New here and need to vent

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Amethyst, May 5, 2017.

  1. Amethyst

    Amethyst New Member

    Hello! I am so relieved to have found this forum! I have a 39 yr old daughter who has cut off communication with me for the last year. She is an only child, been married twice and has a son. I have helped to support her emotionally and financially through two bad marriages. I also let her move back to my house after her first marriage broke up. She and my grandson lived with me for three years during which my husband (her father) died after a long illness.
    I remarried a few years ago to a wonderful man. We decided to retire and we moved south. I made every effort to include my daughter in my plans. Since she was happily married at the time, she seemed fine with my moving. However, once her marriage broke up, she became very angry with me for abandoning her and for marrying someone she now says she does not like. I finally put my foot down after years of giving her money and said "no more". That is when she stopped talking to me. After years of being supported by others, she is on her own and learning lessons she should have learned in her 20s. She still feels entitled.
    I quit being rescue mom.
    I have been in counseling to help deal with the pain I feel. It has been helpful. It is even more helpful to know there are others out there going through this. She has been diagnosed and treated for depression, but no other illnesses.
    I don't know if she will ever come around to talking to me. At least she allows me to see my grandson. I am so happy about that. How does this happen, that a child becomes so angry and alienated? Thanks for listening.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It happens a lot.

    Go to your favorite search engine and type in "estranged stories." It is 100% dedicated to estranged parents. in my opinion you probably gave your daughter too much help and she was probably not all that mature or nice anyway so when you said no she decided to punish you until you say yes. To me, thats not love. Its cruel.

    Check out the estranged site. Estrangement us epidemic. Most mothers dont even know why they are estranged. You are lucky so far. She (cough) is generous (cough) enough to "let" you see your grandson. Some are cut off from them too.

    in my opinion your husband is the most important adult in your life now. Your daugjter is middle aged and needs to learn to pay her own way. You will be gone one day. She is throwing an adult tantrum, similar to toddlers when you wont buy them candy. She is 39. It isnt her business if you move and if she feels abandoned she needs therapy, not pity. I would live my life and NOT involve her in ypur marital and personal decisions.

    You may want to read Stop Walking on Eggshell by Randi Krieger. Helpful book.

    Check out that site on estranged parents!!! You will have lots of company and realistic support there. Nice folks.
  3. Amethyst

    Amethyst New Member

    Thank you! I did read that author's book on borderline personality disorders. Some of it definitely applies to my daughter. You are right about everything you said. She is definitely immature and I was trying way to hard to protect her from life. She is being cruel.
  4. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    By establishing a sane boundary, you found out the truth of your relationship with your daughter - she was using you as a source of free money. Stop the money, she stops talking to you. Who wants a relationship like that anyhow? Now you know the truth, and the truth will set you free!
  5. Amethyst

    Amethyst New Member

    So true, but even acknowleging that doesnt make it hurt less.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry to hear this. I think that puppy is adorable though.
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  7. SoSad&miserable

    SoSad&miserable Screaming makes me die inside.

    Hi, I will keep it short. Single mom of 4 boys, two are Bipolar just had the 27 yr old evicted for beating me. No father in the picture he took off with his middle school crush to live happily ever after. Evicted son is moving to Las Vegas to stay with a friend & his family. I feel awful. This son even without being Bipolar has had some of the worst experiences perpetrated on him due to his also being a High Functioning Austistic. He lost his insurance when he aged out on my policy so he is completely unmedicated even though I offered to pay for his psychiatrist and help get his medications. He has attempted suicide and stated 50 times a day that he just wants to die. This has been going on since he was 12.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I have been through similar but not as bad with my 28 year old son.

    Will keep It short. Of course you are despairing. But you took a giant step for him and for you.

    You did the right thing. He had to go. We cannot tolerate the suicide threats. We cannot tolerate the aggressivity. He has to find solutions for himself in the community.

    There is treatment. There is public sector medical insurance. There are therapeutic programs. There is residential treatment. He has to find it in himself to take the first step. And the second. Battering you (or me) is not the solution. If he does not seek help he will be arrested or hospitalized which is not necessarily bad.

    I do hope you keep posting. Why not start your own thread so people get to know you.
  9. SoSad&miserable

    SoSad&miserable Screaming makes me die inside.

    I don't know how. ☹️
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    SoSad&miserable, wellcome.

    To start your own thread, go to the main Parent Emeritus Forum page (which you can get to by clicking on the Parent Emeritus tab on the top left of this page next to the Forums and Parent Support Forums tabs) and look at the top right hand corner of that page and click on Post New Thread. That will open up a window where you can write a title and your text. If you require additional assistance, go to the top left of this page and click on help.

    Keep posting it helps.

    I'm glad you're here.
  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well look at the bright side she is trying to be on her own. Always look at the bright side in every situation.
  12. SoSad&miserable

    SoSad&miserable Screaming makes me die inside.

    Thank you both, I am trying.