My heart hurts and Im gasping for air,make it stop


New Member
As you know this week we had court Monday and Tuesday for difficult child,we went to court and it was the hardest thing Ive had do :frown: difficult child was so scared crying all the way there I had to give him something to calm him,he so much depends on me for compfort and when he's having his panic attacks I help him through.Well the first day we get there we are told that anyone that is called as a witness cannot sit in the court room until they have testified.With my daughter and I as witness's we could not go in difficult child was needing me and I couldnt be there,there he sat so alone at the front of that court room looking like a frightened child.difficult child has never really been in trouble and he knows nothing about how all this court stuff works.When we had our breaks he would go outside and just cry,difficult child is very emotional not just for this but anytime.It took everything I had to hold back my tears so that I could compfort him I wanted to stay strong for him (now I sit here as I type and cant stop the tears from flowing).
I testified after lunch and then I was allowed to sit in the court room,difficult child just sat there as people told there testimony listening to them then looking at me,it was like he needed to see that I was still there.As I sat in the court room I just wished he was a little boy again so I could wrap him tight in my arms and keep him safe :frown:
Monday was a long day then Tuesday came....because I had testified already I could now sit in the courtroom again.Once again on our drive in difficult child kept crying and say mom my heart really hurts I tried my best to talk him through this ,he was starting to have another panic attack just before we got there.
I managed to calm him down and get him in the court room,we were a few min late so I had to explain to the lawyer what was going on.
As people testified and I heard the evidence I just shook my head and wondered why we were there,I swear every few min difficult child would turn to see that I was there at one point he asked the lawyer if I could sit right behind him.I told him it was ok I was right in the room so then every time he looked at me I would mouth to him its ok and he would then be ok for a few more min.We took our break and went in a room with his lawyer his lawyer then says to us we didnt schedule enough time for this trial so the next date that is available for this is late Sept :mad:difficult child started to really cry he says I cant do this I want my kids back I want to see them grow up I want my family Sept is to long.Of course I couldnt hold it back any longer and I started to cry I said to his lawyer come on there has to be something someone can do Im tired this is to long.He said I can try but I cant promise anything,then difficult child says how can they think I can do something like this can I atleast tell the judge want kind of person I am.His lawyer said you will have your chance to talk but because they think you are guilty and we have to prove you are not we have to go through this process and it could take time.He then looked right at difficult child and said honestly I dont think your guilty I truely believe you didnt do anything wrong then difficult child pipes up and says well they want me to be guilty right,but I didnt do anything,but if I say Im guilty just to make them happy would we get done sooner so we could get on with our lives. :frown:
The lawyer said you dont do that just cause thats what they want to hear your not guilty so dont even give in to them you have to stay positive and we will get through this.So now we go back to court Sept 24th....
As for having the baby come stay with us the CAS says they want to meet with us more before they will decide so more waiting.
When we went for our visit yesterday difficult child sat there and held his son and stared at him for so long then he cuddled him and started to cry he said mom I just want him to come home.
I hate seeing my difficult child go through this,atleast when he was younger I could compfort him and fix things ,this is something I cant fix and its hard not being able to help him.
difficult child said the other day I feel like Im all alone on an island and once in awhile someone briefly stops by then Im left there all alone.If he only knew how much I hurt and feel the same,but I have to stay strong for him :sad:


Well-Known Member
I wish I could just make it stop...if I could, I would. The hurting heart and stifled tears are so hard to bear. It sounds
as though you did a terrific job of providing support. So sorry
that it is going to be delayed again. Hugs. DDD

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Sending many warm and gentle hugs for your aching Mommy heart.

It sounds like you gave difficult child the best support you could under the circumstances. I'm sorry it's going to be delayed until Sept.



Active Member
the court system is full of delays. it never seems to go the way you expect. you are a good person. bearing someone else's sorrow helps cut the pain in half.
God bless.


New Member
I'm so sorry this is being delayed like this. I'm even sorrier for the pain you're family is in.Sending many hugs and prayers.


New Member
I am sorry for the delay. The waiting is so hard on our difficult child's the stress of it really helped put mine over the edge. I hope your son is seeing a therapist to help him through this. (((HUGS))) -RM