Kicked my son out, foster care, fear

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by dayatatime, Dec 17, 2016.

  1. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    ....it all just feels like such a long story. Just threw my 18-year-old only child out again. He is in foster care for my safety and my mental health- he used to be very out of control (violent around the house)- so he has another home to go to. After I gave up custody he was able to spend a year in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He had stopped attending school years before but they helped him get stabilized, get his GED, and get into college.

    After he got out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) they placed him in a "therapeutic foster home," which is not remotely therapeutic. He relapsed and fairly quickly dropped out of college. He's been there for a little more than a year now. Until about 8 months ago I was very involved with the foster care agency treatment team. After my son had a big relapse and dropped out of college we had a big meeting and my abusive ex showed up to it (he is generally uninvolved). The agency's agenda at the meeting turned out to be to get me to take custody back. Then my ex jumped on about how my son was only in foster care because I'm a big drama queen.... I only ever needed a restraining order for him because I'm bad and mentally ill, and there's no reason I can't take custody of my son. On and on. I walked out of the that meeting and have not since communicated with the treatment team.

    I understand the agency's point of view. My son won't work with them, won't really accept the help they can offer. He is difficult. Normally they have children who don't have parents, or whose parents are very low functioning. I am articulate, resourceful, and employed. They don't know what to do with that. Meanwhile, they have kids who need slots and my son, who has me in his life, is taking up space. He won't go to drug treatment, but clearly needs it. I stayed on them for months to get him a therapist, they finally did and he didn't go. He just wants the free roof over his head.

    My point of view is that he once pushed me into a plate glass window, put many holes in walls, broke countless pieces of furniture, stole and stole and stole from me, etc. There are degrees to which he can earn trust, but No Way am I accepting him as a full-time resident of home-- I want the safety net.

    He recently went through a Good period. He had a job a few blocks from my house and far from his foster home. It was his first job. While he was working he was earning my trust by functioning in society. I was overlooking all the pot smoking, and believing that there was little else going on. Before I knew it, he was full-time living with me.

    Then he lost of the job. Then I found out he'd been taking Percocet. Then I told him he could only stay with me on the weekends, but he started being super nice and helpful around the house for a week. Then I found out that before he got the job he'd been hanging out with people who also deal crack and live just a few blocks from me. Then he started stalling out on the being nice and helpful, and I started figuring out that he basically had no intention of getting another job. Again: weekend only.

    But he just had a major.... I want to say temper tantrum. Eyes bugging out, getting in my face yelling at me because he wants me to give him money, because there's no food at the foster home, dumped some food from our house I told him he could take with him down the toilet (after that I told him he had to stay away for 24 hours), started destroying a precious photo magnet from his childhood (became stay away until further notice).....

    I already have a two lock system on my door- one lock he has, one he doesn't. So I can be in control.

    Meanwhile the most care agency had figured out that he hasn't been at the foster home much. They are riding him to be there every night. So we are more or less on the same page, even though we still aren't communicating. ....my son's idea of how to handle that is to be there at night then come to my place, which is near his friends, for the day. I'm just not comfortable with that plan. But he goes crazy about how he has no where to go and he HAS to come here. If I suggest he get a job, I escalate the situation. But I do it anyway. Or talk about the library, museums that are free (we live in a major city).

    So yesterday was the first day time that I had locked both locks to keep him out. But I came home and the lock only I had the key to had been unlocked and the house smelled like weed. He had been here.

    Today he dropped by gave me the high security bottom lock and the photo magnet that he had taken. And he's asking for money for a sandwich, of course.

    No money. I offered to meet him at the grocery store and buy him some economical groceries. He doesn't want that.

    I'm completely heartbroken. My entire personal life is such a tragedy. My own recovery has been strong, but what a well of despair.

    I'm thinking of trying to work with the foster care agency again- reopen communication. I'm terrified, and I know my son is just in a lot of pain. And I increase his pain by not enabling. He was on something hard core when I called him last night. I'm scared.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Do I get this. It is what it is. We cannot redeem our lives through our children, although I do well understand the need to do so.
    dayatatime. If you live in the US there is Job Corps. I believe 16 is the age kids become eligible. My son went at 19. It is completely free. They house and feed the enrollees and they train them at excellent trades, and help find them jobs. They will help them get psychotherapy, I believe. I cannot say anything except good about it. They will work with the kids. Even with mental illness, disability, drugs and criminal records.

    There are other alternatives. I forget the names. Like Boy's Town or other religious-based organizations that house and feed, and educate and give moral educations. My son once went to day school at a place like this, where other kids lived. It was wonderful.

    I do not see any good reason for you to walk this back, right now, at least. His father can take custody, should he choose, but he has no right to denounce you.

    Your son is young, but he still has to bring something to the table, in order to make this work. (Breaking into your house????) Does this not communicate a message, of what would be to come?

    Of course I can see why your son wants to come back. You are his MOTHER. But he has to come to grips with the specific actions he took to force the situation to become what it is. My partner was kicked out of his home at 13. He had nowhere to go, at all. He had done nothing wrong except to try to protect his mother from beatings. Am I advocating for kicking your son out, and leaving him with nowhere to go? No. Not at all. What I am saying is that you have a right not to be destroyed. What in his conduct right now, really, indicates that he will live with you under your roof as anything other than hostile, dominating, intimidating, and out of control?
    Well, there you are. A free roof under his head. My son (older) wants that too. That we take responsibility, and he have all the rights and privileges that his adult status gives him, and his free government money from SSI. This is untenable.

    To accept him back, right now, is to give credence and power to all of the poor decisions he is making: drugs, no drug treatment, no psychological treatment...etc. Is this what you want? To tell him that all is OK'; that he is doing fine? He needs to learn that there is reciprocity required in life. Respect for himself and for others. That begins in his relationship with you. This is your fundamental and most important role as his parent now, I think. Demanding respect. Insisting upon reciprocity. That your personhood is equally important as his. If you do not insist that he be a good man, you are contributing to the opposite. I am too with my own child, who is no longer a child.

    "I'm thinking of trying to work with the foster care agency again- reopen communication. I'm terrified, and I know my son is just in a lot of pain." Re-opening communication is one thing. In family therapy, for example, where there is supervision and a trained therapist present at all times. I would be very careful of anything more at this point. He is showing you who he is, right now. I would pay attention.
     
  3. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    Im sorry you are going through this. I understand your pain. My son has many similar issues to yours. we keep "helping" because we feel guilt, or love, or whatever label we use...its all enabling. my son is older now (30) and our continuing to be there has done nothing good for him. Until he is ready to help himself by wanting better in life, nothing will work! He has to want to be drug free. He has to want to be a productive member of society. The longer he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions the longer it will take for him to mature . Don't make the same mistake i did. Its been a long road and i still have a long way to go, but since i started detaching it has started getting better both for me and my son. there is an article on detachment here on the sight on the home page. If it were me, i would not let your son live with you . His behavior has shown he has no regard for your feelings and is showing you no respect. you have the right to be treated with respect no matter what the circumstances of your son. I fear if he his in your house his behavior will only escalate.
     
  4. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    I mentioned JobCorps just last week. He won't go. He says it's my fault because I've forced him into therapy and abandoned him at miserable institutional living situations before, so I destroyed any possibility of him ever... and his anxiety....

    I know it's not my fault. I know there's treatment for anxiety that he won't accept.

    When I came into treatment myself I was a mess. I was referred out by therapist after therapist until met the one whose care I have recovered under. I was so emotionally dysregulated that I couldn't speak in sentences, I lived with a lot of abuse at home, and I was not functioning in any way and really giving up. Now I'm very high functioning. What that guy did (and continues to do) is hold hope and stay steady.

    When I kick my son out, when I admit that the situation is a not tenable, it seems so much like I'm closing off hope.

    What I did that allowed recovery, was want it. My son doesn't want it. I'm plenty resourceful, and his behavior has been pretty bad for about 6-years--it's frustrating that I *know* the ropes of surviving all this, but it still hurts so much. And I still feel so guilty.

    His childhood was really pretty bad. But I can't change that. I do everything I can to offer support for positive change.

    ...him being in my home is ok if he's functioning. And no ok if he's not. I can't let him take me down.

    And buying him sandwiches while he hangs out with his friends- no- I want him to cooperate with the agency and spend his time doing treatment.

    He says that I don't respect him- that respect has to be two ways. I say, I don't respect some of your choices. I say, I'm the parent, we aren't equals.... I need to find strategies for not even getting involved in conversation. If anyone has any let me know. There's so much in our relationship that I feel we need professional help to even begin to make progress on. But that's not possible because he won't allow it......

    It is comforting to not be alone. I'm sorry that anyone can identify, but it makes me feel better. It's very difficult to talk to friends about this.

    "Send him to the military"- yeah right. As if I had that sort of power.
    About throwing him out- "what he needs is treatment." As if I had that sort of power.
    About my resentment about him always asking me for money, came the well-meaning reflection that most 18-year-olds are supported by their parents. .....Just-most kids don't stop attending school in the 9th grade then act out, do nothing, etc.

    And it's hard that things really have been worse. So I can keep telling myself- well- it's not as bad as it was..... But I *so* see things as on the road to the way they were. I think that's fueled by hardcore drugs, which is where I think he's going.

    So, balancing- holding hope- with trusting my assessment of the situation.
     
  5. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    yes, getting them to do anything they don't want to do is impossible.,furthermore if they just do it to get you off their back that doesn't help either. because they backslide the minute you let up...been there, done that, own the book! (LOL) sorry i use levity as anti stress (works for me.. if i don't laugh ill just cry) I do see you seem to have your eyes open going through this so GOOD FOR YOU on maintaining what you need to do for you. Don't forget to be kind to yourself. Do something nice for you you deserve that...we all do. It helps us to maintain as we go through the insanity of all this.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    In the thread: Some of the basics in general parenting, you may find some support. There are similarities in your situations.

    You sound very strong and clear to me. In my own journey, I found HOPE to be a very complicated idea and not always helpful for me to hold it for my son. After all, what do we control at this point? Nothing. To have my happiness, contentment, indeed life, to be held hostage for feeling hope for somebody over whom I have no control--felt self-destructive, and ultimately not my business.

    It is for your son to hold hope for himself, not the other way around. My son's hope, rightfully, resides in him.

    Your son is saying No to every single constructive option: therapy, drug treatment, job corps--even respecting the system of locks on your front door, which to my view, was very generous. This time, the past 9 months or so my son was here--I did not give him one key for my house. He was responsible to arrange to meet us. When he was locked out--he was.

    If your son says No, how is it that you are required to say yes? In my culture, by the time they were your son's age, most of the people in my grandparents' generation had left their parents and their countries. And were never again to see them in life. I am not advocating being tough on him or to hurt him, but how do you help him, by allowing him to destroy you? That is what I struggle with understanding. Where is it required that somebody be destroyed by another person, who is not trying to help themselves?

    I understand that your son suffered, and that you suffer, that that has occurred. But there is no way to go back and to change the past. Right now, it appears that the state has taken responsibility for him, and may be looking for a way out, that they avoid the responsibility--because he is avoiding his. I get this. What objectively has changed for you to accept this responsibility?

    All of us suffer from guilt. Missed opportunities. Actions taken, regretted. Not taken, regretted as well. All responsible parents suffer this. It is part of living. And learning.

    Your changing life you have learned. You have not turned your back on your child. Stop letting him batter you, I say. That is not neglect.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2016
  7. CDN_DAD_in_tough

    CDN_DAD_in_tough New Member

    I agree regarding hope...it's a traitorous feeling. I'm early on in this process and I'm still praying that I can get my 15yr old son back on a healthy path but already I've learned that good days are just good days - get an extra hour of solid sleep and prepare for tomorrow, because tomorrow the war rages on.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    For the very young kids, keep fighting. My daughter was hardcore but very young at she quit very young. 19. Never used again. 33. Sometimes it's a phase with younger kids.

    Wishing only good luck to all!
     
  9. Someone posted the book to read and I finished reading it in 2 days.

    Setting Boundaries with your adult children by Allison Bottke.

    I think this book is really great.
     
  10. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    I've been thinking about just the title "Setting Boundaries with your adult children"- I don't know if my son is an adult or not. He's 18. So, on some level.... Would the book apply to someone so young?

    This is what has transpired: I had him pretty much out of the house. But as soon as I got him out he got really sick. Some sort of anxiety/cannabis hyperemesis thing-- more or less a weed toxicity where pot become nausea inducing rather than surpassing. He once vomited for a month until he was eventually hospitalized for drastic weight loss- no physical causes found.

    That came on on a Monday, I think. Then I still had him kicked out until a Thursday, even though he had left the foster home because he said the older, birth children, gang members themselves would beat him up for puking all the time and draining all the hate water in the house (hot showers make him feel better).

    It is infuriating and impossible to live with him in this condition. I don't understand the whole thing-- he can't stop vomiting, but he also induces his own vomiting with his fingers in order to get relief from.... something.

    I accidentally left my door unlocked on that Thursday. He texted me to tell me so then when I got home he was asleep in my bed. It was hard to throw him out again in that state. On Christmas eve I left and spent the night with a friend. He was pretty upset and lonely-- I abandoned him on Christmas. ....but I was loosing my mind.

    On Monday we agreed that he would be gone by the time I got home from work. He was. Then the next morning he was texting me by 3am asking me to lock just the lock he has so he can get in.... needs a place to be... needs his towel... can't use anyone else's towel in the foster home....

    I did- so he could get the towel. But at the end of the day I got a text that he has left his coat at my place and to text him before I go to bed so he could come get it. I blew a fuse. I'm generally really calm, but having a screaming melt down on him seems to be effective. I find that curious.

    Things were just going on and on and on. I let him get the towel, and now he'd made another hook. If I loose sight of the larger situation I'd would not be able to understand my response. Me leaving him on Christmas seemed to have a good effect one his illness, by the way. He recovered, almost in full.

    I sent about 10 texts- threatened to leave the coat on the street- told him to come get it right now... He not only came and got it but also removed the bag of his clothes I've wanted him to. If I was rational and calm and stated what I needed, what I wanted- he would say no. But now that I was a hysterical loon, I got my way. I'm not comfortable with that aspect of how this all went down.

    I've now had two peaceful nights. I'm worried about him, but so relieved not to have heard from him. I really need time to recover myself. I treasure my solitude, but I'm sad, too. Thinking about how I used to have a family..... My ex treated me like his property- so it wasn't *all that*. But it was a family.

    I know I still have my kid, even if I don't want to talk to him. But it's an awful victory... I really do love being alone in the house- it's not that I'm lonely- it's just- a lot of loss I guess.
     
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    dayatatime. It all sounds just so hard. For you, for him.
    I was this way, too. I am this way. I cannot bear it if he is distressed, withdrawn, and will not do anything to help himself.

    They have to get treatment. That is my position. Or do something: work, recreation, the basics.

    It does sound like the boundaries you are setting are helping him set limits in himself. That makes sense, doesn't it? Just like when they were little. They buck up, if we tell them too.

    Take care.
     
  12. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    I think I just can't let him back in- even if he starts to function- because it's always temporary. Or- for now- at this stage in his life- the good spots are temporary. ...which bring us the subject of hope. Maybe they won't *always* be temporary, but without long term treatment and a real commitment to change they will be.

    He was doing recreation- hanging out with his friends getting high and playing video games. It wasn't enough for me. My problem with him not functioning is that the stress of it impinges on my ability to function- then it's time to save myself.

    Me having left the house for Christmas seems to have had a positive (but painful) effect. Throwing him out.... I suspect he's going to go deeper into trouble. I think he just sells pot in small amounts, but I know he buys from people who sell very hardcore drugs- and he had told me that he was advising them on their crack dealing. Something within in has kept him pot and occasional pills- though his use of pot is serious substance abuse territory- I have no problem with recreational use- this isn't it. I guess prayer is what's left for me.

    I want some contact with him. I know right now is too soon- I'm still recovering. And then there's the knowledge that he will just start asking me for money and stuff...... And all the things he will say about how I don't love him, how I only love him if he does what I want him to do, how I have to respect him....

    Because I have the foster home fallback in place, he has a gentler misery than some. And I have some peace of mind knowing he has a roof and some food. Maybe that's all just more enabling- there's an endless amount of second guessing of oneself that can done.
     
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are in this situation. Christmas sounds like it was NOT fun. His vomiting sounds very much like a self induced/panic/anxiety thing. It could be partly too much pot, I guess. But it sounds more like anxiety and sticking his fingers down his throat combined. Part of me can see why the other kids lose patience with him taking up all the hot water, especially if he does this for days or weeks at a time, with no concern for when they need showers.

    I would urge you to stop giving him money or food. Not because you don't love him, but because you do. He has food, he just doesn't want the food he has. When he doesn't have the food he likes, he will eat what is there. Or he will get a job and earn money to buy the food he likes. If he can do that, he doesn't need your money.

    He sounds like he has a serious problem with drugs. I am not buying just weed. At the least, he is using weed laced with other things. That is actually not uncommon. But it is more likely that he is telling you that he is only using weed and reality is that he is taking other things. The more he hangs out with people who use and sell hard drugs, the more likely it is that he uses harder drugs. He would have offers to try them for free because it would make him into a new customer for his friends to sell to. He would also be offered them as his friends are partying with them, and the pressure to try them would be strong. He doesn't seem like he could stand up to that pressure.

    Even if he is 'just' using/abusing marijuana, every penny you give him is another penny he has to spend on his drug of choice. If you buy him food, then his money can go to drugs. If you just give him the money for a sandwich, rather than buying the sandwich, that money can be used for drugs. If you truly feel the need to give him things, give him the sandwich, do not give him the money for food. Don't ever give him money.

    I have a strong opinion on this whole 'respect' issue. He is demanding that you respect him.. WHY? What, exactly, has he done to EARN your respect? He dropped out of school. He won't go to therapy or comply with basic requests. He sure won't show YOU respect. He won't even get his coat from your home unless you have a screaming fit. He stole a key to your home KNOWING that the key was to a lock put in specifically to keep him out, then he used it at least once to break in and use drugs in your home! Please, tell me what he has done that is deserving of respect? I surely do not see why you should give in to his every desire and demand, and why he should give in to nothing that you want except on very rare occasions.

    Maybe I am wrong, but I just do not see it. I am also probably tactless enough to ask the boy this question if he were my son. Actually, I did ask my son something similar at one point. It sure made him angry, but he definitely got my point.

    As for your screaming fit, please don't beat yourself up. Everyone has a breaking point and you reached yours. It actually is good, in my opinion, for your son to see this. He has to see that at some point he has gone too far. And he truly went too far with the one thing after another nonstop. I grew up with a saying that is still in effect, and even my children know it: "Your mother can have anything she wants when she levitates." (said by my father). What he means is that when my mother finally loses her temper and yells/screams, she gets whatever she wants because she has finally been pushed too far. She can be pushed quite far, and is amazingly patient, especially lately with my father, but when she loses it, WOW. It is spectacular and I always just hope it isn't aimed at me. EVERYONE loses it now and then, and especially parents of difficult children. Single parents of difficult parents are given an especially heavy burden, and you do an amazing job with your son. Losing it once in a while is not a bad thing. It reminds everyone that you are only human, and that sometimes, too much is enough.

    I am sorry you had to run away from home for Christmas.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    For what it is worth, my son was very violent at a young age also. We had to get him out of our house or someone or someones were going to end up dead. He ended up living with my parents and it worked out. But I truly do understand why you HAD to get him out of your home due to his violence, and your ex is just an idiot. We did a 3 month psychiatric hospital stay and then my son came home for over a year. But he got more violent again, and he couldn't stay in our home, it was too dangerous for our other children adn for him. I truly DO understand.
     
  15. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    Thank you, everyone for all the support. It goes a long way.

    When I read over the feedback, especially about the idea of respect, my perspective shifts a bit and I can sort of see things from the outside.

    I guess I have these sort of idealistic notions- like that every human deserves respect- unquestionably. ...and it's not that he was doing *nothing* around the house- but, in truth, it was close to nothing....

    We'd have fights about mild things... though the fights weren't really fights- because I don't go to that screaming place- it just isn't me. So there'd be things like him leaving his recycling on the counter- but he said it was my fault because he would have to open the front door dispose of the recycling, and that was humiliating...or something. I never agreed with him- but he'd be this big wall of will and blame.

    Standing up for myself is something I need to learn to do better. I see it all over my life. I have a direct report at work who is a snarky, 23-year-old twit. He's disrespectful to me constantly. There was a small incident today in which he was rolling his eyes at me, questioning my judgement and that of my boss- afterward I felt angry, but at the time I cowered a bit and calmly defended our choice- which was based on factors that were none of his business. Then later in the day he called me... he had just learned to measure the carats in diamonds, but I had someone else re-do it who has been in the business longer than has been alive and I changed his record because he was off- he was generally pissy. He infuriates me daily. It's like parenting all over. I'm being very concrete about these difficulties, because they are simple, not totally overwhelming places that I need to practice.

    A man asked me to lunch today, too. I have zero minus desire to go to lunch with him. I only talk to him because my job requires it, and I can sometimes get some information from him. But I said yes, then just put off scheduling.

    I really, really, really don't want to be this thing that just conforms to the will of others.
     
  16. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    So- he just called. Our first contact since I had fit and and he left with his clothes.

    He was begging to spend the night- just so he could get some rest... that he can't get any rest in the foster home. I said No. He asked if there was anything he could do- he offered to return a photo that is precious to me that he took. I said No. And that he could leave the photo in the mailbox. He asked again, what he could do- he's only a couple blocks away. I said- attend a year of therapy, a 12-step program, and get a job.

    He told me he'd give the photo back next time he sees me. He doesn't want to give it back to give it back- he just want to manipulate with it. ...but my peace means more to me than anything else.

    I don't need to have more sympathy for him than I do for myself.

    He said that he talked to his case worker and actually wants to be in therapy, but he can't be because anything will be through the agency and he won't have privacy. I told him we could go to family therapy where I go- the agency would have nothing to do with it. He declined- blamed me. I said I could try to talk to them, see if he can be seen there alone- he dodged. I would even pay out-of-pocket for him to go somewhere that wasn't associated with the agency- the problem is that he won't do it. I'd be spinning my wheels if I tried to set that up.... I see a big opportunity for me wheel-spinning. He was probably just trying to manipulate me.

    I wish I didn't have all the experiences with his father to compare everything to. I was starting to reassure myself- I know my son really does love me ......but maybe he doesn't really love me. With his Dad I decided in the end that he thought he loved me, but he didn't- he loved some idea that he wanted me to fulfill. There was no room in that for me to be an actual person or have any needs of my own. It's healthier for a kid to have those sorts of expectations than it is for a spouse....

    Now I'm thinking about how maybe I have to give my kid the opportunity to love me. I don't give anyone the opportunity to love me if I don't give myself space to exist.
     
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Dayatatime:

    I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It sounds to me like your son is working full time trying to manipulate you!

    You deserve to have a life and not make your entire life about him and his bad choices. If I were you I would refuse contact with him at all for a while. He has a roof over his head and food and they always make it sound a million times worse than it is to pull the mommy strings. They know how to push our buttons!!

    I had to cut off all contact with my son for months. I knew that if I did not I probably would end up in a rubber room. I had just been worn down to the quick and I couldn't take it anymore.

    As I discussed with my therapist again last night - my love for him is unconditional BUT our relationship has conditions. Bingo. I needed someone to tell me that. Since that time I am in control of ME. He is no longer in control. Take control of your life back. Don't let him put you in a constant tailspin.

    As for the work punk you probably need to put him in his place just once and he will get it. I am a kind person but it makes me angry when people mistake my kindness for weakness. You are stronger than you think!!!
     
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  18. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    RN0441, how did taking a total break in communication play out? Did you have a timeline for it in advance? Was it based on certain goals that had to be met?

    I think you're so right that they always make it sound worse. I've been making more and more distance between me and him. He said he has a job interview and needed a haircut- I did meet him at a place to pay for that then left. He wanted me to buy him yogurts afterward- I said- I don't think you get it- I'm out. Then said he *had* to come over to my house and just weigh himself, because he has to keep an eye on his weight and I'm the only person he knows who owns a scale. I said no.

    Then he texted me some stuff-I'm not sure I would meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder anymore, maybe.... but that's such a stigmatized diagnosis, you can find so much hateful ill-informed and outdated stuff about it on the internet, and then I never was a stereotypical case. It's unfortunate that my son knows that it's part of my history.... because he has been googling it and he texted me this from Psychology Today:

    "The borderline parent compels the child to be more nurturing towards them by portraying themselves as good parents who are dealing with an ungrateful child....

    Consider the following exchange.

    Child: 'Mom I don’t feel well. I have a sore throat.'

    Mother: 'Take some tea with honey.'

    Child: 'I don’t like tea with honey it upsets my stomach.

    Mother: 'You ungrateful little bastard.'...

    The lack of nurturing is not the only problem with the borderline parent-child relationship. The borderline parent lacks insight and believes that she is the fine parent of an ungrateful child and goes to any length to prove that this is the case...."

    I find that all pretty infuriating, outrageously manipulate and lacking insight on his part. It's also really hurtful. I didn't respond.

    The next day he texted to ask for an over the counter medication. I didn't respond.

    The next day he texted, emailed, then called me on his father's phone to ask that I pay his phone bill. He said he'd just had the job interview and that if I didn't pay the bill he wouldn't have a phone for 20 days. I reminded that last time I told him it would be the last time and told him he would work it out. At this point he isn't bothering to argue with me.

    If he really did have the interview, it would be better if he had a number where he could be reached-- but he could use his father's or his foster home... or he can figure something out. Or he can wait until he gets his foster care allowance again and budget better this time then look for a job again. I do want to just drop him for a while. I love the idea of No Communication. It's just scary- don't want it to be permanent. But I don't want the manipulations to be permanent either-- I need to really breakup what we have going on.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think your on the right track.

    Oof work!!!
     
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Dayatatime:

    My son is living in Florida - as you can see by my signature he was sent there for rehab etc. etc. When he screws up I block him from my phone. The only way he can contact me is by email - at work - which I only check M-F. I had him blocked for about a month but I knew he could reach his dad (my husband) if he really needed us. He tries to manipulate me (and is usually successful but I'm getting better) and husband is not easy. He reached out to me that time by email and apologized for everything he has done to hurt me. I continued to block him until we saw him in November. I stayed cautious.

    I blocked him again on Friday night. Reason? He had spent Christmas with us at our condo. Visit was very nice/happy etc. Was smoking weed outside a few times. We didn't say anything; did not want to ruin our holiday. Didn't want to deal with it. Husband planned to discuss it with him later. When we got home he asked husband for some money for rent (we already pay $400; he pays $200) during the day on Friday since he was short (due to Christmas he said) yet we knew he was working before it was due so had time. Husband said no. You can buy weed, you can figure it out. You used rent money for weed? Not our problem. Son then texted me Friday night asking me to ask dad for $15. I said dad said no; weed. He then sent me the middle finger emoji. Wow. He has never said mean things to me nor been disrespectful. I blocked him immediately. I am protecting myself.

    Today I got to work and saw that he emailed me yesterday that he loves and misses me. He sent that yesterday. I responded that I will no longer be hurt by him and his choices. That I love and miss him too but I don't know who he is. That his entire family who love him more than anyone, have been victims of his choices and we don't deserve it. That he has to figure this out. He is an adult.

    When I saw him I know that the parent/child relationship has changed which is normal. He IS growing up but it's happening very slowly.

    Again, boundaries. Our relationship has conditions. I will not tolerate him treating me badly or disrespecting me every again. I have been a good mother to him and I don't deserve it. I am focusing on ME. I am being selfish. I want to live without all this drama and worry and I deserve to.

    I think once I realized that he may die from his poor choices after he overdosed in June - and accepted that - a very hard thing for a mother to do and it took many years to get here - the rest isn't as hard. It sucks but I cannot control him or his choices. I put it in God's hands. When I worry I just say that over and over and it helps.
    :staystrong: