B
bran155
Guest
Hello everyone! Wow, it's been so long, I feel a bit guilty for reaching out now seeing as though I have stayed away for so long. Hope everyone is doing well, or as well as can be expected anyway. I see a lot of familiar faces (so to speak), hoping good things have been happening for all of you! My story, unfortunately, just keeps getting worse and worse, no good news to report.
My daughter is now 22 and is a complete mess! Many things have happened, she did two, one year, bids in jail, she had a gun held to her head (she is quite lucky to be alive), she has been kicked out of a group home and lost all services, she has gotten on a bus and went down the east coast on three separate occasions (I paid for her to get back home all three times....I know, I know, STUPID), she has been posting inappropriate pics, videos and profiles all over the internet.......and all kinds of other fun things have happened in between. Oh, did I mention that she was arrested for prostitution??? Yeah, it's been a real blast around here!
She has now become a recluse, has not left my house in three months! And it has been absolute HELL! She is completely delusional and paranoid. She has wrapped her tv in towels and placed in face down on the floor because she thinks that everyone in the tv can see her. She thinks they are all out to get her! She thinks the basketball team, The Lakers, are mad at her because she was rooting for another team and now they want her dead! She thinks the illuminaty (sp?) are after her. She thinks that all the cars on the roads are trying to kill her. She thinks the planes that fly over our house are spying on her. She thinks we are poisoning her food so she will not eat unless she serves herself. She thinks that my sister and I are mad at her because we think that she wants our men (her step father of 14 years)! She rages every single day, most of the day! She has become completely unbearable! She gets angry because she thinks we are in on the conspiracy and "what kind of mother am I if I'm not helping her fend these evil doers off". It's so bad, as bad as it has ever been. Our lives are in total disarray! We are at the point where we cannot be in the same room with her for more than TWO minutes without her going off on us, accusing us of being a part of this huge plan the universe has to get her! The stuff that comes out of her mouth when she is raging at us is absolutely DISGUSTING! I wouldn't even repeat here, just horrible! I am completely burnt out! Fifteen years later and I am spent! I just don't have it in me to battle anymore. I find myself saying horrible things back to her in defense. While I am lashing out I know I shouldn't be. I know that she can't help it and that to her this is real, these crazy thoughts that consume her mind are very real to her, yet I have completely lost patience, I am losing the battle with myself to control my own temper. Of course afterward I sit with horrible guilt for stooping so low. I am constantly on this emotional roller coaster that I cannot get off of! I go from anger, frustration, utter sadness, despair to feeling so sorry for her, so heartbroken for my baby girl.....right back to anger! HELP ME GET OFF THIS **** RIDE!!!
I must mention that she is not in any kind of treatment or on any medications! She was released from jail last June and has been in my home since without health insurance. I tried to get her medicaid before she left jail, but that didn't happen. We all know how well the mentally ill get treated in jail! So she came home with nothing! It took me NINE MONTHS to get her medicaid!!! She kept getting denied! I finally got somewhere after I called the commissioner of the Dept. of Social Services. Long story short she has medicaid, however we are still waiting for the HMO portion to go through. She has finally agreed to take some medications. (what a difference being a care giver to an "adult" as opposed to a "minor", that will be separate rant) The thing is, she wants no part of the clinic experience or the hospital experience, she wants a private psychiatrist! So, I have patiently been waiting for her HMO card so that I could try to get her into a private doctor. She has always been non compliant, refused medications and therapy. Every time I forced it on her she only rebelled and later stopped participating. So now I am willing, should I say, WAS willing, to wait to get her into a doctor. It has gotten so bad, I just can't wait any longer. I have a crisis team coming out to the house on Monday. They say they can access the situation and try to fill our needs within the community. She may qualify for at home services, a therapist and a doctor to prescribe medications right from my house.
Meantime, I am a total basket case!!! I have fallen apart, yet again! I have contemplated suicide many times, however, I could never actually go through with it, ironically I couldn't do that to either one of my kids! I cry all the time. Sleep as much as possible, although I can only sleep for short periods of time as I cannot fully relax myself. I have racing thoughts. I can't relax. I can't focus. I'm sinking! I know you're gonna ask......no, I am not in therapy or on any medications. I KNOW, I SHOULD BE! The team that is coming to my house on Monday is going to help ME as well. I do need help for myself, I know I do.
I have often thought about reaching out, truthfully, I don't know what has taken me so long! I hope you all will forgive me for disappearing for a while! And I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope that your stories have taken a much better turn than mine has!
xo
My daughter is now 22 and is a complete mess! Many things have happened, she did two, one year, bids in jail, she had a gun held to her head (she is quite lucky to be alive), she has been kicked out of a group home and lost all services, she has gotten on a bus and went down the east coast on three separate occasions (I paid for her to get back home all three times....I know, I know, STUPID), she has been posting inappropriate pics, videos and profiles all over the internet.......and all kinds of other fun things have happened in between. Oh, did I mention that she was arrested for prostitution??? Yeah, it's been a real blast around here!
She has now become a recluse, has not left my house in three months! And it has been absolute HELL! She is completely delusional and paranoid. She has wrapped her tv in towels and placed in face down on the floor because she thinks that everyone in the tv can see her. She thinks they are all out to get her! She thinks the basketball team, The Lakers, are mad at her because she was rooting for another team and now they want her dead! She thinks the illuminaty (sp?) are after her. She thinks that all the cars on the roads are trying to kill her. She thinks the planes that fly over our house are spying on her. She thinks we are poisoning her food so she will not eat unless she serves herself. She thinks that my sister and I are mad at her because we think that she wants our men (her step father of 14 years)! She rages every single day, most of the day! She has become completely unbearable! She gets angry because she thinks we are in on the conspiracy and "what kind of mother am I if I'm not helping her fend these evil doers off". It's so bad, as bad as it has ever been. Our lives are in total disarray! We are at the point where we cannot be in the same room with her for more than TWO minutes without her going off on us, accusing us of being a part of this huge plan the universe has to get her! The stuff that comes out of her mouth when she is raging at us is absolutely DISGUSTING! I wouldn't even repeat here, just horrible! I am completely burnt out! Fifteen years later and I am spent! I just don't have it in me to battle anymore. I find myself saying horrible things back to her in defense. While I am lashing out I know I shouldn't be. I know that she can't help it and that to her this is real, these crazy thoughts that consume her mind are very real to her, yet I have completely lost patience, I am losing the battle with myself to control my own temper. Of course afterward I sit with horrible guilt for stooping so low. I am constantly on this emotional roller coaster that I cannot get off of! I go from anger, frustration, utter sadness, despair to feeling so sorry for her, so heartbroken for my baby girl.....right back to anger! HELP ME GET OFF THIS **** RIDE!!!
I must mention that she is not in any kind of treatment or on any medications! She was released from jail last June and has been in my home since without health insurance. I tried to get her medicaid before she left jail, but that didn't happen. We all know how well the mentally ill get treated in jail! So she came home with nothing! It took me NINE MONTHS to get her medicaid!!! She kept getting denied! I finally got somewhere after I called the commissioner of the Dept. of Social Services. Long story short she has medicaid, however we are still waiting for the HMO portion to go through. She has finally agreed to take some medications. (what a difference being a care giver to an "adult" as opposed to a "minor", that will be separate rant) The thing is, she wants no part of the clinic experience or the hospital experience, she wants a private psychiatrist! So, I have patiently been waiting for her HMO card so that I could try to get her into a private doctor. She has always been non compliant, refused medications and therapy. Every time I forced it on her she only rebelled and later stopped participating. So now I am willing, should I say, WAS willing, to wait to get her into a doctor. It has gotten so bad, I just can't wait any longer. I have a crisis team coming out to the house on Monday. They say they can access the situation and try to fill our needs within the community. She may qualify for at home services, a therapist and a doctor to prescribe medications right from my house.
Meantime, I am a total basket case!!! I have fallen apart, yet again! I have contemplated suicide many times, however, I could never actually go through with it, ironically I couldn't do that to either one of my kids! I cry all the time. Sleep as much as possible, although I can only sleep for short periods of time as I cannot fully relax myself. I have racing thoughts. I can't relax. I can't focus. I'm sinking! I know you're gonna ask......no, I am not in therapy or on any medications. I KNOW, I SHOULD BE! The team that is coming to my house on Monday is going to help ME as well. I do need help for myself, I know I do.
I have often thought about reaching out, truthfully, I don't know what has taken me so long! I hope you all will forgive me for disappearing for a while! And I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope that your stories have taken a much better turn than mine has!
xo