Letters They Never Read
- Thread starter Albatross
- Start date
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I like that you brought your so beautifully expressive letter to son's detox. Though I hope your son will read it, my fondest hope would be that they frame and display that letter at detox.
I wish there could be a copy of your letter in every detox center the world over.
I sincerely hope your son reads your letter this time, Albatross, and that he will hear you and save himself.
I can feel the horror of it shining through, especially around the issue of the foot injections.
I am so sorry.
Cedar
I wish there could be a copy of your letter in every detox center the world over.
I sincerely hope your son reads your letter this time, Albatross, and that he will hear you and save himself.
I can feel the horror of it shining through, especially around the issue of the foot injections.
I am so sorry.
Cedar
Albatross
Well-Known Member
He is out of detox. He had promised to call us and let us know when he got out and who he was staying with, but he didn't. Either he reacted angrily to criticism (his typical reaction when he gets called on his behavior) or he just doesn't care (also typical). His story was inconsistent when husband called him yesterday, so he might be in the wind again or he might turn up. One never knows with difficult children. For now I put my feelings out there, he COULD know how I feel, and I think it is time to put the barricades up again for awhile.
Childofmine
one day at a time
Alb, you have done all you can do for right now. I hope you are still hanging on to whatever cathartic feelings you gained from writing and delivering the letter. There is no way he can read that letter and remain completely unmoved.
That said, that doesn't mean the letter will prompt him to change, as we all know so well and so painfully.
Yes, please re-establish your boundaries---whatever they are and whatever works for you.
I am praying for you and for him, and that he is thinking hard about what is next for himself on a more positive path.
Please keep us posted, Alb. We are here for you.
That said, that doesn't mean the letter will prompt him to change, as we all know so well and so painfully.
Yes, please re-establish your boundaries---whatever they are and whatever works for you.
I am praying for you and for him, and that he is thinking hard about what is next for himself on a more positive path.
Please keep us posted, Alb. We are here for you.
blackgnat
Active Member
Albatross, that is an amazing letter, painfully honest and beautifully written. It epitomizes the sadness we feel as parents, as we finally accept what our child has become. And IS.
I am approaching a very similar place with my difficult child and I will certainly refer back to your letter whenever I need inspiration or a reality check.
Thank you for willingly opening your heart to us all.
I am approaching a very similar place with my difficult child and I will certainly refer back to your letter whenever I need inspiration or a reality check.
Thank you for willingly opening your heart to us all.
Dear Albatross, I read your post last night a wanted to share a couple of thoughts with you. I am sure you've heard all this before, but I hope you may get a little speck of peace from remembering this. My son's old psychiatrist, who specialized in addictions, told me that the success rate from enrollment in compelled addiction recovery programs was equal to the success rate from completely voluntary enrollment in addiction recovery programs. So the sad fact of someone never really wanting to enroll, and possibly being forced to by a court of law, etc. has the same chance of success. With my own son, thinking that maybe he'd never want to, but may get a DUI and get forced to. Just knowing the success rate is the same, gives me hope. The other thing I want to share is, I heard an interview with a former child actor who had been clean and sober for 10 years. He went through rehab 5 times! 5 before it worked. FINALLY it got through...there is always hope. Take care. Luane
Albatross
Well-Known Member
An update of sorts. I took the letter to his detox unit and left it for him. He left detox but we did not know where he went. A week after I dropped the letter he showed up at the house with his backpacking gear on and his car stuck in the middle of nowhere. Somehow (because it is so hard not to get caught up in the maelstrom) I ended up helping him get his car out and let him spend the night. We talked to him about his plan to go hiking and that he had just left detox and wouldn't be getting a lot of sobriety support on the trail. We let him make some calls to see about getting his old job back, which didn't work out, and his old bed at the sober living facility, which might work out. He spent Saturday morning watching TV and I told him I was getting some deja vu about a lack of effort with job hunting. He said he did not think anyone would be in the office on Saturday and said he would be hard at job hunting first thing Monday morning, and added that he understood why I would feel that way, given his history.
Honestly, I had my doubts, but yesterday he was up when he said he would be, made calls, secured an interview and got a job with a moving company. He started today. "Loaned" him a tank of gas so he could get to work this week. Said he hopes to be back in his sober living house in 30 days, which is what the director promised if he stayed sober and found a full-time job. The work site is close to the sober living house and the hours will allow him to go to his group meetings.
He told me he had already decided to leave detox and was checking himself out when they handed him my letter. He read it and went to stay with a friend, the one who will smoke a little pot with him but will not tolerate him drinking or using anything else. She read the letter and told him that what I was saying is that it is very sad that he would give up so many wonderful dreams just to get wasted, and she told him that he needed to at least let us know where he was. In that difficult child brain of his, it somehow made sense to him that he would hide his car in the woods and leave on the adventure he'd given up on to drink, then call and let us know he was doing it (of course not remembering what day his prepaid phone plan expired and that he wasn't prepared).
Unfortunately, as preposterous as that is, it sounds like something he would do.
So who knows how much of what he is telling me is true. But he's working, he's been going to meetings every other day, he's been pleasant to be around and he helps without being asked. He has a plan in place to get back to the situation that helped him get 5 months of sobriety under his belt.
I don't know how long it will last, but for today I am glad that I gave him the chance to do things differently. Now I am going to continue stepping back and stop trying to control the outcome.
Honestly, I had my doubts, but yesterday he was up when he said he would be, made calls, secured an interview and got a job with a moving company. He started today. "Loaned" him a tank of gas so he could get to work this week. Said he hopes to be back in his sober living house in 30 days, which is what the director promised if he stayed sober and found a full-time job. The work site is close to the sober living house and the hours will allow him to go to his group meetings.
He told me he had already decided to leave detox and was checking himself out when they handed him my letter. He read it and went to stay with a friend, the one who will smoke a little pot with him but will not tolerate him drinking or using anything else. She read the letter and told him that what I was saying is that it is very sad that he would give up so many wonderful dreams just to get wasted, and she told him that he needed to at least let us know where he was. In that difficult child brain of his, it somehow made sense to him that he would hide his car in the woods and leave on the adventure he'd given up on to drink, then call and let us know he was doing it (of course not remembering what day his prepaid phone plan expired and that he wasn't prepared).
Unfortunately, as preposterous as that is, it sounds like something he would do.
So who knows how much of what he is telling me is true. But he's working, he's been going to meetings every other day, he's been pleasant to be around and he helps without being asked. He has a plan in place to get back to the situation that helped him get 5 months of sobriety under his belt.
I don't know how long it will last, but for today I am glad that I gave him the chance to do things differently. Now I am going to continue stepping back and stop trying to control the outcome.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Oh, wow.
I love the part about him reading the letter.
Deciding to see a different friend than he might otherwise have chosen because of it.
:0)
With all my heart Albatross, sending strength for you to stay the course and wishing well.
:0)
Cedar
I love the part about him reading the letter.
Deciding to see a different friend than he might otherwise have chosen because of it.
:0)
With all my heart Albatross, sending strength for you to stay the course and wishing well.
:0)
Cedar
HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
Your words live deeply inside of me. At a certain point, when we are empty inside, that's all there is to say. We are reduced to "I love you and wish you the best." But, given that is an IV drug user (alternating meth and heroin), likes to lay down in the middle of traffic in suicide attempts (twice now), and has been shot in a drug-hazed game of Russian Roulette (he didn't die...but the guy next to him did), I also plan for his funeral on some level.
You are eloquent in your words, Albatross. I feel you. And I support you.
A close friend used to say, "My daughter is the deer in the headlights." To which I replied, "My son is the headlights."
Albatross, take care. You are wise and not alone.
You are eloquent in your words, Albatross. I feel you. And I support you.
A close friend used to say, "My daughter is the deer in the headlights." To which I replied, "My son is the headlights."
Albatross, take care. You are wise and not alone.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Update. Found a 4 Loco in his room after he had been home 4 days, the day after he started his new job. After much discussion and the usual apologies, all agreed that he would go to daily meetings, call his sponsor daily, the usual blah blah blah. Things good for about a week, then all the signs were there again. I didn't have hard evidence because he has honed his hiding skills but I told him I noticed he was isolating and thought he needed to go to a meeting.
He went to a meeting and his old sober living manager texted me and told me difficult child looks great and he would take him back. Great, we thought. He can get more support over there. Then difficult child gets home falling down drunk, screaming at us about how we have never supported him, never cared, etc. All the gas in the car gone, so he went on a long joyride, dead drunk, in our car because he didn't have $ for gas. Somehow had $ for booze though.
Called sober living mgr and told him, because I didn't feel right about hiding that. He said if difficult child doesn't drink for a week he can have a spot, so either go to detox (and lose his job) or we can spot breathalize him this week. My vote is detox, but husband says that would mean the past 3 weeks have been for nothing and he won't have a job when he gets out of detox. The very thin sliver of me that actually gives a crap about this kid right now doesn't want him to lose his job, so I guess we will go with option B. The rest of me just really, really wants him to go away. I guess I will keep minimal contact until next Saturday, or until he blows more than zero on his breathalizer and goes to detox. Then I'm taking a break for awhile.
Sorry if it sounds horrible, but I really don't like this person. I think I don't want him in my life for awhile.
He went to a meeting and his old sober living manager texted me and told me difficult child looks great and he would take him back. Great, we thought. He can get more support over there. Then difficult child gets home falling down drunk, screaming at us about how we have never supported him, never cared, etc. All the gas in the car gone, so he went on a long joyride, dead drunk, in our car because he didn't have $ for gas. Somehow had $ for booze though.
Called sober living mgr and told him, because I didn't feel right about hiding that. He said if difficult child doesn't drink for a week he can have a spot, so either go to detox (and lose his job) or we can spot breathalize him this week. My vote is detox, but husband says that would mean the past 3 weeks have been for nothing and he won't have a job when he gets out of detox. The very thin sliver of me that actually gives a crap about this kid right now doesn't want him to lose his job, so I guess we will go with option B. The rest of me just really, really wants him to go away. I guess I will keep minimal contact until next Saturday, or until he blows more than zero on his breathalizer and goes to detox. Then I'm taking a break for awhile.
Sorry if it sounds horrible, but I really don't like this person. I think I don't want him in my life for awhile.
Reading along too Alb. I'm so sorry. It is all so exhausting and debilitating, and often there is no end in sight........we need to take breaks from the onslaught, you're doing well, it doesn't feel like it though, I know...........right here with you........
Childofmine
one day at a time
Alb I went back and read the whole thread. You once again have had a lot of ups and downs in a very short period of time.
Bless you Alb. I am so sorry that he has relapsed and that you are in the line of fire of his disease. This awful terrible disease.
He has not yet hit his bottom Alb. He's not done cookin' yet.
So guard yourself and your serenity. There is nothing you can do to speed up the clock of his recovery.
So in the meantime, as he walks his path, keep on walking yours. Take care of yourself. Set the boundaries you need to set. Be kind to yourself. Claim some time, space, distance as you can. Carve out a place to stand strong during this hard time.
Step up the tools in your toolbox.
Our difficult children are an agonizing blend of sick and sweet, health and outrageousness, self destructiveness and light.
It is so hard and so exhausting and so confusing.
All we can really ever do here is let go. Today I took difficult child to work and picked him up. Right before he got in the car each time I prayed the serenity prayer out loud. I resolved to say little or nothing but to say I love you.
In the early morning he said very little. This afternoon, he said they told him they are thinking about making him a manager when the new store he is training for opens. You hear and see the pride. He also had his first paycheck in his hand. First money he has earned in 17 months. He is proud. I said wow that is great. Congratulations.
Then he said I hope I don't have to spend it all. He was referring to bailing out the girlfriend who stabbed him who he says did not stab him.
I didn't say anything to that. I just said I love you.
I am working to accept what is an love him anyway.
Warm hugs to all of us and especially to you Alb. We are here for you. Keep us posted. We care.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
Bless you Alb. I am so sorry that he has relapsed and that you are in the line of fire of his disease. This awful terrible disease.
He has not yet hit his bottom Alb. He's not done cookin' yet.
So guard yourself and your serenity. There is nothing you can do to speed up the clock of his recovery.
So in the meantime, as he walks his path, keep on walking yours. Take care of yourself. Set the boundaries you need to set. Be kind to yourself. Claim some time, space, distance as you can. Carve out a place to stand strong during this hard time.
Step up the tools in your toolbox.
Our difficult children are an agonizing blend of sick and sweet, health and outrageousness, self destructiveness and light.
It is so hard and so exhausting and so confusing.
All we can really ever do here is let go. Today I took difficult child to work and picked him up. Right before he got in the car each time I prayed the serenity prayer out loud. I resolved to say little or nothing but to say I love you.
In the early morning he said very little. This afternoon, he said they told him they are thinking about making him a manager when the new store he is training for opens. You hear and see the pride. He also had his first paycheck in his hand. First money he has earned in 17 months. He is proud. I said wow that is great. Congratulations.
Then he said I hope I don't have to spend it all. He was referring to bailing out the girlfriend who stabbed him who he says did not stab him.
I didn't say anything to that. I just said I love you.
I am working to accept what is an love him anyway.
Warm hugs to all of us and especially to you Alb. We are here for you. Keep us posted. We care.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
How did he get your car while drunk? Or at all???? Oh, well.
I'm all for rehab/sober living house, even if it doesn't work. It does not seem that your son is there yet where he want to get sober. If it were me, I'd not care about the job right now and worry more about him getting sober, even if he probably won't. Most likely he will go to work obviously not right and get fired anyway.
You can search his room for clues as to what he is using, although at his age...who cares? All you need to know is that he is being self-destructive and that you know better than to want to help him self-destruct by enabling him in your house and by handing him money. Because you love him, you need to let him go. I think it is sane of you to detach from him, not horriblle. It's called healthy boundaries, taking care of ourselves and detaching from the dysfunction. I hope you can find some peace and serenity by taking your focus off of him and on each precious moment, one moment at a time
I'm all for rehab/sober living house, even if it doesn't work. It does not seem that your son is there yet where he want to get sober. If it were me, I'd not care about the job right now and worry more about him getting sober, even if he probably won't. Most likely he will go to work obviously not right and get fired anyway.
You can search his room for clues as to what he is using, although at his age...who cares? All you need to know is that he is being self-destructive and that you know better than to want to help him self-destruct by enabling him in your house and by handing him money. Because you love him, you need to let him go. I think it is sane of you to detach from him, not horriblle. It's called healthy boundaries, taking care of ourselves and detaching from the dysfunction. I hope you can find some peace and serenity by taking your focus off of him and on each precious moment, one moment at a time
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Thank you, wisest moms I know. It is priceless just to be able to say things here, and know that someone who understands hears them. This would be unbearably lonely otherwise.
MWM, my post was poorly worded. I suspected he was drinking or getting ready to and told him I thought he needed to go to a meeting. He has not gotten his first paycheck yet and had no gas in his car. husband let him use our car to go to the meeting because it had half a tank. Somehow he had money to get blotto after the meeting and go on a drunken joyride in our car, even though he had no money for gas. But you are right, I should not ever have let him drive the car. I should have never let him move back in. I am just so desperate that I refuse to see reality.
COM, you are right. He is not done cookin' yet. It would be nice for ME to know that he is back where he had a few months of sobriety and that he has a job, but that doesn't make those things important to HIM.
I guess the good thing about the breathalizer is it takes the emotion out of the decision. He has a chance to detox here and keep his job and at least he'll be out in a week. If he doesn't take it, he goes to detox and he's out now and maybe lands in a better situation. Either way I need to distance myself from his decisions and put the focus back on relationships that provide more support.
MWM, my post was poorly worded. I suspected he was drinking or getting ready to and told him I thought he needed to go to a meeting. He has not gotten his first paycheck yet and had no gas in his car. husband let him use our car to go to the meeting because it had half a tank. Somehow he had money to get blotto after the meeting and go on a drunken joyride in our car, even though he had no money for gas. But you are right, I should not ever have let him drive the car. I should have never let him move back in. I am just so desperate that I refuse to see reality.
COM, you are right. He is not done cookin' yet. It would be nice for ME to know that he is back where he had a few months of sobriety and that he has a job, but that doesn't make those things important to HIM.
I guess the good thing about the breathalizer is it takes the emotion out of the decision. He has a chance to detox here and keep his job and at least he'll be out in a week. If he doesn't take it, he goes to detox and he's out now and maybe lands in a better situation. Either way I need to distance myself from his decisions and put the focus back on relationships that provide more support.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
What a horrible shock.
I am so sorry.
Don't give up on him.
Self sabotage is a big thing for all of us. I think especially scary for us when we've had a certain amount of success. What if we can't do it. What if we do it, and we're miserable forever. What if we just need a little something, just a little, last time something, before we give it up forever.... We might begin to project all those things we feel about ourselves onto the very people we love enough to make the effort to stop using.
Justifying away, we dive in.
Throw it all away before you lose it.
At least then, you are making the choice.
Success was so close.
It still is.
Only difficult child can make that choice.
Even here on the site, we sometimes find ourselves white knuckling it through changing our emotional responses and enabling behaviors to our kids.
So I think "expected." I think "Okay. He survived. He didn't kill anyone or himself. He came home and faced the music like someone who...wants help. Like someone who wants to try, or who wants to be tossed out to justify not trying.
So, that's my take on it.
He still has a chance.
Alb, he doesn't have to know that you know this.
All he needs to know is exactly what you said in your letter.
You can't fight this battle for him, Alb.
You can't do anything but tell him he is going to need to be stronger than he is to beat this thing.
Tell him you love him too much to watch him self destruct, and that you will not be part of it.
Tell him the stakes of the trap he is in are that he gets his life back if he wins.
That's it.
No reward, no brass band.
And that if he loses, he loses his life to an ugly, crippling disease that will strip him of every decency before it takes even his life.
I'm so sorry this is happening, Alb. There truly are no magic words, no perfect phrase, no response you can make that can turn this around for your son.
Only he can do it.
Your letter reached in, touched something still alive in his heart.
It's going to be a long way back.
He is going to have to be very strong.
You. ..Alb, I'm so sorry, but I think you and husband need to be making some kind of plan for what you will do and how you will survive the loss of this time of hope, of this incredible reprieve, if your son does not make it into sober house.
You are as strong as you were before he came back to you, Alb.
And you love him just as much.
Cedar
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
If they have money and didn't work, the money came from some sort of illegal means. That has been my experience anyway. They either steal or sell something of theirs (which isn't illegal, but often is very dear to them thus a red flag) or sell drugs. Money doesn't just materialize when there isn't any. My daughter used to dip into my purse and take a little at a time, which would make me think I hadn't counted my money right. She did not tell me, nor did I know, until she quit and confessed all. She also sold some drugs and claims everyone who uses drugs also sells them. When I said that can't be true, she was adamant...if you use, you sell. Is the right? I never lived in that world. I am taking her word for it, because she has no reason to lie anymore. She has been clean now for ten years.
We want to think the best about our kids. I did. Therefore I sort of buried my head in the sand. That is common and normal. But it is, in retrospect, best to be on guard and not get too high or low, expect surprises but, most of all, go on with your life and don't enable. My daughter was in three serious vehicle mishaps. One was in our van when she said she was going to pick up a friend to bring her back home so she could sleep overnight. Ten hours later she called from another state with our van's engine having blown up and caught on fire and it's a miracle nobody was hurt. She had gone on a "road trip." After that she had no access to our car, but "friends" (and difficult children have the common sense of a challenged frog) let her drive their cars. She cracked them both up and was sued on one accident where she owed thousands of dollars long after she quit using drugs. So naturally I get nervous when I hear about difficult children who drink and do drugs being on wheels.
My attitude is a cynical one, as is my personality. Rather than waiting for the day my daughter stopped using, I started going to Al-Anon and lived and breathed "one day at a time, one moment at a time." Her behavior in no way indicated she would ever quit so I did not wait for that to happen. If it did, it did and I couldn't control if it didn't. Things got better, at least for me (and I was starting to realize I did matter) once she lived elsewhere. And when she got clean, she had to stay clean for over a year before I truly believed she would keep doing it. But she had changed her entire life...from cutting all her ties to drug users, not looking for any new drug users in her new state, and being very lonely just to not be in the path of druggies to getting a job and walking to it, back and forth, regardless of the snow or heat. She was living in her brother's basement and he reported her home all the time with no visitors except her new boyfriend, who she is still with. Their entire attitude changes when they are really ready to give it up. Until then...one day at a time, one precious moment at a time, and reciting The Serenity Prayer...no expectations...living in the moment as it is right then...taking good care of ourselves and paying attention to our well behaved and caring loved ones, and not just obsessing on our difficult child(s). We need to give ourselves permission to have a great life and wonderful, fun times even while our difficult children continue to make horrible decisions. We still deserve happiness and joy.
JMO
We want to think the best about our kids. I did. Therefore I sort of buried my head in the sand. That is common and normal. But it is, in retrospect, best to be on guard and not get too high or low, expect surprises but, most of all, go on with your life and don't enable. My daughter was in three serious vehicle mishaps. One was in our van when she said she was going to pick up a friend to bring her back home so she could sleep overnight. Ten hours later she called from another state with our van's engine having blown up and caught on fire and it's a miracle nobody was hurt. She had gone on a "road trip." After that she had no access to our car, but "friends" (and difficult children have the common sense of a challenged frog) let her drive their cars. She cracked them both up and was sued on one accident where she owed thousands of dollars long after she quit using drugs. So naturally I get nervous when I hear about difficult children who drink and do drugs being on wheels.
My attitude is a cynical one, as is my personality. Rather than waiting for the day my daughter stopped using, I started going to Al-Anon and lived and breathed "one day at a time, one moment at a time." Her behavior in no way indicated she would ever quit so I did not wait for that to happen. If it did, it did and I couldn't control if it didn't. Things got better, at least for me (and I was starting to realize I did matter) once she lived elsewhere. And when she got clean, she had to stay clean for over a year before I truly believed she would keep doing it. But she had changed her entire life...from cutting all her ties to drug users, not looking for any new drug users in her new state, and being very lonely just to not be in the path of druggies to getting a job and walking to it, back and forth, regardless of the snow or heat. She was living in her brother's basement and he reported her home all the time with no visitors except her new boyfriend, who she is still with. Their entire attitude changes when they are really ready to give it up. Until then...one day at a time, one precious moment at a time, and reciting The Serenity Prayer...no expectations...living in the moment as it is right then...taking good care of ourselves and paying attention to our well behaved and caring loved ones, and not just obsessing on our difficult child(s). We need to give ourselves permission to have a great life and wonderful, fun times even while our difficult children continue to make horrible decisions. We still deserve happiness and joy.
JMO
Last edited:
