Maybe it's me, but if a kid of mine gets abusive like that, tries to tell me that I am the biggest problem in hr life and she needs me gone, I would pull over the car and give her the choice - become independent NOW, as you are, no money and clothes on your back (which, by the way, I probably paid for too) or accept that this is an overdramatisation and face FACTS, not runaway emotions and denial.
I've called the bluff this way a few times. "Fine - I'm your problem? Well, you can always get your own meals, then you could have exactly what you want. of course, you will have the same limitations I have - you'll only have the beer allowance, so you won't be able to afford caviar sandwiches."
We do need to treat our kids gently, but this doesn't mean we should become doormats for them. And there's nothing like having to get out of the car on the side of the road in the middle of winter, to make her realise that maybe she's overdoing it, just a bit. And taking you for granted, just a tad.
At her age, she should be pitching in and helping around the house. Hah! I hear you say. Times like this are maybe the time to enforce it - "Darling, you say you want to leave home and make your own way in the world, so I will do my best to help you reach that goal as soon as possible. You need to know how to work the washing machine, you need to begin to take control of your own upkeep. The faster you can take control of your own affairs, the sooner you will be ready to live independently, so let's start right now."
Get her to do her own washing (which includes hanging it out/using the dryer AND putting it all away); get her to PLAN a meal - she can choose, but she has to budget for it, buy the ingredients, cook for EVERYBODY in the household (after all, you've been including her all these years, she has to include you) then come home, cook the meal, make sure it's balanced and sufficient for everybody, then clean up afterwards; get her to organise her own finances and begin to budget to pay her bills. With this last one, we use a spreadsheet on the computer to monitor credit card use and bank balance activity. Every time we use a credit card, we keep the docket and log the details on the computer file. Then when the statements come in, we check against them. It also helps us not go over our credit limit.
If she can't control her spending at the moment, SHE has to realise this. There's nothing like fear of eviction or fear of having your phone cut off to tell you that you have a problem with impulse buying. Natural consequences. So first, she has to recognise there is a problem. The next step will require her cooperation (hence she has to first admit to having a problem). Sit down with her and work out a rough budget. What bills does she have to pay? How much does she have? How much should she have left over? Make sure she puts as much as possible into the bank. Preferably, ALL her pay should go into the bank.
A system we set up for difficult child 1, who had severe impulse control issues when it came to spending - we set up a double bank account system. He began to receive a disability pension when he was 15. At the same time, we lost about $50 a week in government benefits for him. So we arranged for him to pay us the $50 a week (as board - we used it to pay for his medications) and he wanted another $25 a week as money in hand (to buy things with, to pay for his travel, etc). This meant the rest had to be socked away for a rainy day.
His pension was paid into his bank account. He had a debit card access. So we all sat down with the bank and organised for about half his pension payment to be transferred into a high interest deposit account. This account pays interest monthly, calculated daily. It pays extra interest if there are no withdrawals that month. So it's designed purely for putting money aside, with the occasional large withdrawal. We then set up this investment account with three signatures (difficult child 1, me, husband), with difficult child 1 and one other needed to sign for withdrawals (so he couldn't ever say that husband & I got into his money behind his back).
The final set-up - Day 1 - pension goes into his account. Sometimes it's a day or two late, so we arranged for the transfer to the investment account to happen on Day 3. This meant he had to give us his debit card from the morning of Day 1 until the end of Day 3. Not that he was being sneaky - he just didn't realise, because in his mind any money left in his working account was his to use, and he would forget that a large amount would be temporarily there until the transfer took place.
We put this in place when he turned 15. He's now 23 and has a lot of money in the investment account, which he's planning to use to buy a car. He has slowly learned how to manage his finances. He has a phone which he pays for and also is keeping his spending logged in a spreadsheet (that is only recent). He has a goal - to be independent, working (hence off the pension) and able to get married. We've relaxed the hold on his investment account by letting his girlfriend become a fourth signatory. With some trepidation, because he can still impulse-buy and I hope she will be strong enough to say "No" to him. I do not like putting her in a parental role (encourages co-dependence) but they both insisted and he IS an adult.
Basically, our main aim as parents is for our kids to be independent, happy, productive members of society. To help them learn to be independent we need to give them enough rope. Feed them a little rope and hang on to the end, to begin with.
It was similar when easy child 2/difficult child 2 became sexually active - some people call it "hypersexual". we call it "round heels". At least she's a serial monogamist...
but we said to her, if you insist on having sex which is an adult activity, you have to also take on the sexual responsibility as an adult. This meant contraception, protection, health checks. Pap smears. And get it right, be responsible. I actually took my kids shopping for condoms and lectured them about how the Pill does NOT protect against STDs. We role-played how to handle a sexual encounter when you don't want to offend the partner by insisting on condom use (it could be taken to mean you think they could be a walking infection hazard due to extreme promiscuity). There are ways to get kids to use condoms responsibly without causing offence. And there's nothing like being with Mum as she's roaming the supermarket aisles and asking, "Do you want flavoured condoms? Avoid the banana ones, it's pure chemical and is nasty. What about ribbed? And avoid that brand, they're too thick, there's total loss of sensation..."
I think I got a few more years of virginity out of easy child 2/difficult child 2 that way. And difficult child 1 - he's sworn off sex until he's married. But it was THEIR choice. There is no way you can impose your will on your kids, short of locking them up in solitary.
If difficult child wants to 'divorce' you as parents, then change the way you treat her - switch to treating her as if she is a flatmate, someone who you split the rent and food bills with, someone who has to do her share of the upkeep as well as not intrude into common areas too much. Someone who has to give and take, not expect parents to be a taxi service unless she can reciprocate in some way. because when she can do THAT, she will be ready to leave home and share a place with people who care a lot less about her than you do; people who will be far less forgiving than you are.
Talk it through with her. But do not own any of the rubbish she's labelling you with. Toss it right back at her.
Example: difficult child 3 was saying to me yesterday that I'm too soft because I don't like sitting on hard benches, I prefer to sit on cushions. So I came right back at him and reminded him that I don't sit on hard benches because when he was born his huge head tore my pelvis in pieces and knocked my tailbone out of shape; I've never been the same since. And if HE wants to get critical, let HIM go and have a big-headed baby first, THEN he can make smart remarks. A head that big has a lot of brains in it, he'd better use those brains to remember to not sass me about it again. Especially not in public, outside a crowded elevator. My kids know that I will not guard my chastising merely because strangers are present.
Marg
