My heart is heavy....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MichelleLynnFl, Aug 2, 2017.

  1. My daughter and I have come to an agreement that if I take her to this Salvation Army Center of Hope and a few other things such as take her to return her cat from the agency she adopted her from, she will sign a letter stating that she is leaving of her own free will and that any belongings left behind are ours to dispose of as we see fit. She will leave tomorrow.

    Now the heartbreak.... *cries* This place is not in a good area. We lived in this area before and it's full of crime, drugs ect. She told me, I asked, that the room is sort of like jail with bunk beds. Since this place also houses homeless people the mixture is not going to be good. She has a short temper and I can easily see her back in jail for something stupid.

    She went out tonight and drank a 40oz beer. Called the cops out again and had a good long chat with him which put some sense into my daughter about being better if she leaves. Drinking....not more than 2 days her probation ended it's right back to it.

    WHY friends am I so emotional when this is what I wanted??? *cries* I don't want her in a room full of people with mental disorders and sleeping on a bunk bed. The place only has a 2 star rating as of 10 months ago the staff was not nice either! They provide shelter, 3 meals a day, laundry and limited transportation.

    I am going to remain firm and drop her off tomorrow. But, I am dying inside as I first thought this place she spoke of was actually a good place. Now it seems a way for her to get into all sorts of troubles.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Because it's the right thing to do doesn't mean it's the easy thing to do. I honestly don't know if anything more difficult that causes such mixed emotions that this. Be kind to yourself
     
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  3. Thank you so much, it's almost 12:30 am here and I cannot sleep, nor stop crying.

    Being that she already chose alcohol tonight does not give me any confidence in her wanting to make a real change. Back to drugs and alcohol to cope instead of trying a different medication for her bipolar.

     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is so very hard 12:30 here too. I hate nighttime my brain works overtime.
     
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  5. Our brains never sleep. I am sorry your awake too. Wish this was better for both of us.
     
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  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Son has court tomorrow. He has to go alone I am working and not taking any more time off work. He heel dragged and had 2 extensions. Now just getting to being appointed a lawyer by the courts after being denied legal aid lawyer. As a youth the cost will order a lawyer be appointed to him. The scary bit is they can also order is to pay for one. I don't think the courts will do this as we had him arrested.
     

  7. With my daughter's recent jail time she had gotten a lawyer through the court and the cost was only $50.00 I hope they would not make you pay, but as you said since you had him arrested, don't think that's an option.

    I wish these kids would wake up and stop doing this to us but, since that's not the case, we have to take the lead in helping ourselves.
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I'm still up but it's only 10:30 here (CA).

    Reading a long I so remember feeling as you two do, not able to sleep, ruminating, worrying, crying, desperate....I'm so sorry, it really sucks to feel that way.

    Here are a few things that may help.

    *Deep breathing. It shifts the brain out of fear. Take 5 deep breaths. Relax. Then take 5 more.
    *Go on YouTube,they have guided meditations for everything, fear, anxiety, depression, worry......I like the Honest Guys & Deepak Chopra...give it a try, it helps calm the mind down.
    *There is an Ap on my cell phone called 'Calm', it has meditations you can plug into and I've found them to be very relaxing.
    *Drink warm milk, if you have any saffron, that combination works well. If not milk and honey will work.
    *look up reflexology which are points in the hands and feet that correspond to various organs....when rubbed, they can produce a calming effect.
    *google jin shin shiatsu, find the charts on the hands, each finger represents a feeling, worry, fear, etc. it will show you how to hold on to each finger and relax. It works.

    All of your worries will be there tomorrow. There is nothing you can do tonight. Put all your worries in a little box and tell yourself that tomorrow, at 10 AM, you will open the box and take back your worries, but tonight, you will let them go.

    All of our worries do not help our kids, they ruin our lives. Take a break from them, if just for tonight.

    Sending you both big hugs.....hang in there.....tomorrow the sun will shine and you will both be okay.

    You're not alone.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 3, 2017
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I'm still up but it's only 10:30 here (CA).

    Reading a long I so remember feeling as you two do, not able to sleep, ruminating, worrying, crying, desperate....I'm so sorry, it really sucks to feel that way.

    Here are a few things that may help.

    *Deep breathing. It shifts the brain out of fear. Take 5 deep breaths. Relax. Then take 5 more.
    *Go on YouTube,they have guided meditations for everything, fear, anxiety, depression, worry......I like the Honest Guys & Deepak Chopra...give it a try, it helps calm the mind down.
    *There is an Ap on my cell phone called 'Calm', it has mediations you can plug into and I've found them to be very relaxing.
    *Drink warm milk, if you have any saffron, that combination works well. If not milk and honey will work.
    *look up reflexology which are points in the hands and feet that correspond to various organs....when rubbed, they can produce a calming effect.
    *google jin shin shiatsu, find the charts on the hands, each finger represents a feeling, worry, fear, etc. it will show you how to hold on to each finger and relax. It works.

    All of your worries will be there tomorrow. There is nothing you can do tonight. Put all your worries in a little box and tell yourself that tomorrow, at 10 AM, you will open the box and take back your worries, but tonight, you will let them go.

    All of our worries do not help our kids, they ruin our lives. Take a break from them, if just for tonight.

    Sending you both big hugs.....hang in there.....tomorrow the sun will shine and you will both be okay.

    You're not alone.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2017
  10. Thank you recovering, I finally was able to sleep.

    I still am a wreck of emotions. Deep down I know this is what must happen. The place she is going too, I was brave, because of thinking it's in a nice place and she would have her own room.....tearing me apart as she does not get along with others well. She is taking her computer, wallet, cell phone....what if those get stolen? No privacy at all having to sleep on a bunk bed. Am sure the type of people who come to this place bring in drugs and alcohol. Not a good start for her to be influenced by.
     
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are going through such a roller coaster, ML. It truly is heartbreaking, when there are no good alternatives. Sadly, the likelihood is that until your daughter quits drinking, there are no "safe" places where she won't get into trouble. But at least she is going on somewhat good terms with you, and you will know that she at least has food and a place to sleep.

    Many hugs to you today. Rest easy and be good to yourself.
     
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  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Of course you don't want her in a place like this but please remember, you did not do this to her, she did this to herself. The only one who can change this is your daughter.

    Do your best to take care of you. I know it can feel strange and even wrong when our own child's life is spiraling out of control but it is so important. Find something you enjoy doing. Each day, take some time just for you.

    Hang in there!! You can get through this.

    ((HUGS)) to you...............
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Michelle:

    Agree with everyone here. This is tough stuff. We want it to be a certain way but it isn't.

    We have to face the reality of what it is.

    I'm doing that today myself because our son left sober living Monday and is using again.

    I can sit and worry and have my stomach torn to knots and try to work or I can mentally detach with love and turn it over to my higher being and know that everything happens for a reason. This is her journey and you are just along for the ride. I'm saying this to myself as I write this also.

    Our adult children have to figure out their life on their own. Substance abuse is not the answer but they won't listen to us. They have to figure it out. It is THEIR LIFE.

    Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us here suffering also and you know that the people here only represent a very small of those in our shoes.

    Our suffering doesn't help our children. It even helps us less.

    :staystrong:
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter will find better places to stay when she gets a job, quits using, and becomes somebody better. These people are no different from your daughter at this point. It is hard to find places to be around people in a good place until you decide to be in a better place. Like attracts like. Sorry if this sounds harsh.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2017
  15. Thank you all, hugs to all of you. I am in between taking her to the places we agreed upon if she left peacefully today.

    Checking in from my car for strength. All of you have me that and so much more! Made me cry all over again. Thank you.
     
  16. She called the place and another person that answered, not this Denis she has been speaking with, told her dinners at 5pm. Check in at 6pm. Sounds like a nightly thing and out by the day. Although this is not what she was told from Denis...I am assuming and also scared.

    What if they don't hold them all day and let them in only at 6pm???

    The website says this about long term,

    Transitional Housing
    There are 6 temporary housing units for families who have become homeless due to job loss or other tragedy. The Center offers a safe and secure home for families along with three meals a day, laundry facilities, day care, and limited transportation. Adults can work or further their education to help pave the way for eventually securing permanent accommodations.
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The opportunities sound very good. Three meals? Some transportation? Maybe they can stay or go as they like in the day but have to check in at six. Thats reasonable...that could be what it means.

    If not, at least she has meals, laundry, and aid to better herself.. and a place to sleep.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2017
  18. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Would it make a difference, MichelleLynn? She is willing to go, they have a spot for her, and you won't have to evict her. It sounds like she will be getting at least the opportunity for some support in improving her situation, if she follows the rules.
     
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  19. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    She has a place to stay and you don't have to go through the eviction process.

    Its not a 5 star hotel, but it's not out on the street either. If she wants to, she can use it to get something better for herself. Something she has no motivation to do bullying you in your own house.
     
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  20. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    I feel for you, MichelleLynn. I don't think any of us wish for this. Your daughter had a choice. Sadly, like most of our difficult children, they have chosen the "difficult" path (they think it is the easiest one). If my daughter put half as much effort into helping herself as she does deceiving others and abusing alcohol/drugs, she would be on top of the world.

    Right now, I don't know where my daughter is. You have the knowledge today that she is at a place that has food, water and a night-time bed for her. In that regard, she is somewhat safe. I hope that their programming might be able to benefit her, if she truly wants to get help.

    I know it's hard to be "kind to yourself" when you are feeling in turmoil but you do need to take this time to regroup and re-focus your energies on yourself and your family. So much goes by the wayside when we are caring for our difficult children and we forget about ourselves and other family members/friends.

    {hugs to you}
     
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