This is my post I accidentally put on General.
- So hubby and I drove to the Chicago area to see my beautiful granddaughter. She is about the same age as Julie was when we first got her from Korea, AND SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE JULIE DID! She is healthy, chubby, baby chatty alert and just the best. That was the good part of my weekend...I got to spend a lot of time with her and she is amazing.
I stayed overnight with Julie and her SO while husband went back to hotel. Husband can't drive at night since he had corneal transplants last year. I mean, he CAN, but he doesn't like to drive FAR at night. And I freak out driving at night because...well, because I am a nervous night driver and it's 3-4 hours away. It didn't matter. We were going to leave Sunday in the morning.
My cell phone rang. It was Jumper, who was in from college to go to her old high school's homecoming. I thought she was over her ex boyfriend, but it turned out she came in specifically to try to get him to hear her out about why she broke up with him. She wants him back, he's a great kid...usually. But he doesn't forgive easily and since sh e broke up with him and truly broke his heart, he won't talk to her. Every time she tried, he walked away. Well, she called us crying, which she never does, then she called again and said, please come home...she can't stop crying and she needs us. She never does that either. I told her to call somebody who knows the story, but she is very private (something that will bite her in the butt if she doesn't change) and even her best friends don't know how she feels. Scared, hub and I left as soon as we could Sunday morning. On the way home, the car started driving funky. Hubby is a mechanic and said a few choice swear words, then told me what was going on. The short of it is we had to drive home very slowly while Jumper kept calling to ask if we were getting closer.
We got home and Jumper was watching the football game and I asked her if she'd listen to me, thinking that my two older kids (Julie and 36) tell me that I give good advice (this is kind of funny that I said it after what 36 did later on). Anyway, she nodded "yes." I gave her a long speech close to what we talk about here (thank you, guys). I told her that she broke up with J. for a reason and that she could not control what he did, but that she could control her reaction to it...that time heals...that she has to love herself more than him...blah, blah, blah. I could tell it worked and she hugged me and was much better and got ready to go back to college.
I was drained.
As soon as she had just driven away, my phone went off and it was 36. He first berated me for not answering the phone in the car (I was probably talking to Jumper or else I just didn't hear it because the truck is loud). Then he moved on immediately to how Junior was getting worse grades in school and the teacher was unhappy with his behavior because he could not sit still or pay attention, although she didn't think it was ADHD (thanks, Teach. I love when teachers become diagnostic psychiatrists). I was surprised because Junior has always gotten good school reports, but, to be honest, the three times I've seen him, I thought there was something wrong with him. He seemed overly hyper, too easy to cry, and I expected this to happen, but was glad when it didn't. Now it has.
Normally I refuse to give 36 advice because he doesn't like my advice. He not only wants advice that is "positive" and makes him "feel good" but he wants me to come up with a great solution. Well, because 36 has joint legal custody with his ex, his situation is complicated. Also, Junior is at a school of choice, not the home address school and the school he is at can decide not to let him come back and he's freaked out that they won't let Junior come back. I guess I said the wrong thing because he hung up on me after a few choice names. I was angry that I didn't have a chance to hang up first I am going to give him a five day time-out for that. But to be honest, this reminds me of how 36 gets when he is nervous or in crisis. Nobody but serial killers are meaner than 36 when he is nervous about something. However, to calm him down in a normal way, like I did with Jumper, isn't possible. He only wants me to say certain things in a certain way...it is hard to explain.
I feel terrible for Junior. But I can't do ANYTHING. I can't even SAY anything because, given his situation, he can't just take Junior to a neuropsychologist of his choosing and he has a court ordered psychologist overseeing the entire family, which ticks him off. So, I was shaking when I got off the phone, not because of 36, but because of the entire weekend and my mood disorder was in "depressed" mode. I never get as depressed as I once did, so that I can not get out of bed and can't eat or sleep or anything, but I do still have ups and downs. I started thinking about suicided.
My mind told me, "You are 61 and still very healthy. What do you have to look forward to? Getting older and sicker and dealing with more problems because life has problems. So why not end it now and call it a life? You overcame a lot and had a good run. Why wait until you are old and maybe senile to end it? It's too hard. It's too hard to fight this mood disorder any longer. Nobody can say you didn't try. Nobody will miss you, except husband and kids, and they will get over it. So think about it." And I did. And I did some more. And I kept on thinking about it. Since I believe in everlasting life and reincarnation, I started wondering if this is when I was SUPPOSED to end my life's journey. Don't try to tell me it's not true...I am convinced it is...and that won't help me at all. Anyway, I'm still here and feel less suicidal today. I am going to call my therapist. I actually had an uptick later in the night. Goodwill Industries, where I work, had a huge sale for workers and the public and I went and got two bags of great stuff for a really low price. I ran into a lot of people I know and, even though I'm an introvert, getting out and being with people REALLY helps me when I'm in a down mode. I need people even though I can only take so much of them. So when I came back home I felt a little better and watched a football game with my husband.
36 tried calling back several times. He is capable of calling ten times in a row. That sent me into a mild tailspin again, but husband got ticked off and turned off my phone, while saying, "He really needs to grow up. What is his problem????" 36 always flabbergasts husband. He can't imagine how somebody his age can be such a big baby and so vindicative and self-centered. Yeahl, well, I can't figure it out either, but thanks, Husband.
I feel better today. Hopefully I can think of good reasons to keep going on at my age. I kept focusing on 61. "You'll get older, you'll get sick, and life is too hard." Ugh. That's how my mind works when I'm in a downhill mode. I am not actively suicidal, but I have to admit I made sense to myself this weekend.
As soon as the therapist gets in, I'm going to call the office just because I can't do anything as drastic as ending it to my husband and kids. My Dad made it to 90 and still has a clear head so I could live many more years in good health. (Sigh) But sometimes life is soooooooooooooooooooo hard
This is what I've lived through so far:
1/36...his entire life has been a struggle
2/adopted an older foster boy who sexually abused my two youngest (Jumper and Sonic) for three years and I didn't know it, which makes me feel like a horrible mother even today. He is no longer with us, but he is married and has just had another baby to perp on. I forgot to mention I checked his Facebook too. I don't even know why I did that. It didn't help and I don't want to contact him.
3/Scott, whom I loved with all my heart and soul, rejected me as his mother.
4/My own mother disowned me and nobody knows why.
5/My sibs think I'm family blacksheep and we have no contact, which makes me feel alone.
6/I have mental health issues that had a very early onset. They have affected every aspect of my life.
Yep. Sometimes life seems very hard, but somehow I always manage to go on. This is probably one of the worst crises I've had in years, at least mentally. No, I don't have a plan nor do I have any intention of really ending it, certainly not right now. But I am thinking, "It's an option down the road."
Thanks for listening. Any good thoughts about life after 60 and going on and the stupidity of my thinking would be helpful. Any thoughts at all would be helpful. But if you have none, just knowing I an vent here is nice.
Last edited: Today at 6:44 AM