Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Apr 27, 2009.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Good luck this morning! Keep your cool and let them think you are the most cooperative mom in the world at getting your son what he needs in a safe environment

  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Good luck!!!
  3. maril

    maril New Member

    I wish you good luck, too. Hope all goes well and you come out of the meeting with some positive news.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Good luck. I hope things go well for you, you deserve it. You are not a failure, you are a warrior mom!
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending good thoughts!
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks so much for thinking of me, Ladies! I was up half the night with stomach problems- I don't know if it was all stress-induced or not- so now I'm just getting up and around. The appointment is at 3:00. Yesterday I just kept thinking about the things that I feel I need to let this guy know and trying to figure out a way to say them without sounding like I just want to abandon my son or completely refuse to work with this guy under any circumstances.

    I really like what you said, JJJ! I'm working on 2-3 how to word 2-3 other statements in a positive way like that. Also, I was thinking about just letting him know right away that I am aware that the people over there believe all difficult child's problems are resulting from me and that I don't hold that against this guy since we are just meeting, however, if difficult child comes straight home from Department of Juvenile Justice we can't identify any other contributors if I'm not the only problem and if I am the only problem, I want some of the specifics discussed and worked on before he comes home in order to give him the best chance for success.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Good luck!
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Thinking of you! Good luck.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm back!! I signed the paper. It is a form saying what conditions will be in place upon difficult child's release, although these can change if state Department of Juvenile Justice feels they need to before difficult child he is released. It specifies that while difficult child is incarcerated, I will maintain contact difficult child, the parole oofficer, and difficult child's counselor. (I initailly thought that meant a therapist- now I think it just means the Department of Juvenile Justice cm).

    difficult child's estimated time on parole is 6-9 mos. That is good. Intensive in home services was not checked (that means no one is requiring mst at this point). He said difficult child will have to continue mental health treatment but we would work out detailed requirements closer toward his release. We'll both have to meet with parole officer once a mo in his office. There will be 2 contacts made with difficult child per mo besides that. difficult child will have a mentor- I don't have to have any involvement with him. difficult child will have the typical random drug tests, a curfew, and 30 days of house arrest initially. I will be supportive of this.

    now, here's the good and the bad. First the good. The guy seemed happy to discuss my cooncerns and seems more open to discussing things with me than the PO was. He said two phrases that I really liked. the first- "I am not the one on parole." The second was after we discussed the possibility of difficult child going to a group home and he was talking about there being 2 ways to get that and one being a parental palcement so I explained what I already tried too get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that way but no one would do a certificate of need, his response was- "well if they wouldn't cooperate with you we would have to try a different route if difficult child needed that." He also said that I could try for family therapy while difficult child was incarcerated and it shouldn't be a problem but that it would have to be worked out with the facility difficult child goes to.

    Now, the bad side. After looking at ALL the wording on this form at home, there was a place to indicate transitional placement and conidtions. There was also a place where family therapy while difficult child is in could have been written. He said we would meet (him, me and the counselor from the facility) about 30-90 days prior to difficult child's release to determine if difficult child should go to a group home. He said since DSS had not done a certificate of need allowing me to do a parental placement into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that the only other option would be for Department of Juvenile Justice to place difficult child iin one of their 3. (Well, according to info online, those are only for boys 16yo or older.) He didn't mention that he could recommend it to the county team for funding and I didn't bring up that the reason no one would do a certificate of need is because the PO wouldn't recommend it and she was the one in authority of it.

    So now I'm thinking that while it's good that he seems a lot easier to get along with than PO and hopefully, that wasn't just an act to get me to sign this thing and hopefully if we do have a unified front as he said he wanted to work toward that things will go smoother at home, I should have realized that this was the form that would have specified family therapy prior to release as a requirement or a transitional placement. I'm not so sure I trust his statement that we'll discuss that in a few months and adjust it as necessary. Especially after he said that there are a lot of kids who do worse at home and still about 80-90% are released directly to home with no more than this in place. I'm not so sure I trust the statement that I can discuss family therapy with the facility difficult child is sent to and try to get them to give it, either. It seems to me that they are going to say "well, it isn't written in this form you signed". He said if I wasn't comfortable that enough had been done at the time of difficult child's release, that I could give difficult child up to dss. Well, duh. The form says this "plan" was developed by parole officer and parent. I really should not have signed without it listing a transitional plan of family therpay before difficult child comes home. It would do no good to call or make issue of this now- he said he was faxing it to the people for the staffing meeting tomorrow as soon as I left. I guess when those "staffing people" call me tomorrow, I can tell them what I was told but that family therapy is something I am going to require before difficult child comes home. If we can get that resolved, there would be no need for a group home- which would be a great thing since they don't really have one for him.

    Then, he said where he thought difficult child would go and his LOS would probably be 12-18mos with a possible early release of 10 1/2 mos if he did real well. His 2 mos incarcerated since court will come off of that. He gave some pointers about the gang kids that I can relay to difficult child and he said he would be meeting with in the next week or so and would see him periodically while he's in.
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I wouldn't make a big deal about the family therapy at this point. I would wait until difficult child is in the facility where he will be serving his time. With at least 8 months until he will be coming home, you will have time to get that in place once he is settled.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah, except I don't want family therapy after he comes home. It needs to be before he comes home. If they don't do it before he's released, I might not let him come home. Except, that now leaves no other option except turning him over to dss.
  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    When difficult child 2 was in the ER for a psychiatric evaluation a couple of weeks ago and totally losing his mind (figuratively speaking) and a security guard was called down...

    This security guard used to work in juvie detention. He was working as a security guard at the hospital while he gets his degree so he can become a juvenile parole office. He said there are 2 types of PO's: (I'm trying to think of how he said it)...1)the ones that just put in their hours and don't really give a darn, and 2) the ones that want to help the kid stay out of jail. And I tell you, it was this security guard that finally calmed difficult child down just by talking to him when no one else could. I thought he was going to be arrested right there from the hospital he was so out of control.

    To me, based on your conversation with this guy, it sounds like he's the second type. He was interested in talking with you, he was interested in addressing your concerns, he was interested in addressing difficult child's concerns, he let you know that this basically isn't set in stone - that it can change as they better understand difficult child's needs.

    I know you've had a lot of bad experience, but unless/until you learn otherwise, I really would give this guy the benefit of the doubt. I've come to learn that these forms you have to sign are just things they are required to have for funding purposes - so they can check their little box. It does sound like he's interested in a good outcome for difficult child.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Heather! There will be tensions between me and the parole officer, I'm sure. I remember a moment when he did throw out a couple of subtle "hints" that there were threats of the judge and/or dss. And the one time I saw him flinch- when he was saying that difficult child would still need mental health care "after all- I didn't expect difficult child to be cured when he got out of Department of Juvenile Justice, did I" and I said "I don't know- why is he in there? And since I'm required to follow both Department of Juvenile Justice and mental health prof's recommendations, he would need to get on the same page with them because otherwise, I was stuck in the middle and tensions arose and difficult child saw a way in to manipulate. But, if all difficult child needed was Department of Juvenile Justice's behavior mod, then why did he need medications and therapy? If he needs both, then he (the parole officer) can worry about getting them all on the same page". Then, he didn't look too comfortable. But carp- I'm ordered to get help for difficult child, the profs gave me parental advice and recommended Residential Treatment Center (RTC)- the PO and GAL ultimately did not recommend these things. So, what do they want? Why require it when it is them that won't follow the recommendations? If difficult child doesn't need mental health care- then get difficult child off the medications. It's also the mental health people saying we need family therapy before difficult child comes home- but they aren't committing to that.
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2009
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    In this last post it almost seems as though you are baiting this parole officer.

    You cant honestly believe that difficult child will come out of Department of Juvenile Justice cured or that you dont know why difficult child is in Department of Juvenile Justice. difficult child is in Department of Juvenile Justice because he committed a crime. Several of them. It finally caught up with him.

    One thing you really dont want to do is alienate this Parole Officer, really. Not right off the bat. He could turn out to be your best ally or your worst enemy and you dont know which one he is going to be yet. You arent giving him a chance.

    You seem to be stuck on this theory that you have to get everything set in stone right at the beginning and that is rarely how things work with large systems. No one can possibly know how difficult child is going to be a year from now or what his needs are going to be. They are more worried on what is going on now.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I hope he didn't take it that way- he didn't look mad so I don't think he did. This came up because he said he would make sure difficult child got mental health treatment when he got out but he wouldn't get involved in it or something like that- anyway, it was the context of the conoversation and I think he understood that the point was this is why things turned into such a disaster last year. If they are going to order me/difficult child to do any kind of program, they need to be consistent with it themselves. He paraphrasecd back to me that otherwise, difficult child and I are just being pulled in different directions and difficult child is not getting a unified front. I think he took it the way I meant it.