I get sick on roller coasters!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by exhausted, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I am just not a drama person. I like a simple rather quiet life. It just never ends around here-up and down! difficult child just isn't alive unless there is drama.
    She has attended 3 after care sessions at her first Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She says she wants to graduate from the program through after care yet, she has not called her counselor back (he is hard to get-but ...) to make arrangements. I know she is not being honest-she is not telling them she is smoking pot at least 2X a week for what I can tell-and she is pretty wasted when she does. She comes home and eats and eats (she has gained so much weight) and she then sleeps.

    She quit her job last Tuesday. Said she had a feeling they were going to fire her anyway. She said she wanted to go to school. In Feb? What college is going to take her? She is going to have to wait for the scholarship she has to kick in this fall because I am not paying for her to go to school. She doesn't follow through with anything. How will she finish school work?

    She got her paycheck on Friday and went to the Alt. school to put in her papers to walk at graduation (they let the school age kids who get GED walk). We made her give us $100.00 bucks to hold. She had about $90.00. Gone in one day! On what? she even had the nerve to as for $25.00 so she can have her nails done on a Sunday. When you don't have a job, owe your parents money, you sure as he// dont get your nails done.

    When we tell her no she continues to try to control things. She doesn't scream but raises her voice and goes on and on, we all walk away and don't respond. She was told right away she would have to pick up more chores around the house since she wasn't working. She has not done one thing since loading the dishwasher on Wed. I won't nag and beg. It is going to be a lot of "no" going on. You want to go somewhere and have a ride? NO! You want me to make something for dinner? NO!

    No effort to find a new job either. No common sense. What the heck is the pay off for her? She has horrible relationships with us and many of her friends and she has no drivers lisence, no car, no job, no past times. So much wasted potential! I know better than to care this much, but I still have hope. Maybe I need brain surgery!
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I could have written your post exhausted. My difficult child did the same thing, smoked pot during her outpatient program and then couldn't understand why she got kicked out, spent her entire pay in a matter of a couple days, probably on pot and alcohol, expected me to give her money for her nails, getting fired from job, the whole bit.

    I hate roller coasters too. I want my life to be predictable and boring. And my husband just said the same thing you did, our difficult child has to always have drama around her.

    I'm sorry you are on the same roller coaster. We are getting dizzy and want to get off.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    geez, sorry. I've never even had my nails done... pretty low on the money totem pole. Not the point I know but it just struck me when you said that, I know many of you have said how entitled they act. Well, zip up the armor for the responses to your wave of 'NO's". You can do this.
  4. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Exhausted, I have wondered a lot about the payoff for them. The only theory I have is:

    no responsibility = no one can blame them, i.e, "not my fault" (using their logic)
    controlling anyone and/or anything they can (even if it hurts them)
    getting criticized (weird but I think they want someone to yell at them because then they can feel superior and justified in their anger)

    As for difficult child and employment, I learned this weekend that there was a 12 step group for underearners. Huh? Personally, I don't get that. If you don't have a job, you don't need a 12 step group to solve that, you need an interview. If you have an MBA and you are asking, "Do you wants fries with that?" then you might be selling yourself short.

    If anyone is offended, I'm sorry - please explain it to me because I don't get it.
  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Buddy, armor is right. I will do it.

    And AG-a 12 step for underearners? Really? I would be happy with a job where she could ask, "Fries with that?" She's 17 and that is what they get. Jobs with minimum wage, ignorant and rude bosses and so on. She just can't take any critism-it seems to send her to the ground.

    I guess negative attention is better than no attention. Some of them just need so much and it's impossible to"fill their vessel".

    Nancy, our girls have the same tragectory. I just don't know what would be the most effective way to help/parent them? I have tried so many things. So have you. I actually think that the mental illnesses they suffer impede their recovery. Mine is not getting any treatment for that right now. She finished EMDR and refuses to get counseling or take medications. I think her brain is not right-double that with the fact that she is 17.
  6. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I hear ya exhausted. When mine got on his antidepressants over the holidays, he was great for a few days.

    I'm thinking the criticism part is a big key to all of this. <getting on soapbox>

    All that, "Well everyone who participates gets a trophy" stuff is toxic. At difficult child's high school, every girl in the pageant gets a tiara. The winner? She gets a crown. <eyeroll>

    Teachers are more afraid to challenge students because the parents (maybe with an attorney) will show up. difficult child's 10th grade math teacher passed him when he shouldn't have. Oh yeah, he made difficult child come on makeup day and hang around for 'extra credit'. (I wanted to go to school and say "FAIL HIM FOR G-D'S SAKE!!!") And 11th and 12th grade math classes were impossible because he didn't know the foundation. Maybe that's why he is taking remedial math in college for the third time?

    I dunno....sometimes I think the system is also to blame. <getting off soapbox>
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Well it sure doesn't help AG. Self-esteem comes from within. It sure isn't something we create by giving them rewards they don't earn. The whole philosophy of not competing and not giving rewards is bunk. This is a constant issue at the school where I teach. Our society works on these premise-we cannot turn that around. Our kids have to be ready to compete-fail-and pick themselves up. The entitlement is our fault too. I did not want to be like my hardnosed parents. I did not want my kids to struggle the way I did to get through college. What do I have? Two smart capable kids who may never go to college! While I tried to give consequences and support any given by the schools-I still made life too easy apparently.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Exhausted I really am beginning to think that the addicts who get sober and are successful in recovery are those who are fine until they start using, in other words they don't have mental illness or dysfunction before the addiction. I think I was too optimistic that difficult child could even be anyone other than who she is. We had many problems before the drinking/drugs and stopping that does not change that.

  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I get sick on RL rollercoasters and absolutely on the emotional one we are all on....My son is as you describe and that is how he was when he was 17 and at home!!! So frustrating as a parent.... and as a parent it is so so different to watch a healthy 16 year old who is motivated. I am the same mother, and yet it is a totally different parenting experience. Yeah still a little entitlement, doesn't always do her dishes etc.... but driven in school, motivated. So I really don't think we should put all the blame on ourselves!!

    As far as a 12 step program for underearners... not sure I see the connection to the issues of addiction but I do think there is a lot of value in the 12 step program, in forgiving yourself, recognizing your mistakes and making amends and moving on.... so I could see it still being helpful.

    And yeah Nancy I keep hoping somehow for a complete recovery from not only substance abuse but gfgdom and that is totally unrealistic I think. My difficult child had issues before he started using... but he also was really young when he started so that normal maturity that might have helped with his issues has not happened yet either .