I think my husband is wavering in his resolve to remove the difficult one from our house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by feelingfrustrated, Feb 12, 2015.

  1. feelingfrustrated

    feelingfrustrated New Member

    Keep in mind that we have not seen the difficult child since last Friday morning. It was thereafter that we found out she was stealing from us right under our very noses while he was in the home - immediately following his confronting her about stealing commemorative coin collections and telling her that we would never allow stealing in our home. She sealed the boxes she had packed with our possessions and wrote all over them that it was her "miscellaneous stuff". Most of her clothes and some of her furniture and belongings are still at our house from when she moved back in with us approximately 1 year ago.

    My husband has tried to contact difficult child on multiple occasions and she has recently responded, indicating she wanted "hang" with him for the day. He has told her he was busy during the day, but that he would like her to come to the house when both he and I are home. She knows something is up and asked him why we wanted her there when we were both home. My husband finally told her that we wanted to have a discussion with her regarding obtaining a job, house rules, etc. She told him that she had plans to be with her friends that night, instead. So, to date, we have not been able to tell her that she is no longer allowed to live in our house due to her recent attempts at theft.

    As my husband and I were discussing this situation last night, he made the comment several times that we can't just throw her out as she doesn't have any place to go. I pointed out to him that she has been gone for almost a week (I believe a part of that time was spent at her mother's house) and that for the past two months she has only stayed at our house a handful of nights. I think he may find it difficult to stay strong when she is finally confronted about the ramification of her actions and may give in when she begins to cry, scream, berate, or whatever it is she will do, and may just give her another chance. I do not want her to have another chance in my home. I'm fearful of how strong he will stay when she contacts him with her manipulative ways and begs to return to the house.

    I've told him that I can no longer stay in a home wherein I do not feel safe. I told him that if he is going to allow her to stay, even with irrefutable proof that she attempted to steal from us, then I would pack my belongings and leave. I feel bad for doing so and, given my love for him, I don't know that I can even make good on that threat. But what else can I do? I am soooo scared that he will allow difficult one to manipulate him and convince him to let her stay...
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you...
    That's a tough spot to be in.
    Perhaps you can tell her something along these lines:
    "since you have not been staying here on a regular basis we are taking that to mean you no longer want to live here, in which case your belonging will be boxed up. Let us know when you will stopping by to collect them"
    If you tell her this I'm sure she will find time away from her friends to talk, or better yet she'll say fine and let you know when she can come collect her things.
    If she says "you can't do that" I would reply along the lines of "actually, yes we can. it is clear by your actions that you don't want to live here or you would be here every night. Your coming and going whenever and wherever you like is too disruptive to this household"

    I agree with you that if your husband allows her back that you will need to stay somewhere else. Don't say it if you don't mean it. Have an action plan ready. It doesn't have to be forever.

    She obviously has places to stay, I doubt she's sleeping on the streets.

    Hang in there!!
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  3. feelingfrustrated

    feelingfrustrated New Member

    "since you have not been staying here on a regular basis we are taking that to mean you no longer want to live here, in which case your belonging will be boxed up. Let us know when you will stopping by to collect them"

    If she says "you can't do that" I would reply along the lines of "actually, yes we can. it is clear by your actions that you don't want to live here or you would be here every night. Your coming and going whenever and wherever you like is too disruptive to this household"

    Tanya - you're a genius! I love both of these and will no doubt use them!!!
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Looks like you may need to use tough love with your husband too. If he allows her back, I would definitely leave...until he has enough of her by himself and throws her out again for stealing again.

    If she doesn't want to be cold, she can hang in Walmart during the day or a 24 hr. laundromat, go to a shelter, or get a J-O-B and get her own place.
  5. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    I've been exactly where you are right now...step daughter, faltering husband, and ultimatums. I meant what I said and said what I meant. He said there was no choice - and then gave her a ride to a friend's house. She hasn't been back since and he declared the other day she will NEVER return to our home to live.

    Stay strong. In my situation, I was the more objective one...I saw the drug use and the behaviors and manipulations long before he would acknowledge any of it. And he still can't see it when it happens...until I point it out. Baby steps...
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    One thing you are doing is a good thing: setting strong boundaries with both of them. I think if you stand by your boundary that it is her or me your husband will come around to seeing she has to go. Sometimes we have to be the tough one when we are doing what we know is the right thing that needs to be done. Hang in there.
  7. feelingfrustrated

    feelingfrustrated New Member

    I know I have to remain strong and maintain the boundaries I have set, but I fear that there will come a day when he will resent me for setting the limits, i.e. perhaps if difficult one becomes even more addicted and, as a result, OD's. Will he blame me for her death because I insisted that we no longer allow her to live in our home?

    Also, I am waiting for the recriminations from his ex - difficult one's mother. I know she will call him and insist that we again open our home to difficult one. She has done this before. She was the one who insisted that my husband allow first difficult one's possessions to be stored at our home, and then second, albeit a few weeks later, that we have difficult one live with us as she could not control difficult one (They cannot get along and their relationship tends to consist of either going out partying together or screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, hitting, etc.) Will she prevail? I certainly hope not. But if it gets out of hand, I know my only option is to leave. As I do not have a pleasant relationship with his ex (she hates me), I don't see talking to her myself as an option.
  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Or: even if he would blame you IF something horrific happened to her - it would not be your fault. The worst thing to do is to is to be a "blind to it all" parent AND THEN have to deal with the repercussions. (worst case scenario) You ARE NOT the bad guy here, you are the most level headed person in the whole situation.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Oh, heavens, DON'T talk to her! She's not even your kid. She's your disturbed child's ex. I wouldn't even pick up the phone for her.

    And I do think it would put a good scare into your husband if you spent time away from home while he tried to deal with all the chaos himself and the inevitable thieving and drugging. Sometimes adults needs to a kick in the pants too. My own attitude is, my home is my sanctuary. No toxic people are invited here.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If she stays with you, and becomes even more addicted and/or ODs... does that become his fault?

    NO. On both sides.

    Addicts are addicts. They either get help, or they don't. There are some things that are not in your power. If things continue as they are, this addict has the power to destroy all three of you. If you and hubby can protect yourselves, she may be pushed to find her own "bottom" and work her way back up. If hubby can't protect himself, you need to protect yourself. Someone needs to survive out of this. It may be all three of you - I hope it is - but the status quo isn't going to work.
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  11. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    How is the dust settling over at your house FeelingFrustrated?
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    He could tell his ex that he is using "detachment parenting" for the daughter's own sake, and suggest that ex do the same ~ for daughter's own sake.

    You cannot control difficult one, either.

    No one can control, assist, change, or direct, an addict. Addiction is a terminal disease. The addict must stop using, or the downward spiral will not stop.

    I think it would it be helpful for you and your D H to attend an Al Anon meeting together, or a NAMI support group together. You two are not the only parents facing this situation. There will be strength for you in meeting and talking with other parents who are learning how to cope with something so painful, too.

    I am sorry this is happening. As you read with us here you will be surprised to find how similar the behaviors of addicted kids are ~ almost down to their vocabularies.

    Has the daughter been in treatment?

  13. feelingfrustrated

    feelingfrustrated New Member

    We're still hanging in there. Difficult one still has not been to the house, so we have not been able to inform her that she can no longer consider our house her home. I will let you know how it all goes once we have the talk.
  14. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hang in there. This is a pivotal time and it's really hard for everybody. Try to breathe and just let go and see what happens.

    You can only decide what you will do and can do. The rest of the people will have to do the same thing.

    It's really really hard for parents to let go. You have children, so you understand that. And when they are difficult children, it's even more complicated.

    It is a process.

    The fact that she hasn't been there and some time has gone by can be a really good thing.

    We're here for you. Have you asked your husband to read this forum? Just reading this forum for some time is a whole education in itself.