Just got a call from the County Jail...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Mar 24, 2016.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    ...and he's in again. Didn't have any money on the account, but the online booking report says his charges are obstructing a peace officer and disorderly conduct, so I'm guessing he had been drinking.

    Guys, I JUST SAW HIM! I was out there for a week and he was doing pretty well, has a new girlfriend that he really likes and wants to stay in Colorado because of her. He wasn't drinking, but on other things, of course, and it SEEMED like he was going to try the straight and narrow. He signed the release of information, so my ex and I (he was there, too) met with his case worker and peer mentor (who was a nice guy who'd actually been in jail with Difficult Child before). Ex and I both felt fairly confident.

    And now this call...here we go again.
  2. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    I'm so sorry your wounded heart has yet to go through this experience again. For every step forward sometimes it means a couple steps back and perhaps now that he has seen what life can be like without the bottle or drugs he will gravitate back to that clean/sober life. We can only hope that they will make the right choices. I will be thinking of you.
  3. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi BG. So sorry to hear you are in the thick of it once again. Reading your posts from the past, I'm, as always. amazed at the similarities of all of our journeys.
    You made me feel better (or at least sort of normal?) the day you wrote this. :)
    Isn't it crazy that there is relief in this? Who would have thought? Not me or you but that was my winter this yr. also. I'm thankful it's getting warmer because a person can sleep outside now--shouldn't I be thankful just because I like warm weather?
    We are in this together and support you. We get it. You are a good mom. Prayers.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh boy, BG, I am so sorry for this. We need a roller coaster, or even elevator emoticon......our kids are riding these things with their choices and the shock of it stops us in our tracks for awhile. Especially when they seem on the upswing.
    I have been seeing Rain a bit more, she just keeps trudging on her path. Honestly, I do not know what rock bottom is anymore. SIGH.

    I hope you are okay, and recover quickly from this latest chapter. My heart and prayers go out to you.
    Hang in there, sister.

  5. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    As always, thanks for the support. I just talked to him about an hour ago and the girlfriend broke up with him, saying he is a bad influence. She has 2 kids , but custody of only one, so I think she might have some issues, too. He told me they were smoking crack all night last week...but she DOES hold down a job and takes care of her 3 year old. She told him that if he's drinking and drugging and not working, that they can't be together.

    I gave the usual advice (note to self, stop doing that) and told him he had to be a stand up guy and until he was willing to change his ways, the result would always be the same. The girlfriend works at the mental health center, where he hangs out (to avoid the drunks-he WAS doing well) and I told him he needed to keep going there when he gets out, but he's like "Well, that's probably going to change". Dude, you HAVE to go back there-that's where your help is, where you have a peer mentor, where you can take classes, etc.

    I just don't know if he's capable of having anything like a normal life, or if he really wants one. He said "Why can't I just be happy?" and I had to say, because you're your own worst enemy...

    On a personal note, I moved out to Las Vegas (moved in with my ex husband-ROOM-MATES ONLY!) and have been here a couple of days. Am a little down, culture shock, leaving old friends behind, etc. I drove out here and the Colorado visit to the boys was a stop along the way. I was SO optimistic that things were looking up , but once again, have to think about all this crap with him. But not TOO much! My sister thinks he creates drama when other people's lives are going okay, she said "How come this all happened once you left for Vegas? Does he want you to feel guilty all the time?" And she might be right... we only left CO on Monday and he is in jail 3 days later...

    Sorry just rambling at this point, processing my thoughts. It was very obvious that he is still a Taker, self centered, etc. But I did think he was happy with this girlfriend and I felt so hopeful. He originally wanted to ride out West with us to start a new life, but decided he had a future with this girl, so stayed. How the heck he thought he was going to do that is a mystery to me...but we sure dodged a bullet there when we left without him.

    I guess I feel super resentful that things haven't worked out and the trickle-down effect has started again. Always problems, always problems. Got to concentrate on MY new start and not let him take up space in my head....
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    BG, I am glad you have CD to come to and share and work through this stuff.

    It always seems to me, when I reach a point of feeling a bit of peace, or new changes occur in my life, BOOM! Smacked upside the head and heart with another round of "ammo" from the kids.
    Boy oh boy, more to work on.

    It is hard, you are starting all over in a new place. I guess that can be a positive, too, because you are on a different path, an adventure of sorts. Yes, good thing your son did not go West with you, that would have been a whole 'nother story.
    Whew (wipe sweat off brow).
    You know, I think your sis is on to something. I am beginning to think that my two are very in tune to the goings on in my head and heart. They want to keep us like this:twister2: because we can't think straight all caught up in their tornado lives. They like us not thinking straight. The old misery loves company deal.

    Stay strong and focused on your life. For sure, don't let him take up space in your head. Didn't cause it, can't change it, or control it. Out spot, you go.

    Keep venting and rambling here as you need to, boy do I get that necessity!

    Congrats on your new life and best wishes. By the way, I surely will not be able to "retire", also.
    SIGH. Oh well, such is life......... Take care and let us know how you are doing!


  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Aw, geez, BG. U and Leafy may be onto something...it does sometimes seem like they smell a little optimism in our hair or something and decide to chop it off at the roots.

    His choice, BG. His happiness is up to him, just like yours is up to you. Congrats on the new start! Good to hear from you, just sorry about the latest update.
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  8. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Ah BG, DANGITALLANYWAYS!!! I'm so sorry to hear this. No advice to offer, just to let you know I'm listening, and nodding my head, and you're not alone, and you're not crazy, and......well, just all of that. Many hugs to you sister!:group-hug:
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  9. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    If I had a trip planned for fun just for me, my son would always find a way to get DAEP placement when he was younger or in more recent years would be put in jail for some reason. He also asks,"What is wrong with me?" I guess it's at least good they recognize it's them and not someone doing it to them (which is what he is want to do). I relate to your saying your description of him is a sociopath. I'm beginning to wonder that about my son. Conduct disorder sounds nicer but my friend who is a psychiatric professor at a University related that ends with adolescence.
    I'm sorry for the roller coaster for your emotions and your son's. Prayers of calm and happiness to you and for love and healing for your son. by the way, if that girl was working at the mental health center it's a huge no-no to date the clients. Of course who follows rules anyway - the mental health field is full of people with their own issues :)
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh BG I'm so sorry. And I also agree with Leafy. It seems that they have the best (worst?) timing in the world. Hugs...Stay strong!
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    We are always on their radar.
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh BG, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know all to well what it feels like to think Difficult Child is doing ok then to be slammed back to reality by "the phone call from jail"

    My son too has said "I just wish I could be happy" He would usually follow it up with if only A, B, or C would happen then I would be happy. I tried telling my son till I was blue in the face that he had to make his own happiness and in the midst of chaos you can still be happy/grateful. He didn't want to hear any of it.
    My son has also had a few girlfriends, even a wife (the mom to my grands) It always starts out good, my son seams "happy" but it's fake, he puts on a show and eventually his true nature takes over and the girlfriends grow tired of it and leave.
    Again, I've tried getting through to my son that until he can be happy with just himself, he will never be able to find happiness with someone else.

    So, you've made a move to Vegas. While it can be unsettling getting used to a new place I encourage you to make the most of it. This is a fresh start for YOU. You can make your life whatever you want it to be. Find some local groups that you can involved with so you can make some new friends. If you are a church goer, find one, that's another way to reach out, get involved and make some new friends.

    Hang in there BG!!

  13. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks guys, as always.

    It took a lot of courage for me to get out of my rut at the age of 57 , but I just felt my soul was dying in Illinois-I had been there for 18 years and took early retirement, then just went back to subbing and the same ole routine. I used to be so fearless when I was younger and I just decided to go for it. Prolly the shenanigans with the Difficult Child left me a shell of my former self, FULL OF FEAR and I'm trying to reclaim the old me, hence the move out West. Originally from the UK, but came out to the US 31 years ago, to San Diego, before moving around a LOT, so it feels a little like coming "home".

    Sorry , don't mean to hog this thread with irrelevant details.

    Difficult Child has called quite a few times, mad about something, doctor won't prescribe his medications (hmm, didn't you STOP taking them a while ago?) he has no shoes and they'll release him without them, so he's decided if they do, he'll have to walk down to Goodwill and steal some. Then he says he's going to get "sh*tty drunk" when he gets out. And how far is THAT gonna get you, son?

    This dude is TWENTYFRICKINGSEVEN years old!

    Appreciate the hugs and support-you guys are my lifeline when the demons tighten their grip. Love and light to all of the warriors...
  14. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    SIGH. :frown:

    husband and I say all the time that we just want to fall totally OFF Difficult Child's radar.....until he gets nicer, anyway.
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  15. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi BG.
    Wow, yes, this is such a problem. Good job trying to reclaim YOU. The fear of what we know and especially what we don't, can be so incapacitating.

    Translation="mom...if you don't want me to steal, hurt myself or others or just generally be a liability to all society, YOU will fix this". It sounds like your answer was "oh" and "I'm sure you will figure this out", or maybe you just listened, that in itself is such trauma, isn't it?
    husband and I say all the time that we just want to fall totally OFF Difficult Child's radar.....until he gets nicer, anyway.[/QUOTE]
    SO TRUE. Radar, bullseye, homing device. Really, what is it that directs them through all this impairment? I see my son above my head with a funnel pouring garbage into me that I have to sort, store or throw out just to stay sane. Should anyone be allowed to do this to another? BG , you are right, he's 27, if not now then when? Stay strong warrior mom. We are in this together. Prayers.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Black - I live in Illinois and don't blame you for high tailing it out of the cold!

    Yes you need to let your son find his own way - at 27. I agree and trying to do that for my 20 year old so we don't keep doing this year after year.

    Good luck and keep us up to date on your new life!