My son has passed away…

cocomad

New Member
Lovemysons....I am truly so sorry for the loss of your precious son. He knew how much you loved him and will be forever in your heart until you see him again. May the memories and his spirit be ever present as you continue this life.
sincerely....oregonsheila
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Thank you all so much for sharing in my sons life and now also in his passing. As many of you know, addiction only ends in a few ways…Recovery, Institutions (like hospitals and prisons) or Death.
Our son tried many times to get on the road to recovery but told me in the past year that he was never happy on the prescribed medications…only when he was high…especially while on Meth.

I pray every night and tell my son how much I miss him and the words I used during one of our last texts saying I love you foreverever.
I just miss him SO much now. I am relieved in a strange way that I did not expect. Maybe relief is the wrong word…but the worry the angst the next Shoe to drop etc…all of that is over And has been replaced by a very deep longing for my son and many memories of the good times we shared.

I don’t know how often I’ll post now. It would appear my journey with you all has ended to a degree. But I “know” many of your stories and will continue to read and see where your stories go. I pray wherever your journey ends that you live with few regrets and great love for your children as well as yourself…trusting God every step of the way for it is my belief that He loves them even more than we do.

Love to you all,
LMS
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
And has been replaced by a very deep longing for my son and many memories of the good times we shared.
I am heartbroken with you. I use that word in the literal sense. There is the pain but there is also the shattering. The part where life breaks into a million pieces and the separation between heaven and earth no longer exists. For the longest time I felt only broken into pieces by loss--like Humpty Dumpty. It took me a very long time to understand and to feel the sweetness and wholeness too.

I will miss you and J, LMS. With sharing J with us, you've shared with us something transcendent and transformative. I hope I never forget you both. I could say I won't ever, but at my age you never know what will come. Love.
 

Marcie Mac

Just Plain Ole Tired
I havent been on for a while cept to see what is going on now and then. Am so pained to read this and my heart hurts for you and your family. I live in So. Calif and if there is anything I can do for you or you need something, please don't hesitate to ask. Many cyber hugs being sent your way.

Marcie
 

everywoman

Well-Known Member
Our dear precious son passed away early Thanksgiving morning. He was likely on drugs. He was homeless and was hit by a vehicle In California.

I have been a member of the Board since he was around 13 years old. No more suffering, pain, depression, hunger or cold for him. He has been lifted up with G-d and his Savior Jesus Christ. I know he is finally happy without the use of drugs.

He loved his family and most especially his 3 children with all of his heart. I will miss him very deeply for the rest of my life until I die and we see each other again.
Telling his children was the hardest thing my husband and I have ever done. They were in shock and then she’d deep sorrowful tears.

He had a chance in March to come home with a bus ticket paid for and a $100 in his hands…he chose drugs. More recently, a week and a half ago he got out of another hospital after an episode on the streets. The first day he got out he used…as he did the second day too. He had a phone a special girl had given him. The last text he sent me was a song called, “Where feet may fail” by Oceans. I think I will play this at his funeral with a slideshow. He also was waiting on a $1,000 that was due to him so that he could this time come back home and be with our family and his children at Christmas time. The money arrived yesterday…a day too late. Apparently G-d needed him more.

Since our son was a pedestrian hit by a vehicle, there is an investigation. We will not be able to bring his body back to Oklahoma for probably close to two weeks.
Tomorrow we go to the funeral home and start the process.

I wanted to tell you a little about our son…he was born in Germany while husband was in the Army. His first word was “fooba” for football. As a toddler he was my sleepy baby…he would even put himself in his own crib. As he got older he loved art. He also played soccer, baseball and football…was even coached by his dad in football. He loved the weather…it was beautiful to him. He was a dreamer, a thinker…about profound stuff, yet as an adult it was the mundane…the 9-5 job that he couldn’t handle.
He loved legos. He loved guacamole. As he got older, he loved to write long eloquent texts about G-d and deep mysteries.
At 13 he started drinking and smoking. When he was 18 he joined the Army while his new wife was pregnant…this only last around 16 months. He was given an honorable discharge thank goodness but he was discharged for substance abuse.
A few years later while chasing a storm in another town, he had a suicidal episode and up in the ER room where he ended up spitting at 2 police officers. He was charged and went to prison for a year and half. The drug use was getting worse..opioids and then Meth. The streets were his home when things would stop working at our house. He liked California.
This is just a little about him…Oh and he was so handsome but never acted like he knew it. He also had a great sense of humor.
I am so glad G-d gave him to me. He taught me patience and expanded my capacity to love exponentially. He was complicated…I remember hearing the song Simple Man by Lynard Skinard when he was a teenager and crying with him in the car beside me on the way too school. I wanted him to be happy and have his own kind of success whatever that may be.
He was a good son…loved his mama SO much!

I know the way addiction works and I know it will seek to destroy me too if I let it. I must keep moving forward…holding my son in my heart always.

LMS
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts as you navigate the storms of loss.
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
LMS, as a mom of a difficult child who can't quite get to the next level of independence, my heart breaks for you. The hard work, love, education,patience helped him. it was not wasted. Don't forget you and husband worked very hard. You can wrap the wound in your heart with that little bit of consolation. The demons of drug addiction is a cruel master. I pray he is at peace and has found an existence where he can just be. I remember our visits together and how positive you were about his potential.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Thank you Marcie, everywoman and Fran. It’s nice to see some old familiar faces around here.

I am doing okay. Reading grief books and watching church on the internet. I find myself wanting to draw even closer to things of G-d so as to be even closer to my J. Tomorrow I may see my old counselor who knew all about J and his addiction issues as well as his cycle between homelessness hospitals and our house.

I miss my J most at night as I go to pray. Sometimes his whole life plays back in my mind. I find it hard to go to sleep. I just lay in bed thinking of everything for a couple of hours before I finally drift off.

Still missing J terribly. The other day I said to dear husband, “Why did I get left with my other two who I barely have a relationship with?” I do have a relationship with my daughter but she is busy with her husband and new baby. J and I were just always closest. I think because of the Bipolar we had in common. I so wish I could have convinced him that prescribed medication was enough to live on…that he didn’t need anything more.

I look at his pictures and miss his sweet smile. We loved each other so much. There is no replacing the hole that is left in my heart with anyone or anything else. I pray this gets easier to deal with over time but I suspect not.

Thank you all for your comforting words and prayers.
LMS
 

Ephchap

Active Member
Thank you Marcie, everywoman and Fran. It’s nice to see some old familiar faces around here.

I am doing okay. Reading grief books and watching church on the internet. I find myself wanting to draw even closer to things of G-d so as to be even closer to my J. Tomorrow I may see my old counselor who knew all about J and his addiction issues as well as his cycle between homelessness hospitals and our house.

I miss my J most at night as I go to pray. Sometimes his whole life plays back in my mind. I find it hard to go to sleep. I just lay in bed thinking of everything for a couple of hours before I finally drift off.

Still missing J terribly. The other day I said to dear husband, “Why did I get left with my other two who I barely have a relationship with?” I do have a relationship with my daughter but she is busy with her husband and new baby. J and I were just always closest. I think because of the Bipolar we had in common. I so wish I could have convinced him that prescribed medication was enough to live on…that he didn’t need anything more.

I look at his pictures and miss his sweet smile. We loved each other so much. There is no replacing the hole that is left in my heart with anyone or anything else. I pray this gets easier to deal with over time but I suspect not.

Thank you all for your comforting words and prayers.
LMS
LMS,

My heart broke hearing the news. You were a true warrior mom. You did everything you could to help keep him on the right path. We can only do so much; it’s up to the addict. I know you know these things deep in your heart, but it doesn’t take the pain away.

We are all wrapping our arms around you in a big group hug. It’s like our kids were everyone’s kids. We feel the pain when each one stumbles. We’ve all been in this together for so many years

Deb (Ephchap)
 

Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
“But for the grace…”

I’m so sorry, LMS. My Rob still struggles periodically even after all of these years. There is never a moment’s rest when our kids are dealing with mental health and/or addiction issues. I’m sending many hugs and understanding. Please take comfort knowing that you did the best you could and that’s all anyone can ask. Hold tight onto your family. My deepest sympathy to you.

Suz
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Thank you Deb and Suz… with all the old faces around here lately it is reminding me so much of J’s funeral. Thank you all for showing up to be here for me at this time as well as all the times in the past. I don’t know what I would have done without all the support over the years and I am forever grateful.

We received the police report 2 days ago. It left me feeling fairly frustrated and disturbed. Witnesses saw my son on the highway at around 4am and did not call authorities. He died at 4:55am. My son had no shoes on his feet and I know the temps Thanksgiving morning in Napa had to be in the 30’s. My son had a citation in his pocket from the day before…likely due to public intoxication previously, which means within that past 24 hours he had contact with police and was likely on Meth during that time as the autopsy revealed he had Meth in his blood and urine. Oh and the driver who hit my son did not have a license and is likely not a US citizen.
So many people involved that did not call 911…till it was too late.
In the past, intervention for my son always came. He would get high, act strangely, help would come and he would be hospitalized. He would get stable, set goals, look forward to getting out of the hospital. Then get out…and get high all over again.

I guess he ran out of chances. He had had hundreds of them.
I wish I could bring him back…but for what? He always chose drugs at the end of the day. I am still sad for his loss. Maybe I always will be. I find myself so lonely these days. I didn’t realize how much of my life’s energy was filled up with dear son.

Thank you all for wrapping your collective arms around me. Knowing someone cares means so much to me.
LMS
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
Our dear precious son passed away early Thanksgiving morning. He was likely on drugs. He was homeless and was hit by a vehicle In California.

I have been a member of the Board since he was around 13 years old. No more suffering, pain, depression, hunger or cold for him. He has been lifted up with G-d and his Savior Jesus Christ. I know he is finally happy without the use of drugs.

He loved his family and most especially his 3 children with all of his heart. I will miss him very deeply for the rest of my life until I die and we see each other again.
Telling his children was the hardest thing my husband and I have ever done. They were in shock and then she’d deep sorrowful tears.

He had a chance in March to come home with a bus ticket paid for and a $100 in his hands…he chose drugs. More recently, a week and a half ago he got out of another hospital after an episode on the streets. The first day he got out he used…as he did the second day too. He had a phone a special girl had given him. The last text he sent me was a song called, “Where feet may fail” by Oceans. I think I will play this at his funeral with a slideshow. He also was waiting on a $1,000 that was due to him so that he could this time come back home and be with our family and his children at Christmas time. The money arrived yesterday…a day too late. Apparently G-d needed him more.

Since our son was a pedestrian hit by a vehicle, there is an investigation. We will not be able to bring his body back to Oklahoma for probably close to two weeks.
Tomorrow we go to the funeral home and start the process.

I wanted to tell you a little about our son…he was born in Germany while husband was in the Army. His first word was “fooba” for football. As a toddler he was my sleepy baby…he would even put himself in his own crib. As he got older he loved art. He also played soccer, baseball and football…was even coached by his dad in football. He loved the weather…it was beautiful to him. He was a dreamer, a thinker…about profound stuff, yet as an adult it was the mundane…the 9-5 job that he couldn’t handle.
He loved legos. He loved guacamole. As he got older, he loved to write long eloquent texts about G-d and deep mysteries.
At 13 he started drinking and smoking. When he was 18 he joined the Army while his new wife was pregnant…this only last around 16 months. He was given an honorable discharge thank goodness but he was discharged for substance abuse.
A few years later while chasing a storm in another town, he had a suicidal episode and up in the ER room where he ended up spitting at 2 police officers. He was charged and went to prison for a year and half. The drug use was getting worse..opioids and then Meth. The streets were his home when things would stop working at our house. He liked California.
This is just a little about him…Oh and he was so handsome but never acted like he knew it. He also had a great sense of humor.
I am so glad G-d gave him to me. He taught me patience and expanded my capacity to love exponentially. He was complicated…I remember hearing the song Simple Man by Lynard Skinard when he was a teenager and crying with him in the car beside me on the way too school. I wanted him to be happy and have his own kind of success whatever that may be.
He was a good son…loved his mama SO much!

I know the way addiction works and I know it will seek to destroy me too if I let it. I must keep moving forward…holding my son in my heart always.

LMS
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I haven’t been here for so long but was thinking of you all today. My heart knows the sadness you’re feeling but also has the hope of Jesus. Maybe our sons are friends in heaven. Hugs mama.
 

momshope

New Member
My heart is sending you every bit of positive energy and strength for you loss, truly.
God must know that you can get through this, and I believe in you. I know the pain well, and never thought I could get past it. I know you can, but you may wish to focus on self care with a diligence.
I never ever thought I would recover from my loss of my niece and nephew, whom I took in whilst their mama was in detox 7 times. When you fill your heart with the positive memories, eventually with the help of G-d, it can mitigate your loss. Eventually.
I start my day with prayer and meditation, thanking my Higher power for the blessings in my life. Ten minutes of peace first thing in the morning has helped me, as well as therapy and friends. You have a gift, that can somehow benefit even one person. I encourage you to use it.
Please be kind to your loving self, rally those who support you, and know that YOU probably gave him the best times of your life, my friend. Practice perhaps, putting self first? It is hard but it helped me. I don't wish to be a martyr, as they die. I wish to become a strong woman who can thrive and perhaps learn from these hard learned lessons.
The love never ends. Nor does the pang of loss. But please know you are NOT alone n this, and worthy of a good and productive life.
With love, prayer and hugs - xo
 
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