I tried that's the problem

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Feb 28, 2018.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I'm just tired. Tired of son disrupting my home with all his pointing the fingers. Questioning my husband and I wrongful actions. Son admitting he's done the 12 step program and being locked up and it didn't Work! How's he has kicked addiction. I'm just so tired of it. Saying how we don't love him. How he just wants to hang out have a few beers and watch sports with his parents. I tried to control my tongue but instead it was a yelling match of what about you did this and why I can't scene! My son just don't want help. He just don't want to live in society and pay his dues. He believes that is fake and robotic way to live. I told him I can't be apart of his way of life. He says I label him. I'm just even to tired to finish this post! Hugs .
    Joysheph
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Tell him you Label yourself. Or him and your label is now “DONE”.
     
  3. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    As another poster so wonderfully put it, it sounds like your son needs to be “liberated to live the life of his choosing” (aka move out), since he doesn’t respect that it is not your choosing, and you pay the mortgage.
     
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  4. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    Been there have come to the conclusion that when he starts and i know it is going to turn into a poor me bout i just don't answer him. Sometimes reason is not part of their ability.
     
  5. marlboro

    marlboro New Member

    Yes... realistically, all his YOU statements are really just “I" statements. It doesn’t make us feel better to know this, but it can engage our cognitive thinking to somehow deal with it.

    Having toxic children in our lives when we are older is a horrible conflict. They make us feel awful when they are here; they make us feel awful when they are gone.
     
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I have heard similar rantings from my son about society. "Mom, you're just a dumb drone" "Mom, you are a slave to the man" one of my favorites "Mom, you will never be free as long as you have a stupid job"

    Our difficult adult children can choose to believe what they want about society. I for one agree with you that they should pay their dues. Instead, they would rather us pay the dues and then pay them.

    They can complain all they want and yet they have no trouble taking from us that which we earned by being a productive part of society. They like the creature comforts of staying in our homes, eating our food, stealing money out of our wallets, etc.......

    Who does your son think he is questioning you and your husband's actions? I get it, my son has done the same thing to me. Don't buy into it.

    Nothing will change until you change it.

    Hang in there!!!!
     
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    My thoughts exactly. Took the words right out of my typing fingers. My two are the same. Want to live on the fringe which means living off of the fringe benefits of their parents hard work. It’s like we are the fools and they have all the answers. Whatever.

    Ditto here. Daughters do the same to me. Not buying it.
    I know your last post your son just got out of jail and “appeared” in your home, breaking in through the kitchen window.
    This sort of thing happened to hubs and I a few years back. To my daughters, they didn’t see anything wrong with breaking in to our home. As far as they were concerned it was their home too. Even though they didnt live with us at the time.
    I don’t see much of them anymore. They know I won’t give in to them. When I do see them there is not much conversation. I don’t want to get drawn in to that same ole same ole. As long as they are on meth their thinking is skewed. Anything I say is turned against me and met with venom.
    No thank you.
    Stay safe JS.
    Your home should be your sanctuary.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think it's fine to live off the grid. Many RVers do it, live on free land and use dump stations and water tanks no electricity it. Many love it and the community.

    None I talked to live off their parents at all part of the fun is the freedom and self sufficience. Their folks may not like their unusual lifestyle,but it isn't their call because they don't pay for it.

    Tiny living is about doing of 100 percent on your own. These kids are simply living with your money.
     
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Label yourself not him and your label is DONE typo sorry
     
  10. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I am so very done. I know that I can not take the bullet for him. I honestly believe that now. I can't cure his addictions. I truly believe. Few hours ago my dogs are barking up a storm so before sunrise I look in my garage and there he sits. "If i love him just let him shower and rest for today." He has the faces of meth and I just can't look at him in the face. You don't love me... my husband got him into the car and was going to take him to the day shelter and asked him if hed go to treatment son refused and walked away. I pray he don't come back here today. I am at my wits end of him just showing up. I've had him arrested for trespassing fines up to $2000 now. He still continues. I'm just tired of this.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you really meAn it (it is hard) have you tried a restraining order?
     
  12. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    No I haven't. It may have to come to that. Honesty I don't think he minds being in jail. Food, shelter and entertainment. He's not my son, right now he's doing drugs and it's escalating his mental illness. It frightens me but all I know is i must control my tongue because he's not listening away. Get him off my property fast. He don't want help right now for addiction. He just wants a safe haven.
    joysheph
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Will he consider rehab if you phrase Occupational Therapist (OT) as a place for him to stay? Maybe something will wear off.
     
  14. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I have taken him to detox centers, mental health facility, and nothing works. He has gone just to sleep and then he manipulate the doctors and gets released about 2 to 4 weeks later. Then he's right back at it. That is why I do not trust him. Sure I wonder may Be since he is sober maybe I should help with sheltet? We are so far from that now. I have helped and suggested AA/NA a sponsor but he'll go a few times to shut me up.
    So I am done with allowing him to make promises to me if I'd just help him. He says when homeless what else is there too do but get high! Over and over I tell him to go to 12 month inpatient treatment for homeless men and get a case manager to get help. He just refuses to go or to go downtown for help. I feel he just wants to harassed me in our town. Even if he truly wants help now I can't give nothing more but I love you and a ride. I don't believe in him anymore.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You did all you could.

    Now then ai hope you start caring for yourself.
     
  16. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Yes i believe that I have tried to offer support. And he knows the resources available for his situation. I just have to not argue and allow my rage escape my mouth. It gets no where. He's ill and I can't make him be compliance. The guilt isn't as strong as before. I am just tired and want to run far away and forget. I don't know if that makes me a bad person to desire such?
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No. In fact if you can get away even for a weekend you in my opinion have every right. You are not responsible for your son. You are not legally allowed to force him to get help and you can't save him. But you can learn to live a great life, in spite of your son's troubles. That is where I think a good therapist can help. Most of us don't know how to do it alone, it feels good to be able to speak our rage and disappointment to a live but not involved person and many of us have done it and are doing well. I also got much comfort from Al Anon. I could never have come to this good place on my own.

    Enjoy your life. You can do it.
     
  18. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thank you very much. I do need to get involved face 2 face it's time. It really does feel better talking it out to someone who don't know me personally.

    Joysheph