I know I just posted about PTSD.....but

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I really still don't know what to do.
    I am now having auditory hallucinations, specifically phones ringing, that are not there, as well as some other stuff.
    I can't breathe every time something stressful happens.
    What the freak am I supposed to do?
    I have upped my therapy to twice a week, but I just can't live like this anymore.
    I think most of it stems around Matt's roller coaster in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and his life in general - the anniversary of H's death - and the crazy making work environment.
    But when I wake up out of bed, cold, dead, awake, because I believe the phone is ringing - and I run to answer it, and it never rang............
    Or I go to answer my phone, and it never rang because it was only the music on the radio........
    Or I hear someone call my name, and there is no one there.........
    Then I know something is really, really wrong.

    What do I do? I have medications. I have therapy, and yet I am on the brink. I guess maybe I do not understand enough about what PTSD really is? I know it can produce all the things I am feeling or experiencing, I just do not know how to stop it.
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    Perhaps you should call your prescribing physician to see if you can have an add-on, or to rule out a medication reaction?
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thanks for the link Jen. That is me, times 10. It really hi-lites the fact that not being in helpless situations, like my current job, make things better.

    TM, I guess I need to call my Dr, because I am not sure Xanax is really helping long term. It could be making it worse.

    The sad thing is that I have been dealing with this since I was 6. And every year there seems to be one more thing added to this PTSD list - and now I am just not sure there is even hope. Each and every symptom gets progressively worse as I make or experience unhealthy experiences. I totally see myself as dying when I am 45 hopeless and destitute as the link Jen sent talks about.

    I am so freaking scared. My screen name is a contradiction.

    However, seriously. Who am I to whine? There are so many others in worse situations. I just need to learn to blow it off, and be grateful.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This might be a stupid question, but are you seeing a therapist who specializes in grief and ptsd? They can be hard to find sometimes so I just wanted to make sure you haven't "settled" for a therapist who might not be able to help you with your specific concerns.

    As always- hang in there- I know you will but that's just my way of letting you know that I'm holding onto the rope with you!!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely....I wont tell you to hang on...I have ptsd too. I take one of the benzos too. I feel like the world is closing in on me most of the time. I really cant put it all down on paper because I am scared to.Make sense?
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Aw, Janet and Steely
    My heart and thoughts are with the both of you.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If you're lying in the street, dying of starvation, you're probably not in a position to be thankful for having at least had food to get you thru the last 40 years.

    Hopefully you can get to a place where you can be grateful for what you have, but right now, don't let that goal be something else to drag you down. You are down, and it IS bad. You have every right to feel like you do. I have faith that you will learn to eventually blow it off, but right now, dont' put yourself down cause you can't.

    Hugs, Steel. You are stronger than you think.
  9. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Did you ever try any of the tricyclics? I take an oldie but a goodie, Desipramine, and it really, really helps my anxiety and got me out of the hole I was in depression-wise. I know I had some form of PTSD from difficult child 1's birth, and husband's mental health issues combined with having two young difficult child's and a newborn was really, really badly affecting our marriage and my life to the point that I was hallucinating and bordering on suicidal.
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2009
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    gvc, I have tried a tricyclic many moons ago - I guess I am not sure if it worked or not - it was so long ago. I am very hesitant about medications, because of the episode when I was 16, where I was suicidal, and my parents put me in a lock down psychiatric ward for 6 months. That place has forever haunted me for many, many reasons - one of which was then giving me more medications than an elephant. Haldol, Stellazine, Melaril - hard core medications for a kiddo that was just suicidal.

    Janet........Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. Too scared to even write about it. I am so sorry you as well are going through this. It really, really stinks.

    I talked to my counselor today, and she suggested the possibility of going away for a month to get intensive trauma counseling in this program that NM offers. I don't know if I can afford it - but it does seem intriguing. I have not successfully processed the last year of trauma; my dad's illness, H's death, or difficult child leaving (not to mention about a zillion other things before this past year) - and that wad of trauma just keeps getting buried deeper and deeper - as I try to survive.

    I don't know. I need something. I do feel as if I am coming to an intersection in life that will augment my destiny forever. I can feel it coming.
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It's worth a call to the program to see if they have an financial aid. And even if they don't, maybe they can tell you someplace else that could help and is within your means...