My 19 year old son is threatening suicide because he said he is sick of even being here

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by justwanthappiness, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    This is long but I need some advice and couldn't shorten it up. A little family history: Both my mother and father committed suicide at different times in my life- So depression, addiction and alcoholism do run in our family. My father was an alcoholic, mother was very immature and abusing prescription drugs. My children's father is an alcoholic, so is his father- both functioning alcoholics. I have 3 adult kids; ages 27, 22 and 19. Their father and I were married for 23 years; he drank every single night that he was home after he started a sales job around the 10th year of our marriage - I divorced him due to the amount he was drinking and it started to interfere with our family life and refused to say he had a problem; he traveled most of the time but during the days that he was at home. He and my now 19 year old- (then 11 when we divorced), were very close. When we divorced, his dad got even closer to my kids until he got involved with his current wife and her 2 children. He basically told my oldest son he had to move out because they were moving in and then he just kicked my daughter and youngest son to the curb while they watched him and his new family take over the house. His father did not put his foot down; ever, with my youngest son, so there were virtually no boundaries at his house, other than constant chastising by the new wife about everything he did wrong. I remarried way too soon to someone who was very controlling and always said he had my kids best interest at heart, and I believe he truly did; however, he took the control to the maximum limits and always had my youngest son under the microscope so everything my son did was wrong. I do agree, he did wrong but not every tiny little wrongdoing deserves the maximum punishment. Fast forward.. I divorced him because his controlling behavior was way too much for my children and myself. He did try to take the role of my kids father, and their father just stepped back and let it happen; including taking my youngest hunting and him killing his first deer with him, when it should have been the place of his father; therefore my youngest got attached to him because he spent time with him trying to fill the shoes of his dad. Because my children's father has not stepped up to the plate to build a relationship with our kids, my youngest is stuck in the "anger" level of grief over my divorce from his father, and since I divorced my second husband, who I was with for 8 years, my youngest son feels like he can't trust anyone and that there is no stability in his life. I tried to keep a watch on the things my son was doing during this entire time even though all the "men" (2) in my life told me to stop coddling and being overly sensitive to my youngest son's behavior even though I knew he was acting out trying to gain his dad's attention. I sold the house we were living in (I had bought after my first divorce and moved back in after my second divorce - I kept it as a rental through my second marriage) and made arrangements for him to move back in with his dad so they could re-build their relationship and I explained that to both of them -I was going to pay to finish out the basement at his dad's house for our youngest but then his dad and new wife bought another house without telling my son and moved out and literally left a mattress on the floor, some hand towels, 2 bar stools and the dining room table. So my son has been living in an empty house by himself being allowed to do as he pleases and I only found out 2 weeks ago they didn't leave him any food. I guess they figured since he is 19 he could just fend for himself. I went and stocked the house with groceries because he wasn't getting many hours at work - not enough money to buy gas to get to work and groceries too and the fact that my child was not going to go hungry. I have since bought a camper for him to live in on our property and so he can pay a small rent of $300 a month to prepare him to go into the world on his own and not fail, He gets all utilities and groceries; I cook every night. Since he has been allowed to do as he pleases before this, he got mad when we said his fiance' (she is 18) can't spend the night there, even though her parents didn't have a problem with her spending the night at my house or his dad's house before now; Now he is explosively angry and threatening to leave and says he wants to die. He has tried antidepressants and they made him so furious he was raging. Going backwards.. I couldn't be with him 24/7 so he started experimenting with drugs and cutting himself in middle school. Now he is completely angry with the world, says he hates himself, he hates his dad, he doesn't even trust God; actually angry at God- that he doesn't even care about a relationship with his dad anymore and points out my mistakes of the 2 failed marriages I have had even though I thoroughly explained why I divorced both and he saw the reason with the second marriage. He was too young to understand the reason for the first one; he was just a child rocking along then the rug was pulled out from under him. I hate the hurt my son has gone through and I don't know how to make it up to him. He is out of control and deeply depressed, he is smoking pot, drinking and still cutting himself. He was happy living with us in the camper until we said his fiance' can't spend the night any more. It has already happened at the other houses, she also got pregnant and miscarried, so they have a long history- they have been together for over 2 years and are both working toward a better future. I am engaged and we do share a house and the bills but my finace' is completely against her staying with my son. I'm just not sure what to do? I hope this makes sense because I really do need some advice. Thank you in advance.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. Lots of drama. Welcome to the forum.

    I cant address most of this (no time) but you are with husband to be #3. These many men are hard for our kids, adults or not. I have no idea why your fiance is in charge of whom your son spends the night with. Why does he care??? He is not this young mans father and I never let my second husband make the rules for my kids. Now, 23 years later everyone gets along well including my first and second husband. But i never let my second hub, then love of my life, walk in and start playing authority figure to my kids.

    I am not against kids living together. I did it with second husband, you are doing it with new fiance, and have no clue why your son is suddenly not allowed to spend the night with his girlfriend. They are going to have sex anyway. I am not liking fiance throwing his weight around when he is living with you and unrelated to your son. I find it a red flag for a need to control and you had one of those already.

    Is this fiance also a controlling man? Did you give yourself time to heal from both relationships before agreeing to marry again?

    Im worried about you as well as your son. No doubt he has been through a lot, and I am not usually lenient on young adults negative behavior, but he...and you...need to find a way to peace. I hope your fiance is truly a good man who knows he is not here to boss anyone around.

    Meanwhile i would encourage son to get therapy and i feel you would benefit from it too. This situation is very complicated for all.

    One thing for sure between you and son...you cant fix his problems for him. You have many issues. Do get help.

    More later. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2017
  3. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    Thank you for your input. I actually am living in my fiancé's house not the other way around. I am not married and there is no wedding date because we are both 50 years old and if marriage happens, it needs to be the last one. My fiancé is a shop foreman over 160 guys so he probably is controlling but he also has a son the same age as mine and does not allow his son to have his girlfriend to spend the night either. His son lives inside the house, mine; in the camper I bought for him. I was trying to have my son with me but give him the space he needs as well. I do understand what you are saying. I have been divorced from husband number 2 since 2014 and I have known my fiancé for 35 years. I also understand why my son is bitter and angry at the idea that he will be paying rent but can't have his girlfriend spend the night. I may end up having to move out myself in order to get my son on the right page, then go from there. Just not sure how to handle this. I do know I want a very long term relationship - maybe marriage at some point but it isn't worth mine and my son's relationship being destroyed.
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Can you park the trailer at her parents house? Or his dad's house?

    Ksm
     
  5. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    This does sound like a very complicated situation. I think I would be more concerned about your son using drugs or alcohol in the camper than his girlfriend spending the night. If he's paying rent then I see that as totally different than your boyfriends son who lives inside the home. You're son sounds very hurt and fragile, that seems like a battle I wouldn't want to make him have or have to choose especially if this is a good girl who doesn't use drugs. I guess you should try to find out your boyfriends reason that his girlfriend can't spend the night, I mean you guys are living together so not sure what his reason could be. You're son should definitely go to counseling
     
  6. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    KSM - The house that his dad and I own together is up sale and it is a large house that is empty and depressing. It is really hard for my son to let go of that house and property because he said all of his memories are there. I can move the camper there I am just afraid that when the house sells he is going to be even more depressed. I was just really hoping to gain my son back and give him some stability back in his life; I don't want to keep moving him around. His dad has moved into a subdivision and they made sure there is no room for my son.
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, JWH

    What is the reasoning behind your fiancé's refusal to allow your son to have his girlfriend spend the night in the trailer?

    It doesn't seem to be a religious/moral thing, so is it the worry about an unplanned pregnancy?

    I would, personally, be worried about that, since they can't take care of themselves at this point. Not that the only place this could happen is in the trailer, of course. Is there a way to make sure the young woman is on some form of birth control (preferably the kind they don't have to remember to take every day)?

    Your fiancé has every right to decide who sleeps on his property, but, since you are a couple, I would hope that you two have discussed this and came to an agreement that is acceptable for both of you. It would be a red flag to me if he didn't take your view into consideration. It would also be a red flag if there was no discussion and you don't know the reasons.

    Does your son have any diagnoses?

    Is he in therapy?
     
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    The bigger issue is your son's threatening suicide and his drinking and cutting, and therefore not moving forward with his life.

    Is he getting help for these issues, or is he resistant?
     
  9. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    The only reason I can think that he won't let him have his girlfriend over to spend the night is because he was raised strict; he won't let his son's girlfriend spend the night either. I feel bad because he and I are living together and we are engaged but my son and his girlfriend are also engaged. This puts me in a very tough spot. I wouldn't have moved in with him had I known my son's father was going to up and sell and just leave our son at the empty house until it sells. Still, maybe moving the camper there might be the best thing.
     
  10. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

     
  11. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    Applecori

    My son's girlfriend did become pregnant and miscarried, she is on birth control - Depo shot; so a pregnancy is not really a concern at this point. My son does have a diagnosis of depression and has tried 2 different medications that have only brought out livid anger in him. He was so happy to live in the camper to be near me again until my fiancé said no to his girlfriend spending the night; then it all turned completely around and the anger and resentment has resurfaced. I understand why my son is angry; he has already been given freedom and now it is being taken away from him which just puts me in a very tight spot; I feel like I have to make the choice of moving out, maybe back into the house his dad and I are selling until it sells. It will be a huge financial burden on me but I will do anything to save my son.
     
  12. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

     
  13. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    Applecori,

    My son is willing to get counseling if I can just find someone who he can relate to. I have had counseling in the past myself but most of the time I find the counselor just twists their hair saying hmm, ahh,,, hear.. read this book.. I just haven't been fortunate enough to actually find a good counselor yet. I am still trying though
     
  14. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

     
  15. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    Applecori,

    His son pays rent as well but not allowed to have his girlfriend spend the night either. We are trying to be fair to each young adult it's just that because of my son's situation with his father, he has been given so much freedom and it can't just be taken away like this. I will come to my son's defense even if that means I have to move out too and I don't feel like that is coddling and I don't feel like my son is being manipulative. I just feel that if my fiancé is going to not let my son's girlfriend spend the night in a place he pays rent because they aren't married then I need to practice what my fiance' seems to be preaching. It isn't right for us to live together and then tell my son and his son they can't do the same. It will hurt to have to go backwards but it would hurt even worse not to have my son.
     
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    First, have a discussion with your fiancé and see if you two can come to an agreement.

    If his reasoning is sound, you can explain the reasons to your son.

    Can't he stay over at the girlfriend's house, since her parents don't mind?
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think the son needs to get camper elsewhere. Your fiance being brought up strict is no real explanation why your son has to listen to him without a logical reason. Yes, its his property so I feel son should move off of unreasonale fiances property for his own sake.

    Fiance sounds inflexible. Red flag. Sorry. He can live with you, but son cant have girlfriend over? I call B.S. on that. Hypocrisy. Young people dislike hypocrisy. It is also hypocritical of YOU to live with this man yet to tell son that his girlfriend cant stay over with him. Dont you see?

    Your son is troubled and fragile. He needs to move to a better spot, get into therapy, and move forward...get a job. You should not have to pay for his existence. He is old enough to work or apply for government services...welare and foid assistance. Why wont he get full time work? He is able bodied? If so he can at least flip burgers FULL TIME. McD's offers benefits.

    If he has a baby, and he already almost did, you need to make it clear you cant support a family of three. Tell him before it happens. Is girlfriend on birth control? If not, why not? They would expect you to pay for a baby, wouldnt they? Tell him and mean that you will not. That this is his respondibility. He needs to get indepedent of you. He is a young adult now, not a child. He needs to know that you are a Mother now, not a Mommy. There is a difference.

    I am not liking fiance, he who has no explanation for girlfriend ban and is hypocritical. This further advice is my .02 and for you. You may discard it if you feel it is not good feedback.

    For you: I would get into therapy before you commit to this man, maybe see why you feel a need to have a man in your life. You in my opinion need to grow alone first. A guy who is 50 yet still mimicking his own childhood with strictness plus inflexibility...please get help before you go forward. He could cause further trouble for your son. And for you. Get therapy for yourself. Please. Maybe go on your own for a while...see if you can learn to enjoy your own company.

    Well, this forum encourages all of us to take what we need and leave the rest. So this is just my opinion.

    I wish you the very best.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2017
  18. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member

    Applecori,

    I plan on talking with my fiance' first tonight as you suggested; I am afraid my son will not listen even if there is a good reason for his decision. I'm not sure if her parents would let him stay there but my problem is, I want my son to feel like he is home until he wants to get out on his own. I want him to have stability again- I just didn't realize how bad my failed relationships have affected him. Please keep in mind, I got married to his dad when I was 20, we were married for 23 years, I divorced and remarried for 8 years. I am engaged but there is no date until I am sure this is the man I want forever. I did not date anyone in between marriages besides the men I married; so I haven't introduced several men to my son.
     
  19. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome JWH. You can't make it up to him. It's part of life. My kids have had a tough start, too (see my signature.) The problem is that we want our young adult kids to function in the world, and it's full of unfairness and hardship. We do the best we can as parents and that means falling short of perfection. Please don't allow your son to play the guilt card on you.

    I would encourage your son to try a different anti-depressant if he is still feeling depressed. They are not all the same which is why there are so many of them.

    I'm not going to comment on the girlfriend/camper situation. I think you and your fiancé can figure that out. If I were in your son's shoes, I'd be angry about that, too, however we don't always get to live exactly as we want at age 19. Sometimes we have to suck it up until we can pay for our own place.
     
  20. justwanthappiness

    justwanthappiness New Member