So, I returned from our break. It was ok. A little tense. Since being home I do not feel ok. I cannot stop crying. I went to GP and got something to help me sleep. She suggested anti-depressents. I tried to explain its a depression which would go if my son was ok. I think she understood. My son went to his new job just the one day. I can see from his emails that the recruitment agency and the new employer are trying to get hold of him but he is spending his days in bed. He has told them he is ill and has a sick note to prove it. There is no way he can get to our GP so I suspect this is a lie. I messaged him and asked how his job was going, he said 'good thanks, a lot to learn' and then said that I heard he was ill. He asked me what I wanted. I said 'nothing', just to see how his job was going. He says, 'jobs fine, I'm fine, everything is fine, have a good day' and that after Christmas a New year he has had enough!! I am blocked on everything. Again. I feel so distraught. Why can he not see that the reason he was not allowed to come for Christmas was because of the credit situation. Then I feel sad and guilty that I actually left him alone. He is alone, rotting in a bed when he should be out and enjoying life. I do not feel I can live with this pain anymore. I read the detachment thing, I try it, it just doesn't work! Today I will make the last payment of the rent until the end of the month as promised. This is because I thought he would have money then from his new job that he hasn't been to!! I know then that he will be homeless in three weeks time and the pain is unbearable. People say things like, "what if, mentally, he cannot go to work', 'what if he is mentally ill', and then my pain is unbearable as I have just abandoned him when he probably needs help. I emailed him yesterday to tell him that if he needed help I would get it and take him but he did not reply. I have no idea how he is eating, if he is eating! It does not make sense that someone in their right mind would risk his house share and good opportunity of his job if he WAS in the right state of mind. Why would he do that? I am terrified of him on the streets and even more terrified he will kill himself. I feel powerless and to blame. He is meant to be in court on Monday for driving offences but I know he wont go. I have just been writing to the court to ask them to sentence him to mental health help but I have no idea whether to send it. I feel responsible for pushing him over the edge by leaving him alone for Christmas. Who does that???!! what kind of mother?! I did! and it sucks!!