My 19 y/o is turning into a Pothead

[missnemo]

Well here it is 3 in the morning and I'm surfing online to get help/advise on how to deal with my pothead son! 3 months ago he was arrested for possession and I had to pay
$250 in bail, the judge has ordered him to take a drug and alcohol class which will be another $120 and then back to court to see what if any fines he will have. He has been told over and over not to bring that **** into the house(we live with my sister) and he keeps doing it and I am to the point of snapping, it's really a good thing I DO NOT own a gun, I don't know what to do with him!!! He was accepted into a good private college and has decided he wants to go to our local college which I don't consider a good enough school, he has no job and with his daily habit he wont find one!
Should I turn him in for smoking or would asking for state funded rehab be a better option? I am a single parent who is hearing impaired and financially strapped to the point of bankruptcy.....advice!!

 

[Nancy]

Welcome missnemo. I think it was about 3 in the morning when I came upon this site many years ago and it has helped e ever since.

These are my thoughts and you are free to disregard any that don't fit. It's difficult to determine at this point whether pot will be an issue with your son or it is just experimentation or casual use. Of course the fact that he got arrested is not a good sign. How long has he been using? My daughter began using pot at age 14 and it escalated into alcohol and pills. She went to one of our state universities after high school and was arrested after only 6 weeks there. She never went to one class. She had to take a alcohol/drug class also and do community service. None of it made a difference. She came back home and just escalated her use. We eventuallyhad to kick her out of our home and she ended up in a residential rehab center for 60 days, a six week aftercare program, and lived in two different sober houses. She relapses over and over and never thought she was an alcoholic or drug abuser. She had had many different jobs in the past three years and either quits or gets fired before 3 months are up. One of the low points was when she was arrested for shoplifting.

My advice is to let him go to the local college for the time being. He is telling you that he does not want to go to the private college, he knows he is not going to apply himself and will probably get into trouble for his drug use. I know how disappointing it is when we have to sit back and watch them jeopardize their future.

You can make a condition of him staying home and going to the local college that he not smoke pot and that if he does you will withdraw support. If his drug use continues or escalates you may have to tell him to find other living arrangements.

What are his grades like? Do you suspect he is involved in any other drugs? What about his friends? Are they also using drugs?

I hope this arrest makes him realize what he is throwing away, but from my experience their brains do not work so well at this age.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.

My daughter also started with pot, only at the tender age of 12!!! I thought that was all she was doing, but it turned out to be much more. We did not bail her out of anything when she got arrested. And we cut off her money supply. We figured, we would provide the necessities for her, but nothing more so she got a job at sixteen part-time, which has really paid off for her. She has a very strong, good work ethic now. I don't think it is a good idea to pay for our gronw kids fun items, especially if they are not responsible or willing to help. She did eventually have to leave our house and she quit her drug use while on her own. Best thing we ever did for her. Ask her. I think sometimes kids continue using drugs because they can and we make it easy for them by bailing th em out of trouble and allowing them to live at home with all the pre-adult perks on our dime.

Don't waste your money on a private college and don't try to get overly involved in your son's life choices, such as where he goes to school. I totally agree with Nancy on this one. He isn't interested in working too hard. Pot does kill motivation. Also, kids often get into even deeper trouble if they go away to college and live in a dorm. There is no accountability and if we are paying, well, it's party time on your dime. It's a good rule of thumb in my opinion to let your grown kids fly on their own, make t heir own choices (good and bad) and stay in the background. Our role changes to somebody who can listen and affirm or disagree, but we can no longer control. We have no legal means to do so and the child will only pull away if we try to nose into his life decisions.

Are you paying for his cell phone? His car insurance? His gas? His car payments? You get the picture. Stop doing it. He'll get a job or he won't have anything. And that is how he learns to grow up. He should have a part-time job at his age, but you are allowing him to become lazy and entitled...don't feel bad. Lots of us do. But it usually burns us in the end.

Your son has no right to bring pot into her house if she doesn't want it there. On that alone, you may think about making him leave.

Keep posting

 

[DDD]

I, too, have been there done that so I understand and I sympathize. By reading current and old posts (including archives) you will get a complete overview of how many caring parents have faced this issue. The worst part of the problem is that the only person who can truly solve it is your son and motivation to quit very rarely comes from within a teen. Sigh.

One factor that you need to explore is what the rules are in your community. There are areas where if any drugs are found in a home...the homeownership comes into jeopardy. Frankly I think that law is often subjectively enforced BUT this is your sister's home. That makes it more of frightening issue. We sent our grandson to three different substance abuse residential programs to no avail. Finally the only rule I could give him that was enforceable was "If you bring drugs into our home you will no longer be welcome to live here." Due to a horrible accident our actual pot battle ended when he was eighteen and sustained brain injuries.

We all grasp how painful this is for you and hope you find peace in the stance you choose to take. Hugs DDD

 

[1000sunsets]

Missnemo,
At least you have found this site to bring some sort of comfort or advise on your situation.
My son who is now 30 and homeless started smoking pot around the age of 17. We had many arguments about the smell in the house and him bringing it into the house. My job allowed me to relocated to another city and my wife and I were really hoping that this move was going to be a good change especially for him. Actually the situation got worst as he met new acquaintances that were into drugs (his wife being one). As the years went by he was arrested for many things and ended up in jail and prison. As parents we spent our savings trying to get him out of trouble and supporting him and his wife as much as we could. We always thought that we could make a difference and they could start a good life together but it just got worst. My wife and I ended up taking care of their son who is now 8 years old. They have destroyed their vehicles, relationships, and their lives. I had to run her out of our home because I saw her using the needle. I also had my son kicked out and arrested for using a needle. The last straw was when they stole from our grandson (video games, video player, and television to pawn and support their habit). I have not heard from my son in over a week. The car he was living out of sustained motor problems and he was left in the streets. He made various phone calls leaving messages and textes on my phone. I never answered or returned his calls or textes. My wife and I ache about the whole situation as she is having a harder time with it than I am but this was the best thing (I think) that we could do for him and being 30 he will have to learn to how to survive. My wife and I are just too old to be raising kids. We have the joy now of raising our grandkids (6) and intent to do that as long as we can.

Overall, my advise would be to keep on him like a hawk to see what else he is doing (such as other drugs) and who his friends are. Eventually you might end up kicking him out of your home which really does hurt but you have to be strong and put into your head that you will not support his bad habits and watch his destruction. There may be numerous folks out there with similar situations but everyone's is unique in their own way and nobody knows exactly all the details involving your situation but yourself. My wife and i pray everyday for our kids, grandkids, and love ones. Eventhough we might not know what the outcome is going to be, we can at least say to ourselves that we are not perfect either but we tried our best. I hope that you can get some comfort from this site at least. There are many wonderful people with experience that can truly give you some comfort and advise. God Bless you and your family.

 

[sun]

Hi missnemo,
I too have a son who smokes pot. We think he started when he was 17 and he is now 18, graduated high school and has been accepted into a public college. On July 4th we kicked him out for bringing it into our house and he went and spent the weekend with his older brother who lives in an apartment. We let him come back home Monday. He does nothing to better himself - does not have a job, has bad hygiene, and not a lot of friends. My husband and I have agreed that if we smell pot again in or near the house we will call the police and ask them to arrest him. I will not bail him out. I believe he needs to grow up and deal with the consequences of breaking the law. I found a crushed up pill on his bed but he denies taking pills. I think he is a habitual lier.

My thought is: he is an adult and you have to think about yourself. He will not change until he wants to. Good luck to you and if you need to talk I will listen.

 

[1000sunsets]

Sun,
I am glad that you and your husband have come to a mutual agreement about your son. He will probably continue with the pot and then do other drugs as he is introduced to them if he hasn't already. It sadens me to hear that because my son did not stop eventhough we moved to another city. The drugs are everywhere and easily made available. When my son was out of prison and reporting to his parole officer and had to attend classes.........he said that the drug suppliers would be there and would supply to who ever wanted some. I hope that in your case it could be different before it's too late. My son is homeless and it really hurts me... especially my wife but we got to stick together and try to detach from him. I do not know if you have any grandkids but that is what keeps us busy and happy most of the time. You need to take action now even if you think it is too harsh but there is nothing like letting your son know that you will not give in to his demands or make you and your husband feel sorry for him. After all we raised our kids and they really know us well and will take advantage of our feelings. Keep on him like a hawk because you have all the right. If he does fail to comply then you and your husband must make your decision and hope for the best. I pray that things may change in your family and that all of this bad situation can come to pass.

 

[needtobreathe]

Greetings sun,
My difficult child smokes marijuana as well and he is going to be a senior next year. He is 17 years old and I am concerned for his future. I have kicked him out before, but he ends up just staying over at his druggie friends' houses. I was wondering if it worked for you when you kicked him out. It was hard for me, and I ended up being relieved when he was home just because I knew he was safe here. I do not think it changed his drug use, it may have even worsened the situation. I have considered drug testing; maybe calling the police would be better? Have you researched this? I am skeptical if they will even be able to bring him in for such a small offense. I find comfort in your postings as I find many similarities in our stories.
Thank you for posting!

 

[Stepparent]

Hello, I'm new to this forum. We have the same pothead kid problem. I'm looking for advice as well. Stepson is 18. He spent 3 months in a rehab until his mother pulled him out. He got expelled from High School, so she brought him back to live with us. He went to a continuation school until he was 18 and then dropped out. He claims that he is not addicted and everytime we catch him, it was just that once because he had a hard day. I can't sleep because I hear him in the shower, and I know he is in there smoking pot in the early morning hours. I have a toddler in the house, and I am stressed out of my mind that she is breathing some of the smoke. His father says he will kick him out at the end of the summer if he hasn't kicked the habit. I don't know if I can make it another month. I want my house drug free. I want to call the police when I smell the pot, but I am afraid that I will get in trouble or my daughter will be taken away because of Pot in my house. Not, to mention the unhappiness of his father who claims he is handling it. We have been dealing with this for over a year. I don't know what to do! I'm so tired and stressed out. I have to go back to work in the fall, and I don't want that pothead spending the day smoking pot in our house and inviting his looser friends over while we are at work? Advice????