Just spoke to difficult child.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jun 9, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    A phone number from Morristown called my phone a few times in a row. I didn't answer but than I figured I should bc tomorrow I have jury duty there and it might be the courthouse calling. Well it turned out to be difficult child calling from social services. He told me he needs his birth certificate and that his grandfather threw it out while he was in Idaho and it's his grandfather's fault it's gone. I immediately stopped him and told him that I didn't want to hear any of his bs stories concerning his grandfather bc I know the truth and it's not going to work with me. I then proceeded to tell him that I don't have any extra copies of his BC (he's been through 3 in a year) and that if he needs one he needs to go to the town hall in the city where he was born to get one. He then proceeded to hang up on me. Ok whatever. I'm actually kinda laughing bc it's nuts that he's mad at me for not having what he needs. Typical difficult child.....

    I don't know what's going to happen but he'll need to figure it out. I'm assuming he contacted the MHA worker to take him to social services bc it's quite far from where he was originally staying. I'm going to stay out of it and let him deal with the natural consequences of his very poor decisions. He doesn't have to be in this position. He chose to be.

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  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    sometimes its like they think we have an endless supply of birth certificates and social security cards, good for you JKF for not buying into the bs.

    what is it with these kids? they treat us like we just fell off a turnip truck or something. sending hugs and good thoughts your way

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  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    YOu did good, JKF.

    It was a big day for me when I realized that I was not the only conduit for birth certificates, passports, and ID's. My difficult child also is forever losing them and starting over, but for the last year or so its been his problem , not mine. Slowly slowly we liberate ourselves.

    I had to laugh about him blaming grandfather for the lack of birth certificate!!!! Wow!

    You sound a bit better....and it must be a relief to hear from him, no matter what.

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  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Do our difficult children SELL their use identity papers or something? It seems like everybody on this site has the same experience with difficult children and birth certificates, SS cards and driver's licenses.

    Poof! They disappear constantly. Are they really that careless or is something else happening to this paperwork? I just wonder what would a credit report would look like on my difficult child. In addition to nonpayment I bet his identity has been stolen as well.

    The hole seems so very deep sometimes.

    JKF I am so glad the ice has been broken and you have gotten that first phone call from him. You are a rock star in the way you handled the call.

    I hope you are having a good Mondays.
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  5. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    Its amazing how all difficult children are so alike! I used to jump through hoops getting my difficult child copies of medical cards, birth certificates, SS cards, IDs, buy more bus passes, etc. I used to think it was so strange how he lost these things ALL the time. Until I read here that it is a common trait. Now I dont worry about it. Ha! Its good that we can get a laugh out of now instead of racing around trying to fix it for them:chuncky:
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  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Ive learned to answer those kind of questions with "Google it." I garauntee you can find a way to get one if you look.

    Sounds like you are doing ok with things. I'm sending you good luck vibes for happier days ahead.
  7. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    You do sound better JFK and you handled the call beautifully!

    I will add to difficult children lost BC, DL or SS stories: difficult child is oldest and has lost many with calls to us initially to get another copy. She has since learned how to handle on her own now. But my easy child lost her DL at college and she figured out where she had to go, the cost and what paperwork she needed to replace it without a call to us. One of the many differences in difficult child vs easy child worlds.

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  8. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    He can order a certified copy of his BC from the clerk of vital records in his county of birth.

    The fee can be paid by credit card, check, or money order. I had to do this when I applied for my VA pension as I only had one copy of my BC and marriage certificate.

    I've done this to get additional death certificates as well. Getting a new SS card requires a visit to a SS office. I had to do this a couple of years ago when I realized that the signature had worn off the one I was issued in '76 when I started working and paying into FICA.

    IIRC, there was no fee, but quite a long wait. I also understand that there is a limit on the number of replacement cards one can get within a specific time period.

    That info should be available on the SS website.

    If you want to be really helpful, get the relevant contact info for him and let him take it from there. He's a big boy now and old enough to deal with the consequences of his own carelessness.

    Let him pay the fees as well.
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    WOW - add mine to that list, too. Well, at least when she was living the difficult child life she did lose everything. She still does not have her SS card and I won't get it for her. If she needs it, she will send the application in to get it... :)

    Thinking of you JKF....I think you handled that call beautifully...
  10. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Wow. yes, mine's exactly the same! Lost paperwork, lost school certificates, passport chucked in the bin because it represented the control that the government had over him and he didn't need any identity if he was going to live in the forest and not succumb to any of society's evil demands to have to ever prove who he was or pay any taxes. Then he decides that he needs to go to France to join in some eco crusade ... oh hang on, I don't have a passport so I can't leave the UK, fascist dictatorship nonsense... the earth is owned by us all and we should be free to roam wherever we like... Mum, i need a passport and I don't have any ID and I threw my old passport away...
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  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I was trying to get my difficult child a birth certificate too last autumn. That wasn't his fault though. Well except not finding out beforehand that he would need one. The problem is, that we don't have birth certificates, haven't had in decades. Only birth certificated we have, is hospital announcing the birth to the system and I doubt that has been made through filling a paper in long time. There is official record with all the info (birth date, parents, children, place of birth, current address and so on) and you can have a take from it and ask necessary information to be included and they even give it not only in our own languages but also in English and few other big languages. But it isn't birth certificate. And it doesn't say it is a birth certificate.

    Because of that, the officials who wanted difficult child's birth certificate didn't approve it at first. They didn't want to approve it even with attached embassy note that we don't have birth certificates. Then difficult child got a tip from someone living at the same country and I went to ask a new copy in our native language and asked to person giving it to just add few extra stamps in it. Then mailed it to difficult child and it worked like magic. They were not able to understand word from it any more, that it had awfully many stamps in it, so it just had to be legit :D And hey, if you don't understand what it says, it could very well say Birth Certificate if there are names and dates in it!
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I was feeling a bit better yesterday but today I'm back to the heavy dread in my belly feeling. I looked this morning and he was posting all sorts of things on Facebook last night and early this morning about how he wants to die. The last post read "I'm praying this kills me... legit..." He posted it 6 hours ago and hasn't been active since. Uggggh!

    You know this is what really gets me. I'm ok one day and then the next day I'm back to being a freak about things. I'm sitting here at my desk imagining him hurt or dead and there's nothing I can do about it. I have no control over this situation whatsoever. It's a horrible feeling. I got a phone call from some weird number around 9 am but I didn't answer and no one left a message. I'm assuming if there was something wrong a message would have been left right??

    This is what makes me angry! The lack of control and not knowing if he's ok or not. I'm sitting here worrying and making myself sick bc I don't know if he's ok or not. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. The worst to me would be getting a call to come identify his body. I don't know if I can ever realistically prepare myself for something like that.....
  13. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    JKF....do you meditate? that is how I resolve these paralyzing cycles of thinking that really don't help anything...you can try guided meditations on youtube (I don't use those but others do and might be able to guide you) or try reading Pema Chodron's books (I like "When Things Fall Apart", but there are several) or Tara Brach's book on Radical Acceptance.

    Its important to remember that spinning this way doesn't help him and it hurts you...
  14. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I do meditate sometimes Echo. And when I concentrate hard enough I can find peace. I can clear my mind. It's just that sometimes, everything seems to smack me all at once. It's quite overwhelming at times. I'm at work and trying to calm down. I made a cup of my favorite ginger pear tea and I'm going to sip on that and do my work. I'll be checking out those books as well.

    And you're 100% right.....spinning this way does nothing except hurt me......
  15. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    It show's he's "active now" on Facebook so at least I know he's ok and I can breathe again. I have to stop this pattern of obsessing and worrying NOW before I get sucked right back into my old ways. I hate when I get like this. I can't focus on anything and I get physically ill. I'm breathing in and out, imagining the waves washing around me as Echo has suggested in the past. That imagery really does help me quite a bit when I get like this.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hang in there JKF. Get down on your knees and scrub the kitchen floor (figuratively or literally, your choice).

    This is the really tough stuff. I used to, and can still drive myself absolutely crazy when I have no information or a little like you have and my mind just spins completely out.

    Completely out.

    You know and I know that we can't save them. If we could, they would have been saved, with all we have done.

    I think the hardest thing in the world is to do nothing and I continuously work on that with all of my might. Not to say I achieve it.

    Get busy. That is all you can do. Let time pass.

    I would offer this: when and if they are "saved" from their lives, it won't be through us. It will be through somebody or something else.

    Hugs to you! Big hugs. Keep telling us and we are here, with you.
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  17. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    JKF, I did the whole active on Facebook dance too. I wouldn't hear from him for five or six days but if I could see he was active on FB I was okay.

    I so get that. You are not alone here.

    Training yourself to step back, step away, detach with love and do nothing is hard hard work.
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  18. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    And now his status reads "If I die, I hope my family is happy. You don't want to help me, yet you say you love me? You know Mom.....F**k you. You don't care what happens. If I do f'ing die, I will be happy. "F" what everyone says. It's only what they show that counts......."

    So there you have it. The blame game. The guilt trip. We're all villains and he's the victim. He's basically saying at the end that "actions speak louder than words", something I've tried to teach him many many times. How ironic. Yes - actions DO speak louder than words difficult child! YOUR actions speak volumes and at this point your words mean nothing!

    Ugggggh!!!!! This is the type of thing that we have had to deal with over and over and over again with him. He blames EVERYONE but himself. All of the sleepless nights I've had, all of the worrying I've done, the countless times I've made myself sick, and jeopardized my relationships with my easy child and husband, every phone call and appointment I've made on his behalf. The money I've spent to get him across country. The money he stole numerous times from us and his grandfather and other family members and friends. The fact that he destroyed everything his grandfather has worked for. The chaos and fear that he constantly brings into our lives. He doesn't care about ANY of that! He sees no wrongdoing on his part and has no remorse for any of it. It's truly terrifying.
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Ramping up, JKF. They ramp up when we don't respond like they want us to.

    If you know where he is, can you send the police there since he is threatening suicide?

    To my mind, that is the only action I consider taking when difficult child does this.

    And he has done it several times. Not on FB but on the phone and especially via text to his dad, me and his brother.

    Calling the police has always put a stop to difficult child's suicide threats for a long while.

    One time he did superficially cut his wrists when his girlfriend broke up with him and then he texted all of us with the suicide threats. We took him to the ER and he went from there to the state hospital for a week.

    His dad and I have had long serious discussions about whether or not we believe he will ever actually kill himself or if he truly wants to die. We don't believe he will or he does, but we also recognize that we can't know what another person will do, ever. And since we can't walk by his side 24/7, this is something else we have to accept.

    Hugs, JKF.
  20. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    You are so very wise COM.

    Yes - the ramp up. I'm so familiar with it but it rattles me to the core every time. This is when he loses all control. This is when the rages begin. This is when I need to be on full alert because he's trying to get my attention and if I don't respond he'll only try harder, in more threatening and serious ways.

    Unfortunately I don't know exactly where he is. He could be in one of two towns. He was spotted in one town by my best friend the other night but yesterday he called me from social services which is two towns over. Or by now he could be somewhere else. I just don't know but I'm going to keep checking his page here and there and if he continues to threaten suicide I'll call both police departments.