Need some input

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by overcome mom, Jul 3, 2019.

  1. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    For those of you that don't remember I have a 26-year-old son, whom we adopted at 5 days old, has been in and out of trouble since he was about 15. He ran away A LOT when he was young, got in trouble with the law numerous times. We had him in two different residential treatment facilities 3 different times. He has been diagnosed with ADD, bipolar and I think he has borderline personality disorder. He also has use(d) meth but I am unsure how long, how much but it wouldn’t surprise me if he is addicted. When he was just a little older, he was imprisoned on 2 separate occasions. His father and I have set him up with a place both times out of prison. He never paid for rent or utilities. About two years ago we paid for training for him. He got a lot of jobs after that but has never able to keep them.

    The issue at hand is I just got a call from his birthfather. I have only talked to him one time in my life. I knew my son had been in contact with him off and on the last few years. His birthfather wanted to know what was going on with him (left voice mail). He said that he and his mother (that got to me) were worried. My son is currently in jail awaiting trial for a crime that he could go to prison for, for a long time. In the past I have not told his birthparents (they are not together) anything without asking my son first and then I have not given them any information more than what he gave me permission to do. I figured it was his relationship to make or break and I did not want to be the one to mess that up. The problem is that I know that at some point he has told them stories about my husband and I making us look bad so that they will feel sorry for him, give him money- whatever. I used to talk on occasion to his birthmother, but she is pissed off at us. One of the reasons she is pissed off at us is that when he was in 5th grade she contacted us and wanted to see him. We asked our son if he wanted to see her and he was not interested. This was at point in his life when he didn’t want to be adopted. We told her this and that we were sure in the future he would like to see her but now is not the time. She ended up contacting him on Facebook (he was 15) and he went to see her on one of his runs. I spoke with her and she lied to me that she even knew where he was. Who does that to a desperate parent? My son told her that we had not told him that she wanted to see him and didn’t show him the things that she sent. This was not true. He had all her letters and pictures in a drawer in his room. They have many of the same personality traits.

    The question is should I tell his birthparents all that is, has happened with him? They know almost nothing about his life, or do I just tell him what my son wants them to know? I would love to know what he tells them about us. My son has been pretty respectful of his father and me for a while now and always says he loves me after the conversation is ended. I just really wonder how much this is all BS on his part. I know he is very confused and troubled person.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is horrible.
    I will tell you what I would do. I don't know what you should do or want to do. It sounds like you want to talk to these people. That you believe you will exchange information that will help you feel better.

    I wonder.

    First, If it was my life, I would not trust this woman. She would distort and lie about anything you say. Nor would I trust whatever tale she told me about what son said.

    Second, there is the issue of trust with your son. He may have betrayed and hurt you over and over again, but he is your son. He is an adult. He has the right to control information about him. And you would risk any relationship you would have with him, now and in the future. That is what I think. If it was me I would stay far, far away.

    I would however relay the message to my son about the contact and ask him what he wants you to do.
  3. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Overcome, no wonder you feel conflicted. Personally, my daughter has not done a thing with all her manipulation to earn my trust. So, I don't spare the reality of it all when anyone asks. I covered for too long because of denial.

    It's important to choose to use our battle energy wisely. If you put yourself in the middle, everyone will either hate you, blame you, or hold you responsible for their own undoing. If it's important that these people-who you owe nothing-know the truth, then I understand the temptation. I also understand that the histrionics of your son's behavior may be important information so others can avoid his manipulation and possibly help him, instead of enable him.

    I am on a fresh wound right now from someone reaching out, a family member of my daughter, wanting the help, but what was really happening was my daughter was running out of people to take advantage of. She told horrible lies about me, I am certain. In the end, the whole thing led to weeks of me spiraling downward. What the person really wanted to do was tell me what they think I should do, with no idea of the horror I have managed to live through over the past 15 years. My wounds may be too fresh to offer the best advice. What I can tell you is that I made a decision to stay out of middle of anything. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. The fact is, all that heartache didn't change one thing. Best of luck dealing with such a precarious position. I am thinking of you.
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I have an adopted daughter. Unless you have always been close to them, I would not involve myself with your sons birthparents at all. Its up to your son to tell them anything and what he says, true or false, is between them. It is very common these days, whether we approve or not, for adopted kids to be contacted or contact birthfamily via FB. It is not always respectful or on our timetable.

    My daughter was adopted from abroad and is trying to find her birthmother so far with no luck. If she ever does find her, I am sure she will tell her birthmother all about how abusive we are. I would not want to engage with her. I adopted my daughter, not her, and I don't want to know her.

    You don't owe his birthparents anything. That is at least how I feel. I would not converse with either of them. Your son can do it. He is an adult.
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  5. Ellen T.

    Ellen T. Swirling

    You talking to the birth parents sounds like a no-win situation. You could tell your son his birth "father" called and asked about him. I assume that there are protocols wherever he is in jail for sending letters and making phone calls. If the biological "father" calls you again, you could simply say, that you will give your son the message that he called. Even if your son is manipulative and is talking down on you to his birth "parents", your son still knows what is true and what isn't true, even if he isn't speaking the truth -- he will remember how you treated him and raised him, and even if he misrepresents that to these people, he will also know he is misrepresenting that. In the end, I don't see how a relationship with these people at this point in his life would feel anything other than awkward. He might want to communicate with them at first, but that is probably more because he is desperate and is grasping at straws.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I think, if you have contact with your son, inform him that they are trying to reach him, and is it ok to give them his contact info, or tell them that he is in jail.

    My xdil had manipulated our two grands that we adopted about 15 years ago. Last week was the worst! She told both girls (19 and 21) that her dad, their grandpa, was in hospice, with a feeding tube, that was to be removed soon. Then he would die. She offered to buy them tickets to visit before he passed. It is 1800 miles from here. They have spent I week with their grandparents 5 years ago. We took them.

    Turns out, he is in a rehab hospital, he had a picture line for a blood infection, he would be done with the IV medications in a week, then he was going home. No hospice, no feeding tube, no imminent death.

    She said she bought flight tickets. Girls found out they were one way tickets! She wanted them to come and get jobs there.

    Both girls turned her down. They haven't seen her for 8 years. I am glad I stayed out of it and they decided on their own.

    Who the hell does that to their kids! Ksm
  7. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    Thanks for all the input. As I was writing it I knew that I shouldn't get in the middle of it. I guess I still feel a little guilty that things have turned out so poorly with my son. I know that I have done everything I can to help him . They don't know what we have done or haven't. I do feel like a lot of it is genetic. His birthmother had 5 children by 5 different men. She placed one other child . The other child she placed is a male and he also got in trouble with the law . With the two girls she kept, one left to live with her father and the other moved out with her boyfriend at 17 the other child is 9 years old. The birthfather had been in jail.
    This is so true. I do worry that he is asking them for money . It is up them to say no. I know they don't have much so it probably is not hard for them to say no.
    He has talked to both of them on and off for the last few years. He even tried to live at his birthmother's house for a bit but that lasted only 4 days before she kicked him out. He has no friends so he just tries to have any relationship he can.
    KSM - that is so bad-sad that your grands bio mom would say such a thing to get your grands to come. That is probably the last time they will believe her.
    Really I wish that my son's bio parents were great people and could help get him on the right track. I would welcome the support but I really don't think it is going to happen. I have so much on my plate with him now wish this wasn't happening but it is good for him that someone beside myself and my husband care about him.
  8. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    I also vote for talking with your son, and following his wishes (unless he wants you to lie to them). Probably the less involvement you can have between them all the better (for you).

    I've been in contact with my birthmother, but have never met her. I'm SO thankful she isn't close in proximity to me as I read this. I never thought about reaching out to her in my teenage years, however, but did later when I became a parent. I sense she has her own bag of issues, and am not sure if I want to take a peek inside of it.

    I can't believe his bio-mom lied to you about his whereabouts. Highly concerning.

    I'm sorry for the pain you're going through with your son.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I agree with the others. The choice is really up to your son. I would offer him the information and IF he says he wants them know or wants to have contact with them, I would tell him that is now between him and them. You should not be a go between for them. If a relationship is meant to be for them, well it's up to them and your son to develop.

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through.