Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Oct 4, 2010.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi Everyone,

    My son had court today on this latest stupid stunt he and his friend pulled Sat night. Given that he is on probation and has several other cases and was just in court two weeks ago they revoked his bail on the two previous cases. So he is in jail for at least two weeks until the next hearing.

    I have such mixed emotions. On one hand I think this had to happen and in fact agree with the decision. Nothing else was getting through to him and maybe this will. I was afraid that once again the court would not do anything and then he would just get arrested again and dig himself deeper. I mean he is not learning and so this may be the only way.

    Yet when it actually happened my mommy heart broke. I feel so bad for him. I know he is scared. I know it will not be a pleasant place. It is going to be really hard for him. I am scared for him there. He kept his tough act on... we shall see if after a few days that cracks. I hope so to be honest.

    I am also so disgusted and mad at him for all his stupid choices.

    The one thing I don't feel is guilty. I know that even with my parenting mistakes I did not cause this. This was his doing and his alone. I have a daughter who is doing great. Many kids have very messed up home lives and do not do the stuff he does. It is very clear to me this is not my fault. So all that is good.

    But this board is the one place that I know other parents who have gone through this. I would love to hear any words of wisdom about how you take care of yourself when your kid is in jail. I know that I need to live my life and be there for my daughter but I would love to hear how others have done this.
  2. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    As a Mom, it is so hard to go through all of this junk, but rememeber, he did this to himself! You've tried to help and he refused to listen. Now, he suffers from his decisions. And it breaks your heart, so you need to take care of yourself.

    The following is a quote from our lovely Star that helps me do that. Hope it helps you too.

    (thanks Star, hope you don't mind me sharing your words. I have your saying taped to my desk as a daily reminder, it's helped me a lot.)
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    {{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

    I know it hurts and how difficult it is to separate yourself from their decisions. You're doing a really good job.

    I hope that it will help him to see that he never wants to be there again.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are right, you didn't cause it, you can't control and and you can't cure it. That is what I live by now. My difficult child just got out of rehab after 60 days. It was the most peaceful two months we have had in 19 years. During that time I learned that she has to handle her own life and I have to take care of myself.

    I wish they had an al-anon for parents of kids in jail.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am not going to kid you and say that this will be easy on any of you. It will be incredibly hard. I dont know where you live but I am assuming he is in a county jail. This is not a prison, which in all honesty are actually better facilities. In some jails you will be able to see him during visitation through glass and talk on the phone person to person. In others, it is simply a video link where you see him and talk via phone. He has to put you on a list to visit in both cases. Decide now if you are going to take phone calls. In most situations you can set up a phone account through some outside agency (down here its called paytel, I think) and you put so much on the account and they get to talk for like 10 minutes for a set amount of money. That means you dont get a ton of long distance charges on your phone bill.

    Also decide if you are going to put money on his canteen account. We always did. They dont get a ton of food in there plus they really need to buy stuff like deoderant and toothpaste. Even an extra tee shirt. So we did put a few bucks on his account. Not a whole lot because ours doesnt serve stuff like Casey Anthony can buy...lol....but he got to buy some chips or snack cakes and some juice boxes. Also at one jail they allowed us to take books in to him but another didnt. They had to approve the books but that was okay.
  6. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I empathize with every feeling that is in your heart. My son is in jail and his bail is 752, 100 .. .. ..
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

  8. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    Circumstances here made me think of you, toughlovin .. .. .. how are you holding up?
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Like many others, I understand. Each of us has to choose our degree of contact. I accepted calls....way too many local calls with charges for each. I sent money for his canteen account (they subtracted the cost of any medical visits). My choice was
    not to visit. When he was in juvie I visited. When he went to big boy jail I didn't. Choose what feel ok to you.

    Although I agree with Janet that local jail often isn't too bad I have to admit that my easy child/difficult child gets along with everyone from the thuggiest to the most mild. My difficult child, oth, would truly be frightened and or behaving inappropriately due to his Aspergers. If...Lordy, I hope not...he ever gets locked up I would have to visit just so he would have emotional support.

    Sending caring thoughts of support. DDD
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well local jail is not too bad terror-wise when you think of gang rapes and stuff like that. That is the prison situations. However, prison is much more organized as far as schooling, working, mental health treatment. If you are in local jail you get nothing but 3 hots and a cot. And that is a maybe...most likely is two cold meals and one hot meal.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks for asking CTMom..... I think jail might have been the best thing that ever happened to my difficult child. He hated it. He was bored to death. I don't think he ever really felt unsafe but he was transferred because the first jail was so overcrowded. So he was transferred to the jail section of the house of correction. There he had his own cell which he liked but they were locked in their cells 20 hours a day and he was bored to death. Boredom has never been something he tolerated well. So what it did was make him realize he had to do something differently. We told him he could not come home until he had treatment. so those two things made him willingly agree to drug rehab!!! We went to court and he has a stiff suspended sentence hanging over him, probation with drug screens and he was ordered to go into a 90 day tx program. I love it. It means now the ones with the heavy hammer is the court not mom and dad!!! So we took him to a tx program out of state on Monday and we will go from there. I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders at least for the time being.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Will keep him in my prayers that he is ready for this and is successful. Will keep you in my prayers as well as I know how hard this is.

  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I will keep your family in my prayers. When my gfgbro was finally willing to go to rehab to address his alcoholism it only took 1 time through to have him firmly embracing the 12 step life. Being a difficult child, my gfgbro had a full helping of stubbornness. When it was finally aimed at sobriety it was a force to be reckoned with. It may take more than one round of rehab, but in my opinion our difficult children have a higher chance of succeeding once they finally decide to stop abusing their substance of choice. All the determination that had them POSITIVE that those who said they were doing the wrong things were wrong, and kept them doing what they wanted to do, kicks in and they use it to help keep themselves clean and sober and attending meetings - even if they get pressure from friends or others to go and drink/drug.

    Hope that came out somewhat clearly. All I know is that most of the research I did when gfgbro went into rehab said that it takes many trips through rehab before an alcoholic or addict can stay clean and sober, but my gfgbro was able to use his very difficult child stubborn qualities to his advantage to keep from relapsing.

    Please know that you truly are NOT at fault, this was a combination of your son's genetics and choices. It would be helpful if you and/or husband were to go to alanon or narcanon because addiction truly is a family disease. You will need to learn new ways to have a relationship with him. His chances of a sober life go up dramatically if the family goes to alanon/narcanon. For the future, the one thing that my gfgbro says has helped more than anything else is that we, the family, have NEVER made it hard for him if he wants/needs to go to a meeting and needs someone to watch his daughter. Even if it is short notice, and even after 7 years of sobriety all he has to do is ask. I never thought anything of it until he said something to me about a year ago. I knew his ex's family hasgiven her a hard time about going to meetings after she went to rehab, and the more often she went the more pressure they applied because they thought she should just be able to stop needing support.

    Whatever happens, I hope that your family can learn new habits and patterns and begin to heal.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks. There is a parent alanon meeting we have been meaning to go to and haven't made it yet... But you are right we need to do that so I will make a point of that with my husband next week!! I hope you are right that his difficult child traits will turn towards staying sober! That is a very hopeful thought. I think for my son the possible jail sentence hanging over his head is a real strong motivator. I think a two week taste of jail was enough for him and he wants to stay out of jail. Right now he is talking about staying sober until he is 21 (2 years from now) but that gives him a lot of time to really embrace sobriety... He is not there yet by any means but this is a start. I just hope once he is done with the 90 day treatment that he will do their aftercare because that would give him more support. I think coming home is not a good idea for him.
  15. Bean

    Bean Member

    Glad to hear things are stable right now and looking positive for your son. I can understand your mixed feelings about jai (I had the same ones). It wasn't as "successful" for my daughter, though. I hope things continue well for you.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know I'm wishing the best for your difficult child toughloving and hoping he gets everything he can out of rehab. As the counselor told us with difficult child, there is a lot of work to be done here, rehab will be over before you know it so not one moment can be lost. I saw you posted on another thread that he still has his cell phone in rehab. Is that allowed? difficult child was not allowed to have her cell phone until she got into extended care after thirty days. And even then she only has it two days before the counselor took it away and gave it to us. Cell phones can cause a lot of problems in rehab and be a source of distraction from the program so I was just wondering.

    The outpatient program she is in after rehab is excellent and we credit that for why the transition home has been so smooth. I do hope your son goes into the aftercare. Ours also used halfway and three quarter houses when they were released if home was not a good option right away.

    Susie your comments help me so much. We have dropped everything on a dime to get difficult child to a meeting. We have given her all the support and encoragment possible and are attending out own meetings. She told us that if we were not attending meetings and willing to take her to hers she would probably not be as willing to go. As it is she is going to a meeting almost every night. She has found one on every day of the week that she likes and if searching for more. She has even been instrumental in getting a fellow IOP woman to a meeting last night because she is struggling with urges to drink. This woman has called my difficult child her angel. difficult child has told us that she feels accepted at these meetings and that is something that she has struggled with for years. Every meeting she goes to brings her one step further away from alocohol and one step closer to sobriety.

  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I was surprised about the cell phone too. I think the philosophy is they treat them like adults but they do monitor their cell phones and they cannot be used at all while they are in therapy or a group etc. It is also something they will take away if it is a problem. I think because the program is so small and personal they can get a sense of how distracting it is. I know he can be kind of obsessive about it so we shall see if it turns into a problem. I am glad he is there for 90 days and so has longer to work on things. I think he is going to need the time. And I am hoping hoping hoping he stays down there and does their aftercare program down there.
  18. OTE

    OTE Active Member

    You might want to think about researching halfway houses or similar programs near you. In my experience ages of the residents can vary. eg if he's in a program now with people his age you may want to look for a sober living program which also has people his age. Could be harder for him to make new relationships locally if he doesn't connect with a young sober group.