mother in law (vent / whine)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Mar 10, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have been truly fortunate to have the most wonderful mother in law on the face of the earth. I simply adore her. As does anyone who knows her.

    And this is killing me to watch.:( Most likely because there isn't a d*mn thing I can do about the situation.

    mother in law is 95. She's lived a long full happy life. She has been ready to go for the past few years. Watching her suffer with horrendous pain from her severe arthritis is awful. And it makes me angry at God because why doesn't he just take her peacefully and be done with it? Why does he just let her linger in agony?:mad:

    husband's brother and his wife arrived on sat. They hadn't seen mother in law in about a year. They were shocked at how frial she is now. Sister in law got things cleared away with mother in law's fam doctor (her old boss) and has a friend in the office watching over things for her who will report anything out of the ordinary via phone to sister in law. They got the nursing home paperwork out of the way and because we discovered mother in law never gave husband and I medical power of attorney (like she was supposed to) during our talk sat night, sister in law made it clear that they gave they authority to husband and I in their absense to both nursing home and fam doctor. If we have any trouble husband's brother and wife said to call them and they'd handle it. We can't do anything about the medical power of attorney right now with mother in law in the nursing home.:faint: And they didn't have time to take care of it during this stay. They have gone back to virginia this morning. They can't help it, there is nothing they can do right now. We're hanging in a state of limbo waiting to see how mother in law progresses. We have that 20 days hanging over our heads.

    Now, husband's brother for some unknown reason has always loathed me. (seriously, no one but him knows why, even sister in law) In 25 yrs the man has barely spoken 2 sentences to me. He is almost as bad with husband. The brothers have some rift between them. Sister in law nor I have ever been able to get them to say what it is. But it's serious enough they've had no relationship since they were kids. They will be polite and basically ignore each other to respect their mother.

    So while sister in law and I have always gotten along wonderfully, I dreaded that Talk on sat. I literally had to drag husband over there.:ashamed:

    But it was nice. This is gonna sound awful, but we've never discussed our families with each other really in any normal sense. Most news and info is learned via mother in law passing it back and forth. But sat night we really talked like *normal* family. And I kept thinking this was surreal. husband's brother was talking to me.....talking to husband as if it had been that way all along. We were able to discuss mother in law situation realistically and with total agreement.:surprise:

    I wonder. Is this why mother in law is still here? To help heal, thru necessity, the horrible rift between the two sons? They are, afterall, all that is left of the family other than their own children and grandchildren. All of the older generation is now gone.

    Hmmmm. Maybe. If so, it seems to be working. This situation with mother in law is doing what 25 yrs of work from sister in law and me has failed to do.

    I've believed for years there would be an ugly scene when it came time to divide up mother in law's estate, which consists of extremely valuable family heirloom antiques, china, and silver. The Talk revealed that the opposite is going to be the case. Sister in law wants nothing more than mother in law has already given her. She and her husband have downsized and have no room, nor does she want to part with her own stuff. Her kids also have no room and no interest. She's been worried what on earth we were gonna do with all of mother in law stuff. (3 bedroom houseful) Weird because I've been thinking along the same lines for the past couple of years. I don't want it either, really, but think it needs to be passed down to the kids.

    mother in law also must have been expecting things to get ugly because not only is everything in the will, but everything is labeled to who it goes to.:faint:

    The Talk settled it pretty much though. What my family can't take will most likely be sold.

    If mother in law stays at the nursing home the house will have to been emptied fast to be sold. I agreed to take mother in law's bedroom hopes that Nichole will have moved by put in the empty bedroom so that when husband's brother and wife come up to visit they won't have to get a hotel.

    OMG!! That is HUGE! To go from not talking to having them stay at my house?? WOW! Boggles the mind.:surprise:

    mother in law is miserable. I can see it in her eyes every time I visit. It rips my heart out and I have to ignore it and pretend to be happy and that all is well. It has now been a week and she still hasn't walked at all or even been up on her feet except to pivet to the commode or in and out of bed. Her pain level is much higher than normal, which was already terribly high. I still suspect she broke that hip. She's still taking the pain medication and it was to be discontinued 2 days ago. PT was to have her start walking yesterday. I had mother in law show me what they did and she moved her legs back and forth in her wheelchair. Sigh I suspected as much.

    I'm afraid she's never going to walk again. Pessimistic, maybe. But I've worked in nursing homes for years. I grew up among the elderly. It has been a whole week and mother in law has still not taken her first steps since the fall. It doesn't take any time at all for a joint to freeze up, the older you are, the faster it happens. Add in severe arthritis and it just speeds the process up even more. A week doesn't sound like long, but it very well may have been too long. When I shattered my shoulder, PT was at me the next day moving it for fear the joint would freeze.

    She has no desire to walk. She's taking pain medications. Two HUGE things completely out of character. Normally she'd have been up the next day at the hospital, even if they didn't want her to. And she'd have been refusing the pain medications.

    I'm not sure if this is due to the possible hip fracture or that she realizes (even subconsciously) she won't be returning home so why make the effort.

    And her eyes don't look right. Even easy child noticed. No stroke or anything. They just don't look right. Flat and dull instead of full of life. Even when she "brightens" up when we bring in the great grands for a visit.

    It is so hard to walk into her room. So hard to put up the front. But I do it because I adore her. I won't let her know the feeling of abandonment on top of everything else. And am making a plan with easy child and Nichole for fall when I'm in nursing school and won't have the physical time to get in there so they are on top of it and visiting several times a week.

    husband's brother and wife think she's stubborn enough to pull off getting back home. I think they're in denial. I don't see it. I know she still says at the end of the 20 days she'll be back home walking or not. But I don't hear the tone I'd like to hear when she says it. Sister in law talked to fam doctor, if mother in law is not walking somewhat better than she was before the fall he's not letting her go home due to the danger. I just don't see it happening. She's a week behind in PT already.

    I've seen the signs so many times before. mother in law is giving up. In her heart she wants to go home, in her head she knows it's not going to happen.

    This limbo is killing me. If the stupid fam doctor would've followed thru with the MRI we would know for certain if mother in law's hip is broken, whether or not she'd have it fixed. (she wouldn't) And we'd already know for certain whether or not she would be going home.

    I'm a planner. It helps me deal with stress. I can't make a plan in limbo and it's driving my stress over the top. At this point I don't even know if I'll be able to take classes next quarter as planned.

    And so it is horrible. I pray each night that the person above shows mother in law mercy and takes her peacefully in her sleep, as she'd like to go, and spare her living her worst nitemare.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't really know what's the right thing to say other than to offer supporting hugs. You know her and I don't, But I'd suspect that if the reason for her staying is to clear things up between her sons, she'll tolerate the life for that to happen. Sad part is, often, we don't know the "whys".

    Hugs for you all, and kudos for stepping up to the plate and continuing to give her your time and presence. despite how hard it is on you.
  3. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sending many hugs.

  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Daisy---I know so much that feeling of limbo. I lived with it for 10 long years. husband's father had a stroke in 1999. He had another in 2000. After that he was bedridden and in a vegetative state until his death in 2007. mother in law was active in his care until her stroke in 2003---after that, they were both bedridden, although mother in law did communicate. husband and sister in law continued to care for both of them, at home, with little to no outside help. We did have someone come every evening to help bath father in law---but that was it. It was a long, long struggle. Every part of my life was put on hold. About the same time, husband went into a major depression---nothing like wiping your dad and caring for him like an infant to send you over the edge. He started abusing drugs. I was single parent most of the time and had major difficult child issues and easy child was a young teen and horrendous. I hated my life and really just existed for a very long time. I hope that mother in law either gets healthy enough to come home soon or she is able to go with dignity and respect. Hugs.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am SO SORRY. It is heart wrenching to hear how mother in law is. I have enjoyed your posts about her many times in the past. I am praying for her now, and sending gentle hugs.

    It sounds like she is miserable and is ready to go. How hard for all of you to watch her in that state, especially with the horrible pain. I really hope she is getting enough pain medications to handle the pain.

    Many gentle hugs to the entire family. It really does sound like she is still here to help husband and his bro settle the rift.

    always here for you,