New Member Needs Help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jody, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Hello everyone... Can anyone tell me if they have done a lock-out and had their child go to foster care and how it works. I am a single parent of two. My 11 year old daughter has adhd, depression and ODD. The ODD is horrible. My oldest daughter who is 17 has moved to friends of mine for the last six months because of the stress in the household. She sees every social service workers in our area that are available. I am so tired of the ODD ruining my life. I don't want to give up but I really am fearing for my own mental health. It has deteriorated severly. I take all kinds of medication and deal with my own depression issues and bi-polar. I think my daughter is bi-polar also. She takes wellbuterin, adderal xr, trazadone, and abilify. She has been hospitalized several times, the therapist there says she definately is bi-polar but the Dr wouldn't diagnose her. I don't have anyone that will even watch her for a break. There is no support group here in my city even though I live in the capital. Any advice would be appeciated. Thank you.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Jody, and welcome. Is your family hooked up with SASS? They may be able to open some doors for you in terms of in-home support, especially if she's been hospitalized recently.

    There is also a program here in IL called the Individual Care Grant. It provides funding for both community-based services (like respite) as well as residential treatment. It's a fairly complex application process but it might definitely be something you want to look into.

    Do you have the option of having her see a new psychiatrist? Especially with- a family history of bipolar, I think that possibility needs to get as nailed down as possible. I don't think I'm seeing a mood stabilizer in her medications and that would #1 on my priority list.

    by the way - please take what advice you can use and skip the rest. ;) None of us are doctors or have *the* answer. We just bring our experience, and our biases, to the board. The great thing about this board is there is a vast collection of very different opinions - take what you can use.

    How is she doing in school? Does she have an IEP?

    I would do a lock out only as a very very last resort. With an 11 year old child, you're more than likely going to be facing significant consequences yourself. If she is out of control and potentially a candidate for hospitalization, I'd go that route. If it's the grind of the daily challenge of living with- a kid with significant behavior issues, I'd contact SASS first. I really don't think you want DCFS to be the lead agency in your family's life.

    Again, welcome! So glad you found us.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hello and welcome. Slsh, has given you some great practical steps to take for your daughter. You want to do that before you lock difficult child out of the house. At her age, it will be considered abandonment, I would think.
    Don't wait until you are in a state of disgust. Get started working on paper work so you can get help before a crisis starts.

    Welcome to our world and hope we can be a source of support and information that worked for us.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she has bipolar, the medications she is taking are going to make her 100X worse. I suggest a second opinion on treatment. Those medications would make anyone crazy...she's on antidepressants PLUS a stimulant...I have a mood disorder. I'd live in a hospital on those stimulating, high power medications. You can't do anything if she is overmedicated. Why isn't she on a mood stabilizer??

    Wellbutrin--Very stimulating antidepressant
    Adderrall--A very high power stimulant that many kids can not tolerate
    Abilify--anti-psychotic which can not undo the affects of all those stimulating medications.

    Sometimes the less adept doctors give children too MANY medications and don't consider that there may be side effects causing the problems. They keep throwing more and more stuff at t he kid (or adult) until the person is truly ten times worse. I have a mood disorder and have been there/done that. I won't allow any doctor to place me on more than two medications. I've had the consequences of overmedication.

    Welcome to the board. Sorry you have to be here :tongue:
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.
    I agree with-MWM. Change the medications. Change doctors if you have to (especially since you can't get the diagnosis to stick).
  6. DadFirst

    DadFirst New Member

    Having lived with ODD for many years, I feel for you and understand what a threat it is to your sanity. I would agree with the others that the current medications are suspect and a mood stabilizer would be my best guess as the most important. Once my ODD difficult child started a mood stabilizer, it made a HUGE difference. Significant problems continue to this day but they are much more manageable than they used to be.

    The other thing that helped (but didn't "fix") was learning how to parent an ODD child. If you haven't already started doing this, I suggest you look into it. My wife and I were doing almost everything wrong and learned that parenting this type of child is almost the opposite of what a parent would intuitively think is the right approach.

    My last bit of advice (for whatever it may be worth) is to try to keep in mind that this is not your fault and your difficult child's behavior is that of a unique human struggling with her own issues. In other words, try not to let her meltdowns result in you melting down. Don't take it personally, like I used to always do. It is much easier said than done, but it is possible.

    I wish you the best.
  7. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thank you all for the replies. daughter has problems sleeping. They just discontinued the trazadone for sleep. They increased the abilify to 5 mgs in the morning and 5mgs. at night. She is sleeping and getting up in the morning. I have got to say that the increase has helped a little bit. Yesterday was the most wonderful day. We were together and she didn't call me any names or curse. She was compliant in every way. This morning wasn't as good but it wasn't the normal terrible either. I hope this work. I take a mood stabilizer. Trileptel. They are using the abilify for anger. She has been on Adderall Xr for a very long time and tolerates it well. Hopefully that will stay the same, sometimes they just quit working and your back to square one. I am so glad that I have found a support group. Thanks everyone. I will check with the pharmacist to double check on the medication issue.
  8. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Hi. I can offer some experience, but I think it's important to add
    that I was dealing with southern IL, very close to St. Louis, and
    I was dealing with a non difficult child D who was 16yo at the time.

    After realizing the whole ordeal of being threatened by the police
    for endangerment etc for not reporting her missing, and the fact
    that she began using the police as a "game"/punishment to us,
    I let go.

    I think I was able to let go because I learned so much here.
    The child was leaving the house, hiding nearby/or not, and
    waiting for the cops to return. She was insisting she was locked
    out of the house when she never was.

    I wish I had been smarter at the time with such an older child.
    I wish I had checked the other police stations and the courthouse
    to discover that her father had been getting her out of a ton of
    trouble. But to my credit, no one had "full custody" of the child
    to actually get the help we needed. And by help, I mean as a
    "family" unit.

    So, I permitted CHASI to take the child. The CHASI person took
    a long time to get to the police station and it probably took
    all night to complete the paperwork. Do not permit temporary
    custody by anyone you know or think might be a temporary
    placement. It was a choice I made and it only made things

    CHASI does not have any "legal" authority. Be very
    careful in what you do. They seem to be very very afraid when
    one mentions that CHASI representatives might need to
    make court appearances.

    Overall, for me, I doubt CHASI would be any assistance with a
    difficult child or a easy child child. I did have the local police department
    file an additional note into the police report, which included
    the "true story" reported by those closest to the child. That
    document DID help tremendously later on in court. I learned
    a lot about giving "statements" and how to have those
    "statements" assist in court proceedings for the entire family.

    Another hint might be to check with your juvenile facility and
    to see whether they offer any other assistance.

    For my oldest difficult child, I achieved a lot more with the statement
    of "he is a danger to himself and others", and had documentation
    from his pediatrician and documents of his criminal history
    hidden at the neighbors. In this situation, I feel you might
    get the help that you need.

    Good luck to you, I wish you the best.
  9. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Hello everyone!! I have good news. My difficult child is really doing well. They took her off the trazadone and increased the abilify. She has been able to get all of her homework done and she has all A's and B's, something that has never happened. Her facial expression is so much more relaxed and so is she. We had a really good weekend together. I really can say that I enjoyed spending time with her. She hasn't called my any names in 5 days. I am pretty impressed and pray that this keeps up. Perfect behavior at school. She has a check in and check out sheet for every class. She has received the highest score (the best) that you can get. I keep praising and praising and praising. I am so hoping that Abilify was the right medication and that life won't be as hard, difficult as it was before. I am so glad that I found this site. It is nice to have someone to talk with and know that there are others out there, that unfortunately have the same issues. I wish we could find some cure for these mental issues.
  10. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I spoke too soon. SHe was up this morning yelling at me and the dogs, being hateful. I don't understand how and why they can do things and say things and then tell you that they did not say them. She said the curse words and shutup loud and clear and then 20 minutes later she says she did not. I think maybe she thinks if she says it happened the way she says I will believe it??? OMG, it really is infuriating. It is so hard to walk away when she always has the last word, but then I think thank goodness it's the last word. I am so disappointed, I thought life might be "normal" at least for awhile. She's driving me absolutely insane and I can't possibly take anymore medication than I already take.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    It may be worth a call to your local chapter of Mental Health. They are free/sliding scale. Tell the psychiatrist there that you need weekend respite care for your daughter before something happens. These services are provided by licensed foster care parents from Friday to Sunday afternoon for children her age.

    Good luck.