Losing my mind!

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by leslie E, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. leslie E

    leslie E Momontheedge

    My 18 yr old son stole $500 from a joint account. And his buddy took the ATM card and then stole another $2500. This money was technically his (it's a SS account from his deadbeat dad), but he stole it none the less. He is smoking lots of pot and failing Senior year of HS. Former 3.5 student with tons of potential. He was also recently arrested (pre 18) for trashing a car with rock and a club. I am at the end of my rope and after reading so many posts here am not sure what my best move is. He is seeing a counselor and says he wants to turn over a new leaf/hates who he is and his life right now. Do I have him arrested? I really don't want to do that, he seems so broken and was hysterically crying, telling me he felt worthless... I don't know what to do or how I will ever sleep again.
     
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    He sounds like...from my past experience that he needs a doctor. Psychiatrist.

    Pot does not help his depression and despair.
     
  3. leslie E

    leslie E Momontheedge


    Thank you. I decided to work from home some (today and into the future) to just be here with him, he is not happy about this decision on my part, but I think he's more like a toddler now than an adult, so maybe my physical presence will help keep him focused and cut down (or out?) the pot. He is seeing a therapist, weekly and has been for about 8 weeks.
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    You also might move your post to substance abuse...are you sure it's only pot? I hate saying that, but what did he do with all the money.

    Sorry for your hurting heart...you sound strong. Take care of you, more will be along!
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son saw a therapist also but it was more to pacify me because he really did not get anything out of it nor was he seriously ready to change his ways. He kept going down a slippery slope.

    Nothing we did made a difference. He'd do very well for very long and then go right back to binge using, lying, stealing, and raising hell.

    I hope and pray this is not the road you have to go down. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    You may even consider seeing a therapist for yourself if this behavior continues. It's so important to set boundaries for everyone's benefit.

    Do you have other children or others living in your home that give you emotional support?
     
  6. leslie E

    leslie E Momontheedge

    Thanks for your words, I decided to be different with him starting today too. He resisted me being home working, but then before he left for his counselor appointment we took a nice walk with the dog. Short yes, but I expressed to him that in order to change, he needs to look at things from a new angle. I hope and pray that we can get him to turn around now/quickly as I think he has hit some sort of bottom. He had a near nervous breakdown yesterday when I discovered what he had done. I am going to look for someone to talk with too, but with working full time and then trying to juggle being here for him when he's home, I am not sure where to even find the time to start! Plus I am paying out of pocket for him as it is, so expensive.

    It sounds like you've been through the mill. Ouch. And you are so right about boundaries. That's my weak area for sure. His father said I should have had him arrested, but I didn't want to do that to him and further sabotage his potential for change and a better future. Maybe that would have a good move, I don't know. What do you think?

    My son has a great girlfriend who is clean and good and smart (good family, A student) and another friend that is going to college on a full ride, those are the kinds of people I do want him around.

    Where is your son now? I have a 25 year old who is doing great. He is not mine biologically, but I raised him too. His mom left him when he was 5 and then when his dad and I divorced we both knew he needed to stay with me.

    His father, and the father of my troubled son, is a recovered alcoholic. He had his "break" in front of my troubled son when he was 14. He witnessed complete rage and a bad mix of drugs and alcohol, including the smashing of my furniture and had to scream at his own Dad to get him out of the house. It was terrible. They have almost no relationship at this point. And my son is not close to his older brother, he finds him too judgmental (he sort of is).

    Needless to say, we are a mess and trying to figure out how to be whole again. I will remain in a place of love and hope, because I don't know how else to be. Denial anyone? Thx.
     
  7. leslie E

    leslie E Momontheedge

    Thank you for your words and thoughts. I have searched high and low to find evidence that he's on more than pot, but have not been able to find any trace. He tells me over and over that the rest of the money this scary dude took, but I am still thinking that he's not telling me the entire truth on this. He will be paying that part back to me, but say's that he left the atm card in this guys truck and then got it back. It doesn't wash to me, but I have asked so so many times about this detail and am having no luck getting more. I think I will table that part for the police, as I did file a report. Maybe by that time, I can get to the bottom of the money part.

    I went to yoga yesterday for the first time in months, that was a treat. I am not that strong, feel very flattened at this point. And yes, more will be along. I don't doubt that for a moment. He never ceases to surprise me, this one.
     
  8. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I meant more will be along on the forum with much more wisdom. Drug questions....get an at home drug test. Unfortunately...we bought in bulk.

    Nope. The stories never do wash...cause their just stories!

    Stick with yoga to stay self aware...y o u matter!
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Leslie

    Our son is still in Florida. We are in Illinois. He found a room on Craigslist and rents from a nice woman that lets him use the entire apartment and he has his own bedroom and bathroom. We assist with rent payments but he works and pays for all his own food and gas. He has been doing much better but is still very immature and it's a long road but at least our home is calm. He is better there than here with us because he just wasn't growing up at all with us. He has met a nice girl also. I honestly think she is an angel. My signature tells our story in short.

    I let my husband handle him mostly now because I wasn't strong enough to be as firm as I needed to be and thought more with my heart. It wasn't good for our marriage either. Son kept slipping in between us and we have always had a good marriage and now we have that again and I am grateful. I don't think it was good for our son either. They know how to manipulate and pull on the heart strings.

    Maybe your son will turn this around. If this is truly his first indiscretion then maybe it was a one time thing. But I would insist he pay you back and set up written rules for your home and what you expect. This is not only for him but for you too. We tried that but at the time my son was using and just didn't care about anything. He started with marijuana also and for him it was a gateway drug. I smoked it myself when I was a teen so didn't think it was so bad. For him it was. Some of them just have a mindset that they just don't care. We dealt with that for a long time. Very hard to understand that way of thinking.

    You have to try to look at him as a young adult and not that little boy any longer. It is very hard for a mother to do. I still struggle with it a lot. I'm seeing a therapist now myself to help me maintain healthy boundaries with him. I have so many emotions as it relates to him that it is mind boggling.

    Looking back I wish we had been stronger in the beginning of this but we didn't know what we were dealing with. It was like getting hit by a freight train. I know you do not want to call the police on your son but he needs to know this is his one and only free pass. They can turn on the tears to manipulate also but you know him best.

    I really feel we have done our best to raise him and he has to decide what kind of life he wants to live. He has to be able to look at himself in the mirror every day. I hope that with more maturity this will happen. I am trying to focus on enjoying my life now because for the past five years it has been all about saving him. I finally realized that you cannot control another person and he has to want to save himself.