Meeting with hospital social worker tomorrow

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Sep 26, 2013.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So difficult child doesn't want to go back to his halfway house. Too many rules, too many restrictions. I think he wants to go back to the condo we had bought for him. Or another, less restrictive place. He claims that the other addicts have been "picking on him".

    I am first going to show him the bills and tell him that we are not able to shell out any money for an apartment or co sign for a fancy, less restrictive halfway house.

    I am going to tell him that he needs to finish the program there and deal with his issues regarding his lack of initiative in sticking up for himself and getting along with the other clients.

    And, of course, he is not coming back here or to the condo.

    And why he would think that a less restrictive environment would be good for him after his bout with substance induced psychosis? ( If you haven't been following my story, he became delusional after abusing his Adderal. Was doing good for 5 months.)

    My therapist helped me with the talking points. But I need the support of the board! Anything to add anyone?
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi IAD. I am not an expert on substance abuse, but I have a lot of experience with mental illness and lately with lots of opportunities for detachment. From all those standpoints, in my opinion, you are doing exactly the right thing. Letting him know you will not financially continue supporting him and that he needs to learn the skills to figure life out for himself. Good job.

    And, I know it's hard to make those kind of strong boundaries too. MY first thought when I read that your son said the other addicts are "picking on him" was, "how old is he again?" It's hard to imagine a 26 year old man saying that. He sounds immature. He needs help to make some adult choices and also to learn how to take care of himself in a healthy way. Do they teach life skills where he presently is? How much longer is the program? Once he's out, where does he go then? Does he have support throughout the process, professional help to guide him?

    To me this all sounds like it's the turning point, where you make strict boundaries and uphold them and force him to learn how to be self sufficient, or at least learn how to live on his own with any help he may need supplied by other resources other then you. Are there group homes where he can live? What are his options once he's out?

    I have found with my own difficult child to make sure all the possible loopholes are closed, then she can't utilize any manipulations. So, all the things you don't like or don't want to do, or need to restrict, you need to say up front, now. Don't hold back, now is the time to make it absolutely clear what it is you want, what you are willing to help with and what you are not. Be honest with yourself about REALLY, what it is you want now.

    I think you're doing a really good job. It's great that you have a therapist to guide you too. Yeah, he needs more help now, not less.
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yes, RE, the program he was in teaches life skills such as managing money, time management, etc. You are right, he needs more supervision, not less! This program give you thirty days to find a job and then all your paychecks are handed over minus 20.00 a week for sundry articles. They provide food and toiletries for 500.00 a month, goes down to 400.00 plus buy your own food when you get to the three quarters house. Very reasonable, and an excellent program for the money. Group, meetings, individual counseling once a week. Independent living once they make it out of three quarters. Dual diagnosis. Very structured.

    Thanks, RE. It's been on my mind as I sit here typing at 2 30 AM. I will plug any holes and stay strong, although I will first listen to what he and the social worker has to say.
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    IAD, the other people there, difficult child's peer group, are encouraged to call him on the games he plays with people's heads. It is part of the treatment process to be confronted on your manipulative behaviors by those who have done the same thing. difficult child should stay where he is. This sounds like an excellent program. I really like the idea of progressive return to work, and to personal responsibility.

    When our difficult child son was in the thick of his addictive behaviors? He wanted us to buy him a duplex. His thought was to live in one side and rent out the other. We didn't do that. Looking back over the years that came next, we were so glad we hadn't fallen for that one. :O) I think your difficult child is having a really hard time adjusting to treatment, and that is okay. Treatment is tough. Maybe, you could see his complaining as evidence that he is working the program ~ and that the program is working, for him.

    I like it that he is being honest with you. That is a really good thing, and makes me feel hopeful that, if he will stay with the program, he will beat the addiction.

  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD,he is getting excellent support. You're right to insist he stay there and complete the program, this is his chance.............and yours too. Please update us after your meeting today. Hang tough. We've got your back!
  6. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hey thanks, RE and Cedar. The meeting is in 90 minutes. I have my talking points and I am gearing myself up.
  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Some of the ways my difficult child has manipulated me, and I fell for them, amaze me now. Mine quit his job to go to school full time, zero income, and didn't understand what the problem was.

    by the way, he was going for a degree in computer security with 3 felony charges on his record.

    The year and a half my son was clean and sober the metal problems seemed to disappear. I wish you and your son the best.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, how did the meeting go?
  9. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    This really struck me. I keep looking for reasons besides the substance abuse to explain the mental problems, because I don't actually witness the substance abuse, but I do see the mental problems. But really, it's probably the drugs. Or, at least, nobody knows one way or the other unless the drugs are out of the picture for a while.
  10. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone. difficult child is going back to the same halfway house. I told him we were not willing to put out money to move him elsewhere. I brought along copies of bills and insurance statements so he could see all the money we were shelling out for his care. Told him he was on his own if he decided to do something different. We told him the present halfway house is the best way for him to work out his issues and become independent. So, he capitulated.

    I also told him off because he hung up on his dad the other night. He has a very contentious relationship with dad. Says dad makes him very anxious. Told him he needed to deal with his anxiety in therapy. Makes no sense. You'd think dad was beating him bloody with a pipe every day while he was growing up. Dad was the strict one, the suspicious one, who tried to make me see things that were going on that I didn't want to see. That's what he gets for being a good parent...a son who tries to avoid him and won't engage with him. I'm sure this is all part of difficult child's mental pathology, but I wonder if coddling it is the best thing.

    Neuropsychologist seeing him today for neuropsychologist test. SW recommended he set up appointment with Office of Vocational Rehabilitation after results. Possible discharge Wednesday.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have found that my son and his father have a worse relationship when things are going badly...or he is living with us. Right now he and his youngest daughter are staying here. Well the baby is here the majority of the time, about two days a week her mom takes her with her. Believe me, we are having problems with that. We dont see eye to eye with him on some of his parenting skills plus he is not behaving all that well.
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, thanks for the update. Wow, it all sounds good. Great idea to bring the bills for him to see the absolute reality of all of this. He can no longer afford to live in a fantasy world.

    Good you called him on his behavior towards his Dad too. I think our kids need more reality checks and to make sure their bad behavior is addressed immediately. I wish I would have not allowed my daughter to treat me in certain ways I now see as soon as I began putting a stop to it, she just stopped doing it. Amazing. We really do live what we allow.

    He's probably anxious around his Dad because he can't snow him as easily as he can snow you. His Dad sees the truth.

    Good that he's seeing the Neuropsychologist for the testing. So, when he is discharged he goes to Independent living or three quarters? It sure sounds like everything is moving along in a positive healthy way. He is getting great care IAD. You did a good job. This is his big chance, keep giving him doses of reality...........

    While he's safely tucked away, take care of YOU too, it's so easy to forget that. Sending good thoughts for you and your family..........
  13. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    You handled that really well - I agree that bringing the bills was a good idea. My ex went to voc rehab, and they were really helpful, so hoping your difficult child takes good advantage of any help they can offer him.
  14. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Just checking in to see how things are progressing.

    Please do what you can to take extra care of yourself during this time. We are facing incredible challenges that those with normal children cannot even begin to comprehend. It is important that we do what we can to practice excellent self care.

    Cherish yourself, your family, and your own life and time. Very, very important, to do that.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.

  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    He's probably anxious around his Dad because he can't snow him as easily as he can snow you. His Dad sees the truth.

    That's a good point RE!

    We went to see him today and he was all upset because phone charger not available and unable to get numbers off phone because phone was dead. So dad not happy because difficult child not as conversant as he would like. I'm tired of dealing with the two of them and their issues. Dad was on the fence about coming. I think I'll just mildly discourage him next time. Dad is extremely analytical and turns over every gesture, every comment under a microscope. For example, he said that maybe we should have left a lot sooner because difficult child was going on and on about the phone charger. Dad is not happy when difficult child does not act overjoyed to see us. Explained to dad that you can't hold him up to the standard of a normal person. That being said, I have a greater tolerance for his behavior but even I was getting annoyed and we cut the visit short after about an hour and fifteen minutes. Well, maybe dad was right. But his tearing apart everything and looking for every little nuance drives me up a wall! (Thanks for letting me rant!)

    Anyway, RE, he will go back to halfway, and he is not happy about that. But that's what he needs.

    Elsie, I hope he takes advantage of the voc rehab services. He told us that preliminary report was non verbal learning disability (so far) which we already knew about from previous testing at age 16. He will know more tomorrow.

    And thanks Cedar, I have a lot of stuff coming up to keep me busy. Trying to keep the focus off of him and on US and all these things do help. My twin niece and nephew are being baptized next Sunday and my daughter is one of the godmothers! Destination wedding in Savannah Ga week after, I hear it's beautiful! Bridal event/fashion show end of month with niece, daughter (she's the maid of honor and she's so excited) and sister in law. Counting my blessings...and that includes all of you on the board with your support and great advice!
  16. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Savannah IS beautiful! So clearly not anywhere else ~ even the breezes carry a certain scent that lets you know you are in Savannah. If you get a chance? Read or watch Gone with the Wind before you go. Also, Forrest Gump is filmed partially in Savannah. I think the scene where he is waiting for the bus was filmed in that central square. History of Savannah would be fun to explore beforehand, too. I think it was one of the first planned cities here in America, which is why it has that centrally located park, around which everything else was built. You need to go down to the River District so you can watch the tide rush in and eat pralines, too.



    Still, it is important for us to really rest, too. It's so hard to do that....
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, have a wonderful time in Savannah. SO and I were there this past June and we fell in love with it. We loved that balmy heat and walking around downtown and really everything about the city. Enjoy all your moments (your son is safe), you deserve it. Have fun out there!
  18. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hi Cedar, Gone With the Wind is my favorite movie! I'm getting really excited now!
  19. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Recovering. I'm really looking forward to it. Have heard only good things about Savannah. The wedding is in some kind of plantation house. I can't wait!