Keeping difficult child safe:taking cell phone and cash

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Jan 28, 2009.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    Please no flames. Support only please!!! difficult child is very unstable right now and it is scary. She is taking off and staying out until 1-2 AM. She is refusng to adhere to stuff like therapy, medications (took them yesterday,refuses today), AA, doing academics. I cannot reason with her when she gets like this. It is HER way and her thinking is very unclear. Top that with addiction issues, it is scary! YShe has been posting bullentins on MYspace saying I am bored and her phone number. Within a half an hour, someone had picked her up yesterday. She did not return until 1 AM. She has been cleaning for me , did give her $20 but will not being doin gthat anymore. I have not been able to get her cell phone. She became phyically vioent a week ago when I tried toget it. I was goignto have husband get it when she was at voleyball but now she is saying she willnot go. She texted the coach and said I am not going. I E-Mailed him saying, igore it when she says that: I will let you know when she can't come.
    We (husband and I ) are justificaly terrified of her rages. I will be dressed with cellphone and key if I need to get out to protect me.
    Thanks, Compassion
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Wouldn't dream of anything but support, What is that saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes, I haven't walked in your shoes but mine have taught me just how hard and stressful our lives can be, (((hugs))).
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This can be realy scary, my Youngest used to do things like that. I used to let her keep the cellphone, partly because if she disappeared overnight, at least she would use it to cal lme and let me know she was alive. She wasn't using it in ways you describe, however, such as posting the number on a public forum. Scary stuff! Have you tried getting it while she's sleeping, maybe, if taking it away is the option you've chosen?

    I will say that if Youngest became physically violent with me, 911 got called. No exeptions. If your daughter knows that becoming physical with you will win her what she wants, it will snowball quickly, so be very careful there.

    Hang in there.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sadly, it sounds like she's using drugs again. My daughter acted that way when she was using. It WAS scary. Eventually, for the sake of our other two kids, she had to leave. I'm really, really sorry.
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    She is on a suspended sentence for two charges this summer. If she can get to April 6, the charges will be dropped. That is why I am hesitant to call the police.
    I have tried to take her phone from her and she guards it in her sleep. We have gotton tracing phones but they are not that accurate and she does not keep in touch anyway.
    I am taking the phone so it is more diffcult to contact people (drug /alcohol users/law breakers). I will not give her cash until she is better becasue obviously she can use it for drugs/alcohol. She spins great soties about movies/eating out but can not produce recipts and caught her last Friday beecasue a freind of my don's called him: she had ended up at a party of a freind. She swears she is just hanging and doing band practice but honestly, her behavior is like when she ws actively using. Plus, she sitll has to make curfew. She needs direct suspervison at thsi point.
    Thanks for the support, everyone.
    This is painful. i am pretty new to this and this rollercoaster of hopes and heartbreak. Compassion
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Have you considered an inpatient dual-diagnosis treatment facility that would help address both the substance abuse and the mood disorder?
  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    Yes, her p-doctor has reccomended this since September and agian in Nov. That is when I put it on her follow things like go to AA, donot run, adhere to house rules, etc. She did fairly Ok for a couple months. I know a trigger was the rejectinof her best friend. I would still very much like to keep her at home but need to keep facing reality, choose all of our safety number one. Compassion
  8. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Whose name is the phone under? If it's not her, you can turn it off or put it on "suspension" if you can't physically get the phone away from her.

    Sorry she's acting out again.....:(
  9. compassion

    compassion Member

    It is in my name. I keep talking about this : I hav edone this before. My cell company will do this for 30 days. It is more her rages and threats. She said if I do she will run and I willn Occupational Therapist (OT) have any way of contacting her. She is so unstable and she has done this before when very unstable. Also, it is a huge hassle getting it reinstated. I would prefer to lock it up and give it back to her when she is more stable but I may have to do this. This was a Chrsitmas gift to her under the agrement thaqt I had to chedck who she was speaking to and she had to adhere to the rules. When she was more stable, she was doing this now the difiance etc. is uper strong. She is delusional and psycotic at times. She says she can do waht she wants , when she wants (she is hanging with 18-20 yea olds and she is 15).
  10. compassion

    compassion Member

    The big issue with her is she has never truly stabilized:she was well on her way with 2 months of medications/not running and using. Compassion
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhhhhh, Compassion, I am so sorry. She seemed to be doing so well for a short time there. :(
    I hope you can talk to her when she finally comes home. (Seems like she will, when she needs something.)
    I've got my fingers crossed for you.
  12. compassion

    compassion Member

    Terri, she is at least physically at home. She is quite ill though, can't reson with her: she appears very hung over and exhsuted. She is sleeping.It is hard to tell how mcuh is substances, if any and how much is unmedicated manic episodes. Comapssion
  13. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Oh, Compassion. I am soooo sorry!! I swear you are talking about my daughter. You have just described my life. I can relate to your struggle more than you know. The myspace thing, my daughter does the exact same thing. She meets people on line gives them her phone number and then when they call she gets in their car!!! I know how scary that is for you. I wish I had some substantial advice, something that would make a difference for you. Unfortunately I am still looking for the answer myself. The only difference is that my daughter will be 18 in a couple of weeks so I am now detaching as there really isn't anything else I can do for her until she is ready. Would you consider putting her into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? At least she would be safe.

    Again, I am so sorry. Sending you many (((HUGS))). I will absolutely keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

    If you ever need to vent or just need a friend, please feel free to pm me as I have walked in very similar shoes. :)
  14. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Why not just have the service suspended. That way you don't have to struggle to get the phone. Most services will suspend for a few months.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohh, I thought when she ran, she ran far away and didn't come home. So, you do see her.
    Hmm. I wish I had some advice.
  16. sending hugs. You know on the cell phone front, if you can't physically get it from her, call the cell phone company and report it as lost, they can shut it down so it wont work at all. That way, if you want to reinstate it later, you can call the cell phone company and tell them you found it and want it reinstated.
  17. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. I have not been there done that, and hope I never am. I am with the others, suspend the cell phone service, but then if she needs help when she is out of the house how will she get it? It is a double edged sword(I almost typed phone!!). I dont' know if they even have pay phones anymore.
  18. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I just want to add that I have gone through the same cell phone dilemma. I struggled so long, deciding whether or not to keep paying for a cell phone that my daughter clearly did not deserve. I let her keep it for months all the while my sw kept telling me to cut it off. I argued the same argument, then how on earth will I get in touch with her to see if she is okay, or what if something happens, how will she contact me????? This went on for months until I finally had had enough. She stopped taking my calls, didn't come home, when she did, she was high and abusive. So her having the phone did nothing to ease my mind anyway. I finally took it away. I suspended the service and got a new phone for myself and changed the number. I will admit that there were times I wished she had the phone so that I could get in touch with her. I was a nervous wreck all of the time. But I was a nervous wreck when she had the phone. She managed to call me when she needed to anyway via other peoples phones or pay phones.

    Hang in there. :)
  19. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I don't have any experience with all this, but I wanted to say I'm sorry, and I hope things get better for all of you really soon. It must be horrible to have to live that way.
    Sending gentle hugs to you.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. This sounds very scary. Sending lots of comfort and support.

    I know you want to keep her at home, but at this point is keeping her at home really helping her? Or is it giving her opportunities to go out and do dangerous things?

    The drug use and hanging with older kids is a nightmare for parents. I truly sympathize with you. I know you are trying to navigate a scary world.

    But do you really have any control over her now? And is she really going to get the help she needs outside of a locked dual-diagnosis facility, like your psychiatrist recommended?

    I know you worked so hard to get her to almost 2 monthss, but was she also working as hard as you were?

    Enough of that. I will totally support whatever you decide to do . No advice on the cell phone thing, but whatever you end up doing will be good.

    Gentle hugs!