Just having a really hard time again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Aug 23, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    So, difficult child was staying with some guy and had told me his name. Next thing I know I have a friend request from this guy on Facebook. So I texted her and let her know and she tells me the guy is a psycho woman abusing stalker and has researched our family online and found all this information on us and to please not accept his friend request and not to talk to him. She told me she was not staying there anymore. Of course, I am appalled at what she was possibly dealing with just to have a place to stay.

    I made a doctor's appointment for her on Friday and I asked if she knew where I would be picking her up from on Friday morning and she said she had no idea yet. She doesn't know night to night where she will sleep, if anywhere. How can this possibly be right?

    I am having such a hard time right now. I just want to rescue her SO bad. I want to tell her to come home and stay there until she gets through bartending school and starts working. I miss her. I hurt. I am hurting real bad.

    I told my husband that I miss her and that yes, I knew I was crazy. He said I am not crazy and that he thinks about her all the time and he doesn't understand why she is doing this to herself and won't get help.

    I can't stop crying. This is so hard. This is so unnatural. This is so not right. It hurts too much.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I wish I could take away the pain. You are just being a MOM. These feelings are natural. We all want what is best for our kids and sometimes the hardest thing we can do is let them fall flat on their faces. The nice thing is, when they have had enough, they know we will be there to pick them up.

    Sending super huge {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} your way.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. It feels so awful and unnatural to know our kids are sick and hurting and to do nothing and to know that even if we did everything we could, spent every dime we had and could beg/borrow/steal/sign our souls away for that it would still not get them out of the pain and sickness they are experiencing.

    Are you going to alanon meetings or narcanon meetings? Are you seeing a therapist? Those are things you MUST do for you and for husband and most esp for difficult child. Yes, strange as it may sound, you MUST go to therapy and regular (this means at least weekly if not more often) alanon/narcanon meetings if you want to help your difficult child. I know you may have heard this many times, but addiction is a family illness. You, husband and easy child need help and all of you getting help actually increases the probability that difficult child will get help and fight for sobriety and a "normal" life. I know she has mental health issues as well but you cannot know how much of them are due to the addiction issues and how much are mental health issues.

    Do you think you can trust that the facebook guy is actually a psycho or is he someone she took advantage of who is simply trying to get whatever he lost to her back by contacting the family because he cannot find her/get her to answer his calls/etc.... How trustworthy is difficult child on an issue like this? It is entirely possible that she truly ran into some psycho who is stalking her. But it is also entirely possible that she had some type of relationship with him and stole from him or destroyed his things and now that he wants to be repaid or have her pay to fix what she damaged she is running from him and trying to keep you from communicating with him so that you won't know what she did and he won't know when/if you will be seeing her so he cannot get the cops to come and arrest her while she is with you.

    Sadly, with a difficult child there is NO way to know which is actually true. I do think that communicating with him on facebook may not be wise. He may try to get you to pay for whatever she did and that is NOT your responsibility nor is it a guilt trip you need to experience. If he truly IS a psycho stalker, at least you know what he looks like from pics on his facebook so you can refuse to open the door or whatever if he comes around.

    I know you want to rescue her. The doctor appointment is about the only way you really can. I am so very sorry.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Would she be at all open to staying in a local homeless shelter? If this last guy is stalking her, she'd probably be able to get into a DV shelter. At least it would stop the floating from place to place every night.

    I know that has got to be so scary. I'd be feeling the same way. Keeping both you and her in my prayers.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending sincere caring thoughts your way. I think that the pain ebbs and rises depending on circumstances and if the calm moments increase periodically you are making progress. When something hits unexpectedly, like the FB request, it shakes up emotions and fears. Parenting an adult difficult child is not for the faint of heart! Hang in there and hopefully there will soon be an emotional lull so you can fall back and regroup. I'm sorry. DDD
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG I am so sorry you are in such pain right now. DDD is so right. I found myself so heartsick and worried when difficult child would be in crisis mode and prayed for the calm moments even though I knew even the calm moments were still worrisome. It gave me some time to recollect myself and put things into perspective. Our difficult children have no idea what they put everyone around them through because they are so use to the chaos and think it is normal. It's only until after they are removed from the insanity they live in that they realize how crazy it was. I've been where you are at and it's a horrible place to be. You are sick with worry and want to do something, anything to make it better. Sadly difficult child is the only one who can make it better.

    Just keep telling your difficult child that you are here for when she decides to change her life and that you will support her in that decision, that you love her and worry about her but that you cannot live your life anymore trying to fix her.

    I'm sending prayers and good thoughts for you to find some peace.

    Last edited: Aug 24, 2011
  7. NervousNelly

    NervousNelly New Member

    Hi PG. You helped me with something very similar a few weeks back and when I read your message I knew how your heart was hurting. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's hell and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I don't really have any sage advice for you. But I understand your pain and know how your mind is whirling and twirling through all of this. I thought at some point I would just lose my mind and I suspect you may be feeling the same way. Keep leaning on others for support. And give her a big hug when you see her. It does help :)

  8. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    PG, I am sorry you are hurting so bad. You are right, it is unnatural. It just is. I am sending you hugs (((((( ))))))
  9. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Sending hugs and strength. You're right. There is nothing natural or normal about your difficult child's situation. What is natural and normal is your reaction. You're a good mom, and it hurts like nothing else to be a good mom of a kid making really poor choices.

  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Thank you ALL!!!!! I honestly don't know what I would do with out this place. No one with just PCs could ever possibly understand this. I am feeling a little better today. Had myself a really good cry last night. I needed it. But my gosh I still want to do something. I still really want to tell her everything is okay and to come home. But, I know I can't. :(
  11. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    I'm sending you {HUGS} and crying with you. Sorry I can't offer anything right now as I don't even know how to help or fix my situation. I think I need a good cry too!
  12. Bean

    Bean Member

    I'm so with you.

    My husband and I have blips of fantasy, thinking of allowing her to come back home. It's that thread, that memory of who our daughter was, her soul, who she is. That's who we love and are attached to. We want that. It is incredibly soul-wrenching to have a loved one be so self-destructive and be helpless.

    I shudder to think of what my daughter does in exchange for food, shelter, booze, weed. It blows my mind. I don't understand it at all.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending you more supportive gentle hugs~
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (a million hugs) I loved that line, parenting a difficult child is not for the faint of heart. Try not to think of think of it, read a book, do something fun you like.....call someone , laugh......
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Sending a hug and prayer that she will find her way soon.