I feel to blame

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jan 13, 2018.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    So, I returned from our break. It was ok. A little tense. Since being home I do not feel ok. I cannot stop crying. I went to GP and got something to help me sleep. She suggested anti-depressents. I tried to explain its a depression which would go if my son was ok. I think she understood. My son went to his new job just the one day. I can see from his emails that the recruitment agency and the new employer are trying to get hold of him but he is spending his days in bed. He has told them he is ill and has a sick note to prove it. There is no way he can get to our GP so I suspect this is a lie. I messaged him and asked how his job was going, he said 'good thanks, a lot to learn' and then said that I heard he was ill. He asked me what I wanted. I said 'nothing', just to see how his job was going. He says, 'jobs fine, I'm fine, everything is fine, have a good day' and that after Christmas a New year he has had enough!! I am blocked on everything. Again. I feel so distraught. Why can he not see that the reason he was not allowed to come for Christmas was because of the credit situation. Then I feel sad and guilty that I actually left him alone. He is alone, rotting in a bed when he should be out and enjoying life. I do not feel I can live with this pain anymore. I read the detachment thing, I try it, it just doesn't work! Today I will make the last payment of the rent until the end of the month as promised. This is because I thought he would have money then from his new job that he hasn't been to!! I know then that he will be homeless in three weeks time and the pain is unbearable. People say things like, "what if, mentally, he cannot go to work', 'what if he is mentally ill', and then my pain is unbearable as I have just abandoned him when he probably needs help. I emailed him yesterday to tell him that if he needed help I would get it and take him but he did not reply. I have no idea how he is eating, if he is eating! It does not make sense that someone in their right mind would risk his house share and good opportunity of his job if he WAS in the right state of mind. Why would he do that? I am terrified of him on the streets and even more terrified he will kill himself. I feel powerless and to blame. He is meant to be in court on Monday for driving offences but I know he wont go. I have just been writing to the court to ask them to sentence him to mental health help but I have no idea whether to send it. I feel responsible for pushing him over the edge by leaving him alone for Christmas. Who does that???!! what kind of mother?! I did! and it sucks!! :(
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is using drugs that is why he is making these choices. Nothing matters but the drug.

    Nobody can diagnose anyone on drugs and be accurate. When my daughter used drugs she got a bipolar diagnosis. She has been clean 12 years and does not have mental illness.

    Drug addicts care less about warmth and comfort than the drugs. Most drug addicts don't eat much even if we let them stay home. There are many resources to get food on the streets. And shelter. Your son has had many chances but his drug use matters more to him. He is not thinking like you. This is because he is an addict. The drugs change the brain.

    You have given him the Moon and he throws it away. You can't make him stop using. That normally happens if it happens, when things are tough enough. After we back off.

    Even if you put up with everything at home, he could still kill himself. Anyone can. I have four kids and all have known peers who commit suicide. They were mostly not addicts and they did it and we're found at home. We all wish we could stop this but we can't. The odds are low that he will do this. Your son is choosing to stay alone in bed. He doesn't have to do this either.

    This is not your fault in any way and he is too old for you to make him well. An addict needs to want to get better in order to get better.

    One Christmas my daughter was in a hospital hours away on Christmas due to the cops putting her there. We had two littles and a young foster child and did not visit on Christmas partly due to distance and partly because the young ones had a right to a normal Christmas, not hours in a car driving back and forth and then bring to young to even see their sister...so waiting in the lobby. She was upset but she got over it. So you are not the only mother who did not see a child on Christmas. And mine too was involved in drugs.

    Your son knows very well why he wasn't included on Christmas. He is just trying to make you feel bad.

    Love and hugs and maybe explore therapy for you?
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    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
  3. LIS - Please don’t blame yourself. Being alone at Christmas wouldn’t push him over the edge, it might have been unpleasant for him but it isn’t the end of the world and it’s over now.

    I too struggle with detachment and my biggest fear is my son becoming homeless hence why I paid for hotels when he was (and he still managed to abuse that by running up a big bar bill). He has just got a flat and I spend hours worrying if he will end up losing it. I wish my mind would switch off at times.

    If your son does lose his job, will he qualify for housing benefit? I too can’t understand why they would risk a job and housing - I think drugs play a huge part in this - how they affect their way of thinking and I also think immaturity does too and the knowledge that they have their parents who will be their safety net and not allow them to fall too far.

    My son plays on his diagnosis of ADHD and mild autism as his excuse for everything he has done. His other favourite thing is to blame me - he can warp anything round to it being my fault - even when he loses things it’s because I wound him up too much so he couldn’t think straight.

    Try to do things you enjoy - have a night out and promise yourself you will not think about him for one night - you need a break. That’s what I intend to do tonight. I rarely go out but tonight, I will block him from my phone and try to put thoughts of him out of my mind.
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  4. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    SWOT think you for replying. Everything feels weird, I cannot seem to shake this gloomy feeling. I feel obsessed by it. Can smoking weed really do this to someone? Ruin their whole life!? He has spent hundreds of pounds on what? I feel tormented by what a couple of his exes said to me once, they had ganged up on him about something and I politely asked them to leave him alone, and one said "its your fault anyway, he wouldn't be mental if you hadn't of thrown him out, he was fine before that"! i was so hurt and felt I needed to explain that if he hadn't of smoked weed and behaved so badly then we wouldn't have thrown him out. I now cannot get that out of my head, its as if I am considering it could be different if I had allowed him to stay at home. I am just so sad. :(

    GuidanceSeeker, I am so pleased to hear about your son, I did think about you yesterday as I remembered it was Friday he got to move in. I did read about the bar bill too. Sorry. Been there too. My son did claim benefits for a bit but never bothered to go to the sign ons so it got stopped. I have told him that if he doesn't intend to work he will need to sign on and claim housing benefit as I am not going to keep paying his rent. Months ago he said he would never sign on again but he was working then and things looked on the up. We are now back to square one although this time there is no council to fall back on and house him in a hostel because he ran up £1400 rent arrears in the last one as he refused to pay for a sh*t hole as he put it! His view was he was the only one working there whilst the others dosed around smoking weed and he had to pay 75 percent of his wages in rent whilst they got it for free. He felt that it was not helping people better themselves so he stopped paying. I kind of agreed but told him just do it to get on the next step. In the end I found this house share.There will be nothing this time. He just does not seem to get it. He just does what he wants. I have messaged him to say this is the final two weeks. No reply. I feel like a prisoner in my own head. Thank you for being there. xx
  5. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Just received email from son. He has been asked to leave his house share by 4pm tomorrow. I feel sick.
    I want to help him but I know I must not as he will not learn. Is this right? I can't take much more!! :( :( :(
  6. LIS - I think if you had not put him out, things would be worse now. Living at home with the family can make them behave worse rather than better. I kept my son at home for almost 4 years and put up with terrible behaviour from him. I ended up sleeping in staff accommodation where I work (making an excuse to others that my house was being decorated) and I stayed at my brothers. All because I was afraid to go home and face the ongoing debts and demands for money. He would start by asking nicely, saying he wanted to get his life on track but just needed the dealers (his friends) off his back, then he would get all tearful and scared and finally (after many hours) would smash things in my house. My husband wanted to put him out at least 2 years before I did, I was the weaker one by far. He regularly stole from us too. In hindsight, I would have put him out earlier. My daughter (who is lovely) told me one day that she was thinking of moving to her boyfriends family home because she couldn’t take anymore coming home to her room untidy where he had searched for valuables.

    Your son’s ex has no idea what she is talking about. I remember a few years ago, talking to a woman who was having problems with a teen and she said that she didn’t feel so bad because she put him out in the summer. At the time, I really thought I could never put a child of mine out yet fast forward a few years and I have done just that. My son was a great kid, caring and kind but cannabis changed him completely, he does use other drugs but cannabis is the drug of daily choice.

    My son is often telling me about people who think I am terrible for putting him out and yes, it stays with me and I feel huge guilt but I know how much I tried. I know in the end there was no option but to put him out.

    Our sons may never improve but their lives are their choice no matter what they say. I really believe the most we can do is stop them ruining our lives too. Now I have found that’s easier said than done, the anxiety can be overwhelming and I’m always thinking of solutions to HIS problems and I slip back into enabling but I have come a long long way.

    I’m going to get ready soon and will not allow myself to think about him tonight (I will really do my best), tomorrow will bring what it will bring, I’m determined not to let my overworrying mind spoil tonight. I really hope you find peace tonight too and do something you enjoy yourself. Concentrate on what’s happening in the present and make it something nice.

    Hugs from England
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  7. Just saw your last message, the thread hadn’t updated.

    All the advice I hear is to leave them to sort it out themselves.

    The first night my son was put out on Jan 2nd, I didn’t help. He survived - he said he slept in a boiler room. He texted me for hours begging, the following 2 nights he sold things and slept in b and b’s he organised. For the last 4 nights, I caved in and paid for the hotel where he ran up the bar bill. It’s so hard, I really know how you’re feeling. When I made him fend for himself, he was the nicest and most respectful he had been for ages, then once we helped again, he has had a few blow ups at me. I think the temperature isn’t too bad tomorrow night 6 degrees here if that helps your decision. Maybe if he has to face the consequences, he will think twice about losing accommodation again.

    I’ll be thinking about you. Keep me updated
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    First don’t think that the depression you are feeling is not worth considering treatment for. It may have been caused my the situation at hand. That does not mean it has not extended to a true clinical depression. Our minds and hearts can only take so much. I went on an antidepressant in be spring. Best decision I ever made. I was in a deep dark hole and could truly see no way out. I am able to cope so much better with the depression lifted.

    Remember you did not cause this. If your son is enabled and does not experience the consequences of his own actions. Ask yourself will things ever change nothing changes if nothing changes.

    We all do what our hearts can bear. Detachment is fluid. My son is home and I am not please with his lack of respect and behaviour. I can honestly tell you if Rehab wasn’t in the cards he would not be in my home. I have found strength in putting my self first, managing my stress and my depression and posting here.

    Do try to get yourself some care and help. You are worth it.

    Your son is making his own decisions as is mine. I can’t imagine how or why my son thinks his life is ok. It’s not by a long shot.

    Your sons friends and Xa have no right to make judgement calls on your behaviour. Cop mom tired this with me when my son was in jail and we were orchestrating an intervention with the courts and my sons lawyer. She told ya he had been beaten and I went off the deep end. A family friend went in to jail to assess the situation and son was 100% fine no signs of being beaten. Pardon me but what an interfering :censored2:! It took so much strength to get through this period without caving and rescuing our son. It paid off and he will be gong to a long term rehab Shortly.
    What kind of a parent has their child charged and put in jail, or leaves them to their own life for the holidays? Wise intelligent parents who know that enabling will only have our children keep on keeping on.

    Yes pot can be debilitating for some no different than alcohol can be. My son does not do well smoking pot ergo 18% average at school second attempt for high school graduation.

    Be kind breath and don’t let your brain get too ahead of today. Being in your own head too much can indeed be deleterious to our own health and sanity.
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    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
  9. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I'm very sorry others joined in your son's blame. I haven't been confronted directly, but I know well what my son's ever-changing group of peers, girlfriends and enabling adults must think. After all, they've been listening to my son's "greatest hits" as my H calls them, on repeat.

    It pains me to think about you second guessing yourself and internalizing the blame. I've gone through that myself, I think we all have, and it feels awful.

    Sooner or later, many of us arrived at the realization that detachment was required, to give our adult children a chance to do something differently (whether they took it up or not,) and to save our hearts, and sometimes our finances and health, from irreparable harm.

    But I think we have to arrive at that realization, and make the hard decisions, at a pace we are comfortable with. It helps to come on the board to find strength and perspective and support, but at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with whatever steps you take. They shouldn't be motivated by cheerleading, or anger, fear or a broken heart, but by what your son's situation requires. And of course, none of us can see the future, so it's just our best guess, like it's always been with every parent and child through the ages.

    That said, you came on to the boards for a reason. Maybe it would be helpful to inventory 2017, like a couple other posters have done, to remind yourself why.

    It absolutely goes against a parents instinct to let their kid be homeless, or to let them spend Christmas alone, so the second guessing is very understandable.

    But there's a reason that you did. Many, many horrible reasons. He doesn't tell his comrades about them because he needs to be emotionally enabled.

    This isn't about you. We all know that. Even your son knows it.
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    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    That is the perfect description of our Difficult Child social situation Sam. Ever changing is right.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I feel there is more than weed going on. If it's just a variety of weed, it is maybe one of the dangerous legal but worse kind.

    Having said that both weed and alcohol, if you are not able to take them normally, can make one act pretty strange. Pot is not the same for everyone and if your son drinks he could be an alcoholic.

    You also don't know everything your son uses. When my daughter quit she told me that her main drugs of choice had been meth and cocaine. I was truly shocked. I thought it had mostly been weed. We all do, unless they are caught which many never are.

    Your son is not in a psychotic state. He understands right from wrong.

    Even if he had a more common,milder mental illnes, like anxiety and depression, there is good treatment for them and he needs to decide to get the help and follow through. These two diagnoses are very common.

    I have both. Badly. Not everyone with them uses weed or any drug and most of us have no desire to be mean to others, steal, lie, abuse our parents or refuse to work. Most DO work.
    I love the Serenity prayer. Even if you don't believe in God then just take Good out of this prayer and talk to your higher, saner self. I wore a necklace with this on it.

    God give me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    The Courage to change the things I can, a
    And the Wisdom to k ow the difference.

    Find peace today. You deserve it.
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    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
  12. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    GuidanceSeeker, LBL, SWOT, Sam3
    Thank you all for your kind kind words of support. You have no idea how much it helps, but then again I guess you do. I think the guilt I feel is the worst, the feeling that I am obligated as his mum to continue to help him. Sometimes, it is my anger that drives decisions and some days are easier than others. I always feel the pain the most as the evening approaches. It feels lonely. Its like I know what I should be doing but the fear of something happening to him and me having to live with the guilt forever is just so overwhelming. Thats the general feeling. Overwhelmed.

    So, update is...of course he rang me on Saturday, all friendly. I kept calm and we chatted quite nicely. He told me that the landlord says he needs to get out as he always had the heating on and his girlfriend was staying too much. I advised him websites to go on to look for somewhere else. Also advised him to return to work on Monday (today). He denied having only been to his job for one day but I know the truth. Went out Saturday evening with friends and had a lovely evening. Yesterday afternoon he rang me as I had sent him details of another house share. Of course he wanted the money for it and I said 'no'. Got into argument where he was horrible, accusing me of all sorts. I did call his girlfriend a "lazy b*tch" in anger and in part, blamed her for him losing his place. He called my husband a "fat c*nt". I hung up. Loads of mean texts followed about how he would never forgive me for "leaving him in the dark", not having him at Christmas, how I am fake, live in the past, make my daughter do things she doesn't want blah blah. I ignored. An hour later, i get 'I love you". Just plain weird.
    This morning started with, "so, whats the fu*king plan". I said "the plan is whatever you have sorted", He got angry, demanding money and reminding me that he cannot do anything with out it. I asked whether he had gone to work - already knew the answer. I sent him homeless accommodation info and he said that wasn't an option. I said "well, the fat c*nt, isn't willing to part with anymore money" and then the begging started. I ignored but reminded him that he had money for drugs, perfume and Pandora jewelry for his girlfriend and that I had advised him to pay his rent first. Not heard anything more. Can see online that the girlfriend has now applied for a loan and he is now guarantor!! Our phone keeps ringing with credit companies. I texted landlord to check he had left so we could pick up our things and she said she had given him a couple more days and would take the money out of our deposit. God knows what will happen then but it turns out he has had parties in the house all weekend and the house stinks of weed etc.
    And so it continues.....as usual, I feel a mixture of emotions, to love someone you do not like is hard, mixed with the reality that I do not have any relationship with my son and cannot imagine that ever changing hurts my heart. I am determined to stick this out and can only pray it forces him to change, not over the edge! Hugs everyone. xx
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  13. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    With only loving and supportive intent, I want to share this opinion

    Resignation rather than desperation seems to be the safer sentiment. And a safer goal seems to be to regain the ability to respond sanely to protect our values and wellbeing and to keep from being a party to their self defeating behavior.

    Otherwise we are still trying to control the outcome of something we have no control over. Which may turn around or go very badly, for reasons we have nothing to do with, except that it is unlikely to turn around if we continue to enable it.

    Enabling can be emotional as well. Even continuing in the chaotic efforts to make them understand can give the impression that the debate in itself is normal. It’s not. Healthy people don’t need to be convinced about what healthy and unhealthy decisions are.
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
  14. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I understand. I do try to control, I know this. I feel I am just trying to prevent mistakes that cannot have a good outcome rather than allowing him to learn from mistakes. Only tonight I have answered the phone to a loan company asking for his girlfriend and I ended up telling the lady on the phone what the two of them are up to. My husband asked me why I did this and then said "how will he get a new place with no money, you should have just said she had the wrong number". My reason was to prevent more loans being taken out that they cannot afford. Now I'm sitting here feeling horrible that if he is refused this loan and has no where to go it will be my fault!! Feeling sadder than ever now!
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    Your son and his girlfriend are the ones who don’t work, spend their money on things they don’t need while having no money left for necessities, then expecting others to give them money to live on.

    This is not your fault. Try to stop feeling guilty.

    If they have to go to a shelter for a while, they may learn that they need to take care of themselves and not expect others to do everything for them.

    I might consider turning off the phone for a while, and staying off any social media pertaining to your son and his girlfriend.

    Let them figure it out.

    The sooner they learn that you won’t rescue them anymore, the better off everyone will be.
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  16. LIS - Well done for not giving in and giving him money, I know how difficult that will have been but I really believe you made the right decision.

    You describe feeling overwhelmed, that’s exactly how I felt when my son was homeless a week or two ago. It’s as if my mind went haywire with anxious thoughts.

    None of this is any of your fault whatsoever. Don’t listen to any of the blame he throws your way, he’s trying anything to make you give in. He sounds so much like my son, it could be him you’re talking about.

    I thought about you at 4pm yesterday and wondered what had happened - at least they’ve gave him a few more days to find a place.

    I hope you can find some peace to relax and try to put his problems out of your mind.
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    So difficult but you are doing amazingly well under this tyrade of pressure from your son.

    I have done very similar things that you did with the loans call. Tough but in the long run better for them.

    Nothing changes if nothing changes.

    Man do I resonate with you there. I am in the very same place. What a razors edge we walk.

    Stay strong and again well done for you.
  18. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Applecori, guidance seeker, LBL. Thanks guys for your support. It is very very difficult and I know you have all been there. I know no-one with these problems that are not in cyber-world. Its just not fair.

    Not heard a thing from him since yesterday morning. Lady with house messaged and I told her I thought he was in process of getting deposit. I can see on his emails that all of yesterday and today were unopened. There is one this morning from his new employer which he opened around 4pm today (so in bed all day).

    I did text him and asked him if he could let the lady with the house know what he was doing. He told me he couldn't do anything with no money. He asked why I wouldn't help him as he now has no home and no job. I explained my reasons. He then said "I just want to kill myself mum, it's time". I tried to respond with helpful suggestions but he has not replied to anything.

    Worried beyond belief! :( :(
  19. LIS - I really feel for you, my son has threatened suicide quite a few times when he hasn’t been able to get what he wants from me. He has had me worried sick and on one occasion I contacted the police. Every time though, it was just to manipulate me but I know that doesn’t make it any easier for you as it’s a different situation. You could ring the police to do a welfare check if you think he is serious.

    I knew nobody having these problems either and told nobody for the first 2 years as I was so embarrassed and felt I would be judged. Since then, I have become more open with people about how things are and I have been surprised by the number of people who have had someone like my son in their family. I think it’s often well hidden and we don’t know about other people’s lives.
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  20. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thanks GS!
    Thanks for being there for me...I think you are right, the world is full of ‘kids’ like ours. I go through phases of telling people the truth about him or being defensive about him. He may be a pain in the Butt but he’s still my ‘boy’.
    On to another day eh? Hugs xx