new and sad to be here

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TessFromWA, Jan 15, 2014.

  1. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    I came home from work yesterday and noticed some odd things...out of place or moved.

    Long story short, all my gold and diamond jewelry along with some pieces that belonged to my mother is missing. Nothing else was disturbed. Whoever did this went straight for the jewelry. Kindles, cameras, computers....everything else untouched.

    It was someone who knew exactly where I kept it, who knew how to enter the house and who my dogs know. I called police and an officer came out....i filed a police report...My 19 year old estranged daughter is prime suspect.

    I wish I didn't have to be here posting about this but I'm glad there is a "soft place to land".

    What does difficult child stand for?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. It's nice to "meet" you, but so sorry you have to be here.

    Does your daughter take drugs? Trust me, you can't shock us. We are here for you.
  3. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    She is a long story....I am typing with one finger on my kindle so will go into more detail when I get on my computer. Yes on the drugs....more than pot and alcohol - I don't know.

    What does difficult child mean?
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard....sorry you needed to find us but glad you're here. difficult child stands for "Gift from God" which how we refer to our problem children. easy child is for the other children. If you go to the page where all the forums are listed you can scroll down and there is a section that explains all the abbreviations etc. that we use. I've got to get back to work, lol, but wanted to said Hi. DDD
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    What you have done in involving the police took great courage. It was the right thing to do. I hope you have acted in time that your valuables can be recovered.

    What a terrible thing this daughter has done. Another betrayal. It's so hurtful.

  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Hi Tess, I'm glad you found us but sorry you needed to. I think the stealing from me was the hardest thing for me to accept, I can't have a piece of chocolate without locking it up. With 2 in the house with sticky fingers it's hard for me to know which one did it when something goes missing; is your daughter your only child or do you have other kids? We are here any time you need to vent, many of us are dealing with similar issues.

  7. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    My daughter (I'm not at the point of calling her my difficult child yet) has been extremely challenging since birth. I was too indulgent as parent...tried to give my kids everything I never got as a kid, and not following through on discipline.

    When she hit middle school she really went crazy. She was flunking everything, was basically pushed through to high school. She started hanging out with a really bad crowd, defiant, disrespectful, disobedient, basically dropped out of school, and was getting very deep into drugs. We were at the point of either having her kidnapped and taken to a "boot camp" type place for troubled kids, becoming a "youth at risk" ward of the court, or having her move in with her dad who lived over an hour away.

    She moved in with her dad. At least we got her away from the druggies she was hanging out with; the "boyfriend" we moved her away from is now dead because of a meth-induced car accident. But she still hasn't finished school and a little over a year ago moved back to Olympia. She chose not to live with us because we had rules (home by 10 pm on weeknights was the big one) and her being here was contingent on her following them. Long story short, she has completely distanced herself from me and does not talk to me at all, she is married now, she is very much into the college drinking-pot-smoking lifestyle (her husband is a college student).

    There's so much more, but I won't bore you with it.

    She is the only one I know of who knows where I kept my jewelry, and who our adult Bernese Mt. Dog, Sophie, would let in the house. The back slider is usually unlocked. She knew that too. The side gate into the back yard (not visible from street) was open. The only thing stolen from our house is the jewelry. That is it.

    My husband is now going around the "We buy gold" shops with descriptions of the jewelry and photo of her and her husband. The police will be monitoring everything that comes into the area pawn shops as here in WA pawn shops are required to keep everything 30 days and all jewelry/electronics/firearms are required to be entered into a database which the police can search. The office was also going to pay her a visit...he knows where she lives, and she and her husband are already on their radar for the partying and God knows what else.

    I sent her a private msg on FB (she unfriended me long ago, but at least doesn't have me blocked anymore). It said "Someone burglarized my house today. Knew exactly where to go to find my diamond wedding ring, my diamond pendant and my mothers jewelry. I am calling the police. You are going to be contacted by them, I'm sure."

    Her response: "I can't believe you think it was me. You're insane. But okay, that's fine with me because I didnt do anything. Once this all blows over, I want no contact with you at all."

    She has been a thief and liar as long as I can remember...and always denies with profanity and anger. Her brother received this message from her when he asked if she'd done it: "Are you ***king joking me Brian? You people really ***king think I'd do that?? ***k you. I'm living my life, with out you ***king people. This is crazy." Historically a very typical response from her, even when caught red-handed.

    I honestly don't want anything to do with her. I don't like her. It's such a pity, because she can be such a charming, funny, intelligent, witty person. I am so jealous of mothers who have such beautiful relationships with their adult daughters...daughters who have it together and aren't drugged-up high-school drop-outs who got married in order to get more financial aid.

    *sighs* I have cried my last tears over her. It's in the hands of the police now and I really hope they can catch and convict her. She needs a serious reality check and if she has to be behind bars to get it, then so be it.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sadly, a very typical story of our adult difficult children. And, yes, it does wear most of us out eventually. The crazy lying, even when caught, is such a puzzle. They must really think we are stupid.

    Have you ever gone to Nar-Anon for real life support? Do you have your own therapist?
  9. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    I have my own therapist, yes. Never went to therapy until daughter hit middle school. Maybe that was one of my mistakes.

    I do not go to a 12-step.

    I've blocked her from FB now...I don't want her to be able to see me, what I'm up to, my photos, nothing.

    I'm done.

    And of course, I'm wondering, "What if I'm wrong? What if it wasn't her?"

    But who else could it be? My gut tells me I'm right, my heart is telling me I might be wrong, my head is telling me to just say "goodbye" to her forever.

    I don't even care that much about the jewelry, though it was not inexpensive stuff.

    It's the betrayal, the lies, the disdain and disrespect.

    The knowledge that she hates me so much, after all I did for her, and all I would have happily done.

    It's her.
  10. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I'm probably gonna get scolded for this but one mom long ago here confessed to me difficult child was her kid that made her want to Get a F@#!ing Gun! Maybe if think that reference it will be easier for you to call her difficult child! (joking I'm not advocating for shooting our kids... go ahead & PM to scold if ya want though)

    I'm sorry you are going thru this, but you seem to have a better grasp on detachment idea then most do...


    PS was looking at your signature with-the hearts & Tess (that is too cool) was trying to do my kitty cat in signature but no matter how I adjust it it won't space the ears right. Maybe copy & paste it somehow?
  11. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    I try to be detached; I tell myself I'm detached - but inside I'm a mass of quivering goo, blaming myself for my parental inadequacies, real and imaginary. I didn't have a good mother growing up, and no I was determined to be the mom I always wish I had but didn't. Now my relationship with my daughter is far worse than mine ever was with my mother.
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Tess. I am so sorry you are having to deal with your daughter's antics, it's very difficult for us parents to recognize who our children really are sometimes. It goes against our love for them and our dreams for them and forces us to accept truths we don't want to accept. I understand.

    Trust your gut. Realistically, who could have walked into your home without a key, known exactly where the jewelry was and not disturbed your dog? Even the police know who did it, they just may not be able to prove it, but YOU know the truth. We so doubt our own instincts with our kids, we go against what we KNOW to be the truth rather then let ourselves really get that our kids could do what they do. You have found a group of parents who are going through what you are, or have, or will............we are a weary bunch here, but we stick together...........

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post's very helpful.

    Many of us who had dysfunctional childhoods try to do the opposite with our own kids and end up swinging to the opposite pole, it is not uncommon. You, as many of us here, did the best you could with what you knew, if you had known better, you would have done better. Once our kids grow up, at a certain point, their healing or growth or transformation into adulthood is their responsibility, not ours...............just like it was yours and mine to heal and grow from our own childhoods. You can't control what your daughter does now, she is an adult in the eyes of the law. She has no right to be disrespectful, to manipulate, to steal from you, to be violent, to be cruel or exhibit any of that bad behavior around you. If we enabled our kids, we need to begin setting very strong boundaries, as you've now done. And, to uphold those boundaries as necessary.

    I hope you are changing your locks and making sure she cannot gain access to your home or your valuables, including any online banking with around here are notorious for stealing from the parents and cleaning out your bank account is not out of the realm of reality. Cover all your bases.

    And, you mentioned that you are in therapy which is very good, most of us need lots of support to stay the course as we detach from our is not an easy path. It's important to make every attempt to let go of any guilt you feel which is how the kids can manipulate us by blaming us. It is their poor choices which get them in the hot water they usually find themselves in, not your parenting. She is making the choices now.

    I know how you feel being envious of other mother-daughter relationships, I have a 41 year old difficult child and at this point in time we don't have much of a connection..............for me what helped the most was learning to accept what recognize that this is out of my hands, I didn't create this, I can't control it and I can't fix is what it is.............that was what began the process of change for me. Like you have done, I changed how I responded and that changed everything.

    Keep posting, it helps. Stay well supported. Do kind, nurturing things for yourself. Have dates with your husband and put the focus on you rather then your daughter........................wishing you peace..........
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I struggle with the "difficult child" term. But, I can say that turning to my spiritual beliefs, in the end, helped me through the anguish. I'm glad you have a therapist. Support groups are helpful as well.

    I'm glad you blocked her from your FB page...I don't let my daughter go to mine and I never ever look at hers or have asked to be her friend. My daughter has mental health issues.

    I would keep your mind a tiny bit open that someone else could have committed this crime ... But I think you/we are all aware of the likelihood of what truly happened.

    Wishing you well, enjoy life when and where you can. Sounds very hard...and it is...but it is do-able.
  14. BackintheSaddle

    BackintheSaddle Active Member

    Hey Tess- I'm in a very similar situation in many ways to you though you are more advanced in the detachment area...I kicked my son out before Christmas but he's not a drug user or drinker, just serious mentally ill...he hasn't robbed from us but your comment about 'what if it isn't her' and the doubt, rings so true with me...he's doing well (on the surface) since he left home so I feel sad and guilty that I kicked him out and wonder all the time if it really was me/us that was the problem, not him (which has been my son's stance all along)...I truly hate to see you going through this but envy the detachment you have with your daughter...I can't get in touch with my anger, just always so very sad...I hope I can get to where you are in the near future...any pointers on how you did that?

  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Ha! I never knew difficult child could mean Get a F%$#@&% Gun.


    I will never post difficult child again without secretly meaning this second meaning.

    I love this.

  16. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    Thank you so much, recoveringenabler. Your wisdom and experience is so helpful to me...and I so want your serenity.

    We just discovered that my husband's nice digital camera was also taken. Not my little cheaper one, but the good one that we can take quality photos with. Before. he didn't quite get the devastation I was feeling because he had no emotional attachment to my jewelry, but now he gets it. He understands the feelings of betrayal, of anger, of hurt...he has done so very, very much for her for the last 10 years. She is a horrible creature and I can't believe that she came from me.

    Detachment. Jakesmom, you asked me how I came to have the detachment I have with my daughter. (I still can't call her difficult child, and I am having a problem even referring to her as my daughter. How about if I refer to her as my spawn? ;)

    This is from recoveringenabler's article on detachement. The ones in purple are the ones that I am really struggling with, both with my spawn and with my 21 year old son.

    What is detachment?

    Detachment is the:
    * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
    * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
    * Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
    * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
    * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
    * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
    * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
    * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
    * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
    * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

    * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
    * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

    * Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
    * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

    I am so not there yet. From the time she was born she has been nothing but heartache, stress and emotional trauma for me. What a waste of the last 19 years this has been.
  17. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    And spawn also calls me "insane", "Bipolar", along with all the other "It's you, it's not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" terms, blaming me for everything bad that's ever happened in her life. She is an emotional manipulator, pathological liar and thief. She has no long-term friends...her group of friends changes often because when her true colors come out, normal people want to get the hell away from her. The real spawn (and the real Jake) will come out. Maybe not when we would like it to, but it will. Hang in there.
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    No additional comments to add BUT sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. DDD
  19. 3boyzmom

    3boyzmom New Member

    Stop beating yourself up! There are all kinds of books on parenting but we really do the best we can with what we have. We love our kids and no one wants life to be hard for them, but in the end, they make their decisions - good, bad and ugly.

    Follow your gut when it comes to the theft. My challenge stole money and gas from us, cigs from my husband, I am just thankful that he stopped there and didn't steal the jewelry, guns and credit cards!

    Say the Serenity Prayer when you can, ask God to protect your babies, and continue on knowing that you are doing what you can. There is alot of great support on here - use it!

  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs, Tess. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she led someone else through the house to your jewelry and in that way she feels that she didn't actually do it.

    Are you looking into changing locks and installing (or changing all the codes on) a security system?

    I'm glad that you called the police and are doing the things that people do when they are robbed. It's sad that she is the one that comes to mind, but it is what it is. Mine is the same way. If she didn't do it, she can crow all she wants. I'd send out faxes regarding the jewelry to shops outside your area as well. If she didn't take it to a pawn shop she gave it to a fence and it might end up further away than you were expecting.