I think difficult child is in jail

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, May 17, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    It's almost 7 am here on the East coast. I just woke up and looked at my phone. There was a missed call at 4:37 am from a weird 800 number. I looked it up and it's from the jail in the county where difficult child lives. Therefore I'm pretty sure he must be in jail. I looked at his Facebook page (he blocked me so I do it through easy child's page) and there were all kinds of posts at 2 am about him wanting to die etc. Typical especially since he's off his medications. I also know he's been stealing from people out there so he must have finally gotten arrested. It's horrible to say but if he is in jail that's probably the best place for him right now.

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  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I just looked it up on vinelink. I forgot about that site. Yes - he's in custody. I don't know for what though. As much as I knew this was coming it still stings. No mother wants her child on jail and I know some of us on this board are dealing with that right now.

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  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    That is so true - no mother wants her child in jail. It is truly heartbreaking for all involved. Hang in there, lots of hugs going out to you.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    JKF----I am sorry and you are right no mother wants this. It sounds like his behavior has been out of control for a long time. One thing I have come to realize is that the options are very few when this is the case. My son has been the same. And when you pare it down to the simple few options....rehab and a new attitude being at the top of course, then jail is right behind that one and the other options are homelessness and worse.

    I have come to understand that if adults want no rules and no responsibility, this cannot be tolerated in a just society.

    That is my son right now too.

    Today your son is safe from himself and from the unmonitored actions of others. My son has been In jail some eight or nine times and he seems to be okay there.

    Today when he is there---like right now---I am relieved and can relax.

    Having said all of the above I remember feeling like you are feeling. This is out of your hands for now JKF. He will likely be asking you for help so start thinking about what you will and will not do now. Write it down. You can still change your mind at any time as that is your prerogative as an adult.

    Hugs and prayers for you all especially you and difficult child.

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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry JKF. It's always a blow to us to hear that news. In the jail that my daughter is in there is a mental health person you can call if you feel that your son will benefit from being on medications while he is there. That's your call. You may want to stay out of it completely, or you may decide to be of limited assistance. As COM says, you may want to get prepared for the phone call, I think they get one free call and then he will likely ask you to put money on his account which avails them to toothpaste, shampoo, a calling card, special food, etc. You can do all of that online if you choose to help at all. Often it helps us parents to know that they are someplace relatively safe as opposed to being "out there" continuing to make the same bad choices.

    Sending you good thoughts, a prayer for you and difficult child and hugs...........
  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the support.

    I have mixed emotions. I'm sad for him but also relieved that he's safe, sheltered and has food. I remember being so excited while pregnant with him and imagining all of the wonderful things he would do with his life. Never in a million years did I imagine this. How sad.

    I think I'll call Monday and ask if they have a mental health coordinator there. It seems like this is the best opportunity (other than the hospital) to try to get him stabilized and back on medications. I may put a small amount of money on his account for essentials and I will write to him. He's 3000 miles away so visiting isn't an option at the moment.

    At the moment I honestly don't even know why he's there. I'm assuming theft but who knows. I'm not calling to find out until Monday. I want a peaceful weekend and I don't want the details yet.

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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How about a massage today or tomorrow? Take care of you Mom. Hugs.

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  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Great advice. This kind of thinking sets the parameters and gets us out of that stuck spot we get into when we get that call from the jail.

    Those calls always knock me into an alternate reality for a little while. I have to remind myself of all the tools I have now to survive and to reclaim this time.

    There were times when I would be so focused on difficult child daughter that I literally don't remember much of anything but that shocky, out of touch with reality feeling where you can't believe this is happening to your little girl.

    And when I did pick up in time to actually talk to her? She was invariably so inebriated she hardly made sense, at all.


    Maybe, this will turn out to be the best thing that could have happened.

    He is safe. There is nothing you can change until Monday. Maybe a massage, as Recovering suggested. When I practice self care in the face of a crisis? I can recover a sense of perspective.

    Holding a good thought for you, JKF.

  9. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I found out from my dad that he was arrested for burglarizing a nearby apartment and then trying to use the people's bank account to transfer funds into his account. He's also in trouble for doing this to several more people who lived in my dad's building. So I think he's going to be there for a while. But it is what it is. He's safe and maybe this happened for a reason. I also learned he's been cutting himself with razors lately. He needs serious help and I'm glad that at least now he's off the streets and safe and maybe he'll get some help.

    As for today - we're helping throw a surprise birthday party for my mother in law so I'm busy with that. Later husband and I are going to come home and light a fire in the fire pit and have some friends join us. easy child is away camping for the weekend and it's nice to have some quiet and alone time with husband.

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  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    Like COM, my difficult child has been incarcerated many times and the first few were so unnerving for his dad and me. The dreams, the hopes, the plans. And, then more angst when it became apparent that being incarcerated wasn't really changing him much. He still thought he was above the law.

    Knowing that your son was cutting himself with a razor, that makes his incarceration sound like a good thing for him. There has to be relief about that. If he is in for a good while, there may be support groups, counseling, all sorts of things available. And, perhaps he will figure out that he WILL get caught when he steals.

    My difficult child is still a difficult child and we have no contact with him - because he is a hateful difficult child. But, he has not been incarcerated in the last seven years...though he came close a few months ago.

    Post when you feel like it and let us know how you are. The weight on your heart and brain will lighten.

    Sending you kind thoughts.
  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry JKF. I hope you get to relax and enjoy your weekend. I also hope he gets some help.
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    It's hitting me now. I'm sure that the alcohol I'm consuming doesn't help but it's been that kind of day so yeah I'm having a drink or 3. There's a single star in the clear night sky so I made wish that difficult child will be ok. That's all I want - for him to be healthy and functioning and ok. That's not too much to ask right? I don't ever wish for things like money or material things. All I want is for my child to be ok.

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  13. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    JFK, I am a firm believer in alcohol helping and take advantage of it. It dulls the pain. I admitted it to my pastor years ago. He laughed and responded, "Jail, schmail".

    Whatever gets us thru the night.

    Hugs, girl

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  14. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    JKF, I am so sorry. (((hugs))) You are holding strong in the face of heartbreak. Prayers and good thoughts being sent your way.
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I hate that our beloved children make such a mess out of their lives. My son is currently in juvie prison. I would love to say that he is learning that it is better to follow rules and abide by the law, but he is not.

    I put money on a phone account so that he could call. He is 3 hours away and I can't sit in a car for that long. It is almost too much to talk to him for 5 min. every other day. You will make the right decision for you on how much contact you are comfortable with.
  16. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you this weekend. Yes, he is age now, and you are learning. Take a deep breathe (and another...and another).
    My son was in jail for the first time 9 months ago..just four days. He was freaked and i was freaked. He was jailed again for about 6 weeks in December and we both totally took it i stride. Amazing. Within would have thought we would have kids in jail??

    Even more amazing, i told COM the other day on a different thread that i sometimes envies her that her son was on jail..and most amazing if all she (and probably many on the board) completely understood.
    I know your dad was staying distant from you.. I hope this provides a door to smoothing that out . difficult child will have to deal now with the consequences of his choices.. That is a good thing.
    You have been so so careful and open to new ways of dealing with your son..i admire your efforts, your live for him, your family drawing around. You will survive this. Retain your vigilance, try not to get too drawn into jail. I never visited my son and i have no regrets. I did put money on his account so he could call me. I also sent him socks and underwear through some special prison account that deals with only a few basics. I out some money on his account so he could buy basics, but later understood he used it for kit kats, so i won't bother with that next time.
    Please let us know as things unfold. There is always some one out here.
    Praying for you, your family, and your difficult child in my own non religious way today.
  17. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    JKF---I hope today will be a better day. You are grieving as we must do. As you go through the stages of grief take comfort in that very human and necessary cycle that is healthy and healing. Just accept where you are at any given moment and be so very kind and gentle to yourself. Right now it is about YOU. This is very hard and it feels so huge and final like some big boundary has been crossed and you can never go back to how things were.

    I remember feeling that way the first time he was arrested and we were called by him from the side of the road with the police standing there ready to take him to jail. The police allowed us to take his car instead of impounding it.

    I was sick and dizzy with the whole experience. It was a nightmare surely and I would wake up soon. That time it was possession of scheduled narcotics and traffic violations. Misdemeanors. Who would have known what was to come....theft, public intoxication, two felonies for selling etc. Each time it was getting used to the new, worse normal and the surreal knowledge that this is my son doing things I could have never imagined and these are just the things he has gotten caught for. Somehow JKF stealing from me, his dad and the neighbors was almost worse----those things he has never been charged with.

    At first we visited weekly, wrote letters, bought and sent books, put money on his account and hired lawyers. This was our precious son in jail and it was almost intolerable to bear. The minute he got out I forced him into rehab and put the $6000 tab on my credit card.

    Over these past three years----it was nearly three years ago the first time---I have changed with each experience of him.

    So right now there are no shoulds for you. Do what YOU must do to survive this, get some peace and sleep at night.

    I pray that somehow someway this is a turning point for him and he can do some work on himself---whereever he ends up.

    My heart is going out to you this morning. Please keep talking to us. We get it and we care.

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  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Jail simply shouldnt be something we deal with when having kids but as you see here, it often is. I will never forget the stupidest thing my idiot kid got himself in trouble for. He was 14 and got himself sent to a group home. One of our older neighbor boys told him that it would be in his best interest if he took some weed with him to give away so the other boys would like him. Well this was well before my little idiot ever considered smoking pot and he wouldnt have known where to find any if his life depended on it so he went out to the side of the road and picked a bunch of weeds. Then he tried to dry them in the microwave and tore them up and took a GALLON bag of them in his duffle bag. They charged him with felony possession with intent to distribute. Of course they tested the stuff and it wasnt actually pot though they did say there was a minute amount in there...maybe someone tossed a joint out at some point and a plant grew. Cory got up in court and told them...Oh no, I didnt want to keep it to smoke, I dont smoke pot, I wanted to give it away!!!!

    Even the judge busted out laughing at him!

    Well after that we have been in and out of court a lot. I am always waiting for the calls to come.
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is what every one of us here wants too JKF, more then anything.

    I think with our kids we continue to adapt to their version of "ok" recognizing that our versions of "ok" are vastly different then theirs. As time goes by, after we've gone through all the adapting, we quietly slide into realizing that our version of "ok" may not or is not going to happen.

    I'm so very sorry JKF, it's a hard road. We parents have to let go of a lot.

    I hope you can spend time with your family and remember to do very kind and nurturing things for yourself. I'm thinking of you and sending my prayers and gentle hugs for your hurting heart.