Ya know.....I remember the first time I thought about how much more different my life would be without Dude. I said first time - because I know there have been several other times I thought the same thing and then thought O.M.G what kind of Mother am I? Maybe I'm the reason Dude is like he is. Maybe my thinking of a life without stress, and aggrivation, and someone who is depressed all the time, teases the dogs, trashes his room, mouthes off to me, can't stay in school, won't get and can't get along with nearly EVERYONE would be. ANd then it occured to me that I wasn't really wondering what it would be like to be without my kid. I was wondering what it would be like to have a life with a kid that was not emotionally dysfunctional. BIG difference. Although you think that what you are thinking is life without THEM - what your heart and soul is thinking about is a life without the chaos and bull. Pretty normal thinking in my book.
I also have wondered what life would be like for those I left behind and it had come to that point so many times. I hit the wall with my back and just slid onto the floor in the hall and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I didn't think I had a tear left to cry, my eyes nearly swollen shut, my anger at an all time high, my relationship with God going on the skids because I was just angry angry angry p8ssed and angry that HE didn't fix this. Then I topped that off with all the other horrible and unbelievable carp that happend since the day I was born and I sobbed some more. I'm pretty sure at one point I threw weeds with a clump of dirt at heaven and told God to just COME AND GET ME!
I did go to therapy and have been an advocate of therapy for a long time. I'm not a huge advocate of being a pill popper, but when I needed a little assistance I wasn't so self-centered to think I could do it all by myself. I've been on a few anti-depressants and gone to a fair number of therapists before I found one that I "clicked" with, was comfy with, and felt like working with. Others that I saw in the past actually - looked at the wall while I was talking, yawned, checked out their cell phone, and at some point I think I remember saying to one girl "my life....the monkey went up the flagpole. DO you know what I mean?" and she nodded yes and I got up and said "What did I say?" and she said "Did I know what you mean?" I said BEFORE THAT? =space and time .......then I said "I said the monkey went up the flag pole, and yOU are NOT paying attention to me and I'm paying you?" See ya. I think within 4 or 5 visits you'll know if you click with a therapist. ANd if not? CHANGE - why stay with someone that will make you feel like you do now about therapy? Plenty of fish in the PhD sea. Find one you can get hooked on going to.
When I first started going it was to prove to my friend that I (I) was NOT the one with the problem. haha......yeah I had lots of problems. Oy. But i've worked through them.
I also had a stroke a couple years back and Gosh that was just HUGE fun. I felt like my son was getting railroaded, he tried to commit suicide, he was going to jail, looking at 17 years in prison for something he had hardly any involvement in - my DF was depressed all the time and in major pain, we were running back and forth to the hospital and I just didn't know if I wanted to be around anymore. I called the doctor......we spoke......I cried.....and then we decided to try EMDR therapy. IT's awesome, quick and worked well for me.
Listen - whatever you decide to do - you're going to have to want to get better. If you hate your therapist - find a new one. If you hate being on pills - don't take them - but DO find other ways of getting the stress out. What you are going through now is not for the faint hearted. Don't try to predict the future because you aren't a psychic - but DO plan on what YOU can do for yourself and your son.
If you don't take care of yourself - there are people that will do it for you. Right now? You are in control of what you can and can't do. Make poor choices and that is the last thing they take from you. Personally I was never ready to give up control of who did what to me. So I buckled and began small steps to take care of ME......and make ME come first.
Many hugs for whatever you do and just know that you aren't alone in how you feel now. DO know that there can be brighter tomorrows and that you are smart enough to figure out how to get a little sunshine for yourself. I know you can - and if you can't - ask someone close to you for help.
Hugs
Star