More Confusion

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LookingForPeace, Oct 15, 2019.

  1. 19yo son lives with girlfriend and her family. We have been waiting for the relationship to implode. Son has yet to hold a job for 90 days.

    He posted on FB he had a new job and was moving. (This is how he communicates with us) I texted him and asked questions, he responded. The next day I messaged the girlfriend to find out if E really left. No response from her. A little later E texted me and told me he changed his mind, blah, blah, blah. I told him he was playing mind games with his girlfriend and that wasn’t nice. Of course he denied and told me if I really thought that to contact her. So I did. Sent her & her mother a message. They have no clue they are dealing with a guy who is narcissistic/ASPD/Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

    I’m kind of upset with myself for reaching out to them. It created a back and forth ridiculous conversation with my son. The girlfriend’s mom asked questions and I answered. She obviously shared what I told her with my son. Which is fine, I’m just surprised. It’s all such a fiasco and I really don’t want to be involved. It was another story, another way to create drama and I fell for it...again.

    He blames me for everything. I don’t reach out to him a lot because it’s not a real relationship. Since I’m his mom I feel obligated to check in now and again but sadly, I no longer have any loving feelings for him. I have no desire to keep trying to have a relationship with him. If he’s going to be a part of our life then God is going to have to perform a miracle and heal him. Until that happens, I would rather go no contact. Does anyone have similar experiences going No Contact and how has that worked for you?
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I am guessing he is adopted. Our adopted kids can come to us with many challenges, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), that challenge us. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is possibly a diagnosis my daughter would have if she ever went for help.

    Except for when she wants something from us ( housing, money, other material items) she is fine never contacting us. Since we finally cut off the money, she doesn't talk to us and we don't see our grandson either. But we spent over a decade trying to fix her and earn her love.

    In the normal sense of the word, Kay does not love us. We still love her, but we no longer feel she can be in our lives. We get sick when she is around and we have two other kids, other grands, and other family who love us and need us healthy and mentally well. And we need to go on in our lives and enjoy our golden years. With therapy and Al Anon we have made the decision to give Kay to God. He can do more than we can.

    I do not think that No Contact is wrong with impossible people. I get it. I would not involve myself in this son's personal life or relationships. in my opinion it's best to let the players figure it out and not engage his girlfriend nor the family. And telling him how to treat her will fall on deaf ears. Trust me, I have tried talking to Kay. It just ramped up my own drama with her and she didn't listen. Ever.

    So far, about six months into no contact with Kay, she does not seem better from the things we hear. However, the rest of us are more peaceful and relaxed and we have rekindled our other important relationships.

    God is huge in my life. My husband and I lean on Him a lot. He helps us to stay strong.

    Be well.
     
  3. Thank your for sharing! Yes, we adopted E from Russia at 18mo old. The relationship with your daughter sounds identical to ours. At times I just feel so guilty and pray God forgives me for Not being the Mom I know I should be to E. I agree, we enjoy the peace when he is not involved.
     
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Don't feel bad. Many times they are damaged before we met them. They spent time neglected or abused. Their birthmothers took drugs or drank. This affects the developing brain. They have their own DNA, often from unstable people. We do all we can. It isn't always enough.

    You have a good day and enjoy your life. Only God and your son can help him get the proper treatment he needs. Same with Kay.
     
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  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I agree with Busy that I would not involve myself in the intricacies of your son's life. If he is living with the girlfriend and doesn't owe you rent, it is between them for him to work and be able to pay something. I would not text the girlfriend to verify whether he has left. His lies belong to him. You only have control over you. In a way you created some of the drama that ensued after his FB post with your involvement in all of it. And I get that - I have done similar things.

    Obviously, it's your choice and your choice only if you go no contact but I do think that minding your own business and detaching with love from his life would accomplish what you are looking for but leave the door open (if you even want it open).
     
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  6. Yes, I agree, I did help create some drama. I was just so angry that I got sucked into it again and I felt bad for the girlfriend because I know he is stringing her along. They will have to figure it out on their own. Thanks for your input!
     
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  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    The girlfriend and her mom probably aren't familiar with those terms. They probably think his behavior is a little off.