justwanthappiness
New Member
This is long but I need some advice and couldn't shorten it up. A little family history: Both my mother and father committed suicide at different times in my life- So depression, addiction and alcoholism do run in our family. My father was an alcoholic, mother was very immature and abusing prescription drugs. My children's father is an alcoholic, so is his father- both functioning alcoholics. I have 3 adult kids; ages 27, 22 and 19. Their father and I were married for 23 years; he drank every single night that he was home after he started a sales job around the 10th year of our marriage - I divorced him due to the amount he was drinking and it started to interfere with our family life and refused to say he had a problem; he traveled most of the time but during the days that he was at home. He and my now 19 year old- (then 11 when we divorced), were very close. When we divorced, his dad got even closer to my kids until he got involved with his current wife and her 2 children. He basically told my oldest son he had to move out because they were moving in and then he just kicked my daughter and youngest son to the curb while they watched him and his new family take over the house. His father did not put his foot down; ever, with my youngest son, so there were virtually no boundaries at his house, other than constant chastising by the new wife about everything he did wrong. I remarried way too soon to someone who was very controlling and always said he had my kids best interest at heart, and I believe he truly did; however, he took the control to the maximum limits and always had my youngest son under the microscope so everything my son did was wrong. I do agree, he did wrong but not every tiny little wrongdoing deserves the maximum punishment. Fast forward.. I divorced him because his controlling behavior was way too much for my children and myself. He did try to take the role of my kids father, and their father just stepped back and let it happen; including taking my youngest hunting and him killing his first deer with him, when it should have been the place of his father; therefore my youngest got attached to him because he spent time with him trying to fill the shoes of his dad. Because my children's father has not stepped up to the plate to build a relationship with our kids, my youngest is stuck in the "anger" level of grief over my divorce from his father, and since I divorced my second husband, who I was with for 8 years, my youngest son feels like he can't trust anyone and that there is no stability in his life. I tried to keep a watch on the things my son was doing during this entire time even though all the "men" (2) in my life told me to stop coddling and being overly sensitive to my youngest son's behavior even though I knew he was acting out trying to gain his dad's attention. I sold the house we were living in (I had bought after my first divorce and moved back in after my second divorce - I kept it as a rental through my second marriage) and made arrangements for him to move back in with his dad so they could re-build their relationship and I explained that to both of them -I was going to pay to finish out the basement at his dad's house for our youngest but then his dad and new wife bought another house without telling my son and moved out and literally left a mattress on the floor, some hand towels, 2 bar stools and the dining room table. So my son has been living in an empty house by himself being allowed to do as he pleases and I only found out 2 weeks ago they didn't leave him any food. I guess they figured since he is 19 he could just fend for himself. I went and stocked the house with groceries because he wasn't getting many hours at work - not enough money to buy gas to get to work and groceries too and the fact that my child was not going to go hungry. I have since bought a camper for him to live in on our property and so he can pay a small rent of $300 a month to prepare him to go into the world on his own and not fail, He gets all utilities and groceries; I cook every night. Since he has been allowed to do as he pleases before this, he got mad when we said his fiance' (she is 18) can't spend the night there, even though her parents didn't have a problem with her spending the night at my house or his dad's house before now; Now he is explosively angry and threatening to leave and says he wants to die. He has tried antidepressants and they made him so furious he was raging. Going backwards.. I couldn't be with him 24/7 so he started experimenting with drugs and cutting himself in middle school. Now he is completely angry with the world, says he hates himself, he hates his dad, he doesn't even trust God; actually angry at God- that he doesn't even care about a relationship with his dad anymore and points out my mistakes of the 2 failed marriages I have had even though I thoroughly explained why I divorced both and he saw the reason with the second marriage. He was too young to understand the reason for the first one; he was just a child rocking along then the rug was pulled out from under him. I hate the hurt my son has gone through and I don't know how to make it up to him. He is out of control and deeply depressed, he is smoking pot, drinking and still cutting himself. He was happy living with us in the camper until we said his fiance' can't spend the night any more. It has already happened at the other houses, she also got pregnant and miscarried, so they have a long history- they have been together for over 2 years and are both working toward a better future. I am engaged and we do share a house and the bills but my finace' is completely against her staying with my son. I'm just not sure what to do? I hope this makes sense because I really do need some advice. Thank you in advance.
