It's been a really long time.........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bran155, Mar 19, 2013.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello everyone! Wow, it's been so long, I feel a bit guilty for reaching out now seeing as though I have stayed away for so long. Hope everyone is doing well, or as well as can be expected anyway. I see a lot of familiar faces (so to speak), hoping good things have been happening for all of you! My story, unfortunately, just keeps getting worse and worse, no good news to report.

    My daughter is now 22 and is a complete mess! Many things have happened, she did two, one year, bids in jail, she had a gun held to her head (she is quite lucky to be alive), she has been kicked out of a group home and lost all services, she has gotten on a bus and went down the east coast on three separate occasions (I paid for her to get back home all three times....I know, I know, STUPID), she has been posting inappropriate pics, videos and profiles all over the internet.......and all kinds of other fun things have happened in between. Oh, did I mention that she was arrested for prostitution??? Yeah, it's been a real blast around here!

    She has now become a recluse, has not left my house in three months! And it has been absolute HELL! She is completely delusional and paranoid. She has wrapped her tv in towels and placed in face down on the floor because she thinks that everyone in the tv can see her. She thinks they are all out to get her! She thinks the basketball team, The Lakers, are mad at her because she was rooting for another team and now they want her dead! She thinks the illuminaty (sp?) are after her. She thinks that all the cars on the roads are trying to kill her. She thinks the planes that fly over our house are spying on her. She thinks we are poisoning her food so she will not eat unless she serves herself. She thinks that my sister and I are mad at her because we think that she wants our men (her step father of 14 years)! She rages every single day, most of the day! She has become completely unbearable! She gets angry because she thinks we are in on the conspiracy and "what kind of mother am I if I'm not helping her fend these evil doers off". It's so bad, as bad as it has ever been. Our lives are in total disarray! We are at the point where we cannot be in the same room with her for more than TWO minutes without her going off on us, accusing us of being a part of this huge plan the universe has to get her! The stuff that comes out of her mouth when she is raging at us is absolutely DISGUSTING! I wouldn't even repeat here, just horrible! I am completely burnt out! Fifteen years later and I am spent! I just don't have it in me to battle anymore. I find myself saying horrible things back to her in defense. While I am lashing out I know I shouldn't be. I know that she can't help it and that to her this is real, these crazy thoughts that consume her mind are very real to her, yet I have completely lost patience, I am losing the battle with myself to control my own temper. Of course afterward I sit with horrible guilt for stooping so low. I am constantly on this emotional roller coaster that I cannot get off of! I go from anger, frustration, utter sadness, despair to feeling so sorry for her, so heartbroken for my baby girl.....right back to anger! HELP ME GET OFF THIS **** RIDE!!!

    I must mention that she is not in any kind of treatment or on any medications! She was released from jail last June and has been in my home since without health insurance. I tried to get her medicaid before she left jail, but that didn't happen. We all know how well the mentally ill get treated in jail! So she came home with nothing! It took me NINE MONTHS to get her medicaid!!! She kept getting denied! I finally got somewhere after I called the commissioner of the Dept. of Social Services. Long story short she has medicaid, however we are still waiting for the HMO portion to go through. She has finally agreed to take some medications. (what a difference being a care giver to an "adult" as opposed to a "minor", that will be separate rant) The thing is, she wants no part of the clinic experience or the hospital experience, she wants a private psychiatrist! So, I have patiently been waiting for her HMO card so that I could try to get her into a private doctor. She has always been non compliant, refused medications and therapy. Every time I forced it on her she only rebelled and later stopped participating. So now I am willing, should I say, WAS willing, to wait to get her into a doctor. It has gotten so bad, I just can't wait any longer. I have a crisis team coming out to the house on Monday. They say they can access the situation and try to fill our needs within the community. She may qualify for at home services, a therapist and a doctor to prescribe medications right from my house.

    Meantime, I am a total basket case!!! I have fallen apart, yet again! I have contemplated suicide many times, however, I could never actually go through with it, ironically I couldn't do that to either one of my kids! I cry all the time. Sleep as much as possible, although I can only sleep for short periods of time as I cannot fully relax myself. I have racing thoughts. I can't relax. I can't focus. I'm sinking! I know you're gonna, I am not in therapy or on any medications. I KNOW, I SHOULD BE! The team that is coming to my house on Monday is going to help ME as well. I do need help for myself, I know I do.

    I have often thought about reaching out, truthfully, I don't know what has taken me so long! I hope you all will forgive me for disappearing for a while! And I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope that your stories have taken a much better turn than mine has!

  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No forgiveness necessary. We are always here to help and listen. So glad you have a team coming Monday. Your daughter needs to be inpatient. No doubt.
  3. Bran - We have never met before but I just want to come in and offer a big cyber hug and a shoulder to lean on. I can't imagine the pain that your family is going through right now.

    I hope and pray that this crisis team will be able to provide your daughter with some immediate help and for yourself as well. Hang in there.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back Bran, I'm glad you got here but of course, sorry for all the incredible heartache and despair you have gone through. It's very good that the Crisis team will be there for you on Monday. It sounds as if you will both be helped with medication and therapy. I think the most important thing for you to do now is to focus all your energy on YOU and what you need. Once your daughter has leveled out, it is imperative that you keep yourself in some kind of counseling and put yourself first. Taking care of a mentally ill person, especially our child, is monumentally depleting, demoralizing, devastating and just filled with so many feelings of resentment, sorrow, grief.......... all of it. You need some time to step back from all of it and learn to nurture yourself. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it truly is a nightmare. Hopefully, as of Monday you will begin to wake up from this nightmare and get your life back. Sending you many, gentle and caring hugs.............
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I've been where you are at--only it was my husband (X now, thankfully). He wasn't as far into the delusions as your daughter, but it got bad. "They" had the house bugged, phone tapped, monitoring computer, sneaking in at night, poisoning his food, following him, etc. He had delusional disorder, persucatory type, just like your daughter. It often comes on very suddenly and out of nowhere.

    It is treated with anti-psycotics, often the same ones used for schizophrenia. The medications help a lot if they will stay on them.

    I remember how awful it was living like that. Not only having to listen to the delusions, but then to be accused of being an accomplice to 'them'. Trying not to do anything to set them off. Sleepless nights worrying.

    Ihave a 25yo daughter who has been diagnosed BiPolar (same as dad). She has been doing very well, college grad with a Masters, worked through college, now a good job. But it's been stressful, and just last night she called crying, saying she is scared shes becoming like dad. She said she thinks people are talking about her at work and she felt like the car drove funny on the way home. She has thoughts that someone did something to it, but she knows that is irrational. But she is scared. I am scared.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Bran. I don't remember you, but nice to "meet" you.

    Let me take a wild guess. She won't go for any mental health treatment, right?
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi and welcome home!!!

    I do remember you, but as you said it's been quite a while. I am glad you have the crisis team available... I can (unfortunately) imagine only too well how awful it is. The paranoia especially.

  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Bran, welcome back. I remember you and your daughter's story. So glad you found your way back, no apologies needed.

    Goodness, what an ordeal! I'm glad to hear that you have a crisis team available. It is so hard when you're living with someone who is so far divorced from reality. It's heartbreaking, and scary, and so very painful. I'm not surprised you're having trouble keeping it together. Please be sure to take care of yourself as best you can -- once your difficult child's crisis team is in place, take some time to look after your needs. Situational depression can come about from far less than you're having to deal with -- you might want to find a psychiatrist or therapist for yourself, just to get through this.

    Many gentle hugs. As always, this is a soft place to land.
  9. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you for the support ladies, much appreciated! I'm trying to hang on til Monday. I want to wait until Monday because I don't want to be alone with her when the crisis team shows up, need my sis for support and she can't take any time off of work this week. In the meantime I will try to keep calm, try my best not to engage. I will def let you all know how it goes!

    Thanks again! xo
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome back bran.

    I know difficult child has several dxes............but I want to put something out there for you to seriously consider given her symptoms, as well as her age. Schizophrenia. Possible schizoeffective due to the mood disorder. If she is willing to go back onto medications (keeping fingers crossed for you that this happens) I think a totally new evaluation is in order. You could be seeing the onset of paranoid schizo, I know I lived with it throughout my childhood. An accurate diagnosis makes for much more effective treatment so wanted to put it out there for you to research/consider. (I have no problem thinking my mom could've easily had several dxes prior to the actual full blown onset of the schizo)

    I'm sorry things have deteriorated to such a state with difficult child. I hope she is cooperative with treatment, although given her current state I doubt you'd have too much issue with a forced admit.

  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest


    I was thinking the same thing, Paranoid Schizophrenia! I hate the diagnosis maze just as much as I hate the medication maze. I have never been truly comfortable with the Bipolar diagnosis. She has never had classic symptoms of any of the "polars". Not to mention, the medications never really worked for her either. I believe wholeheartedly that she is a Borderline, that I never questioned. This paranoia is fairly new, she's had it now for about 6 months. It is hell on all of us, I know it has to be devastating for her. It is nearly impossible to have any sort of real conversation with her, she's just so illogical at this point. It's quite sad to watch! No matter what I say, I'm "being a bad mother" because I'm not doing anything to stop the world from torturing her! It's so frustrating. How can one be logical with someone who is completely illogical.......IMPOSSIBLE! Hopefully Monday will be the start of something positive. She has agreed to take medications, BUT only "anxiety" medication. She has said that will not take a whole bunch of medications, she only wants to take one medication. Well, she will be getting an ultimatum once we get the ball rolling with treatment......either she complies or she packs, up to her. If she refuses than she can find someplace else to live. We are all at our whits end, just cannot do this anymore. We would all have much more tolerance if she was at least trying, but if she's not gonna try than she'll have to go. Sounds good, right??? I sound all tough now, but when it comes down to it........yeah, not so tough!

    Thanks for the support, I will keep ya posted! xo
  12. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Many years ago, I had a relative with the same symptoms. Back then, they called it schizophrenic manic depression. In today's words Schizophrenic & Bipolar. Sending positive thoughts for things to go well on Monday.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    There are some characteristics of the paranoid schizo that greatly resemble Borderline (BPD).

    psychiatrist are extremely leery of handing out a schizo diagnosis (even if they know the person has it) before adulthood. Doesn't mean the symptoms don't often start appearing much earlier......just means they don't feel comfortable laying such a heavy diagnosis onto a child.

    I'll keep you all in my prayers.

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back Bran. I have wondered how you were doing and am so sorry it hasnt been good.

    It does sound to me like schizoaffective which is like a combo of bipolar and schizophrenia. Awful to live with I know because we are pretty much convinced that is what my mother had although she never was diagnosed.

    Hope this crisis team is able to be of some help.
  15. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hi Janet! I left you a "hello" on your profile page. :bigsmile:

    Thank you all so much for the support, prayers and hugs, much needed! I will let you all know how Monday goes, hopefully I can last til then!
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good advice above. I think you should busy yourself with writing down or printing out and adding to everything you said above. It will be important to have info ready for the psychiatrists. Other than that, do something for yourself to relax. You are on the way to help and that must feel good. So, relax and know you are being the best parent by getting her the help she needs. Even if she does not appreciate it. HUGS!
  17. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you so much! I do feel better knowing that there is a plan in place, maybe, just maybe, they'll be a small flicker of light at the end of the tunnel! xo