My weekend ~not so good

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by cadydid, Jan 11, 2009.

  1. cadydid

    cadydid New Member

    DS is sick with a cold.. not a good start to the weekend.. He doesnt get sick often, but when he does.. he really does...

    Saturday day was good enough.. Minor issues, but nothing too terrible. I spent the day cooking th efamily's favorite dinner.. eggrolls, fried rice, sweet and sour chicken and egg drop soup. After dinner, we played Monoply as a family. I told ds before the game started that he would he would get one warning on his behavior, and that if it continued, he would be asked to leave the game. We played for the better part of an hour when he made a comment that my husband did not find funny. He told son that it wasn't funny, and then all heck broke loose. I tried to redirect his attention to the game, but by then, it was a lost cause. I tod him to go to his room, and then it really started.

    Yelling, screaming, trying to throw things. I told him again to go to his room,which he did. But, he proceeded to take his back pack (one with wheels and extendable handle) and beat it on the floor, wall (managed to get another hole in his wall), over and over again. This went on for about 15 minutes until the handle broke and the back pack was no more. He then took the handle that broke off and started to beat on the common wall between his and his sister's room. Now as if this was not bad enough, btu his sister is recovering from a concussion that she suffered Friday night after getting knocked off her bike and hitting her head on the concrete. She comes out to the kitchen in tears and agony because the vibration and sound of him hitting the wall made her head 10 times worse than it was.

    He finally managed to calm down, and I let him out of his room. I asked him to come out to the living room with me so that we would talk. We were talking just fine for about 15 mins, and I do not remember what I said, but he starting hitting the couch. I asked hime once to stop hitting it, and then when he did it again, I told him to stop. The third time I told him if he hit it again that he would be going back to his room. Not more than a minute later, he hit the couch, so I told him he had to go to his room for the night. The next "round"(as we call them in our house) started with a vengence. More yelling and screaming added to the down right refusal to go to his room. I told him 3 times to go to his room and then told him if he did not go then I would have my husband carry him in, and well that jsut set him off all that much more. But after a few minutes, he finally did go, and was asleep for the night in about 20 mins.

    What amazed me more than anything during that was myself. I tried realllyyyyyyyy hard to keep calm and I did :yes:. Came close a few times, but I turned by back to him and took a few deep breaths.

    Today started off well. We watched a couple of shows together, and then I went to work. The day went well enough, until I was getting ready to leave work, and my husband called to say that he had to control the son because he got angry and tied to throw the dining room chair at the wall. (I already have a total of 4 holes in different walls that will require total dry wall replacement which we can not afford right now.) When I say control him, I mean wrap him up in a bear hug. Well when he did that, he kicked my husband which caused him to drop to the floor with him.

    I wish oh I wish I could get a break, but nothing I seem to try ever works out. I was supposed to go wout with my friends for a few hours next weekend, but daughter's ER visit took what little extra money I had.

    The other thing that I wish for is respite care. He has it allotted because of his SED waiver, but my county mental health center is too small to offer it on their own, so they contract with another one. Out of the 5 times that we have scheduled it, they have cancelled 4 of the 5 times. And the one time they did do it, it was shortened from 48 hours to 24 hours. I can't make plans and rely on that to happen. I don't have any family here that I can count on. So I am going to just continue doing what I do and take it one day at a time
  2. Critter Lover

    Critter Lover New Member

    Hi cadydid! Welcome to the group. It sounds like you have your hands full but I wonder if a medication adjustment is not in order. Maybe you should call his doctor that is monitoring his medications and let them know that you still have not found the right mix to calm your difficult child down. It definitely sounds like you need some time to yourself as well.....even if it means that you soak in a tub for a while ....while your hubby watches the kids.

    I do hope things start improving soon for you and your family.


  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    What a weekend!

    You held up remarkably well. Congratulations.

    I hope your difficult child improves this week.

    Oh, by the way, we don't repair the holes in my son's room. It's much more effective to leave them and have him explain to his friends why they are there.
  4. What a weekend, been there done that - far too often. Big hugs and all of my support.

    Good for you in controlling your own temper; it so hard to do. I agree with some of the others that a medication adjustment might be necessary. Is he on any mood stabilizers? My difficult child was also initially diagnosis'd with ADHD/ODD - but he cannot touch the stimulants. The ADHD piece has mellowed some with age and mood stabilization. We are finally at a point where things like The Explosive Child finally work - it didn't work before now.

    Terry's comment about making difficult child explain to friends why there are so many holes in the walls is a good one; While these things did not stop my difficult child's behavior in the end, it did get him to stop for a few seconds and think; and let me off the hook of being embarrassed and responsible. (I used to have a major problem with this). I finally got to the point where if difficult child had a fit and was late for school, that was the polite explanation that would be provided - the truth.

    My only suggestion to think about would be sitting down with husband and determining what you will and will not take/do, what the minimum your difficult child must do (e.g., no hitting the walls); then put the plan in place in conjunction with your psychiatrists/therapists about next steps. Put a limit on the violence, so to speak.

    One of the biggest mistakes I think we made personally with our difficult child was just trying to deal with things day-to-day and not having a real plan in place; even though we were slowly making some headway. The reality is, what little progress we were making was nothing in light of his raging moods and emotions and we could never catch up. Also, what I found personally is that I could/can take less and less of difficult child's violence over time. No clue how we survived, beyond the fact that we always do.

    Interesting, what we have found now that difficult child is truly (? I always question/worry) stabilized are two things: The fall-out still on easy child and difficult child's inability to truly trust others (result of having lived so long in the fight/flight mentality?). The recovery will take a long time for everyone. I expected difficult child to be much better emotionally after he was stabilized - I was and am continually shocked to find out that this is not true and it's why I would be more aggressive on the other end now.

    My two-cents; best wishes for a good day today.
    Lasted edited by : Jan 12, 2009
  5. tunaq

    tunaq New Member

    {hugs} first off, you did fabulous with controling yourself! i am so proud of you! i know how hard it is to not get mad because i am working on that myself. secondly i have to agree with critter, you so need a break even if you do just lock yourself in the bathroom and take a bath. (calgon take me away!) thridly i agree with terry, leave the holes in his room. let him be embarrassed and have to explain them. he made them. {hugs} again, great job controling yourself! you deserve a huge pat on the back!
  6. cadydid

    cadydid New Member

    Thank you all for the words of encouragement. It is most appreciated.

    First an update.. I called the school this morning to let them know that he had a bad weekend. He and I had a deal.. if he got a 100 points at school, then I would let him sleep in the living room and keep the remote. He came up with that if he didn't, then he would be my "personal assistant" for 3 hours on Saturday.

    I got an e-mail from one of his teachers.. he got a 96 !!!!:dancing::dancing: But he was upset about losing on the deal. I was so happy that he managed to do that well, that I told him when I got home that I was so impressed that he managed to pull a 96, that I would compromise with him.. he could sleep in the livng room, but without the remote and he could be my assistant for one hour. He looked at me and said, " Thanks Mom, I was hoping you would notice how hard I worked to get a 100 :) :) :)

    I would love to consider a medication change.. but past experience has taught me not to do it while school is in session. The results have always been disastrous!!! from having respiratory infection like systems and missing alot of school to the police being called to the school because he was so far out of control, they had no choice. I wish there was a magic wand to wave that would let me know what would work before we tried anything

    The holes in his room I do not care so much about.. it's the one in the hallway outside his room that I care about.. ( this is the one that happened when he took something and beat the wall over a few weeks turning it from a basketball size to a near body size hole. You can not come into the dining room with-o seeing it. Hopefully, we can get it fixed when the taxes come in.

    And as for explaining to his friends, he does not really have any.. his Special Education school is so small that he is the only one there in his age group.. And the time at the middle school is all spent in class, so there is no chance for a social interaction.

    I called the mental health center today and asked them to set up respite care for the first week of march.. My anniversay is 3/9 and I would really like to do something with my husband over night.. so keep your fingers crossed ;)
  7. maril

    maril New Member

    You have a very difficult situation, but it sounds like you and your husband are handling things as best you can!

    I have this little hope (well, more like a dream) that my difficult children outbursts will subside but know it is not realistic to think so until we can come up with a better plan to help him help himself; my son is 17 years old.

    Hugs sent your way and wishes for success in your attempts at helping your son!

    I swear we all must have guardian angels watching over us somewhere out there.

    Good luck.