input on this yukky teacher situation please

[Copabanana]

Will go back and read the balance of the thread but first write my thoughts (on phone) so briefly.

First. That she is his teacher changes everything and in many states makes sex Not consensual but criminal. Reference New jersey, Washington and Texas for example.

The role of teacher "imposes certain inherent duties....Teachers stand as surrogate parents...and should be educating not endangering."

Teachers having sex with 18 year olds are being prosecuted and convicted and said convictions are being upheld on appeal.

That said, I would not converse with Ferb. My way of seeing this is not to make him understand. He will not. It is to take a stand based upon parental responsibility that he not be preyed upon. If you were to see any other crime perpetrated on him or another person you would step forward. How is this different?

You may choose to stay silent with authorities which anybody would understand but I do not see how talking with him will help. I think your decision to stand back in lieu of your brother and ferbs therapist was a wise one. And brave and difficult.

 

[Copabanana]

I am not sure that for me putting the decision (and responsibility) in the hands of ferb's therapist is your best shot. I could see as preferable going to my own therapist and talking through what lies behind my reticence to take action and either reaffirming my choice to stay silent or deciding otherwise.

As I see the situation this is a conflict between you and you which is completely understandable given ferb's history, his dad's and your own. And your feelings and fears past and present.

If your state's legal code spells out that what might be happening is a crime, does that change things for you? Have you thought of setting aside the coffee cups (a la monica's blue dress)?

Again. I think you might make all of this more fraught if you widen the conversation, seeing this as something to talk about in the main. You suspect your son who is vulnerable is a crime victim and the perpetrator is somebody you believe may be a serial abuser. I agee with cheeryn. What is there to talk about? Yes. There are reasons to stay sidelined. But will talking to ferb help him or you?

 

[BusynMember]

I found this...sex laws in VA.

The Truth & Details About Sex Crimes in Virginia | Boyce & Leahy, Lawyers

Regardless of the so-called morality of turning in the teacher, if it is even possible to get action, I disagree that you MUST turn her in if it endangers Ferb. I would not. Not if my own parent/child relationship were at stake or if my adult child could commit suidide, which is in the family tree.Also, what if she is terminated? Well, there is NOTHING to stop Ferb from renouncing you forever and running to her, only to have worse consequences.

I adopted a six year old boy who decided to walk out on us in his late twenties. He has never come back. It is close to thirteen totally silent years. Yes, they can do this. This was done for far less than if you interferred in Ferb's relationship, in which there is no evidence there is even a sexual relationship going on. Neither will ever admit it, even if you take action...in my opinion they will bond together like Romeo and Juliet if you make a serious move...and for what? You can't prove anything.

This is no black and white. I would never do something t hat may harm my unstable adult children. Yes, I use tough love. No, I don't push them toward the edge. It is still not illegal in Virginia. Please don't feel pressure from me or anyone to do anything. This is of consequence only to you, not any of us. Sounds like this would possibly require a court battle that you can't win, if it is taken up at all.

I hope you can find peace in YOUR decision. It is YOURS only. You are not immoral or terrible if you don't say anything....nor if you do. in my opinion this is about Ferb first. You can always send a letter without or with your name at a better time. If you say anything, Ferb may not forgive you and his security blanket will be....HER!

Hugs to you

 

[Copabanana]

Just tried to check va law. Seems state is in the process of formulating a criminal statute to address the circumstance. A dozen states already have such a law it seems.

I do not mean to trivialize the angst and fear of this. I seem to live with my heart in my mouth (frothing and blood dripping from fangs) impotent to address the vulnerability of my son. Who is 28. Not 18.

But still I see YOUR situation clearly (such is the hazard of posting. Oh how brilliant we are with the problems of others.)

These are my questions: Can we be primarily our childrens' friends and teachers while we are still responsible to protect them under our roof? Do communication , privacy and respect have primacy here for ferb? What about for you? He seems to be sneaking into your house a grown woman. Do you not deserve from him the same things? By this I refer to the same privacy, communication and respect. Of course we cannot control how others behave towards us. But we can take a stand and state it.

If I were to have a conversation with my son in similar circumstances it might begin : I fear you are bringing somebody into the House when we are at the farm. I suspect it is your teacher. I want to let you know I believe this is deeply wrong on her part if this is the case.

But i would probably be hysterical, regretful and terrified as soon as I opened my mouth. I think this is kernel of truth for many of us. The sense we control the outcome and are responsible. The former is a fantasy the belief our acting or not can protect them. Or ensure they want us close.

 

[BusynMember]

In the process. It is not yet done.

Your son and Ferb are different. He is this close to cutting her off. His father and uncle comitted suicide putting him at much higher risk to do so himself. What you or I would do, which are different, has nothing to do with Pigless.

Pigless, just do what you feel you must do. For you and Ferb. What works for one doesnt work for another. Its 100% up to you and you know we will all support you. We get you are torn. No pressure. There is NO good answer here.

 

[Copabanana]

I agree with everything the above poster wrote. Except for one thing. Pigless realizes not acting may not protect her son. The Awfulness of this is that doing and saying nothing is an affirmative act and may have its own consequences. But I think I would not go to ferb's therapist. I would go to my own.

 

[BusynMember]

Saying something may make him worse. And she may lose his trust completely. And the teacher may not even get punished. So far there are no laws against what she may have done.. and it cant be proven.

There are no absolutes or guarantees in this or anything.

I will support Pigless. This is not easy. Sometimes we need to let go of our own issues and let them live. There is no right or wrong here.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

For what it's worth I agree with SWOT. Pigless will find the right decision and when she finds it she will act on it (or not).

 

[BusynMember]

For what it's worth I agree with SWOT. Pigless will find the right decision and when she finds it she will act on it (or not).

A last thought:we should not feel like screaming in hysteria and regret after we do something.if we are quietly sad, but know we did what was right for us and our fsmily, that is different. The hysteria reaction indicates indecision and fear.
No decision that causes that sort of reaction is a good choice by us. Our gut should be telling us we did the right thing and let us live with it.i dont feel any route that leaves us in that sort of anguish is a good choice. We do not have to talk to our grown kids about everything. We do not always need to tell them our moral stances...if they are not thriving, they wont listen. Even if they are easy kids no adult child listens to a nagging, bossy parent. That does cause alienation.

I learned to ask "Are you asking for my feedback or just venting?"

If what you do makes you feel horrible/hysterical...in my opinion it should not be our reaction, but set aside for a reaction from us that we can live with.

None of us can save the world. I dont think this teacher is anywhere near right in picking on a student 18 or not, but I dont think 40 year old men who, by virtue of years alive, know more than 18 year olds, should prey on any 18 year old. But they legally can and do.

We have to choke on it sometimes if we want to help our adult kids. It would be far worse for Ferb if he stopped saying anything to his mother. His support system would be the teacher.

Just my thoughts.

 

[susiestar]

I would think twice before going to Ferb's therapist. Why? This is the person that FERB goes to and trusts to spill his guts to. At least to some degree. If he feels that you are going and talking to his therapist, and if his therapist is talking to you, he may feel that he cannot trust his therapist. It could poison the well, so to speak. I don't know how deep Ferb's trust issues go.

If Ferb becomes mistrustful of this therapist, he may refuse to see any therapist at all. This would be a disaster. I would not take that chance at this point. I would wait until a more critical point or until Ferb invited me to speak to his therapist with him. If I needed to contact his therapist with information, I would send a letter. The therapist can choose to use the information or not as he sees fit.

There is only a month or so until school is back in session. I would do my best to be patient that long, galling as it is. Then Ferb will be involved in college life and the teacher will have a new crop of teenage boys to tempt her. This will be a time of change, and it may be the time for the relationship to die off naturally, or for you to take some sort of action.

I honestly don't know if I would go to the law. I would probably go to the school board and state licensing board. Maybe the media. Probably all at once. I would for dang sure go to Mr. X with this info.

Why not ask the neighbor to let you know the next time they see the car at your house? Then you can drive to your house and "stop in" to see Ferb and 'catch' him and Mrs. X in the act? It would certainly end some of the uncertainty if you want to bring it to a head. Or install a cheap security system with online monitoring so that you can see when her car is there and you don't have to ask the neighbor to call you. Just a couple of outside cameras that you can monitor from your tablet would do it. Install them when Ferb isn't home.

I do think that if this goes to the media and the story breaks, more than a few people will come forward. I doubt that this was the first year that she ahs done this.

 

[Copabanana]

I hate what she is doing and the pain and fear she is causing.

 

[pigless in VA]

susiestar, you are right in that Ferb needs his therapist to be for him. Before this story did break in the news, I emailed a well known psychologist who is an expert in the field of predators to ask her what she thinks I should do. I don't have a response yet.

Now that another boy has come forward, perhaps it will be easier for Ferb to process. We'll see.

 

[Copabanana]

I do not understand. Has another boy come forward about THIS teacher or another one at his school/town?

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Susie, it is this specific teacher. She was having sex with an underage boy and was caught. Pigless started a new thread to discuss this development.

 

[pigless in VA]

Yep. She's been caught. by the way, the expert psychologist was no help whatsoever.