In school TWO minutes

[Kjs]

difficult child had a fairly good week last week. No missing assignments, Just tardies, A's an all tests. so we allowed him to do things on Friday night and Sunday afternoon.

School starts at 8:30. 8:32 Special Education teacher is on the phone and said, Please tell Alex he needs to come to school with supplies, and bring supplies to class. She put him on the phone, and he just went off on me yelling that he didn't do it before and he isn't doing it now.

I reminded him that he is in 7th grade and the rules have not changed. I told him he had pencils on the top of his locker (I cleaned it out two weeks ago). He started screaming at me "BOO HOO, I don't bring paper or pencils to class. the world is going to end. I don't feel like taking anything to class and I am not doing anything today. You guys are retarted!"

I hung up, because here I am at work, in tears as he is yelling at me. I called husband, left him a message and told him to call school on his break.

School psychiatric. testing begins today. If I were to see him now, I would probably smack him. I think we should of spanked when he was younger. Because now...I think I will begin spanking, only I am so angry, so hurt, so lost, that I just don't care.

:sad: :crying:

 

[wakeupcall]

Oh boy.....I bet it's all YOUR fault, too, isn't it? I get so tired of being blamed for everything and I know you do, too. What can these children be thinking to not be responsible for anything whatsoever. My son defecated in his underwear three times yesterday...my fault? Go figure.

What did you do to clean out his locker? Special permission from the principal? difficult child will be in the 6th grade and when I saw the lockers I started laughing. He'll be able to trash that in a day!

 

[Kjs]

difficult child had sooo many missing assignments, and he starts yelling at everyone that happens to ask for it saying he did it and they lost it. so, I went to school prior to school and got permission to go through his locker..I was looking for the missing work. found some, but also found 6 half drinken bottles of gatoraid, gum, candy wrappers, juice bags, clothes, crumpled up papers and only one book. He lost everything else..go figure.

 

[wakeupcall]

Oh maaaaan, did you just want to scream like a banshee????

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Just tossing this out there...

Is it possible for husband to get these calls from the school? Just bypass you completely? Perhaps it could serve 2 purposes. 1- you have been stretched to your very limits, and you could use a break. 2- let husband defend him when it is the school telling him what difficult child is doing.

Just trying to brainstorm, I know you are having a rough time. Oh, and how dare you insist he brings pencils to class. The nerve. :wink:

 

[smallworld]

Maybe I'm off base here, but why is the school calling YOU about stuff like this? School issues should be handled at school. If your difficult child doesn't bring supplies to class, then the SCHOOL should handle it. Honestly, if the sped teacher just handed him a pencil and sent him back to class, maybe everything would not escalate as much. It appears difficult child likes being out of class, and sped teacher is just feeding into this desire.

This issue should definitely be brought up at the upcoming IEP meeting.

 

[Sunlight]

I was thinking too that school should not have called you at work. heck some of us work where you cannot get calls unless it is an emergency.

by the way spanking doesnt work. however tell him if he is acting like a baby you may have to go to school with him and sit there all day with him. perhaps with your pjs on and hair in curlers.

 

[Kjs]

husband cannot get calls at work. He has a cell phone, but cannot answer it. He can return messages on his break. I left him a message to call, but he only has 10 minutes and if they take to long paging the person, he will have to hang up.

School said they will not babysit him. I have paper, pencils, notebooks, folders. He won't take them. I can bring them, but then they just get thrown about in his locker and all crumpled up. He wouldn't take them to class anyway.

I have gone to class with him. He treats me like crap in front of everyone and what can I do in front of everyone?

I asked husband to take a vacation day and go to school with him.
He doesn't take vacation days to spend on vacation or with me..so I guess it would be a good thing for him to do. He just blows me off.

Yes, it would avoid big conflict if they just gave him the paper and pencils. he may still refuse to do work, but he would have the supplies. But...shouldn't he be a little bit responsible at this age? He KNOWS what to do. He was screaming at me on the phone. i can't sit hear in tears and all messed up feeling like I just want to die. I have soo very much I need to learn yet.
You ever feel so down in the dumps that you can't get any lower..then it comes, a new lower than low. That's the appreciation we get for giving him money and letting him spend the night somewhere Saturday, and giving him MORE money and letting him go to a carnival that is in town yesterday.

Then he will say he is soooo very sorry, he knows he is wrong, and all that BS. husband will buy it. I'll just sit and cry. Then husband will yell at me. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It just wasn't. What is in difficult child's head? Why does he hurt me so much? then he tells counselor that he is afraid I will leave. Dont have any reason to stay. I really don't. Love him so very much, but he hurts me and makes me cry every single day. He would just be better off without me. Then there would be no more arguing.

 

[smallworld]

Kjs, something is feeding your difficult child's behavior. Anxiety, depression, it's anyone's guess at this point. The point is that the SCHOOL needs to deal with it, NOT you and husband. I wouldn't worry about his being in 7th grade and not taking responsibility for his supplies. This is a side issue. The kid needs to be in class. If he goes to class and doesn't do the work, the SCHOOL needs to figure out a way to reach him. THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. The school is using you and husband to solve a problem that squarely sits on their shoulders. You might want to post on Special Education 101 and see what Martie and Sheila think.

 

[DammitJanet]

As I see it you have three choices:

Forward the calls to husband's cell phone and who cares if he can take the calls.

Send extra pencils and paper to school for the sped teacher to keep at her desk for him and let her treat him as a baby since that is how he wants to be treated.

Embarrass the pants off him one time and go to school in the worst get up you can and sit with him. I actually went to school in a robe, pajama's and flip flops with my hair a mess and sat next to my kid and every time he acted the fool I threatened to whip his hiney in front of the class. This worked because it was my middle son and he was mortified...lol. He was being the class clown and he didnt like it.

 

[CCRidr2]

KJS,

husband and I used to fight like cats and dogs over difficult child. He would believe the BS manipulation and I wouldn't. Of course, this is exactly what difficult child intended, since then our focus is on each other instead of what he did to begin with. He couldn't believe that a 5,6,7,8,9 yr old could be that manipulative. I don't know exactly the moment when husband finally "got it" but we are now, just in the last month or so, a united front after 8 years of being manipulated by a KID!!

by the way leaving is, not now or ever, the answer. Our difficult child's and easy child 1's bio mom left when they were 1 and 6 respectively. easy child 1 had alot of trust issues at first till she finally figured out and believed that I am not going anywhere. difficult child is an exact duplicate of her. If you leave it will now stop the fighting and arguing! He will just argue and fight with someone else and add trust issues to the mix. Hang in there, I know I chose this knowing what may be to come but even if I hadn't I would not give up. Don't get me wrong, I feel like it sometimes but if I did how would that impact him? It has been a long, emotional, rough 8 years but the occasional and very rare "I love you, Mom" keeps me holding on.

Many hugs and prayers are coming your way! Going to the grocery store by yourself, or anywhere, and leaving difficult child with husband also helps. Don't make it an option, "I am going to the store, you need to look after difficult child." :wink:, and don't worry about what he's getting into while you're gone, husband will handle it (or not) and maybe he will see the light. Get yourself a coffee and shop away in peace. Laugh at all the other difficult child moms who brought their kids to the store and thank God you left yours at home! It's not a sin to be glad you're alone and in peace, it's a sin to NOT find the time to be alone and have some peace for your own sanity.

Cyndi

 

[Kjs]

Except when I get home difficult child won't be there. husband would have picked up friends and brought them to the movies, or mall, or difficult child will be at someones house. Like telling him it's ok, go ahead, disrespect your mother, yell at her, make her cry...I know you really didn't mean it so what would you like to do today. that is exactly what husband will do.

 

[CCRidr2]

But it would get you the break you NEED! I thought the same thing when I started doing it. After a few calls from friends moms to husband to come pick him up "he's beating up my son, etc" or difficult child coming home saying he was "bored" and then getting the call that he was SENT home he figured it out. If he was a bit older it would be the police calling, I have no doubt.

Dad's are men and they figure out how to farm the kids out so THEY can have some peace, WHY CAN'T WE? I know, age old question right?

Seriously though, you can't watch him 24/7/365 and stay sane. I tried and failed. You have to take care of your mental health so that you can take care of your difficult child. Many of us forget that until we get where you are right now. Hang in there, sweetie!

 

[Kathy813]

But...shouldn't he be a little bit responsible at this age?

Yes.

A seventh grader should be responsible for bringing a pencil to class.

in my opinion, If you want the school to handle it, then you need to be ready to let difficult child accept a zero for the assignment and back the consequences for being unprepared for class.

If not, then give the Special Education teacher 180 pencils and let her dole out one a day.

I know that as a teacher, I can't afford to provide all of my students with new pencils every day.

~Kathy

 

[rejectedmom]

I have been n your shoes re the school supplies and books. Here is how I handled it. I made up a supply box for him for each teacher and they were to keep it for him. I explained how he had gone through over a hundred dollars worth of supplies in less than a month and that I could not afford it at that rate so they either kept them for him or they did without. As for his text books, in some classes they gave me one to keep at home. In other classes that didn't have spare books someone copied the homework pages and sent them to me via email. There are usually aides and volenteers that can do this for the teacher but if not you could go in or send someone else in and ask for the work once a week. If any of the teachers balk at this solution ask for an IEP meeting bring it up there tell them what you are willing to do and have it written into the modifications. Demanding that a difficult child be more responsible is not always the best route to follow n cases such as this. -RM

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with both RM and Kathy. Either let him sink on the schoolwork or provide the supplies. Dont sweat it though. Just make up your mind what you are going to do and do it. It may be much less stressful for you to buy a gross of cheap pencils and send them to school for his teachers than to hear about it daily.

 

[nlg319]

I really hear you crying for help. I feel for you. It is so hard to keep doing the same crap day after day. They treat us so badly, some more and worse than others and it gets so draining. Sometimes I feel like why am I putting myself throught this? I don't know how others will react but in these past few months I've felt that if I knew that my life would be like this right now...I never would of had kids. BUT, I did and I do...and it is my responsibility as their parent to help them in the best way. I am at the stage of trying to figure out how...

There is light at the end of the tunnel...I promise!

 

[Kathy813]

RM ~ I'm not opposed to your suggestions but I am curious about what you think the teacher should say to the other students when they don't have a pencil and they watch you hand a difficult child a pencil each day. Believe me, they will be quick to point out that you gave so-and-so a pencil and not them.

The teacher can't say, "Oh, he has an IEP so he gets treated differently" because of privacy issues and the fact that you don't want to embarrass the student.

I truly would like suggestions on how to handle something like this. As we have more and more inclusion classes, exceptions made for special education students become touchy issues. In some cases, like an obvious asperger's student, the other kids don't question special treatment. However, most Special Education students blend in with the rest of the class (and as teachers we try to make sure that is the case) but then the other students don't understand the special treatment. It's a dilemma.

Janet ~ Speaking of embarrassing a child ~ I actually had a mom come to school and walk her high school son from class to class because he just couldn't seem to get to class on time. She only had to do it once. :grin:

~Kathy

 

[Crazy-Steph]

I may try making a supply kit for each class next year. My difficult child cannot keep up with things either. I even tried to make sure that his bag was supplied each night. But he would still tell the teacher he "forgot" his pencil in his locker. Or borrow paper from a neighbor because he drew on all of his. I think that the teacher could simply tell the other kids that his mother made a pack for him because she didn't want him borrowing from the other kids. If that is still too embarassing for the difficult child, then they should remember their own supplies! We pretty much did the tough love this year and our son is failing. Last six weeks, he only had two grades in Science that were not zeroes, and both of those were tests. He made a 30 on one and a 94 on the other. Does he know the material? I would say so. He just chooses not to turn anything in. Oh well. Maybe if he stays behind a year he will realize that he has to have some self motivation. Maybe not. :smile: I guess we will only find out next year.

 

[Kathy813]

Steph ~

I think that the teacher could simply tell the other kids that his mother made a pack for him because she didn't want him borrowing from the other kids.

I like that idea but I guarantee there are parents out there that would start screaming that the teacher "embarrassed" their poor child if they said that.

I don't think it would work.

Anymore suggestions?

~Kathy