just an update on whats been going on..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gwenny, Apr 16, 2009.

  1. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    I have been gone for a little while. My son went to visit his grandparents, which is what I feel he needed. He got spoiled by my parents and brother. His trip was all about him finally. So when I got to the airport my mom surprised me with a visit for 1 month. I could not belive she was here. She is here until next thursday and so glad to have a little break every night. It's been really great having her here seeing as difficult child is still in the group home we still have to attend meetings with the dr, psychiatric team and group home. At some points I wonder what is more stressful having difficult child live at home or attending all the meetings!!

    Well we have been writing letters to anyone and everyone who will listen. We did get one response from our senator which has us a little excited (but have learned very fast not to believe it until you see it.)

    difficult child was moved to the 9th grade last 1 1/2 weeks ago, against our request to leave him in the 8th grade. I called the group home like I do every night to see how he's doing and they actually told me that difficult child was taken in for a random drug test and confessed to smoking pot at school... Then while at the dr's office awaiting the drug test he stole candy that was for sale at the dr's office and when he was caught and told to put it back he opened the candy and stuck it in his mouth. (typical) So he was put on a ZERO level which is no privledges and tons of yard work. He was also in trouble for screaming at the manager of the group home and cursing.
    He's also doing things to provoke the other boys in the home like licking his lips at them and talking about certain body parts.

    In the meetings with the dr he feels that difficult child cannot come home as he is clearly a danger to us. He has recomended this facility that he feels would be really good. So we looked into it and of course they do not except insurance only cps or court ordered or you can pay yourself at a cost of 150.00 a day for a minimum of 11 months. Well that went at the window who can afford this, and if I could I would be on a cruise around the world.

    So now I called the principal of the high school to find out how he was able to get a hold of pot. His response was it's a huge problem in that school. I said well I want to know where he had the time, so if you could please check his attendance and see if he was where he was supposed to be??? Of course difficult child cut 2 classes. So the principal said he was going to call difficult child to the office and call me back. When he called me back he said that difficult child was not aware that cutting school was punishable by a 5 day suspension. I about fell out of my chair...urrrr So I said sir difficult child is fully aware of the consequenses of cutting school and told him that he has a long history of this and even had a probation officer. I also stated that he needed what ever punishment every other kid would face. So he was suspended from school for 5 days. This was hard but the dr told us not to allow him to get away with anything and need as much documentation as possible to keep him out of the home.

    So at the next dr appointment the group home manager gave me a paper that we have to go to court because of him cutting school. He was picked up by the truancy officer because he left school grounds. The group home feels this is harsh, where we just feel that it's catching up to difficult child now. We only have about 5 more weeks before he is discharged from this group home and after speaking to the dr and psychiatric team and telling them the conversation with the truancey officer (who recomended if we are having problems with difficult child at home we should tell the judge who can place him in that facility that costs 150 a day.). The dr feels that there is no therapy that will help difficult child because of the lying and the fact that he blames everyone else for his problems.

    husband went on easter sunday to visit with difficult child and wound up staying only 15 minutes. difficult child went on and on how I'm ruining his life and it's all my fault that he is in the group home because I don't want him at home. husband confronted him by saying he is having problems at the group and with his mother before coming here and than asked difficult child what he wants husband to do.....ready for the answer--- difficult child SAID GET RID OF HER--- husband told him thats not ever going to happen so difficult child told husband I don't have to listen to this and went back into the group home.

    So next monday we are going to court for the truancy and hoping the judge can place him somewhere other than the home. husband feels that if difficult child comes home he is going to be 100 times worse than before.

    husband and I had a session with difficult children therapist and I laid it all out and felt a sense of releif. I said I cannot and will not live here if difficult child comes home because there is nothing being done to deter him from his behavior especially that now he's getting involved with pot. We will have no control. So I guess we are hoping the judge will help but being realistic.

    Thank you for listening to me rant..
  2. Stella

    Stella New Member

    Hi Donna. Good to hear from you, people on here have beena asking after you. Sorry to hear you still have your hands full but glad that difficult child is safe in the group home for now and that you and husband are still hanging in there.

  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Sounds like you are doing all you can to protect yourselves and help him at the same time. A very tough balancing act, no doubt.

    Is the psychiatrist satisfied with the medications he's on and their levels? I'm just wondering if some of the impulse control issues you are seeing can be addressed with the right medications and at the right levels. And the fact that he's self-medicating with pot leads me to think there's more that's not being addressed by his current medications.

    Just my 2 cents.

    Hang in there. I hope the judge can help with placement!
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi! I was hoping to hear from you. I just wondered how things were going, hoping they were at least a little better.

    So difficult child still has the group home snowed, and tried to snow the principal with "not knowing" about the 5 day suspension. Hopefully they will wise up at some point.

    So your husband stepped up and told difficult child that you were not going anywhere - that husband would not leave you because difficult child doesn't like you. That is a big step for him, if I remember correctly.

    I have my fingers crossed and will do the nekkid chicken liver dance so that the judge will place him somewhere.

    The way difficult child said "get rid of her" is scary to me. difficult child has already been so violent that I think he would try to hurt you if he had even half a chance. I am sorry.

    Maybe you could look into some grants to pay for the facility you mentioned? I know some other members have or used to have difficult children in facilities payed for by a grant.

    Hugs, and don't be a stranger!

  5. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Thank you for your thoughts. He has them snowed, but have seen a few things that they are just chalking up to normal teenage things. The P doctor, husband and myself are all in agreement that the Conduct disorder diag, with emerging antisocial personality disorder is the correct diagnosis. But with that we do not qualify for any other help. The dr put him on 1500 mg of depekote an that has not slowed him down at all. So the psychiatrist feels that this may be a case that medications wont work. psychiatrist also feels that the only places that can help us is this facility (but only court ordered or cps ordered can go) or jail.

    Susie I feel the same way you do about the way he said "well just get rid of her" I feel that he will hurt me, and that is why I have made it very clear to husband, therapists, dr's and the whole mental health team that I will not be here if difficult child is relased back home. I have sacraficed to much already and its time to move on.

    How do you find grants to help you get difficult child into a facility? I have contacted john mccains office who are currently looking into it for us (I dont know if they can or will do anything.)

    Everyone I speak to just apologizes for not being able to help us because of the diagnosis. I have called tons and tons of places to no avail.

    Thank you all for listening, I know we are all in similar situations and its hard at times but I am so greatful I found this site.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Would an atypical antipsychotic (AP) be appropriate to consider? I don't know much about conduct disorder or personality disorders, so I could be way off.
  7. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    We have tried Risperdal and that didnt work and now they were trying to stabalize the mood and implusive behaviors with the depekote to no avail either. I think the dr is saying that in our case the medications wont help him either way.
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    1500mg Depakote is not that high of a dose for a teenager. My 10-year old is on 1500mg; my 14 year old was up to 5,000mg/day before we took her off of it.

    What is his Depakote blood level?? My children's psychiatrists say it has to be 100+ to be at therapeutic levels (50-100 is for epilepsy not mood disorders).

    I hope you are able to get him placed. School districts also have funding to place residentially. Maybe they can help????

    I'm totally supportive of you moving out if difficult child comes home. I did when we had to bring Kanga home for a couple of months while we scrambled for funding for her to go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You might contact NAMI (National Assoc for hte Mentally Ill) for info and help. If they have support groups in your area they might be very very helpful.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i'm sorry what a nightmare. i wonder what state you are in, i'm guessing new york. there are no programs available to sign him into now while he's in group to get the funding for the next placement?

    your right sounds like you have done so much and have given this situation your all. i could see you not wanting to be there if he is released back into the home, i'm glad your husband is backing you on that one.

    just wanted to send hugs to you
  11. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    We have contacted NAMI and because of the diagnosis they couldnt assist us. I have exhausted all avenues and right now im at a stand still. husband has really come full circle from where he was. It's just really hard to understand that if your in a situation like alot of us are in, why cant we get help and placement for these children. Its really sad at what the future holds for difficult child.

    Here we are begging everyone and anyone for help and all they tell us is this is all they can do and difficult child will be coming home. I even got very vocal at the last meeting and stated very firm that " I guess it will take 3 body bags for anyone to listen to what we were saying, but again it will be too late for us and than difficult child will never get any help and wind up in jail". That statement really got everyones attention so much so that the DR stated that difficult child should not be going home.

    The psychiatrist has on the psychiatric evaluation and stated to me that it is conduct disorder until 18, but feels that antisocial personality is emerging, along with Histrionic, Narrsasistic, Boderline personality disorders also a possability.

    As for the depekote he went from 250 to 1500mg, and I'm not familar with the dosing criteria. As for levels in his system I am not sure as the group home has had to take him and I have not received any results.

    Well difficult child is on a level 1 today for cursing out another boy in the home and refused to stop. at a level 1 you don't really have any privledges, but than again he's always grounded for 1 thing or another.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    If you've only tried one AP, I wouldn't give up on medications yet. What about Abilify? Zyprexa? Seroquel (which supposedly works a bit differently than the others)? How far did he push the dosing?

    Is this the only psychiatrist who's seen him? Have you considered a second opinion?

    I guess I just would have a hard time accepting "no" or "we can't do anything more" as an answer when there are so many options for treatment out there. I could be way off here, too. I haven't walked in your shoes or had to deal with anything close to the kinds of behaviors you've dealt with.

    My difficult child 2, who has been the most complex of my three, has seen no less than five different mental health providers in the past two years to try to sort out what's going on. He's tried at least 17 different medications in the past five years and we are only now finally seeing decent stability. And it's still far from perfect.

    I guess I'm just trying to offer you hope and encouragement to keep pushing for answers.