I think theres more to it

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by barbie, Jun 20, 2008.

  1. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    Well, while dont have Eric quite under control yet, he is still in a better daycare than the others, this daycare has experience with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)/ADHD children. I still havent had Occupational Therapist (OT) for him because UHC is dragging their feet on approving it. We are still going bananas, all out bananas too. My middle girl, Danae was diagnosed after starting school with ADHD, but I dont think that is really all she has. She thinks very negatively about herself and she does it all the time. She is constantly either throwing a fit or crying over the smallest things. I am going to take her to the psychiatrist Eric is seeing.

    Her biological father, and I didnt find this out until after I was pregnant with her, was in an institution for a year, cause after he found his stepfather cheating , he woke up in the middle of the night and decided he was going to try to kill them. DID I mention he is in jail now for a violent offense and added more time to his 7 1/2 yr sentence by fighting with a deputy?

    The extent of my mental history is the day I left my exhusband, I was depressed for a week, and now I have anxiety issues. Who wouldnt, or who dealing with this doesnt? I dont quite understand all of whats going on with them but Im pretty sure Danae is bi-polar, my mom was/is. I remember watching her having the highs and doing her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) cleaning and her suicidal lows. Danae acts the same way, one minute she is bouncing off the walls, the next she is telling me that noone likes her in her school and that I dont even like her, that she is stupid, and that she should just go away. Very emotional, I called her my little drama queen and she broke down in tears and told me I was mean and I didnt love her.

    Is it me going crazy, imagining that these things are happening, I dont think so, but Im getting to crazy real soon I'm afraid. I am so scared to hear that she is bi-polar or odd, both of those really scare me.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    The first step is acknowledging and accepting what is going on in our children's lives. Every parent dreams of having that perfect child. I know I did. Then when it doesn't happen - and it never does, even easy child's are not perfect - we have to learn that they are people in their own rights. They are their own identity - we can try to help but if they do not accept our guidance, there is not much we can do.

    My easy child is my broken dream big time - I have to come to terms that she will not be the person I know she can be but as long as she is happy in life that is all I can ask for because it is her life and she is now old enough to make those decisions.

    My difficult child is a broken dream in a different way. Just by being a difficult child makes me so frustrated because I can not make him behave as a easy child. I am accepting him as he is and working on pulling his good qualities out.

    All we can do as parents is our best and remember that everyone, even our children, have wills and dreams of their own. They are very special and we love them for who they are.

    Many diagnosis are scary, but once they are made and confirmed, you can better help the person. So, if you find your daughter to be bi-polar, try to accept it and learn all you can. I do understand how scary it is to wonder what diagnosis will be given - it is an unknown but once known there is nothing you can do to change it, just to make life better through medications, therapy, love, whatever it takes.

    Members of this board do understand where you are at. I am learning a lot from reading threads, I sure you will also. Share with us your input.
  3. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    I know, believe me I know. I'm just scared that right now she is spiraling and I wont be able to help her to get back up again. She is doing such odd things she got the scissors from the kitchen and hid them under her bed, she is peeing in her garbage can in her room, the bathroom is directly in front of her room. She is lying about everything, everything. She broke down in tears when I gave her nacho chips and a good salsa/taco dip for dinner and she used to love it, but she broke down in tears and complained about how noon loves her and noone in her daycare likes her or how they wont play with her. I didnt give her sympathy, cause Im not going to feed the pity party. I tell her well maybe if you werent crying or telling on them all the time maybe they would play with you a little bit more. She kept right on whining for atleast 45 minutes, about how noone loves her, not her sister or brother, or even me.

    Ive become a shut in, between being afraid to go out because Eric will have one of his fits, or she will, or the other girl will run away to look at the fish on the oter side of the store scaring the life out of me. It is too much work to go out, its easier to stay home and be able to "control" them there. By control I mean scream and have a fit. --Threats dont work with them, they arent afraid of me.
  4. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Don't you think that by not being sympathetic to her comments that no one likes her -- an expression of the fear that she is unlovable -- that you are validating those feelings?

    That sounds like one very scared, anxious little girl there.

    by the way, is she still on a stimulant?
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I agree that she sounds very anxious and/or depressed. I'd recommend getting her into the psychiatrist ASAP.
  6. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    She is still on Adderrall XR but her pediatrician gave them to us not a psychiatrist we have her first appointment on july 11.
    By not addressing her when she talks like that, becaus in the past I have, I avoided feeding into it, before I would ask why she felt that way and she would go on to say shes ugly, shes, stupid, and on and on, I dont want to continue to the point where she is justifying in her mind why people dont like her. I wasnt trying to be unsympathetic but I cant listen to that anymore, for me, Ive never really been high or low so I dont understand that. I always had to be strong I was shuttled between my mom and my grandma, my father was more involved with his wife than with me. Im the eldest of four, my mom was bipolar, schizophrenic with paranoid delusions and suicidal ideations, and I always had to take care of the others when she got down. I still dont understand that mindset of feeling sorry for myself. Im my mind you do what you have to do to get into the next step/phase. If you stop to get depressed you are wasting time, that you can't afford to lose.
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Depression is more often than not caused by chemical changes in the brain. It is an illness, not a willful decision to feel sorry for oneself. The child (or adult) needs treatment in the form of therapy and/or medications.

    by the way, Adderal can increase anxiety and cause depression.
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Just a small suggestion: Get one of those small (8 1/2 X 11) dry erase boards. Write a positive statement about your daughter on it (or several in different colors) and put in her room where she can read it every day. Change the statements every few days. So that she knows the statements stay true, on board with changes, put "And ......"

    1st board, "Danae is beautiful, fun, kind, a fast runner, is loved by her family......"

    2nd time, "And Danae works hard to be respectful......"

    3rd time, "And Danae likes to use pretty words that make people feel good (she hates it when her anger makes her say bad things) ......"

    4th time, "And Danae is working on controlling her anger...."

    Know what I mean?? I bought a board for difficult child to do his math home work (kids like dry erase boards). One night when he was having a hard time getting his homework done and I was frustrated in getting him to do it, I wrote something like, "difficult child is very smart. He can do his homework. He can get his homework done before bed time." For some reason, that got him going.

    Give Danae a journal have her copy each board's message in it so she can read all of them whenever she wants. Go ahead and put in the "Beautiful, loved by family, ect." every few times. (You can send the same message as often as you want - go with the most current issues and some may keep occurring over and over like the "I am ugly" statement)

    You can get her a second dry erase board for her to write down how she makes these positive things happen ....
    (How are you going to stay beautiful? Be kind to everyone, help when I can, take care of my physical well being - teeth, bath/shower, hair, eat good foods, ect.)
  9. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    In my opinion, she's displaying extreme anxiety about herself. Adderall, like all the stims, can cause or make worse existing anxiety and should not be given to people with pre-existing anxiety. The changes in the brain made by the amphetamine/amphetamine-like drugs include increased anxiety. She can't choose not to be anxious (manifesting with her so called pity-party) if the drug she is taking is causing the changes in her brain which result in anxiety.
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Just a clarification, my suggestion is just a small option to help her with her self-esteem. The others posting here are addressing her most important medical issue. Listen to and consider their advise for sure. (I don't know much about the medical side so I usually only give ideas on the managing the behavioral side)
  11. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    I know to address the medical portion of it, I have an appointment with psychiatrist the 11th, for her, thats the soonest they could get her in. My problem is that she was like this before the adderall even became an option for us. She has always been high strung and my drama queen. My fear is that they will tell me she has something that could be more problematic to help her with, like ODD or bi-polar.

    I am a single parent, I work for an internal medicine doctor, I have three kids with ADHD, one in addition to that has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified and is allergic to almost everything we could think to feed him. I dont go out, because it is way too much work to fight three kids, I try, believe me, I try. I have taken them by myself to the water parks or to the magic kingdom, things kids like. I am overwhelmed and outnumbered, I dont feel sorry for myself, these three kids came to me after having two stillbirths and two miscarraiges. I fought against my own body to bring these kids here. With Eric I was actually sedated three different times and was still contracting.

    I am nervous, I can work with them but any more time off of work and I wont have a job, which I do need cause my income is the only income and SSi is still dragging their feet. Im scared of ODD, Im scared of bipolar, Im scared.
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I see that you have anxiety - I wonder if your fears are feeding into that? It is extremely scary waiting to figure out any medical issue. You must have all sorts of wild "what ifs" going through your head. When those scary thoughts come up, breathe in and out deeply. Don't let them take over.

    You know your children and you love them as they are. What more will a diagnosis add but possibly give you more tools to help them through life?

    So, you may get a diagnosis that you do not want, but you will also get more help in managing the behaviour your children. Isn't that a positive side of this nightmare? The sooner a diagnosis is made, the sooner help can be given.

    When my difficult child became a difficult child, I was terrified because I have worked in a state behavioral health facility and have seen only the very acute mental health patients. I had to come to terms telling myself that the people I work with are only a small percentage of people with these diagnosis - there are many people out there who have learned to live with their disability and have a happy life. So, I am focusing on preparing my difficult child for a life with a diagnosis that scares people but knowing it is up to him to overcome (or just stay on top of) it.

    Try not to be afraid of a diagnosis because your children have it now and it is just not yet named. And you still love your kids and have plans to prepare them for adulthood.

    This board will help as much as we can. Come here often and post your daily issues - Input you get here will help you through this.

    I do understand, I still have moments of extreme fear over my difficult child's diagnosis - we have yet to figure him out beyond extreme anxiety. I also ask, "What will happen if ......" I try to ignore these moments and just focus on the good behaviors he is exhibiting or managing the moment - the future will be here too soon - I have to do what I can now.