I made husband cry last night

[mstang67chic]

I kind of knew it would happen but I still felt a little guilty.

I've been trying to figure out something to do for him that would be a kind of keepsake or remembrance for his mother and I finally thought of something. There's a website (more than one I think...but this is one I've used before) that you can "buy" a star and name it whatever you want. I bought one and named it mother in law as a memorial. It came in the mail yesterday and when husband opened it and realized what it was, the tears just rolled. I felt bad for making him cry but I know he liked it too.

Now if I could just get him to stop "trying not to think about it", I think he would feel a lot better.

 

[gcvmom]

Men process grief a lot differently than we do, I think. But you are right that if he'd stop trying to "stuff" his feelings, stop trying to avoid them, and just let it all out so that he can experience the pain and sadness, it will be a lot easier to move on past it. They are just feelings, and they will pass, as uncomfortable as they may be, they WILL pass. But he has to give them a chance to escape!

 

[Shari]

That was awesome! What a thoughtful gift.

 

[Hound dog]

Stang that was soooooo very sweet. husband is not doing too bad I suppose, considering. Although the guilt from not going to visit his mother even once unless I came with him (which was rare thanks to school) is really getting to him. I know it was really difficult for him to visit her there......but yeah. Her graveside service is next tues.

He did at least cry though. And he was there for her when it came down to the wire and I didn't want her to be alone and afraid. But yeah, guys deal with grief differently. They tend to stuff. Of course who am I to talk.......I do too. lol

I'd been doing pretty well with mother in law's death until tonite when it really hit me that I wasn't going to be able to go to her and tell her that I graduated. I know that she knows, but you know what I mean. It will continue to hit me at odd moments like that until I finally process it. been there done that too many times already.

(((hugs)) to your husband and you too.

 

[KTMom91]

What a great idea!

 

[totoro]

That is sweet and a great idea

 

[Marguerite]

One more thing you can do to help him process this - get a photo frame, get a lovely photo of her and put in it, then embellish the frame scrapbook style with starry images. Maybe find a way to represent that star certificate in there with her photo. But if you have a photo of her happy, healthy, enjoying life, it will be a good way for husband to remember her.

Marg

 

[DammitJanet]

I do think men do this grieving thing so different too. I find it very weird that Tony lost both his mom and dad fairly young...mom at age 15 and dad at age 24...and he really never talks about it or seems upset about it. His moms grave is right down the road from us and he doesnt go visit it or take flowers or anything. Or to his grandmother. I know he is worried about how I am going to react when my dad dies but he wasnt expecting me to be upset when my mom died so he was a bit taken aback. I dont know. Maybe he is strange. I know people told me he was very upset when he thought I was gonna die but now he acts like he wasnt...I just dont know. Its almost like he thinks he shouldnt feel that way.

 

[mstang67chic]

Its almost like he thinks he shouldnt feel that way.

BINGO!!! husband has said more than once that he "should be over this by now". Ummm...noooo....it's only been since the end of February and she was your MOTHER. husband has been, I think, the one who was the closest to their mom out of the 4 of them. When his folks divorced and mother in law moved back home to Kentucky, husband was the only one who went with her and he did this to keep help take care of her. (Her schizophrenia had been present for some time by then). After she moved back up here in the last 11 or 12 years, husband was the main one who made sure she took her medications, took her to the doctor, did her grocery shopping, etc. He's always taken care of her and he's not going to be "over it" in a few months. I just wish I could get him to understand that.

As for the star....I'm looking into how I would go about getting an actual photo of that particular star.

 

[TerryJ2]

Awesome. I love that idea. Good for you. And good that he is processing his feelings.