Hi there, and so sorry for your situation. I can try to give at least my own perspective and experience and others will give theirs. Nobody can tell you what to do but yourself. by the way, 10 days clean is not significant. Ten months, yes. Ten days, I'd still go one day at a time and not get too optimistic. Addiction is often on again/off aggain/relspase. It is rarely quickly eradicated.
Your husband can spend h is entire life trying to fix his adult son, who is nearing 30, but he won't succeed. Nobody can fix another person. Nobody. Often our attempts to fix them hold them back. Your son is 27 and so far trying to fix him hasn't helped. Think about it.
Your younger daughter deserves peace in her home and the attention that difficult adult children seem to suck from everyone around them. Why should she have to deal with a drugged brother in the home? How old is sh e?
In my case, I gave my daughter many chances and, fortunately, she was young so she did eventually quit. But it was hello from age 12-19.
When we caught her having a drug party in our house, after swearing she had been clean (drug addicts lie a lot...my own daughter has told me that as part of her drug days stories)...we finally told her she would have to leave. We had two younger kids, very young in fact, and her behavior and the police visiting her scared them. She was fortunate enough to have a brother who allowed her to live in his basement, not a very welcoming place, but it was a roof. As long as she cooked, cleaned, got a job even though she had to walk to and from, and did not disturb his leased tenants (he rented out rooms in his large house), she could stay. One drug slip in his house or even a cigarette and she was out. He was very strict and she did not want to become homeless so she listened to his rules. Funny because she would not listen to us saying the same thing, but it d oesn't matter. She quit
She had to make all new friends. She had moved to another state so she had a choice--befriend the druggies there or find new friends. She chose to find new friends, but that took time and she was very lonely for a long time, but did not take drugs. by the way, her drug of choice had been any kind of speed, including meth. She was very shy without drugs. She worked at a fast food place a nd walked back and forth as we did not give her any vehicle. We felt she should not be driving while high and that it was best for her character to buy her own car. There are other ways to get to work. Our inebriated adult kids are a danger on the road plus we don't owe any of our adult children a car. Nor paying their bills and we did not contribute money to her.
She stepped up to the plate, but not until she was out. At home she just got worse. Now even if we had not had younger children, I'm not sure we would have kept her at home. Her friends were dangerous and that brought danger to us. The drugs in the house that she hid could have gotten us in legal trouble. Her behavior was often destructive to the rental house we lived in. She lied. She stole.The usual drug behaviors. How was I helping her by keeping her at home? If her brother had not taken her in, even with airtight strictness, we still would have made her leave, along with a list of homeless shelters and places to eat.
Her last words before leaving with brother were, "I will hate you forever!"
I cried for three weeks.
She quit. We are very close. Her life is wholesome and boring now. A house, a SO of almost twelve years, a beautiful grandbaby for me that she is very responsible towards.
I did not want to feel responsible if something happened to my daughter and I had been the one funding her habit and giving her no incentive to quit.
In her case, it turned out well. No guarantees. Even if they live at home though, while using drugs, they face the same dangers because they hang around with the same dangerous people and do the same dangerous things. If we give them money, it probably goes for drugs. I think giving a drug addict a car is madness. It may make the addict happy, but gives him greater access to other druggies and my daughter had three accidents, only one was in our vehicle. That was the last time she drove our car. After that "friends" allowed her to drive without insurance. How crazy is that, but druggies don't think about consequences. Her last accident was so serious that she owed the lady she hit some $15,000 even after she was sober. Her father finally paid the lady off after it was clear Daughter was now sober, working, on her own, and trying hard.
My own opinion is it's better not the let them live at home. Being so close to us, they bring us all d own with them. I find it's better to let them go and hope they turn it around and keep contact low. No allowing them to talk to us about how we owe them money or they will starve (they won't and will use money for drugs) or how it's our fault they use because they were yelled at when they were six years old (they choose their behavior as adults and if they have other issues it is up to them to get help...legally, we can do nothing), or other manipulative ways they guilt us into doing more than we can afford to do, in more than one way.
I was a tough mom. I would not have dismissed those stolen car charges. Jail can be a good thing for some of our kids and I never wanted my daughter to think she would not have to face consequences for illegal behavior or that we would rescue her. We turned her in once for having drugs on her. She was on probation twice. It was very hard to make that call, but we did it. She was only fifteen. Maybe knowing we would not be there to rescue her helped her quit? This is something we ponder, but we don't know and she doesn't either but she does, now that she quit, think we did the right thing.
We can not control our grown children. We can only change ourselves and the way we interact with them. We know what has not worked. We can try new things, such as detaching (read article on detachment on top of the page). We can refuse to listen to their abuse or manipulation:
"When you are calmer, we will talk. I love you." (disconnect phonecall or texting and put phone in a drawer).
They often get worse when we set boundaries so we have to protect ourselves. That may require lock changes and hiding our bank cards and credit cards in a lock box in case they get back in.
But this is all if you are going to tell your son to leave. If he steals, is violent, uses drugs in your home, is disrespectful, is not working, etc. etc. etc. you have to make hard choices about what you want to do to take care of your own lives. If you truly want him to stay, then you take on his behaviors. Some grown kids never leave home...they are 60 living with 85 year old parents. They are still addicts. The elderly parents never had their golden years as they tried to take care of their adult child. This happens. More t han we think. Others decide they raised their kids and have tried everything and nothing works and they are going to live their own lives and not give up all t heir retirement money to an adult who does not want to change. There are free resources out there and if somebody really wants to change, they will, even if they have no money.
My daughter quit on her own, not even telling us, with her boyfriends help only. Everyone is different.
I offer empathy and hugs for your hurting heart. Don't forget that YOU matter as much as your adult child. He is a man now...he could have already done military duty, finished college, been working for years, etc. but he is choosing drugs. How we deal with this is individual. I'd say most here have finally told our grown children t hey have to leave and can't come back.
You'll get more feedback. Again, I'm so sorry.