My Son is a Pedophile....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Otto von Bismark, May 22, 2014.

  1. Yep, I started a thread about this in 2012. We have cruised along more or less, thinking we had helped him by controlling his access to the internet, but we recently found a stolen iPod touch with internet in his room and lots of illegal child porn images. VERY DISTURBING. Trying to figure out what to do.

    Here is the original thread:

    I guess we are considering turning him in, because all of the images are illegal. I think even cartoon child porn images are illegal in the US.

    He has Asperger's. He also has borderline intellectual disability and the last time(only time) he was an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital, he came home with new tricks and ideas, so we are afraid sending him to be around more sophisticated teens. Also, we found he has frontal lobe brain damage and focal seizures that show damage in area of impulse control, so there are organic issues as well.

    WTF do we do now? He is a few weeks away from turning 16. He is now the only child in the house and my husband is installing security cameras all over the house and yard, so perhaps this is a safer place for him than a jail, but we don't have resources to help him therapeutically. We are still totally lost.

    I have written to some pedophile experts at major universities asking for contacts or resources for therapy, because we can't seem to find any on our own.

    Is he a criminal for downloading images? Should he be prosecuted as such? I mean, this comes with a permanent record, even as a juvenile, right? He has autism, so I suspect he would like, DIE in juvie. He has no self-preservation skills at all.

    Anyone want to chime in on this?
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I think I would talk to a lawyer/social worker and ask for advice. It may be a case where since he isn't physically harming anyone they can get some court mandated care. The lawyer/social worker might be able to get you into a system that could offer help without getting him a long term record.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    it doesn't seem as if he has harmed any child. Is he just looking at underage children?

    I would call that a red flag.

    A friend of mine adopted two kids, boy and girl, and the boy has serious problems (birhtmom a drug addict and schizophrenic). The boy came to his mother and said, "I'm attracted to little girls, like eight years old." They have another child about that age. They decided it was too dangerous for him to live there. CPS agreed to set him up in residential treatment. I think he is still there, with visits home where he is carefully watched. But I don't really know what is going on...haven't talked to her in a while.

    I would definitely alert somebody to his tendencies if he is looking at pictures of children who are very young. Somebody must stop him from acting on it. I do not know if there is any cure for this. We did adopt a child who was definitely a pedophile. At 12 he was sexually abusing five year olds, and the six year gap counts as sexual abuse in a court of lawf. He was charged and found guilty. The county initiated the charge, not us.

    But he had already violated young children. He wasn't just looking at pictures. Are you sure your son has never touched a young child? I know that is a terribly hard question to ask...hugs for your hurting heart.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    This is such a tough subject. As you probably know, they have been busting middle and HS kids for even sexting naked pictures of themselves to each other. I knew a boy from another forum years ago who was labeled a sex offender at the age of 13 for simply pushing a little girl on a swing and he accidentally touched her underpants. She was wearing a dress. Aspergers wasnt known back then so he was labeled with some intellectual functioning disorder I believe.

    On the other hand, I know of a boy who did physically sexually abuse his sisters for quite sometime and he was put into a program for about a year and then when he graduated HS, he went into the Army. He didnt get prosecuted hence no record. I dont know what became of him because I havent heard anything in probably a good 5 years.
  5. Jerri

    Jerri Member

    Good Morning!
    Ok, got that out of the way, so maybe I can try to respond... its been a long time for me! Replying not SEX! LOL
    WOW it will never cease to amaze me how easily we become alienated, confused, outraged, overwhelmed and ashamed about a bodily function.

    I "get" this so much!

    I can tell you from personal experience, that in my opinion many people who are struggling with difficult child issues, want no part of your post! For some the heading will be enough to just keep them moving on.

    Others may read your post... only to reassure themselves that "whew" they don't have anything like that happening to them!

    Yep, most of us just cannot or will not put much energy into issues that do NOT directly relate to our own situation.

    Its just the way it is, status quo thing you know.

    Your situation is not unique to difficult child-Dom, we all have to deal with variants of this at some point in the journey... to be clear this applies to the most even keeled easy child just as much.

    While I am being honest here, many marriages are like-wise afflicted as well, we simply don't have the "stomach" for it... discussing sex and sexual behavior.

    There is no quicker, efficient, sure fire way to rid your self of excess friends, family and supporters than to tell them that you are in the company of someone you believe may be a sexual predator... this is already evidenced by your own Daughters (normal) reaction to disclosing to her potential life mate the "truth" about her brother...

    And sadly... her concerns are so very real and VALID!

    To say that I have some experience here would be an understatement.

    Like you, I was determined to do what-ever I could to address my situation and seek any and all intervention strategies known and even unknown to man!

    Its not out there... as a society we simply cannot treat these issues with any thing remotely resembling common sense... common sense is a no-show when its dealing with these taboos.

    But we should, and so should you.

    I remember vividly the 1st time I changed my Son's diaper and saw his penis erect... I was a 19 year old Mom, and I honestly did not KNOW that a baby could get these... the only experience I had with them was with men, and I honestly was worried that he had something wrong with him. My Mother-In-Law was staying with me those 1st few days and you can bet your sweet britches, I sure didn't have the hutzpah to broach it with her.

    Some people are laughing right now, and asking how I could be so stupid? There is an easy answer for that... I was the product of sexual abuse... and my perspective on an erect penis was pretty skewed! I called my Grandma Burke...

    As I updated her on each detail of my new baby, how he was eating, pooping and peeing, I him'd and haw'd about just the right way to tell her about this, and ask her what "he" was thinking about in order to have this happen. I sit here Mother of 5 with 14 Grands shaking my head and feeling very squeamish telling you or anyone else about this very TRUE story.

    But, SHE was Grandma Burke, and I think my voice was almost cracking with tears... and she just blurted out that Babies DONT think about SEX and that they get pee-rections! WHEW! ALL Babies get them... WHEW! This was normal. WHEW! There were lots of things SHE didn't know when she had her 1st child. WHEW! I was going to be an awesome Mother. WHEW!

    It is from this well spring, I will reply to your post...

    I read your post and the replies, and went back to the original as well.

    How is such an impaired difficult child not only managing to steal an IPOD,(and then hide) but also downloading images that from my understanding are difficult to locate and access? I think you might be getting the cart before the horse here... as it seems like you are in DEFENSE mode by using the limitations when he is clearly demonstrating to you a good level of competence... (trust me I completely understand your wanting to mitigate the consequences that this behavior might have on truly... the rest of his life) Just want you to ask yourself if you are not recognizing his abilities albeit anti-social skills...?

    Find positives and build from there.

    What is in his room?

    Consequences for contraband in any milieu should be the same at his home. If he is going to steal and hide contraband in his room, there should be no place in his room to accommodate that behavior.

    Meaning to me... in my home, you get a mattress, a pillow, and a blanket... all that STUFF that he calls his, are no longer his, and you don't have the skills or time to "shake down" his cell 10 times a day, so he doesn't get to keep it. IF or WHEN he is charged with a crime resulting from his behavior.... you can assure him, that you are being kinder because you are letting him keep his pillow. No dressers, bed frames, toys, books, pictures etc. his closet door gets locked and you chose his clothing each day. It really is no different than where he's headed except he will not be getting beat up and abused.

    Window and door locks/alarms are also normal modifications.

    As far as resources for him now, you are his resource, you are providing for his care, he is being housed, fed, socialized, educated, groomed, medically supervised (you take him to the Dr.) and you are restricting his ability to come into contact with potential victims right?

    Is HE a criminal? YES, and you can impose a sentence upon him right now, just as you would for every other rule violation in your home. I know that you are wanting to know as in terms of the Legal System, and the answer is again YES! Should you initiate a complaint... that is up to you, but you really need to start at home right now... exposing him to his real consequences... granted it feels like you are over your head, but your NOT yet...

    Should he be Prosecuted? YES! You can do that today, along with your Husband, hold court in the kitchen and let him know, that you have the evidence and this is what is punishment is. Should you be a Good Citizen 1st or a Good Parent? Its a tough call, you feel so responsible because you don't know that many other parents deal with / have dealt with issues that are similar with their own Children, difficult child's and easy child's alike, because quite frankly the way things are stacked many kids don't know WHERE the line is in regards to sex, thoughts about sex, sexual experimentation, and sexual acts. They don't know, because WE just don't/wont talk about them enough.

    to be cont...
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • List
  6. Jerri

    Jerri Member

    Your reaction is very NORMAL, let me say that again... your reaction is very NORMAL. It is NORMAL to be ashamed and insecure about discovering that your Kid isn't stacking up just right when it comes to their sexual development. You should want to know WHY he is fixated on this. But you are going to have to get back to the basics to do so. Find out what his thoughts are about sex and sexual functioning, I would recommend its a TWO parent discussion. Talk to your Daughter... ask her what her ideas and thoughts are, and then ask her if she thinks you were a contributing participant in the development of the same... and what she felt your shortcomings were in regards to the education you gave her.

    Will he die in jail? Quite possibly... will he be irrevocably harmed? ABSOLUTELY

    Is he old enough for this not to be your problem any longer? Maybe...

    I have chimed.

    If there is anything in my response that you think is critical or non-supportive in this response, I wish for you to read this: I in NO WAY, shape manner or form, believe that you are doing anything wrong, I understand so well, how hard it was for you to simply type out this post... I am willing to bet you would have preferred to stand naked in the Town Square than to share this secret with any other human being, because we don't even want ourselves to know this stuff.

    When I was responding to you, reading the posts and replies, I re-experienced many of the same gut wrenching, jaw tightening effects that I had the 1st go round, starting with the Baby Boy conversation.

    My "CHIME" is the only thing I have to offer and that is to channel Grandma Burke... and I gotta hit PICO here and give you truth, honesty and open conversation to be had and or started.

    My hope is, that side stepping stigma will open the door for you to take a deep breath and look at this like every other behavior or situation you have or will have as a parent.

    This "chime" would only be negated IF he ACTS or has ACTED on his thoughts and impulses, because then you are dealing with victims, and you will have all these options taken against everyone's will.

    You are not alone... you are just a whole lot braver (desperation does that) than many others. Let the desperation inspire you to take a fresh look and go from there.

    Hugs n Love!!! *smooches*

    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  7. Jerri

    Jerri Member

    P.S. I was already working in the Garden, when it hit me! Sheesh Jerri, mighta been helpful IF you told the poor lady that NONE/NADA/Nothing that my fears about what my difficult child would become has ever came to fruition. Meaning that although I was convinced I parented a sexual deviant / predator... it never became an issue, and all that angst and such was at the end of the day averted. He is a productive, contributing, successful, happy, solid young man that I respect in many many ways.
  8. layne

    layne Member

    To be honest, I don't think there is anything you can do, except possibly turn him in. Think about it, if he stole an Ipod with internet on it already and he is viewing/downloading child porn, the owner of that Ipod could get into serious trouble. How does the Ipod already have internet on it, do you know?
  9. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I don't agree, and neither does the law. The children used to make these images have been seriously harmed. Using these images creates more demand and more children will be seriously harmed.
    In the UK, viewing, downloading or owning such material is a serious criminal offence with serious repercussions. Would you not be prosecuted and criminalised for failing to report this in the US?
    Last edited: May 26, 2014
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    In the US, you aren't prosecuted for not reporting it. Doesn't work that way. We don't have to report seeing somebody stealing something either.

    Looking at child porn and getting caught is another issue and I'm not sure what happens. The person who took those pictures would get into HUGE trouble if he could be traced. Not sure about the looker.

    If you are proven to have touched a child, the book gets thrown at you, even if you are underage. I had a foster/adopted child who was thirteen and touched my six and eight year old and they put him on trial and found him guilty and he had to sign up as a child predator. He went to a child's version of a lock down for young sexual predators and he tried to perp in there too, but the cameras caught him. I digress.

    We don't have to report anything if we are not doing it. If we are a part of it, then it's different. If it's murder, different. But child porn...(and I deplore it)...

    They will arrest the person who gets caught looking at child porn, but not the wife who didn't turn him in. Heck, there are people who have SEEN children being abused and don't turn the perpetrator in, often out of fear for their own lives or their children's.

    Would I turn my child in for this? Most likely, yes. But I don't know what happens legally if somebody is caught looking at child porn. Does anyone know? What happens if a teenager, say, is looking at child porn but has not yet touched a child?

    Of course, if they are looking they are probably also touching, but it has to be proven...somebody has to bring it to the attention of authorities and many sick pedophiles go years without getting caught.
  11. layne

    layne Member

    I am not sure about looking at it, but I know a former teacher of mine got the book thrown at him for having child porn in his computer, at least that's what the site said. I know if you download child porn you definitely broke the law. If the cops found this boys ipod and it has child porn in it, I am pretty sure he could be arrested for that.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    But what happens to him? Does he go to jail? How long? Just get parole? Get off with a warning? Now I"m curious. Think I'll look it up.
  13. layne

    layne Member

    If the cops found that Ipod in his room, and saw the child porn and decided to charge him, yes he would go to jail. For how long all depends what state that he lives in and what laws apply. I don't know about my state laws when it comes to child porn, but I know in my state, you can be charged very young for statutory rape, as young as 13 I believe. So if they are that strict with statutory rape, I would imagine they would be even stricter with child porn. Like I said, I hope the person who actually owns the Ipod doesn't get into trouble. That's why if any of your electronics are stolen, you should report it to the police, even if it's just to get a report.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thanks, layne. I'm glad to know you get into trouble for viewing child porn.
  15. layne

    layne Member

    Yes and my heart goes out to this mother. Her story will help other people. It's obvious that some are born with pedophilia and I feel bad for those that are because they can't control it. I am a sexual abuse victim myself and I can dig deep to find sympathy for mothers who have sons like this. How do you fix someones brain when it comes to pedophilia when they are born with that problem in their head? How is that fair to that child who is born with such a curse. I don't think there is any help for the mother out there. She is trying her best to do everything she can to get help for her son, only to find out there really isn't any "help" out there, but yet , if her son does something, they will blame her. It's a lose, lose situation. Jail will not help her son. He is still young enough for one last fighting chance before he turns 18. I think Otto should send him to the best therapeutic residence she can find if she can afford it. Re-finance your home if you have to. Throw everything you got into it. However, if your resources are depleted or you don't have enough money, there really isn't much more you can do and that is horrible because you are willing to do anything to try and stop him.
  16. Thank you all all for your replies. When I saw the first reply come to my inbox, I clicked on it from my phone, but didn't realize that that didn't log me in. I needed to log in for the forumbot to give me further notifications that there were other posts. Due to the nature of the topic, I just assumed that no one replied. Sorry for not commenting earlier.

    I am awed by the compassion you all have. We don't seem to get the same from therapists. I don't remember if I mentioned in my original thread (linked in this first post) that we were refused by 30 doctors. Not joking. In a way I am grateful, because at these docs were probably just being honest that this kind of thing is something they don't have experience treating. But we called many docs listed on our insurance plan. We found one doctor who treats it, but he never answered his voicemail. I left ten messages over two months, and when I drove to his office to cold-call him, it was closed.

    I paid around $500 to a developmental pediatrician who ended up seeing us one time to say that she wouldn't take him on and she also had no advice for what to do. We saw a psychiatrist who was very good, who specialized in autism, but she told us at the time that there was no medication for him, other than what she could give him to treat his lack of attention. She has since retired.

    Just so you know, he is hard to punish, because he does not care about any consequences at all. We have tried all kinds of punishment, restrictions, chores. We have tried redirection (putting his energy into swimming so he would be physically spent), chores, family jigsaw time, we have tried rewards for good behavior (charts, stickers, working toward something he likes. We have tried scare tactics (had him join a police explorer's thing with our local police department, so he could see jail, etc), and explaining what his life will be like if he breaks the law, esp in this way. People hate pedophiles, even ones who never act on their feelings. The positive reinforcements works the best because largely, this child is motivated by things that make him feel good, things that he wants and likes. That's all he thinks about.

    I actually listened to a podcast on This American Life about pedophilia and there was an expert doctor on there who talked with compassion and reason about this subject....SO I WROTE TO HER.
    She wrote back this weekend asking if she could share our situation with some colleagues. She also said that he doesn't
    sound like a pedophile so much as someone with a degenerative brain disorder which can impact both impulsivity and sexual arousal to young children. Also, rather than putting him in some sort of sex offender treatment (residential or otherwise), it might be better to address the root issue of his seizures and frontal lobe damage – and whatever other neurological issue that might be contributing to his impulsiveness and (possibly) his sexual interest in young boys.

    If this shows any promise, we should probably get hooked up with a REALLY good neuro.

    By the way, I also agree that the children in any kind of images he has looked at (a lot were cartoons/anime, and a lot were just naked little boys on pottie seats -- blogging moms should really stop putting pictures of their little nude kids on the internet!), and I agree that children are harmed in the taking of photos/videos, and every viewer for sexual pleasure is taking part in that harming. I am not unwilling to turn my son in, just considering the wisdom of it at this time, esp. if experts can see it as a neurological problem, autism problem as well as a sexual one. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR TIME AND REPLIES. I really need this support.
  17. By the way, we have an open dialogue about sex. We have talked about the possibility of him being touched when he was young. He doesn't remember anything, but it came up as "highly likely" in his psychological testing that he had. We have talked about gay/straight/transgender which is all they seem to talk about at his school these days. We have talked about what that means. When he was younger he thought he was gay because kids called him gay. He had a cleft palate and has a nasally speaking voice which is odd -- yes we have tried speech therapy for it. He thought that because someone called him gay, he must be gay. He also said he wants to be one of the guys but can't ( he doesn't play sports other than swimming, guys don't want to hang out with him), but he wants to be a part of the guy world in some way so, in his mind, his longing means he must be attracted to them. We are not sure if this is actually his sexuality, or if autism and his limited reasoning makes him thing this is his sexuality.
    He also says he is mad because girls don't like him and he sees no way to ever get a girl friend.
    But....we talk about it all. We talk about his compulsive masturbation. We talk about what it takes to be in a relationship. We talk about what happens when the police catch someone with child porn. We talk about how even the cartoon images are illegal in the US. We talk about what jail is like. We talk about AIDS.

    One other thing that has come of this so far is we have removed him from his special-ed private school because he tried to get a younger boy, who is fairly impaired, to masturbate in front of him in the bathroom. This school was better for him in some respects, because the kids were like him and he had a social life and friends. He was accepted and he loved going to school every day. But, it is also very small and K-12 and we didn't want him to be near younger children, so for 9th grade he went to the local public school, which is huge, and filled with about 70% low-income, free lunch, ESL kids. Very rough place, but it is where he is zoned and we are pretty sure he could not abuse anyone in there. The downside is he hates it, has no friends, is miserable and failing most of his classes. He wants to quit school. He has been exposed to drugs, and is regularly bullied and rejected. Very sad situation, but, we did this to protect other kids from his potential as an abuser.

    We told him this is a natural consequence of what he did to the boy at his other school. This is what happens. by the way, I tried to get the school and the parents of the boy to press charges, but both declined.

    All of this pretty much wrecks me. I am trying to stay calm and find ways to de-stress. It is usually exercise, but I have developed a second autoimmune disease that has had me down and out for a couple of months. I am dreading summer, because it is very hot where we live and my son does not have anywhere to go or anything to do for summer. He can't go to a camp (younger kids), he is probably not ready for a job, though he has applied for a few. He has no friends. We told one place that he would need to be kept away from younger children and they suddenly found their program to be full. This is all so discouraging. Frankly, I am sick of being with him all the time, because when he is not in school, we are with him ALL THE TIME. It's like house arrest for all of us.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I have to warn you to be careful. I wish I could give better news, but our sexual pedophile, once arrested at thirteen and put in a lock up, admitted he had been having sex, as he put it, with young children (much younger than him and without their consent, obviously) since he was little. It really doesn't matter why it ends up this sad way. The other children have to be safe and next time charges may be pressed. In our case, the county pressed the charges. This child had to list himself as a pedophile on the state registry, just like an adult. He was more involved with younger kids, mostly very young or vulnerable/disabled kids than we could have ever guessed and I feel that, if we know our child has this sort of problem, our children should either be in a lock up treatment center or never alone with other kids. I do mean NEVER.

    I have no idea if your boy can be treated. We were told the prognosis isn't good. He was in a place targeted for treatment of young sexual predators, yet he tried to perp even there. Ijust know it is our responsibility to make sure our children do not perp on other children. WE can get into trouble!!!

    As much as you are tired of being with him all the time, your only other choice is residential treatment. These types of children are very sneaky. We found out that this child was terrifying our other kids so that they were afraid to tell us. If we hadn't busted him for something other than the perping (he choked our dog to death), he would not have been removed from our home and we would never have been told by our young kids what he had been doing to them. We also suspect he was perping on a mute epileptic at school and we do know he killed many neighborhood animals and set fires so he was pretty far gone.

    Be careful and I am so sorry for your plight. I have lived it and it is traumatic, to say the least.
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Otto, I just wanted to say that I have read this thread and you sound like a good mother and a very responsible and caring person. I'm so sorry this is your plight today.

    I appreciate your resourcefulness so very much! You are a warrior mom, just like so many of us here.

    Hugs and blessings to you all.
  20. layne

    layne Member

    Otto, that is amazing that the expert doctor from the podcast is willing to help you! Man, you got VERY lucky with that! I think that is the BEST thing to have happen right now. That's like an answer from God. The colleagues who will be evaluating him will figure out what's best to do. Man, count your lucky stars seriously that this happened. Please, please let us know how it goes.