Unfortunately I don’t have any friends left. Raising B has been extremely isolating. I had my job which gave me respite but I had to take the summer off since there is no where to go. I have been lobbying our MPP (provincial elect in our city- I’m not sure what he would be equivalent to in the states? He goes to parliament and helps pass laws etc). Anyways I’ve been lobbying for day treatment in our city (residential treatment facilities are a min 1 hour outside of our town). Well probably never see it though.
  10. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    obsession compulsive disorder.
  11. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    I know, you’re right I’m sorry.
    I try to pop in when I can, I just don’t know what to say to others. I read more than I reply. I’ll try harder
  12. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I have to apologize for not helping more. I see you are from Canada and I know it must be different there. I am so sorry that you are struggling.
  13. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Please don’t apologize. You have done nothing wrong. I appreciate the reply. I’ll look into it to see what they can advice me.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    There is a famous book here (and movie) called Son Rise. It is by a father whose son was diagnosed as autistic with some of the same characteristics as your son. He has a particular slant on things. He and his wife did interventions with their child. The child was younger though.

    I agree with Jaypee, that you are carrying this all alone. This is what is doing you in. It would do ANYBODY in.
    I am not criticizing you! I don't want you to add one more thing to your burden! My point in asking you to stay with us, is so we can support you. Even sharing the burden, the feelings, helps, in my view, to not be so alone, helps. To share the helplessness.

    There are mothers on this forum who have gone through similar. Did I miss your son's school status? In the United States the school district would be responsible to pay for residential treatment. But you say that B has gone twice and it did not help. Is there a way that he could stay in a residential setting, and not come home? Does not the system see any responsibility to protect your other children, besides pulling them? If so, that is unconscionable.
  15. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm more concerned for you than B at this point. You're in an impossible situation. I would have to get medication for myself and therapy if I were going through this. I hope you will see a doctor because your stress level is too much. I wish you weren't so alone and isolated because that is undoubtedly making things harder. Please stay strong.
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  16. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    I will have to look into that. See what the similarities are between his son and B. I recently read a book called the price of silence by Liza Long. I read it after watching the dangerous sons documentary on Amazon. It really hit home, that’s my life.

    I know you’re not, I’m sorry if you thought I implied that Ill be honest, I really hate being vulnerable. I really hate this entire situation. I’ve always been bad at expressing myself. I hold it in for so long that it feels like it breaks me so much more.
    Instead of a small crack, the whole damn has been blown open. And it feels like there’s just way to much to fix it. I also don’t like to take more than I can give. I could post daily but that’s not fair. There are so many more people here that need it. So I read, comment when I can. I don’t want to be that person that overwhelms everyone else. I don’t know if that makes sense

    Even tonight, he had a meltdown because he didn’t want to eat his vegetables. So he took a picture gram and broke it. He threw it at me. When he tried to throw something else at me, he grabbed my arm and slammed it into the wall. Thankfully he’s 11 and not really that strong. I’m so scared to live in my own home. I wish he was my husband, because it would be so much easier to leave. No one would judge me for it.

    They start school after labour day weekend. He is currently a 2:1 in school. So he has two aids for just him because he’s aggressive. School systems are required to pay for residential treatment. It’s a different section of the government that pays for it. (Don’t ask me which one though )

    It’s the only option they’ve told me will happen. I’m not allowed to leave B alone with LO. Which I wouldn’t either way but sometimes it’s impossible (like having to pee).
  17. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    My doctor did put me on something, I take it twice a day. I can’t for the life of me think of what it’s called. It does take the edge off. As far as therapy goes, our health team offers free counselling, it’s just impossible to get to it because of B.
    I can’t take LO to speech therapy because he freaks it. So LO doesn’t get it extracurricular activities or things to better him because no one will take B. J’s awesome but works a lot. I think he’s also dealing with his own depression over this. So I’ve been trying to pick up the slack around the house since I’m home all day. Thankfully when I’m stressed, I clean
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    That's the point of posting every day. I posted sometimes 30 times a day when I came here!! I did not think twice about it. Nobody had to answer me if they didn't want to. But they did.
    What does it have to do with fairness? The people who post a lot here on other people's threads want to do it. Either they feel they want to pay back what they got, or they feel they grow stronger and wiser by posting, or they feel good doing it...the people who post here want to do it. You are not responsible for equity. It's not about equity.
    Well. You are seeing how that works out. Let me reiterate. Posting here is voluntary. We do it because we want to. Anybody would be overwhelmed by your situation. It's overwhelming. There are no good options. Yet.

    But you bear this alone. We are not in it. Let us hold a little bit of this stress, this powerlessness with you...okay?
    I should be so lucky. Is there anything you can do for you? When you work, you've got that. But what about for fun, or just to relax.
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    Last edited: Aug 22, 2019
  19. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds from what you describe that your situation has been off the rails for some time and there is no end, no hope, in sight at the present time.

    Something has to change soon. You are nearing the end of your rope, I can tell from your posts, and I would be too in a similar situation. You cannot continue to hold your household together with paper clips and Scotch tape.

    I know your husband works but he is leaving you to handle ALL of B’s issues alone. If he is not available to manage B’s behavior, then perhaps it is time to hire someone full time to live in your home and care for this child until he is placed in the institutional setting that it sounds like he requires.

    B cannot function in a family setting, but you know this already and it is disgusting to me that his previous treatment center did not give you information about other facilities better equipped to handle his severe and frankly, profound needs.

    I agree with others who have said an attorney is necessary at this time so that you can give B’s custody over to the authorities and still maintain your parental rights for your other children. I don’t think anybody would judge you for making this choice. Your other kids - and you - matter, just as much as B does.

    I am not a doctor but it does sound to me that B has autism, severe autism, which can include the kind of violent outbursts you describe.

    a child who needs not one but TWO one on one adult aides to follow directions and function in school is not a child who can be safely managed at home with a single parent (not that you are unmarried but that you are the only one who is his hands on parent most of the time from what you describe). Especially with other children to worry about. Believe me, they are suffering too and will continue to suffer until B is placed out of the home.

    keep us posted. hang in there.
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  20. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    I really could quote your entire post. I think I Mat need some help working on my self esteem, my self worth, well my entire self to be honest.
    I’m not sure why it’s so much easier to help others, help them believe they’re worth it all... but when it comes to yourself, it feels nearly impossible.

    I read, a lot. Pretty much anything I can get my hands on.

    We are in the process of applying for Complex Special Needs funding which can give us up to 100,000$ a year for supports but it takes up to a year. We currently get about 3000$ a year for supports but when most workers are paid an average of 25$/hr- it doesn’t go far.
    I know they feel it (the other kids). It breaks my heart and it makes me worry for them. It’s not what I ever wanted for my children. To grow up in fear.