Juggling Detachment/Love/Acceptance/Hope/Fear

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by seek, Jun 28, 2017.

  1. seek

    seek Member

    How do you do this?

    If the alcoholic/addict sobers up and makes promises, I always "hope" they will find long-term recovery.

    If I let go completely and have no contact, then I also detach from active hope (it's still lingering inside of me, never to be extinguished).

    I am a very curious, intuitive person who is an amateur detective . . . I can be hypervigilent and look for "signs" that my loved one is "safe" or "alive." (Check Facebook to see if he's logged in . . . interpret Instagram posts and "likers" . . . it's crazy).

    After the most recent relapse I told him I can't see him until he has some solid recovery under his belt. He texted me and I did respond (with encouragement, as is my habit). He then called me and ask if he could have his last check sent to me and I said "yes" (didn't discuss anything else). I am normally very nosy and inquisitive . . . and have stopped that, as it never accomplished anything positive.

    My biggest thing is WONDERING . . . where is he? Where is he sleeping? Did he eat? Who is he associating with? Is he okay? Has he relapsed again or is he staying sober?

    I am trying to adopt new ideas about what I tell myself is happening, so I can have more acceptance (very philosophical things about "why we are all here," etc.

    I would like to hear any tips for handling letting go and "not knowing." How do you handle your curiosity and do you reach out to see if he/she is still alive or do you just wait until they contact you?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    One thing i know is that even when you talk to him you dont know about his life. Drug users lie. Ask my daughter who used to use.

    You cant know what another person does by their words. Addicylts by nature want our money so they say what they think we want to hear to get favors. Them not having eaten for three days is a big one...although drug users are usually not hungry and dont WANT to eat. Thats partly why they are so pale and

    Having said that, It is easy to find food...many food pantries and shelters. Also they do get money. They either panhandle or garbage dive to find receipts from, say, Walmart, see if any good items are on the receipt, then go to the store, find the item and pretend to return it for cash. Common ways for addicts to get money. Not the only rather slimey ways. Drugs encourage bad, illegal, desperate behavior. Never think "Even on drugs he wouldnt do that."

    Maybe realizing that talking tp your son is not a true path to his life can help you detach.

    Hugs and have a peaceful night. Your son is resourceful and street smart like all drug addicts. You cant change him. You can only change you and how you react to him.

    My daughter quit a long time ago but I found out I had known nothing about what she did during her drug days, although I thought I knew. After hearing what she did, im glad I never did know the truth. It would have destoyed me. Sometimes not knowing is better as there is nothing you can do anyway.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2017
  3. seek

    seek Member

    Thanks. It's my grandson, but I helped raise him and we've been very close, so I'm more of a surrogate parent.

    I did not understand your second to last paragraph, if you care to elaborate.

    Just looking for tips about how to quell curiosity/worry, and what to think instead.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The adult kids who use know how to survive even on the streets. They may not do what we like but they do eat, often couch surf, and certainly find money for drugs. They do this even if we give them free room and board. They are not innocent. Drugs, and the constant fight to get money for their habit, hardens them. My daughter lived with us most of her drug days and still managed to get into tons of trouble. Even danger.

    Once we made her leave, she quit. It doesnt always work this way, but it did for us.