Hi Jody,
Dude was in many placements, and finally foster care in his life. He's now 20, and not living at home. He was diagnosis Severe adhd (whatever that is) and ODD, possible BiPolar (BP) - I say possible because at the time he was diagnosis he was 10, and we weren't really sure that full blown BiPolar (BP) symptoms emerge until you are well into your late teens early 20's. However he definitely had all the criteria for Conduct Disorder, ODD and traits of Borderline (BPD)/and some Narcissistic traits. He is an extremely intelligent young man, was and still is a beautiful person who had a horrible start in life, had an explosive temper and through years and years of therapy has come a long way. We trialed over 62 medications, he was at times combative, abusive, explosive, and because of his ODD, has gotten into trouble with the law. He still has minor scrapes; but after being in jail? He got a taste of loosing his freedom and despite saying "I don't care if I go back to jail." I'm sure it's the depression speaking rather than common sense days.
About three and a half years ago (I think) I had a stroke due to his incarceration and run in with the law. I thought it was a heart attack, avoided the ER all day, and finally when I nearly collapsed in the grocery store? DF said - "We're going." So that was that. Dudes reaction was a detachment helper. He said "Is she okay?" then right after that sitting across from DF in the Department of Juvenile Justice visitation room "Can I have money for the snack machine?" After Department of Juvenile Justice? He was sent to another Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that was supposedly phenominal with boys. Turns out the place was a complete dump, the owner was smoking crack, we had it shut down, their donkey died from starvaton - Dude was arrested again under suspicion of breaking and entering which - he didn't, but still..and the place opened two weeks later under a new name. After that? He was sent to 'therapeutic' foster care. The therapeutic basically stands for more money to the foster parents for supposedly going to classes. (here in SC in our case anyway) While in their care? Dude was arrested again for driving a car they were supposed to have locked up, and running from 4 law enforcement groups. He stayed with them for 1.5 years. They were not helpful - they merely collected a check and when they were done? Literally had a secret meeting with the state, dumped him and we had less than a week to prepare for him coming home. It was not good. Not for him, not for us - not for anyone.
We DID however learn a lot about weekend visits. So I can tell you this much. Whenever Dude was here for the weekend and he acted out? IMMEDIATELY we called his caseworker, and the foster parents. He went home RIGHT THEN. If the behavior wasn't right? He went home. No excuses, no second chances. This was worked out with the therapist - not my decision - it needed to be this way. The reason there was no second chances? He already KNEW coming into the house - THAT WAS his chance. The charts, and honor system, clothespins system - all that jazz didn't work before and it wasn't going to work now - so no---sounds harsh, but no second chances. This was it - behave or don't. There was no discussion. In the car, back to foster care. It never got ugly.
As far as her not getting along with the therapist? Well - I can tell you this much. We had an AWESOME therapist. Several people will disagree vehemently, and that's their right, but I will stand on what I hope I am seeing now. I say hope, because you just never know with difficult child's - so this is my thought. We went every week, sometimes 3x a week. Mostly 1x for Dude, 1x for the family and once for myself. This went on for almost 15 years. On and off because when Dude was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s out of town? We had therapy, but he went to the therapist there at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), when he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in town? We picked him up and went to therapist here, then took him back to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Sometimes - most times Dude would NOT participate. Therapist said that was his choice. Sometimes they didn't seem like they were doing much - played cards, played checkers. It was still time together. Dude would often say "I know what you're doing - you're going to let me win so it builds my confidence." and then the therapist would win. Blew Dudes mind. Therapist would say "If you want to win - you have to win, I don't give anyone anything in my office." And then it was on. He was giving therapy even when Dude thought he was outsmarting him. Dude loved to win. He loved a challenge. So he would come back the next week, and Dude would win.....but they talked first. So we were blessed to have a clever therapist. Other times - kids just arent' going to be into talking, but the fact that we got him into a pattern and habit of GOING each week meant something. Dude will be the first to tell you he hated it, didn't participate, but he listened while that man talked. Thinking he was so smart he wasn't getting anything - but you know what? Now at 20? He's finally using those tools and that stuff STUCK - and even Dude laughs because he'll catch himself saying "I remember what Dr. H said." and I'm floored. For years - the kid refused to do ANYTHING this man suggested and now all of a sudden? He's doing it - and then it hit me - (slaps head) HE HAS OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER STAR ----duh. So why would he admit to using something he was being told by someone in authority at a young age.....? He'd have to store it, then use it later. duh, duh, duh. And he is. It's like a boomerang.
Another thing we were told by our therapist and a lot of therpists is that sometimes people just don't click - therapists shouldn't be offended - find ANOTHER one. I dropped people for years until I found this guy. one woman was checking her cell phone - (swear) and I said some off the wall junk to see if she was paying attention (she was not) and I got up and walked out. All the way down the hall shes chasing me and I'm doing talk to the hand...ugh. Then yelled AND DO NOT BILL ME - CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD. Not everyone gets along. Not everyone clicks - no biggie. But I'd say after three months - your therapist will know. Not you - YOUR THERAPIST should admit - this is not a good match. You'd know almost immediately. Your kid is going to tell you BEFORE she even meets the therapist - so unless there is really uncomfortable reasons - and each therapist is "I don't like him/her" in a few sessions? Just stick with it. I personally can't talk to women - no idea why, just don't like it. So maybe it's time to ask your daughters therapist what he thinks? Time to move on? Find someone he things CAN help her. Get more creative. Whatever it is - it's not working.
As far as YOU not wanting her home. Well you have a right to feel that way - and my thought was always this: I AM THE ONE THAT HAS TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. She's attacked me, she isn't attacking the fosters. She's happy there, I'm happy with her there even though I love my daughter and the ultimate goal is reunification - WHAT HAPPENS when you send her home, she's here for XX period of time and she attacks me again? That's not good for all the work SHE has put into herself and it's certainly not safe for me. What is your plan then. We need a plan IN PLACE NOW before you EVEN BEGIN DISCUSSING moving her because I WILL NOT move her home without a safety net for EITHER of us. PERIOD.
If their safety net is - In home therapy, or continued work with your psychiatrist, blah blah blah - TELL THEM STOP STOP STOP.....and literally put your hand up and say YOU ARE NOT HEARING ME AT ALL.
Then say "I want a written plan, A written SAFETY GUARANTEE in place that states IF XX daughter becomes violent in my home with me, or in school - this guarantee from you says that YOU will personally come and get her within 2 hours, and transport her to such and such place - no excuse like "there is no bed" there is "No availability, no space at this time" and guarantee MY SAFETY and HER PLACEMENT in either a locked Residential Treatment Center (RTC) facility for XX days for observation and medications tweek for no longer than 20 days while you and I discuss an appropriate FOSTER HOME which is IN THIS TOWN."
See the things that they get you on - after they remove a child from foster care - and send them home? Then things go to pot? Uh.....yeah well they kinda move on to the next worst case, a younger needier child......and you? You're yesterdays news. OR they set you up for failure and hang you out to dry, and you are left to take whatever is available which could be (not kidding) The state mental hospital. A hospital for the childrens criminally insane towns and miles away. A foster care with a family in the next state. An Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that you wouldn't put your dog in. Or this bologna of in home therapeutic services with Mental Health and those are typically college students working through course hours for their first year Associates Degrees. No, I'm not kidding. You are teaching THEM. (I've given so much information to so many students) and scared the bejeezers out of a couple who changed their degree. (not kidding on that either). One look at our life - and - Social work went to computer science.
So anything else I can help with - just ask. We've been through the wringer like a lot of parents here.
I am happy to say - despite it all? My son and I do have a relationship today - long distance, but it's better than it's ever been, and while I am certain we couldn't live together I do hear I love you, I miss you, and I wish we could see each other...and it's sincere. Someone had told me that three years ago I probably would have hit them with my Anti-depressant bottle.
Hugs - You can PM me too if you'd rather go there.