I think I am going to be sick....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Dec 15, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am sitting here with my jaw to the floor right now. Turns out difficult child's boyfriend, who she is blissfully in love with (and this is highly UNLIKE her - she just doesn't date), is the nephew of a woman that used to work with husband. She used to dogsit for us. We adore her.

    Here is why I am about to be sick......

    He is over 30 years old!!!! He graduated high school when difficult child was 4 years old!!! That is a MAJOR age difference. MAJOR. What in the world would a 32 year old have in common with an 18 year old???

    I used to date only older men, too. Her biological "donor" was in his late 50's when we were together (and I was 19). I hate seeing history repeating itself.....I am watching ALL of my mistakes being done again and there is not a dang thing I can do to stop it. I just want to hurl. I think I am going to....
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG I would be worried too but do you know anything about his family? Does he come from as goos a home as his aunt If so then be relieved about that. I would worrymuchmore if this guy was a bad person or into drugs or any number of things. Of course it's still a very large age difference but maybe his extended family values have rubbed off on him.

  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh.. I'm sorry. I understand, because Youngest's last boyfriend, the father of my granddaughter, was 12 years older than her. She was 21 when she met him (and a young 21, at that), and I was very suspicious at why he would date someone so young. I chalked it up to the fact that men always seem to want "hot" younger women to stroke their egos. Unfortunately, it turned out I was right to be suspicious. He's in prison now.

    I really hope that in your daughter's case it turns out ok. There are many successful relationships with age differences, but an age difference of 30 to 42 is one thing; 18 to 30 is another.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Time to do some big time diversion.... of your thoughts that is. Do you say the serenity prayer? any kind of meditative thoughts that help to calm and dont forget to breathe.

    This guy is NOT your 50 yr old sperm donor. You dont know yet.... there are cases where people really do love eachother and have large age differences. He is part of a family where you know one wonderful person, maybe he is really a good guy?

    I for sure would be very concerned too, but not time to panic yet. (easy to say when I am not the mom watching it, sorry, not trying to be insensitive, just concerned about YOU) There is time to talk to her, but first gather your thoughts and if you can maybe even see a counselor to find out the best way to express your concerns without causing a divide. Fact is she is 18 so not much you can do, I think anyway?

    I am sure there are some here who have had or are having this situation witha child or even themselves, becasue there was a recent thread when people discussed it. I hope they can come and offer some reassurance.

    How he treats her is the most important thing. Would it be nicer if they were in a closer stage of life??? for sure. But maybe they are developmentally closer than they are age wise. IF he turns out to be a creep, I would pull out all the stops, just as I would for any aged guy who is a jerk.

    Let us know how you are doing.... Hugs to you, dont get sick over this. You are worth too much, and you dont deserve to feel sick.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    You guys are just so awesome.

    I did think more about this after I talked to her - (she called me and was with him and put me on speaker and I talked to them both). I expressed my concerns and then told her that she is an adult and anything she does is not my business but that I love her so, so much and do not want to see her get hurt. The most important factor is how he treats her and if she is happy. I do need to say that she does not date. She has only had a handful of boyfriends. This is kind of a big deal for her. I don't believe he does drugs, and found out through Google that he doesn't even smoke.

    She tells me that she has been cooking and baking. She sounds so happy. She tells me that she has changed a lot since being with him and I can tell that she has in some ways - for the better. She says she is learning not to lie anymore - I said well, he knows your parents are alive and well - that is a step! LOL. She doesn't have that "attitude" in her voice anymore. I can't tell you what a huge difference that alone is. She is talking about finally getting her license. All good stuff.

    I do believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason. I prayed every single night for Him to watch over her. Maybe M was the answer? The age difference is huge. But, she has also lived a lot more life than most 18 year olds.

    So, I am conflicted. I know she is an adult and there is nothing I can do about it anyway, but she is still and will always be my baby girl....I am just so fearful of how this will all affect her when/if it doesn't work out.

    I Googled him. He is an insurance broker and yes, he comes from a really good family and everything I have found about him online is good. So, that makes me feel a little better.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    oh that is good news. i hope she does learn from this in a healthy way. Lord knows our kids deserve some good experiences. It might not last and she might get hurt, as happpens in love, but it it is usually worth the risk in "normal" relationships.... ok, now you can relax a little. you did well checking it out.
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    LOL - I felt like a psycho but once I knew his name and where he is from I did some online research. Found his Myspace site...and it was a "normal" one. Not some gangster wanna be, or some drugged out loser, etc. Just a normal man that blogged about getting his insurance license and how much he loves his dog, fishing, etc.... I think I will relax at this point. It is a whole lot easier knowing she is happy and living a happy life (at least for now) than to imagine her homeless, strung out and desperate. The age difference bugs me, but compared to everything else in her life, I think I may be able to get past it. She has never listened to me regarding anything anyway, can't see her starting now even if I couldn't.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    amazing the worry priorities we have to develop! you probably WISH this was your biggest concern!!!!
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    husband was 16 yrs my senior. When we met I was 19 and he was 35.

    I didn't date much before husband. I did date some but over all wasn't hugely interested. Even when I met husband I wasn't hugely interested. He was my cousin's Army recruiter and new found Hero that I just had to meet or my cousin would drive me insane as he'd been doing for months. There was no real spark that first time. I mean I was impressed with husband's manners, his honesty, and many other things and we hit it off on a friendly relationship for a long while. Casual. Then one night my bro and his fiance wanted to double date........and wanted me to come along only I didn't want to go alone as it would feel awkward. So I called up husband and asked if he wanted to keep me company. (I was even dating someone else at the time that wasn't a class A winner by a long shot) By the end of that first "date" I was head over heels and knew I'd marry and spend the rest of my life with him. Which I did.

    But we got a LOT of the same type reaction you had both at the beginning and over the years. husband and I honestly had a lot in common both in interest and how we thought, and what we didn't have in common seemed to compliment each other so it worked out well. Age was never for a moment a factor in our relationship, which if truth be told most people still don't understand. It wasn't something we ever thought about. And our relationship was pretty normal all through the marriage with the normal ups and downs.

    Some 28 yrs later my mom would still like to believe husband cast some "spell" over me. :rofl: My family still doesn't "get it". My mom always says, "But he's not even your type.......not even CLOSE to your type." She was right, he wasn't. The night I asked him to join me on that double date I had no intention of finding love or romance, I wasn't looking for it. It just happened.

    I hope this is a loving healthy relationship for them both, whether it lasts or not.
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Patriotgirl,

    I can identify with the situation as my oldest difficult child is now married to a much older woman...she is at least 10 yrs older than him. I have had my concerns as well but as it turns out she is apparently good for my difficult child.
    Now, I don't have a close relationship with her though...Her value system is what mine "used" to be like and she is a fairly rigid...somewhat judgemental person from what I gather. She and my oldest difficult child go to church a couple of times a week and have very conservative, controlling views.
    I know she is responsible with money at least and has high standards. But she is not warm and friendly like my young difficult child's wife.
    But all I want is for my oldest difficult child and their babies to be happy and healthy. So far it is working.
    So I guess it doesn't really matter if I'm crazy about her or not.
    I think having an older partner in life is what my difficult child needed. It may be what your daughter needs too.

    I am happy to read some positives about your daughter as last I heard awhile back she was involved with the Meth and relationships were strained. We have to hold on to any good we can find in our difficult child's lives.

  11. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    He sounds like a good guy. The thing i'd be mor worried about is that she's getting involved too fast and not doingthe 19 y/o girl thing and living life.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Interesting thread. My difficult child#1 has always been too popular with "the ladies". He's only had one actual relationship. Well he is now hooked up with someone who is twelve years older. I had hoped it might be a good thing. Turns out she has three kids beting raised by her parents (sound familiar??), has a past etc. Oh well. At least he is not jumping from bed to bed like he was and...good news!...she has had her tubes tied. How ironic that he would hook up with someone similar to his Mom, GFGmom. I'm in a bit of a shock state but, as always, trying to find the good in the situation and not focus on the questionable.
    Obviously she is meeting some need he has. Weird. DDD
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    "some need he has"...LOL that's one way to put it!

    too funny,
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    That does make me feel a lot better Hound!!

    I can't say anything bad about this, yet. I am seeing positive changes in difficult child and that tells me what ever she has is doing her good. I am feeling better about it and looking forward to meeting this man that has saved her from the black hole she was living in. It was just that initial shock. But, difficult child has always been a bit of an old soul, too. She never fit in with her peers and always preferred being with older, more mature people. And I think she has done enough partying and "living life" as a young adult - she started all of that very, very early. If she settled down now, I would be seriously thrilled.
  15. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I hear you. It is so hard not to worry about our difficult children and the choices they make. Sometimes all we can do is simply to love what is. Easier said than done, but true.

  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Best case scenario? He straightens her out, she sees that she has self-worth, she gets bored with the old dude and finds someone her own age and life goes on.
    or....they live happily ever after.

    DF is older than I am to the point that when we are I get (quite a bit) So is your Dad coming? and we just get a kick out of the looks on peoples faces when we explain he's not my Dad.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know the age difference bugs you, but not all guys who get involved with someone 12 yrs younger are bad or are bad for them. He seems to be a good influence on her. You can't change things even if he isn't. I hope he continues to help her make good choices and that if they stay together then they are good to/for each other.

    I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 31. I had just turned 20 a month before and he was almost 32. We have been together since. My mother knew the first night he came over to watch a movie and she walked past the den and saw he was asleep with his head on my lap (he had been at work at 5 am that morning and was just asleep, nothing else) that he would be the one for me. It hasn't been easy, no marriage is, but we have 20 years of marriage now and still going strong. Sometiems we get teased because he student taught in my jr high when I was a student there, lol. I never had him for a teacher but could have.

    It could be just what she needs. Even if it/he isn't, focus on the positive changes and practice detachment. I am sorry this is bothering you. I get the "Dad" comments now and again. We think they are funny.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    My brother was 39 when he got married. His wife was 23. While my brother was a minor difficult child (never drugs, got his doctorate, etc) but he was immature for his age and by the time he was ready to settle down and get married, he was "old". In his mind, his "bride" needed to be in her early 20s, so that is when he started dating much younger women (his girlfriends before that time were close to his age).

    It's been almost 5 years and they are doing very well.
  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    And the smoke fades and I see that I was right to be skeptical in the first place. I did a little more searching because gee, I can't seem to Google anything on him and insurance. Nothing comes up but his Myspace page. Very peculiar....so I type in his name and his hometown and first thing that pops up is a mug shot!!!! I pull up the mugshot, it was from this past July and the charge was failure to appear for something back in 1990 (he would have been around 20 at that time, so no biggie, could be a LOT worse). But, what struck me, is the picture. I knew it was the same person but I could hardly believe my eyes. In his Myspace and Facebook photos he looks like a clean cut, good looking normal guy. Well, those photos are a couple of years old. His mugshot, from July, he looks rough. The type of rough that comes from life taking a turn. His skin looks rough and kind of grey and well, he looks skinnier and well he looks like someone that got involved with drugs. difficult child made a comment the other day that he talks to his family as much as she talks to hers. So, I am connecting the dots and thinking that is probably because he went down the wrong path, too. Lovely. So much for difficult child taking a turn for the better. She is only happy because she found a loser to live in the misery with her. Yes, I know, I am judging based on a picture. But doesn't a picture say a thousand words??

    I texted her yesterday and told her to ask him if he was arrested in July and she called me telling me that he is a grown man and not to go snooping on him on the internet. I just said that is what I thought and hung up.

    Needing.To.Detach. :/
  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh ugh ugh. This is why I am always sorry when I start to become excited that difficult child is interested in someone that appears normal. She once told me "mom we are all addicts, everyone I hang with has a record."

    Yes it's time to detach. Easier said than done.